[Life] In Between Dreams

30 Days/30 Songs. Day 24: A Song You Want to Play at Your Funeral

2012-02-15T12:30:00.000-05:00

Cloud Smiles - Nobuo Uematsu

Yesterday, I told you people shit on video game music.
The people I spoke of probably have never heard of the musical GENIUS that is Nobuo Uematsu.

Let me school you. (AND I BEHOOVE YOU TO CLICK THESE LINKS AND LISTEN.)

As far as video games, Square-Enix's Final Fantasy series has constantly set the standard through amazing, breathtaking art, stories, characters, and music. My God, I can't talk to you for DAYS about the soundtracks to some of the entries in the Final Fantasy series.

And here's the kicker. Most of these beauties were composed by ONE guy. Mr. Nobuo Uematsu.

There is NOT a soul on Earth that wasn't moved to tears back in '97 on Final Fantasy VII when the character Aerith Gainsborough was brutally murdered by the remorseless Sephiroth. They weren't moved solely on the act itself, they were moved because of the leitmotif, 'エアリスのテーマ (Earisu no Tēma)' or simply, 'Aerith's Theme', that accompanied her passing. Oh, that opening piano. Jeez. Anyone who tells you they saw that murder and heard that song, then saw her burial and wasn't a little fucked up about that is a FUCKING LIAR.

Hell, I'll even throw in that 'Zanarkand' number from Final Fantasy X. Fucking beautiful music.

In 2003, when Uematsu was tasked to revisit the Final Fantasy VII franchise for the film, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, he did so with a fury. Besides pretty much re-arranging and enhancing many of the classics he blessed us with on the original soundtrack of the game Final Fantasy VII, he added some new tracks. One of them was the powerful 'Cloud Smiles' which starts out with a feigned melancholy spirit and picks up as the... no. I won't tell you about it. Go listen.

If I had the power to control the celebration of my life, it would go as follows:
No casket.
A solo table with an old fashioned glass of ice, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, a bottle Coke. Next to that, a shot of Jameson.
A picture of me having fun.

No drawn out theatrics, no crying and pouring out of hearts about regrets. Just silence, and that damn song. Then everyone go home.

30 Days/30 Songs. Day 23: A Song that You Want to Play at Your Wedding

2012-02-14T12:30:00.000-05:00

Dearly Beloved - Yoko Shimomura

People shit on video game music.
People use words when they don't really need them. Music is the GREATEST example of this travesty. (Especially rap music)

Ok. I'm digressing...
Back in 2002, a video game was released. It was called Kingdom Hearts. The game was a product of the Square-Enix monster. (More on that later... as in, tomorrow) When it came to the soundtrack, Square turned to Japanese composer, Yoko Shimomura., who already had a couple impressive game soundtracks under HER belt, including the legendary Street Fighter II
When you begin the game, at the opening menu, a touching piano piece plays which in a way foreshadows the loving, yet sad tale that is about to unfold. This was how I first heard 'Dearly Beloved' which is arguably the best song on the whole damn game, even though it was light-hearted and a little (and I mean just a little) empty. As pleasant as the song was, it wasn't until 2005 that she tweaked it for Kingdom Hearts 2 and I immediately fell in love with the piece.

In the second version of the song, it has grown up. She added an orchestra, and the richness, the quality of the song just... enhances. It suddenly feels as though the meaning behind the work truly shines as the sounds of waves slide across sandy shores, dancing along the cello, and that piano. Truly amazing... and in my opinion one of the prettiest love songs I've ever heard. Apparently I'm not alone in that line of thought, think I'm lying? Go YouTube the song right now.

I've sat in on discussions before where people talk about the 'perfect song' to play at a wedding. It's always an argument about the mood isn't appropriate for Song X or Song B doesn't say the right thing. I've always thought to myself that's because sometimes the best thing in a situation is just understanding. Don't try to talk it out or be poetic. Let the music speak for itself. That's why this is my song for my particular occasion. No words are needed. None should be said. Everything you need to know lies within the title, and the music itself.

Give it a listen. Lie to me and say you disagree. (...and don't steal my idea.)

Fuck 'Going Hard'... 'Go Happy'

2012-02-08T14:12:00.001-05:00

Somebody must have pissed off Hector Salamanca in the WORST WAY. Yes. That's a dead guy.

Yes. The killers cut his dick off and stuffed it into his mouth.

Yes. You just realized you are nowhere NEAR as hard as you thought you were. Hip-Hop got some of ya'll thinking ya'll really doing something. Especially with the fabricated tales of Rick Ross, Ray J, just about every member of Young Money, some of the Dipset and etc. etc.

This picture is just a reminder that REAL motherfuckers are out there doing REAL gangsta shit. This is not to get you to 'go harder.'

You wanna go hard? Finish school... Or don't finish school. Get a decent job. Go hard in your bank account. Go hard raising your family. Be happy for once. Quit using the hood as an excuse to be ignorant. Great things can come from small beginnings. Trust me, because I'm telling you dumb fucks out there still holding down a block that probably won't 'hold you down. You can be as hard as Monster Kody, or as hard as the guys singing these songs pretend to be, (Yeah, Google HIM, youngins) but there will always be somebody ready to erase you and replace you. Don't learn the hard way and end up on some asshole's little blog trying to stop you from being a statistic. Do your math, kids.

Nobody can ever take your happiness. Ya'll be easy.

30 Days/30 Songs. Day 22: A Song You Listen to When You're Sad.

2012-02-08T12:20:00.000-05:00

Today - The Smashing Pumpkins

Upon first listen to this song, I thought this was very confusing.

That opening line:
Today is the greatest day I've ever known. Followed later in the song by the identical sounding line-
Today is the greatest day I've never known.

The lyrics continue on a cryptic memoir of a man who is it at the end of his rope. Which really confused my young mind back in the good ole days of 1993. It wasn't until a couple years later that I truly discovered the genius and background of this song.

The writer of the song, Billy Corgan, (on the right in the picture) frontman of the group, was depressed and suicidal after an 18 month long tour. For whatever reason- he felt like things couldn't get any worse. I'm not going to pretend like I know what pulled him out of his rut, but this song is the product of that experience. Read the lyrics. Those 'pink ribbon scars that never forget' can safely be assumed to be actual scars from cutting.

The genius of the song lies in how life like it is. It's hopeless and beautiful simultaneously. Such a wonderful contradiction. You have this gorgeous, almost bubbly guitar melody which sort of represents how things can appear fine with people on the surface, everything's ok and right. Then you have these depressing lyrics that show that if you dig deeper beyond the surface you can find a whole world of darkness and hurt.

Despite it's dark nature, I find the song comforting because of the self-discovery going on within the song's words. It's more than just overcoming suicide. It's a world view of everything having a nice appearance, but honestly having a sad, futile depth. It reminds me that I should give up trying to be what everyone else wants me to be. Usually when I'm sad, it's because I'm fucking exhausted living as a constant outsider. Whether it's regionally, or because my morals just can't withstand the onslaught of society's trends. (That goes from love, to living) The song shows me that sometimes you reach a point in life and it's like you feel that's as far as it can go and then it doesn't work anymore, so you shed your skin. You become something that you're probably not in order to succeed at what you want. Finally, at some point you realize that whatever it is, will also hurt you, so now you have to go through the process of getting rid of that person.

Just one huge pickle.
But when you do figure it out- it may just be the greatest day you'll ever know.

30 Days/30 Songs. Day 21: A Song That You Listen to When You’re Happy

2012-02-03T11:39:00.003-05:00

Everybody Wants to Rule the World
- Tears For Fears.

Oddly enough, this is not a happy song. In 1985, British group, Tears For Fears released this song, which speaks of the darker nature that most of us harbor.

Y'know...
That part of us that wants to make it to the top, or some how control the environment that we live in. That awful desire that shows no prejudice, from the poorest with few belongings to the rich and all the power that their money gives them. It seems that we all want power and want to get ahead. From running to get ahead of the next guy in a food line, to a country making "strategic" decisions in order to take advantage of a lesser neighbor country. If given the chance, we would all want to rule the world. This song is is all about that darker part of humanity, the wanting of power- the warfare and misery it causes. The part that is always trying to getting ahead of your fellow man.

But damned if musically it doesn't sound like a campy, magical, synthpop audible odyssey. This catchy tune has always been my goofy, happy song. (Wait, is it because I'm happy when I think of obtaining power?) From the trip home back from war, to getting promoted, to receiving my first financial bonus. How can you not listen to this in any other mood than happiness?

How can you not listen to this song, and not sing along with that pleading, "Say that you'll never, never, never, never need it"??

Ya'll trippin'
Tears For Fears killed this one. Despite it's dark message- this is a happy ass song. The song to go to when I'm in a 'smiling' sort of mood. It always has been, and I think it always will be.

30 Songs/30 Days. Day 20: A Song that you Listen to When You’re Angry

2012-02-01T13:29:00.000-05:00

Space Oddity - David Bowie

First, let me explain why.
I rarely get angry. Disappointed, yes. Sad. Yes. Frustrated, yes. But angry? No. Even in the midst of a fist fight I'm fundamentally apathetic. I hate being angry because it usually tips over to the more misanthropic side, a feeling I've been trying to shake for years.

This song, written during the height of the space race, is more about Bowie's looming alienation than space travel- at least I like to think so. (Although, I admit at later listens I thought it was was about being high on drugs.) This is a romanticized conception of casting out from the normal crowd and becoming something new and different.

In the song, astronaut Major Tom, the main character, departs from Earth on a space mission which turns out to be successful. However for unknown reasons he breaks contact with Ground Control and casually slips the bonds of the world to journey beyond the stars. His last transmission to Ground Control is "Tell my wife, I love her very much" and the response is that "she knows"

Whatever that feeling is that would push a man to leave everything behind and go off onto his own journey alone is the exact feeling I have EVERY time I get angry. I've never been one to argue much with folk- and I have thrown it all away and disappeared from 'my life'

Actually I've done it several times. If it weren't for Cristen's interference in 2004. I'd probably still be doing it.

30 Days/30 Songs. Day 19: A Song from your Favorite Album

2012-01-29T16:07:00.001-05:00

Let's Go Crazy -Prince (and the Revolution)

"Dearly Beloved..." Prince seductively declares over a funeral organ.

"We are gathered here today to get through this thing called LIFE.
Electric word, 'life' it means: forever.and that's a mighty long time...but I'm here to tell ya, there's something else...
The afterworld. A world of never ending happiness. You can always see the sun; day, or night..."

Suddenly the eulogy for 'this thing called life' picks up and we are invited to a celebration of daily opposition of de-elevators and words of misplaced authority by Dr. Everything Will Be Alright.

Exactly. Let's Go Crazy.
This song opens up my favorite album of all time, and invites the listener to shrug off all expectations of what's coming and just enjoy the experience. Not my favorite song on the album, but definitely stands out as one of the most important ones.

I thought it was awesome when I heard Public Enemy's 1990 single 'Brothers Gonna Work It Out' and recognized the sample from Prince's guitar solo. Dopeness.
I also heard that the Minnesota Twins play this song whenever someone hits a homerun. Props to Minnesota I suppose.

He's coming.
Take me away!

30 Days/30 Songs. Day 18: A Song That you Wish you Heard on the Radio

2012-01-27T14:09:00.001-05:00

Shaka - Q-Tip

Let's just be real here.
Fact: (well should be universally accepted as a fact) Q-Tip is the greatest producer/rapper in hip-hop history.

Before RZA was making 'Bobby Digital' records, there was 'The Brother Abstract'

Before T.I. was fighting himself on records, there was Tip. (which in reality is why T.I. had to change his name from Tip when he hit the mainstream)

Now why you wanna go and do that, love huh? (see what I did there?)

Before Kanye was stroking his ego and ya'll were stanning him for basically biting the RZA's approach to music- there was Q-Tip.
Hell, before Kanye decided to croon about 808s and Heartbreaks, Andre invited us to The Love Below, and before that-
Q-Tip got laughed at and shelved for making Kamaal/The Abstract

Yes. The brother from The Tribe ...who introduced us to Dilla.

So it really pisses me off when in 2008 all I heard on the radio was 'Lollipop' and 'Heartless' and whatever trash Gucci Mane was talking about at the moment. I never once- not once heard anything from Q-Tip's offering, The Renaissance.

Even to this day, as I scan the iPods of friends and so called hip-hop heads I see every single Lil' Wayne mixtape but I don't see anything from Tribe or Q-Tip. But I digress.

This particular song was not released as a single, it's the last track on The Renaissance and it's a sweet but banger worthy yet poetically calm tribute to his fallen brothers. If this (or any of the actual singles from the album) would've gotten radio play I'm sure you would've agreed. ...but it didn't.

Good thing I don't listen to the radio.

(I couldn't find a decent video for 'Shaka' so I embedded another song from the album called 'Gettin Up')

30 Days/30 Songs. Day 17: A Song That You Hear often on the Radio

2012-01-26T11:30:00.000-05:00

Niggas In Paris -The Throne (Jay-Z and Kanye West)

SIGH.
I am so sick of hearing this fucking song. I think I enjoyed it ONE good time. The night Watch the Throne was released. I played the album and said to myself- ok. "This is a standout track"
I should've expected that the radios, DJ's, sunday school teachers, mimes and every body else would play this song over...

...and over.
I took a drive the other day and I had to have been in the car for about 23 minutes, and I swear this song got played on the SAME station three times. THREE TIMES.
I once saw a woman pull over on the side of the road just to dance to this song.

Seriously. There's only one other song that I hear on the radio more than this one- and that's that Beyonce song.

The strongest beer in the world

2012-01-26T09:24:00.000-05:00

I freaking love the times we live in!
Yes.
That IS A BEER INSIDE A SQUIRREL.

Learn about it here: http://www.asylum.com/2010/07/22/its-the-worlds-strongest-most-expensive-beer-inside-a-squi/

30 Songs/30 Days. Day 16: A Song that you Used to Love, but now Hate

2012-01-24T12:00:00.000-05:00

Diwali Riddim - Steven "Lenky" Marsden

or as YOU may better know it as:

No Letting Go - Wayne Wonder
Never Leave You (Uh Oooh, Uh Oooh) - Lumidee
Get Busy - Sean Paul
Elephant Message - Elephant Man

...and a shit load of other songs

No other song got played more times in 2002-03 more than THIS damn song. I kinda feel shitty complaining about it, because not only did I party to all 20+ renditions of the damn song, but I own a lot of them. (especially the four I just named)

AND I don't know when it happened, but I am sick. and. tired. of hearing that clap clap drum of this fucking song. JUST TIRED.

In retrospect, HOW the hell the American music industry allowed ONE song- not a sample, not an interpolation, but THE EXACT SAME DAMN SONG to not only dominate the charts, but do it disguised as all these other damn songs beyond my scope of comprehension.

But I can't think about it too hard... because like I said:

"I partied to all 20+ renditions of it."

Somebody on YouTube decided to show you what I'm talkin' 'bout.

0:00 : Wayne Wonder - No Letting Go
1:18 : TOK - Galang Gal
2:15 : Elephant Man - Elephant Message
3:41 : Sean Paul - Get Busy
4:25 : Lumidee - Never Leave You (Uh Oooh Uh Oooh)
5:34 : Brick & Lace - Love Is Wicked
6:30 : Crissy D - Make It Real Good
7:08 : Danny English & Eggnog - Party Time
8:20 : Sufferer - Bounty Killer

30 Days/30 Songs. Day 15: A Song that Describes You

2012-01-21T12:30:00.000-05:00

Alfie - (Written by Burt Bacharach and Hal David)
Various Artists ... some known versions:
Dionne Warwick '67
Cher '66
Joss Stone '04
Stevie Wonder (harmonica instrumental) '68

What's it all about?

Even though this song doesn't describe me... the lyrics were built to simulate a woman speaking to a man, (Alfie- the title character from the movie Alfie) and whenever I hear this song, I feel like that man is me.

...and I can never answer that burning question:

What is it all about?

However...for those of you that feel as though I cheated- here's a song that does describe me:

Runaway - Kanye West (feat. Pusha T)

I feel this song gives a deeper glimpse at the fear and regret behind my ambivalence and inability to fully commit, even to a woman I truly love--there are simply too many temptations, my old habits are too ingrained, and it seems every woman I've been with has made it too easy for me to buy into my excuses. Sometimes I don't understand why some of the women I deal with won't give into my attempts to drive them away--even if I admitted that it'll break me if she finally does give up and leave.

That said, this is truly a beautiful song, I feel that it's not about someone who doesn't love the woman he's with, but about a guy that admits that he doesn't really know how to love anyone, including himself--hence the back and forth between lines that play up his secret pockets of self-loathing and lines that brag about his money and its ability to pull in women. He admits that his woman is a "good girl", but he's still addicted to the "hood rats" even though he knows their attraction to him is almost certainly totally shallow and all about what he could provide for them if they took her place. To me there's a lingering sadness in this song about the loneliness of that fact--he can't really connect, so he drowns himself in money and stray pussy, and feels helpless to change that fact. I absolutely love this song, I'd never blatantly admit that kind of vulnerability; so luckily he said it for me.

30 Songs/30 Days. Day 14: A Song Nobody Would Expect You to Love

2012-01-20T12:30:00.000-05:00

The Show - Lenka (acoustically covered by Kerris Dorsey)

This song reminds me of that line from Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing it goes:

"All the world's a stage, and the men and women merely players..."

This is another song that I heard a couple times and didn't pay much attention, (I thought it was cute and that's about it) only to hear an acoustic cover by the young actress Kerris Dorsey in the film 2011 film, Moneyball.

Like I said, I heard the song before- but it was something about watching that movie that amplified the meaning of the song. Especially that-'You're such a loser, Dad' replacement. (see the movie. Or...my earlier post) The meaning- which kind of reminds me of a Brad Pitt quote, (who coincidentally is the star of the film) which goes:

"I embrace the messiness of life. I find it so beautiful, actually" (said to GQ magazine in 2005)

The meaning, that life is often unsettling and hard to figure out, sometimes leaving you overwhelmed. She compares life itself to a show, which we all are in the audience of. A lot of people are disgruntled with life. Life hasn't been good to them. This song, a show is a metaphor for life, and some people "want their money back." They want a refund on their life because they feel like they've been cheated. She responds to them by saying "Just enjoy the show."
We are all in this audience, we all have ups and downs, failures and victories. (sometimes we have victories that feel like failures) It's because of this we all have to live in the moment. Don't fret over life's twists and turns, it's uncertainty. These things are are part of life.

Just embrace them and be happy.

30 Days/30 Songs. Day 13: A Song That is a Guilty Pleasure

2012-01-19T12:30:00.000-05:00

Butcher Pete (Part 1 of 2) -Roy Brown

I don't care what nobody says.
This is my shit.
When I first heard it, I wasn't moved. Years later, I heard it again- on a video game of all places. (Fallout 3)

I had to have played that game at least 12 times. So that means I heard this song about 195 times in one year. More specifically 195 times in 6 months.

But that's not why this song is my guilty pleasure. Sure, this song is early blues/R&B... but the true reason doesn't come until after you hear this song 3 or 4 times and REALLY listen to what's going on here.
Song about a butcher? What can be so bad?

Hey everybody, did the news get around
About a guy named Butcher Pete
Oh, Pete just flew into this town
And he's choppin' up all the women's meat

[Chorus]
He's hackin' and wackin' and smackin'
He's hackin' and wackin' and smackin'
He's hackin' and wackin' and smackin'
He just hacks, wacks, choppin' that meat

Butcher Pete's got a long sharp knife
He starts choppin' and don't know when to stop
All you fellows betta watch your wifes
'Cause Pete don't care who's meat he chops

..and that's just a quarter of the tale. (There's 2 parts of the song- and THAT'S just a portion of Part 1)
Sure, there are plenty of old blues songs that were either horrifically violent, or sexually explicit, but Roy Brown wasn't satisfied with one or the other. He decided to just cleverly do BOTH. If you couldn't figure it out, "Butcher Pete" is about a guy who goes around the countryside "chopping up all the women's meat" with his "long sharp knife." Still don't get it? Wow you're dense. This is a rare example where hiding the sexual content behind double entendres and innuendo somehow can make something a thousand times more offensive. Especially when you get to the jail anal rape part. Wait...

what?

The Bizarro Bucket List (Things I NEVER want to do before I die)

2012-01-19T11:30:00.000-05:00

So everyone is writing bucket lists. I don't remember hearing that term much before that movie came out.

I saw that movie on the flight back home from overseas. I thought it was okay, but I had already been hip to the whole 'bucket list' game. For a couple years prior to that I'd already owned a clever little book called 101 Things to Do Before You Die, which took the whole majesty or ambition out of crafting a bucket list.
Especially for a daredevil like myself.

Coincidentally enough, I was talking to a friend of mine not too long after viewing the movie, about his recent heartbreak, and he mentioned how he never in life wanted to be in my position. (not having anyone to love, a loner, blah blah blah) Believe it or not, for a second, I staggered. It got me to thinking about whether or not I would die alone, and if so- would I be okay with that.

A week later, it was discovered that the girl we were discussing had played him in a multitude of ways, the main one being financial. At that discovery I very maliciously retorted, 'Gee, I never want to be in your position' ...I still chuckle at that. Without further ado, here goes:

1. Break a Bone
A lot of people are surprised this have never happened to me, given the amount of scars I've collected, and the shit I've done. Well, it's true. I've banged up bones before- but never broken one. I'd like to keep it that way. I'm not ready for that cast life.

2. Cheat on my Girlfriend
I'm just not interested in the whole sneaking around thing. Has nothing to do with my morals, or whatever. Simply put, I just do NOT want to add another set of secrets to the long list of ones I already have. I don't have time to be sneaking around just because I can't keep my dick in my pants. I just DO NOT have the patience. Besides, by the time I have a successful relationship that lasts longer than 3 months, catching diseases will probably be easier than picking boogers.

3. Fail at Marriage
Yeah, see I'm a 'one shot, one kill' kinda guy- and I figure if I get over all my own insecurities and what nots to do something as huge as get married, I'm in it for the long haul. I have very little respect for the sanctity of marriage- however I do not appreciate the mockery it is now. There are more divorces nowadays than marriages. (and that doesn't even make since. lol) I don't want to waste all that time and money. So regardless of whatever financial, personal problems my wife and I encounter, we're getting over it.
...Or I'm taking that heifer for everything and keeping all of mine.

4. Be Sentenced to Prison
Sometimes, I do dirt. Hopefully I never go to PRISON over it. Jail's bad. I've done jail several times. Prison is a whole other ballpark. The food is disgusting, there's absolutely nothing to do ALL day. And...
Let's not even bring up the other thing...

5. Eat Vegan Food
I've never had tofu, soy or any of that 'taste just like' shit. I don't want any imitation animal in my mouth. EVER. This is becoming increasingly difficult with Peta corrupting minds every day, and all these trendy ass veggie spots masquerading as normal food spots.
Animals were put here for me to eat. It's the freakin' circle of life. Mufasa said so.
(This also goes for you Gluten-free bastards)

6. Have Naked Sex on a Beach. (or have naked anything anywhere near SAND)

So. I've had sex on a playground that had sand there before, and I kept my pants on, around my ankles. We weren't even fully in the damn sand now that I think about it. We were on a sliding board. Drunk. Doing it like we didn't have our own respective apartments to retreat to. Just that barbaric carnal urge... for 16 minutes of pleasure... only to suffer for what felt like an eternity of sand particles in my nether regions. Weeks of scratching and washing. The most annoying shit EVER.

7. Blow It All in Vegas
I'm just NOT the gambling type, a lot of my friends are. Don't get me wrong, I'll take the trip to the casino or whatever- but that whole 'keep taking the risk even though the place is designed for you to lose and you are in the hole'? The most I feel comfortable losing is $200 bucks. After that, I hit the slots, and drink $400 in free liquor. That's the way I am, there's no changing my mind on that one.

8. Play Golf
Because I, like Mark Twain, think the game is a good walk ruined. I just do not have the time- EVER- to be walking around swatting at balls while somebody else carries my instruments like a douche is just not my cup o' tea. I'll admit. Hitting things really hard is always fun, but all the other aspects of this 'game' is an exercise in not letting your frustrations with the 'game' make you completely lose your shit. Seriously. Antique Road Show has more action than any golf game I've tried to watch.

9. Befriend someone whose life is inspired a Lifetime movie
Which in my ignorant mode of thinking literally means: I don't want to befriend any rape victims, domestic abuse victims, or moms that had their children taken by someone, and then they became notorious/famous because of it. Sue me.

10. BE ANYWHERE NEAR THIS FUCKING ... THING.

Son. I shouldn't even have to explain. This the type of shit that's only supposed to exist on Fallout 3 or some shit. Just know, if that's ever in my house- it's time to pull the firearm out.

...and that's it.
I have others, you know- the shit that's on everyone's list like 'box a kangaroo', 'buy anything by Justin Beiber', or 'find out I'm allergic to bacon' but I didn't wanna be too long winded. What are some of yours?

30 Days/30 Songs. Day 12: A Song From a Band You Hate

2012-01-15T21:18:00.000-05:00

This one was easy. I could have simply said anything from Young Money/Cash Money... but that would've been too easy.

I decided to interpret the question- by asking myself what song do I like from a band I simultaneously hate. Okay. I came up with two. (Although one isn't a group. ...but then again, the other one technically isn't the group they claim to be)

Heartbreaker - will.i.am.

I'm not a Black Eyed Peas fan at all. In fact, I've never enjoyed any of their songs post adding Fergie to the group. I don't despise them... I just don't get down to their hits. I think they're cheesy as fuck. However, this particular song was played over, and over at this bar I used to work at. Until one day I actually discovered that I went on iTunes and bought it.

Damn if this shit ain't catchy. But it's just as equally corny. lol
(the video featured some chick named Cheryl Cole that's not on the album version)

the second and the one I originally thought of was:

Angels - Diddy/Dirty Money (feat. The Notorious B.I.G.)

The sole reason I technically hate Dirty Money is because it's a blatant ruse. Diddy, I respect you but those broads are nothing more but glorified backup singers.

At least that's the way I see it.
Until they drop their own album without your name attached to it, I can't really see them as a 'group' Ok. Maybe I'm being harsh. There were several times on 'their' album, Last Train to Paris where the girls are showcased.

Speaking of Last Train to Paris, I did enjoy the offering. Mostly because I didn't expect to be BLOWN away lyrically, I expected great production, feel good dance hip-hop dance, or drive down I-95 doin a buck music. That's exactly what I got.

Can't really be mad at that.

Anyway, I first heard Angels long before the album was finally released, and I immediately recognized the Jay-Z 'Where I'm From' sample, (which is really a sample in itself of 'Bad Bad Man' by Fat Joe) and I was compelled to listen further- then I heard my boy Biggie with a recycled verse from 'My Downfall' followed by Diddy and his 'glorified backup singers' croon out a tale of toxic love.

A lot of people hated it. I liked it, despite my feelings towards the group. I thought the video was cool too.
When the album was finally released, imagine my surprise to see it had been destroyed by a verse from Rick Ross added post it's release as a single.

Ugh. at least we'll always have the original on the video.

Title: Angels (feat. The Notorious B.I.G.)
Artist: Diddy- Dirty Money
Album: Last Train to Paris
Released: December 14, 2010

Soiree [Happiness]

2012-01-15T10:00:00.000-05:00

My 29th birthday was celebrated at Policy back in December. Policy is a nice little place over on 14th and T St. NW. I hadn't thrown an official party in a while, and I was worried that I'd be a little out of element. However the staff of Policy made sure that me and my crew had a great time. I'm not gonna talk about the things that happened- but I am going to share some of the pictures that made it out.

My homeboy Tam made it out, which was a big deal, because he doesn't drink as much as my other friends, nor does he live within the city. So he came out to let his hair down. Sweet.

Keiana and Will made it out too. Which will probably be their last public appearance now that they got a baby on the way. Congrats, guys.

These two made it out too. I wonder if they were ready for that shit show.

My cadre came out heels and flirty dresses. Eye candy for days.

These guys got there. I heard they had a tough time getting in, it was crazy packed.

My cousin Derrell popped up out of nowhere.

...however, this is how my night ended. Sheesh.

“To be kind to all, to like many and love a few, to be needed and wanted by those we love, is certainly the nearest we can come to happiness.”
- Mary Stuart

30 Days/30 Songs. Day 11: A Song From Your Favorite Band

2012-01-14T20:38:00.000-05:00

17 Days
(The rain will come down, then U will have 2 choose. If U believe, look 2 the dawn and U shall never lose.)

-Prince (& The Revolution)

Talk about long ass song titles.

That's legit the original title of the song. Although on further releases of the song simply called it '17 Days' This song was originally released as a B-side to 'When Doves Cry' (which was the lead single from Purple Rain) it wasn't released on an album until much later on Prince's greatest hits album.

And although the song, (much like most of the songs credited to 'Prince & The Revolution') was written and produced mostly by Prince, it was originally credited to the entire band. So I don't feel like a complete cheater using this as a song from my favorite band. Because let's face it. Prince is fucking awesome.

If I had to choose an all-around favorite artist of all time, Prince wins hands down.

Anyway, this song- refers to how long it's been since Prince's former lover left him for someone else, leaving with "twp cigarettes and this broken heart of mine" For such a lyrically sad song, it definitely is the shit.

I once saw an online video of Prince performing this song at his Welcome 2 tour last year. In the video, he also blends elements of Teena Marie's 'Lovergirl' and extra instrumentation.

I've heard people say he originally wrote this for Vanity 6, but when Vanity left he kept it for himself. I guess he recognized it's genius.

As far as legacy goes, the song would later go on to be sampled by MC Lyte for her hit, "Paper Thin"

Title: 17 Days
Artist: Prince (& The Revolution)
Album: (B-Side to When Doves Cry) / The Hits/The B-SidesReleased: March 16, 1984 / Sept. 14, 1993

Buy Here

Whatever happened, HAPPENED. [Perfectly Normal]

2012-01-13T19:30:00.000-05:00

I implore you to watch that before moving on. [NSFW]

This is arguably the most important scene from a little movie from Kevin Smith called, 'Chasing Amy' (1997) (Lol. I know my friends are sick of me referencing this film, however- there's so many things you can learn from it.
Anyway, a cyber friend of mine asked the question today:
Question for you guys. What is a "respectable," yet realistic, number for a 25-30 year old woman? I'm interested in ur opinion.

Here's my answer: WHO GIVES A SHIT?

Let's eliminate the bullshit that this question contains, and get to the real issue here.

Full disclosure.

In a relationship you don't have to tell your mate every damn thing. It's a relationship for crying out loud, not an oath in court. Hell, some people don't want to know everything that you've done before they came along. Some of them even say, "Hey I don't wanna know about your old whoring ways"
I like these people. Respect these people and their decision. Don't tell them anything they don't ask about.
Just do not volunteer the info.

Everyone has the right to their past and the experiences that made them who they are. A person shouldn't have to hide experiences and pretend like things did not happen.

They had a life before you.
Past lovers exist.

In my opinion, it's not only insecure as fuck, but hugely psychotic to believe that a past checkered with sexual escapades, or carnal discovery should just fucking vanish because YOUR brand new ass just arrived in your 'shining armor.' Same thing goes for people that want their significant others to burn old pictures, letters, throw away old trinkets, or never ever speak to, or mention old exes.
Because you feel everything before you shouldn't exist?

Thing is, you don't get to date a blank slate. You don't get a fresh sheet. Why do you feel you deserve one?
If you really feel that way, move over to the middle east where they still practice arranged marriages at 14 years old.

I believe that when a woman enters my life I want to know about her past because I'm interested in her present. Not because I want to judge her past actions. Because who she is now, is formed by who she was then, and all that she's been through. Not because I think she has a disease. Lots of sex doesn't equate to germ sponge, and I think people that use that argument have just admitted they lost the argument and that they are driving blindfolded. I'm not threatened by all those old guys, or any mementos she kept of them. You shouldn't be either.

Don't get me wrong. I don't sit in bed and say,
"Ooh PLEASE tell me about that time you went down on 4 guys in a line like a circus seal."
Grow up.

The source of the problem, (and I can't pretend like I'm not directing this at men anymore) is a little mind set called the Virgin/Whore Dichotomy. (Go look it up.)
"It's okay to be a whore when I want my dick sucked, but I can't marry a girl that has sucked 37 dicks."
What the fuck ever.

These men that think that way, or even any guy that answered that question with an actual number needs to be sat down and told this:

GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

"How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being?”

-Oscar Wilde

30 Days/30 Songs. Day 10: A Song that Makes You Fall Asleep

2012-01-13T13:28:00.001-05:00

In A Sentimental Mood - Duke Ellington (feat. John Coltrane)

I make playlists in iTunes for various occasions. Except sex. I do NOT have a sex soundtrack. I'm not focused, or smooth enough to have set the mood music in the background.

I tried once, but the playing of Usher's 'Burn', Dionne Farris' 'Hopeless', and Foreigner's 'I Want to Know What Love Is' really confused the girl I was with.

I am however quite skilled at creating playlists for parties and doing homework, and more importantly- to drift away to snoozetown.

My Sleep through the Static playlist has survived 4 computers and been burned by at least 6 friends. The most important song on the playlist?

In a Sentimental Mood by the Duke.
What can you say about this song that hasn't already been said about your best orgasm? Far from being one of the Duke's better compositions- it definitely goes down as one of his most recognizable. This particular version also features another jazz legend, John Coltrane, and his mighty saxophone. Most people probably recognize this piece from the 1997 film, Love Jones. It was also included on the soundtrack.

An amazing tidbit about this song is that it was composed on the spot to help his friend put two lady friends in a more subtle mood. Wow.
Even though the song's intent was not to make me fall asleep, something about listening to this song at the end of a long day, laying in bed makes me feel like that is its sole intention.
And before you know it, I'm out.

30 Days/30 Songs. Day 9: A Song You Can Dance To

2012-01-12T17:20:00.000-05:00

Dance Tonight - Lucy Pearl

Man, I don't dance anymore. 'anymore' because the last time I danced well, it was 1988 with my Uncle Dwayne and we were watching Breakin'

Ever since being a B-Boy stopped being cool in the late 80's I haven't really danced. Well...maybe that one time when Chubb Rock's 'Treat 'Em Right' dropped... but nope. Tony T. doesn't do the dancing. I don't care what airhead folk ya'll know that got it in their head that dancing equates to 'great in bed' because I don't dance and I have not received any complaints in that area.

However, there is ONE exception to this rule. That exception came in the year 2000. A little before I entered the military, former Tony! Toni! Toné! member Raphael Saadiq hooked up with Dawn Robinson, (formerly of En Vogue) and Ali Shaheed Muhammad (formerly of A Tribe Called Quest) to form Lucy Pearl. How awesome does that shit sound?

The group wouldn't last long- (unfortunately) but before they left us, they dropped their first single, 'Dance Tonight' man. That song, that group- was so soulful, so rhythm and blues, while so feel good. It just had a really good sound that hadn't been heard by my ears in a while. Maybe what made it worse for me was this was the last song I heard before entering my 10 week long basic training for the Navy. For 10 weeks this played in my head.

It was the first song I played when I graduated boot camp. I danced on the train ride back to base. (well... no I didn't but I definitely bopped my head and tapped my foot. Them passengers knew I had a groove going on)

To this day, this song brings that feeling of no worries over me.
And it probably will forever.

Title: Dance Tonight
Artist: Lucy Pearl
Album: Lucy Pearl
Released: May 23, 2000

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30 Days/30 Songs. Day 8: A Song That You Know All the Words To

2012-01-11T17:04:00.001-05:00

I know the words to a lot of songs. So I had to come up with a way to pick ONE out of them all, which was difficult. I figured, I needed to come up with a song that isn't on the list anywhere else, lyrics I'd probably never forget, and at the same time gave me that feeling that I wanted to mouth along with the artist whenever I heard it.

At first, I thought of:

Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana

One of my favorite song lyrics is contained in this very song.

"I find it hard,
hard to find.
Oh well,
whatever.
Never mind."

So meaningful, yet simultaneously utter nonsense. The whole song is. Go read the lyrics. The song went on to become an unexpected hit from the young Nirvana, which would unintentionally become anthem for apathetic kids of Generation X. Even the title of the song is misleading. Kurt Cobain, Nirvana's frontman came home to discover the message "Kurt Smells Like Teen Spirit" spray painted on his wall. Since he had been discussing anarchism, punk rock, and similar topics, with some friends, Cobain interpreted the slogan as having a revolutionary meaning. What the writer actually meant, however, was that Cobain smelled like the deodorant Teen Spirit, which his girlfriend at the time wore. Hilarious.

Then I thought of:

I Try - Talib Kweli (feat. Mary J. Blige)

Here, Talib speaks of swimming through all of society's bullshit. Just the overall struggle, the beautiful messiness of life. and how you just gotta survive despite it all. It kinda reminds me of his previous single, 'Get By' in so many ways. His lyrical wordplay is so clever here as he describes these things behind several complex metaphors. Backed by a Kanye West piano driven instrumental, and on top of all that, Mary belting out a tenacious and determined... "I trrryyyy"

"Life is a beautiful struggle,
people search through the rubble
for a suitable hustle-
Some people usin' the noodle
Some people usin' the muscle
Some people put it all together,
make it fit like a puzzle."

Finally though- it hit me. I knew what song I wanted to pick. It wasn't a song that moved me or I particularly enjoyed in any mood. Just a bunch of words set to a beat, that just happen to be in an alphabetical alliteration.

Alphabet Aerobics (The Cut Chemist 2 1/2 Minute Workout) - Gift of Gab (of Blackalicious)

There's not much to say about this song, because it really has no meaning- besides the clearly obvious. The Gift of Gab is showing of his awesome emcee skills by constructing his bars in slight alliteration in alphabetical order. To top it all off, he increases speed as the song progresses. By the time you reach the 'F's, I dare you to try to keep up.

It's amazing. Every time my iPod shuffles this into play, (because really there's no other reason to listen to the song, it's not a song you can ride out to or anything) I immediately begin spitting his lyrics as if I wrote them.
...and then like all good things, 2 minutes later, it's gone.

Title: Alphabet Aerobics
Artist: Blackalicious
Album: The A2G EP
Released: June 22, 1999

30 Days/30 Songs. Day 7: A Song That Reminds You of a Certain Event

2012-01-10T14:02:00.000-05:00

halfcrazy - Musiq (Soulchild)

Unfortunately, I met Cristen. Shit sucks. Because in retrospect I could have saved myself a LOT of embarrassment and frustration.
Although- I'm apathetic (or is it logical?) enough to realize that without Cristen, I never would have been able to do any of the serious, or pseudo-serious dating I've done these last 5 and half years if it weren't for my time with her. So I guess I should chalk it up to a necessary learning experience, huh?

I'm big enough to admit that all of that could have been avoided had I not crossed the line and convinced her that we should attempt a relationship. When we met it was like an unspoken agreement that we were only going to be friends. I, to this day, have no clue how she first perceived me. However, when I first met her, I thought she was cute- but nowhere near cute enough for me to trade all the casual snatch I was tagging in for her.

Funny how crude that sounds, then you realize that only remained true for a couple months. It wasn't long before I was talking to her every day, sharing laughs with her, texting her the most ridiculous oddities and inside jokes.

And then, at her birthday party I saw her leave with some random guy to go fuck him. I felt something I hadn't felt in a while. It made me uncomfortable. Even though up to that point I'd been content in my inane life, I knew quite well what that feeling was. I was jealous.

So I did what any emotional cripple would do. I went and fucked some one else right then and there.
When I returned I'd discover that something was off in you too. You were not pleased at all at my disappearance.

Then came the talk. You were clairvoyant enough to see what the future held if we went down that road. You were hesitant.
Me on the other hand, did like Musiq did in the song.
"I was convinced it would be alright."

...and it was a downhill spiral ever since. Cloud once described us as a 'Fisher Price Sid & Nancy'

...And then this song was released in the midst of all our shit.

...and now, you're married with another kid on the way. We talk what? Once every two months.
Shit.

Title: halfcrazy
Artist: Musiq (soulchild)
Album: Juslisen
Released: May 7, 2002

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The Cost of Living [in the relationship]

2012-01-09T18:35:00.000-05:00

I've often joked that I have the Seinfeld Dating Curse. That being the repetitive nature of dumping someone you're dating over a superficial flaw. (i.e. 'man hands', 'she ate her peas one at a time', 'her belly button talked' ...yada, yada, yada-See what I did there?)
When in reality it's not me at all... it's a lot of you. The quagmire I currently find myself in was fired from the same cannon of bullshit that I've actually heard my friends say, or write about.

Ya'll are killing me these days with these dealbreakers. Seriously. If you got more than five reasons not to be with anyone then you need to just face the music and get comfortable with your hands. You're turning down great opportunities with people, and focusing on shallow, superficial shit. The funny thing is, the reason you're doing it. Whether you want to admit it or not, it's because you believe that your absolutely perfect, complies with all your batshit crazy really stupid nonsense, angel- handpicked by God himself- is on their way into your life, and will be here soon, as long as you don't settle. Because let's face it. Your girlie mags and subliminal messages in movies told you settling was another form of giving up, right?

I said it before, and I stand by it:

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS THE ONE.
(Unless, you are currently plugged into a system in which your reality as you perceive it is actually a simulated reality created by sentient machines to pacify and subdue the human population, while your body's heat and electrical activity are used as an energy source.)

You want to be in a long term relationship?
Understand this basic fundamental rule.
You cannot settle down until you learn how to settle for.

You have to learn to put up with things. This is probably why the phrase 'patience is a virtue' has lasted so long. There are no 100% good things in life. Your new Benz is fly, but those maintenance fees are a bitch. Your bank account is very impressive, but what did you have to put up with to get it there? Etc. etc. ...etc.

Flaws.
Everyone has them shits. What are yours? The flaws you should be concerned about are fixable. Your boy of interest pisses with the door open? Tell him to close the fucking door. She eats in bed? Tell her go the fucking kitchen. This whole give and take is similar to buying that new Benz, or catching a train. You gotta pay the fare if you wanna ride the ride.

What YOU have to do is understand what you can put up with, and what you can't put up with. Honestly, you should be able to count on ONE hand all of your "dealbreakers." Dealbreakers can be things like, "she may be a closet racist." "He is in $40,000 of debt" Dealbreakers can not be superficial bullshit like, "Oh, I hate the way you dress." Because if a shallow reason is why you aren't with someone then the problem clearly is YOU.

Deal with it. There is NO perfect person out there for you. Not for anyone. No soul mate. No person born and raised for you and you alone. All of these. Lies. LIIIIIIIEEEEES.

Allow me to show you how society has screwed itself.
You can sit there and tell yourself that blatant lie, (which is kinda beautiful in its Santa Claus, Easter Bunny way) but the reality is, it's a myth. What do we know about myths? Well one, they're built on a bunch of lies, and sometimes there's one atom of truth involved. If you look up Myth, the definition you will get is, an unproved or false collective belief that is used to justify a social institution. I can't think of any better word to describe the belief in soul mates, the belief that two people are perfect for one another. Every long term relationship you've ever heard of is a myth that two people tell others, and it trickles down the grapevine the way myths often do. You're probably shaking your head now, calling me all sorts of names- but I'm serious. All of the best relationships I've ever witnessed, (and I've witnessed a LOT) are built on lies and deceit.

Well what lies and deceit you ask? I'll tell ya.
People in perfect or even really good relationships almost never tell you the whole story. They only tell their best, or their really good. Never the absolute shitty stuff that they had to get over.

When you meet someone for the first time you present an embellished version of yourself. You always lead with your best, and then it's six months later you start to fart in front each other, snore, and wear tube socks with your dress pants. (seriously, someone I know) That my friends, is where the magic lies, the key to longevity- because it's there and only there that you actually meet the person behind the charade. (and vice versa)

The beauty of the long term relationship is every day you get to pretend that your significant other is really that idealized lie you met at first, instead of the actual 'man behind the curtain' that you're actually with. You'll know the truth, that Prince Charming is really just an okay looking guy, who's sweet and honest, but has the disgusting habit of pissing with the door open. The fact that you know this about them, and they know the truth about you- forces you to be a better person.
Forces you to become the you you pretended to be originally, in turn making your lie self true. (If you're smart.)

Because honestly, if you stick around long enough to embrace the better qualities of a person you won't see the eating in bed, the wearing of tube socks with dress pants... the 'yada yada yada'
Remember: No two people want the same thing. No two people are perfectly sexually compatible. It's way too many possibilities and thoughts out there to have such a naive concept be true. If you cannot reconcile with that, then you will continuously be recycled through the lineup. You will forever be plagued with trysts and short lived relationships that are really glorified hook-ups. I guarantee that.
If you forsake a promising opportunity over something stupid, and superficial, or you are waiting for Mr./Mrs Perfect and Right, it will ALWAYS be your fault- Never theirs. I guarantee that too.

Be smart.
The only way to become the one is if someone is willing to pretend you are the one. (and vice versa) That's just the way it is.

"I present myself to you in a form suitable to be in the relationship I wish to achieve with you.” -Luigi Pirandello

(The last three photos are from the 2004 film, Alfie. Check it out.)

30 Days/30 Songs. Day 6: A Song that Reminds You of Somewhere

2012-01-09T16:13:00.000-05:00

Around the World - Daft Punk

Daft Punk is beyond amazing. I think there's a Daft Punk song for almost every occasion in life.

In my opinion, this particular Daft Punk song fit for most of my war training during 2002.

Every time I hit the gym, every time I fired a rifle, (whether my target was a paper bullseye, or human flesh) the soundtrack to accompany these events was 'Around the World'

Something about that jovial, yet steady bass line- that robotic voice singing 'around the world' over and over again, yet not not so much that it's annoying. When you dissect the song, and realize how simple it is, then you discover the genius of it.

It always seemed to take my mind off of the fact that I was kicking in doors, when I was...well, kicking in doors. I remember first hearing it in high school, but I couldn't fully get down with it. It wasn't until I was doing some hardcore PT in Camp Lejeune, North Carolina running in leather combat boots, doing push-ups in the mud, and that's the memory this song brings me every time I hear it now. Training for war.

There I was blasting this into my ears my tiny little Sony Mini Disc, and it motivated the hell out of my workout. Because as any seasoned vet will tell you, war... and combat, like dancing- is done to a rhythm. To this day, this song is the first song on any playlist I make that I listen to in my uniform.

When I hit the ground in Afghanistan, this ushered my arrival. It is my war anthem. It helps my apathy.

...and the video is one of the greatest videos ever. I love how the dancers represent a vinyl record.

Title: Around the World
Artist: Daft Punk
Album: Homework
Released: March 25, 1997

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30 Days/30 Songs. Day 5: A Song that Reminds You of Someone.

2012-01-08T12:00:00.000-05:00

"Sitting, Waiting, Wishing" -Jack Johnson

I can't even pretend that this song reminds me of any particular person at this point. At this chapter in my life, it reminds me of EVERY woman I've ever considered leaping into that final frontier with. I remember that night in March of 2005, when I first heard it. Cristen and I were going through our usual passive aggressive spats, and I sat in my bedroom in a semi morose mood, watching the insomniac music videos on Vh1. Then the video for this song came on, and it was so unique that I had to finish watching it, because my initial thought was to change the channel.

As I watched, I listened to what he was saying, and I've been a fan ever since. (Hell my blog is named after his album) Jack has a way with describing complicated situations in the most simple ways. The song is about a man who loves a woman very much, but his approaches are denied over and over again. The man feels that they are meant to be together and despite how he feels about her, she keeps giving him the run-around. This is particularly evident in the line "building me up, you keep shooting me down". Eventually he realizes he is getting tired of loving her while getting nothing in return, and that she is just playing him for a fool.

Even though originally felt that this song described Cristen and my time together, it eventually became the theme for just about every woman I've ever felt strongly for.

...maybe I need to fall for better women.

*siiigh*

The video is really cool too. Check it out.

Title: Sitting, Waiting, Wishing
Artist: Jack Johnson
Album: In Between Dreams
Released: March 1, 2005

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30 Days/30 Songs. Day 4: A Song That Makes You Sad

2012-01-07T14:00:00.000-05:00

"Sky's The Limit" - The Notorious B.I.G. (feat. 112)

The third single posthumously released from The Notorious B.I.G.'s second and final studio album, Life After Death. Every time I hear this song, I feel blue. Even the production of the song feels somber and eerily foreshadowing of Biggie's death soon after.

This song hits extra hard for me, Biggie was (is) my favorite emcee, and listening to this particular song out of all his songs, I realize how he tried to make one inspirational song to the folk that feel like they live on the bottom and their dreams are out of their grasp. This song, being in the same line, but an emotional opposite from 'Everyday Struggle' on his debut LP, Ready to Die. I think about his personal struggles and how he must have felt making this song, feeling that you can achieve your dreams if you just believe.
...only to die before he could fully grasp them.

When I hear that opening line, "A nigga never been as broke as me..." I think about how emotional his funeral procession was going down Fulton street in Brooklyn, that cold, yet surprisingly sunny morning in 1997. (I skipped school that day to attend with a friend I don't even speak to anymore.) I wish he could have seen how rich he was that morning.
Then somebody played 'Hypnotize' from a speaker in a window. Holy Shit.

It wouldn't be until years later that I would get over the whole thing and finally sat and watched the video Diddy made for 'Sky's the Limit' after Big was long gone. When I saw those little kids playing the Bad Boy family, B.I.G., Kim, Junior M.A.F.I.A. and Diddy, it all came back to me.

....and it's so sad. What a power to take. Damn. Miss you B.I.G.

Title: Sky's the Limit (feat. 112)
Artist: The Notorious B.I.G.
Album: Life After Death
Released: March 25, 1997

Buy here

30 Days/30 Songs. Day 3: A Song that Makes You Happy

2012-01-06T15:51:00.000-05:00

Bohemian Rhapsody -Queen

Such a controversially legendary song.
I strongly believe that it's impossible to listen to this song without smiling or singing along at some point. I don't care what's going on, whenever I hear this played I must stand up and belt out the words as if I'm in the band too. It's energetic, it's moving- it's POWERFUL. Rock the fuck out. Even as I type this, I'm listening to it- barely containing the urge to air guitar.

Who knows what was going through the mind of Queen's frontman, Freddie Mercury when he sat down and penned Bohemian Rhapsody? I mean, seriously can you think of another modern day song that is as complex as this one? Don't even bother. You cannot.
The song is constructed with a hypnotic intro, followed by a melancholy like ballad, then an electrictrfying guitar solo, a vibrant opera, and a solid hard rock portion, only to end with a peaceful outro. Wow. Like a roller coaster ascends a hill, the song begins, slowly building up and then Boom! The excitement unleashes into an energetic atom bomb. It's easy to see why some people regard Freddie Mercury as one of the greatest voices in rock history. Keep in mind, we have yet to discuss the fatalistic lyrical content of the song.
Fuckin' poetry.
It has been said that it's a tale about a man that has accidentally killed someone and much like Faust, has sold his soul to the devil. On the night of his execution, the man cries out to God and his angels, come and rescue the man's soul from the Devil. Maybe the song is about a man that has committed an impulsive murder and faces an epiphany before his punishment of death. The band remains hush over the songs meaning, only hinting that the song was a veiled reference to Mercury's personal traumas.

Will we ever know?
Probably not.
Sometimes things are not meant to be understood. Just press play and enjoy.

Title: Bohemian Rhapsody
Artist: Queen
Album: A Night At The Opera
Released: November 21, 1975

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30 Days/30 Songs. Day 2: Your Least Favorite Song

2012-01-05T23:45:00.000-05:00

"Every Girl in the World" - Young Money (Lil' Wayne, Drake Jae Millz, Gudda Gudda & Mack Maine)

This one was easy.
I tried to approach this one unbiased, because it's no secret I despise Young Money and all its 'artists'. (Especially- ESPECIALLY that logo of theirs that's a ripoff of the legendary New York Yankees logo.) Even with an indifferent eye on the subject, I can't help but feel that this is by far one of THE STUPIDEST SONGS EVER WRITTEN.

From it's ridiculous ambition (whether serious, or playful) to 'fuck every girl in the world', to it's sinfully catchy hook, it makes no sense. How can you state that you want to fuck every girl in the world yet your music videos, your demeanor, and your lyrics clearly identify a certain type of woman that you're solely interested in? By being a complete fool, that's how.

It's my belief that songs like this are the reason irresponsible men are out here with 4 or 5 children with 4 or 5 different mothers. I'm far from giving a shit about women's rights, nor do I carry myself as a role model for how men should treat women. However, I have enough common sense to see that this is a preposterous idea, no matter how much you love women. Any male worth his salt that has led a life of casual sex knows that sleeping with 'every girl in the world' or even too many is a recipe for disaster on numerous levels. This song (along with many others like it) remind me of why so many other cultures hate hip-hop. Hip-hop started out as the black man's CNN and now it's nothing more than tales of frivolous spending and glorified sexual escapades with red and yellow skinned video vixens. The funny part about that is, NONE of the audience that caters to this type of 'music' can relate to the lifestyle described in the songs.
Even if... it's a playful tale of wanting to sleep with every (pretty, fair skinned, long haired, size 2-6) girl in the world.

...and that's just all I have to say about that. Meh.

(Close runner up: "I'm Single" - Lil' Wayne another completely retarded song that makes absolutely no sense in real life.)
Title: Every Girl in the World
Artist: Young Money
Album: We Are Young Money
Released: December 21, 2009

30 Days/30 Songs. Day 1: Your Favorite Song

2012-01-04T19:00:00.000-05:00

They Reminisce Over You (T.R.O.Y.)" - Pete Rock & C.L. Smooth

It was really hard to come up with what was my favorite song of all time. But then I remembered- I'm fucking in love with this song. What was composed as a eternal tribute to Trouble T-Roy a dance member of Heavy D & The Boyz, has carved a legacy as one of hip-hop's most highly regarded songs.

It's impossible not to listen to this song and not tap your foot or nod your head in approval. The jazzy saxophone and bass line, the smooth (no pun intended) sound of C.L.'s voice as tells fond memories of his own childhood, in working class Mt. Vernon... this is more than a song. This is an eargasm.

I implore you to listen again if you don't feel what C.L. is talking about here. This song is the testament to the daily struggle in the life of one man. It doesn't matter if you're from Pigmont, North Dakota or Mt. Vernon, New York. When you listen to this song you can almost feel how memories appreciate when time passes. For example, when C.L. states, "Telling me how to raise my boy unless he's taking over, I said Pop, maybe when you're older" This shows how even advice from elders, which can come off as annoying and overbearing- can grow into nostalgia over time. This song is amazing, and it will only grow in relevance as memories grow in the mind of the listener. Whether they are good or bad. Remember your past as a positive over negative, and be thankful.

Just follow Pete Rock's advice as the song leads out: "Just listen. Listen. Listen, just listen."

Title: They Reminisce Over You (T.R.O.Y.)

Artist: Pete Rock & C.L. Smooth
Album: Mecca and the Soul Brother
Release: June 9, 1992

Buy here

The Notorious SIRI

2011-12-11T12:30:00.001-05:00

Okay.

Also, this is hilarious. (But I fear, kids won't get what I'm saying here)

Moneyball and Life: The Art of Winning an Unfair Game

2011-12-09T14:30:00.000-05:00

'Moneyball: The Art of Winning an Unfair Game' is a 2003 book written by Michael Lewis about the Oakland A's baseball team and its manager, Billy Beane. The book focuses on Billy's modern, sabermetric approach to building a competitive team in a league where Oakland's revenue just cannot compete with the rest of the MLB. The movie starring Brad Pitt was released earlier this year, and will be released on DVD/Blu Ray on Jan. 10. I cannot stress enough how awesome this movie was.

In fact, this is what this particular entry is about.

I know most of you are not interested in baseball, but I'm not focusing on the actual game of baseball here. I'm focusing on the idea that the film chose to support. The idea that yes you- the little guy CAN take on the machine and 'win'. Yes, you can change the rules of the game- especially when the game is being played to put you at a disadvantage.
The film stars Brad Pitt as Beane, who is living with the ghost of his own short-lived, failed, baseball career haunting him, forever regretting his decision to play in the majors and sacrifice his full scholarship to Stanford. His failed marriage, and his daughter now living with his ex-wife and her effeminate new husband, and he's the general manager of the Oakland A's. The Oakland A's are in a bad shape. They consistently grow great players, but since they don't have much money- the players they train and "farm" are snatched away by larger and richer teams. Beane has beaten himself up so much over his shitty life that he blames the team's failures on his own bad luck.

But then something happens, (I'm not going to tell the movie) and it snowballs into Beane changing the way the sport is viewed and played. He decides to go against all the pros and all the folk that tell him he won't win and take a chance on what he feels is right. Since the odds were heavily stacked against him from the beginning, this is not an easy path to take. He is constantly flanked by opposition, most of it from his own team. As I sat there in that theater absorbing the film, I couldn't help but feel like I could relate to Billy in so many ways. Sometimes our lives can present us with choices we have to make that at first seem like great decisions, but then you find yourself twenty years later regretting those decisions and you feel like you're at rock bottom because of them. ...well at least that's how I felt watching it. After Beane applies his method, there's no immediate change- in fact the team slumps worse than before, but then in that 11th hour, the team goes on to accomplish a record breaking 20 game win streak. (which actually happened in 2002- film's based on a true story, guys) You find yourself now cheering for the underdog as the defunct ragtag A's are now playoff bound, Beane's finally believing in himself.. and then well...

Just go look at sport's records to find out what happened next. Hint: They didn't make it to the championship. Hey, not all endings are happy.

So is the lesson 'Moneyball' trying to teach us is: 'Winning' isn't everything or better yet, recognize what true victory is? The legendary Vince Lombardi used to say that (winning) it's the only thing. But what if Lombardi was wrong? What if other things mean more, last longer, have more significance than victories, not only in life but also in the particular lives of the people who play the games?

*spoiler alert*
At the very end of the film, Beane is just about to give up, because he's facing the reality that he can't win. He just CAN'T. He faces the decision to walk away from his dream of just 'winning' one time and chasing a better paycheck and a stress free life. Then he pops in a CD that his daughter made for him- and she sings THIS SONG. The actress, Kerris Dorsey does a great job, but she alters the outro lyrics from the original song which go

I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back
Just enjoy the show

to her own version which goes:

You're such a loser, Dad
You're such a loser, Dad
You're such a loser, Dad
Just enjoy the show

In pro sports, and sometimes life, there's no epithet worse than 'loser' However, in this context, it's not really an epithet at all. It's a term of endearment, a message of love from a daughter to her Dad, and more importantly from the filmmakers to us ...It doesn't matter if the Oakland A's didn't win the World Series. It didn't matter if Billy Beane was, and still is, a "loser" according to the traditional standard. He's a WINNER because he raged against the machine. Billy fought the good fight and because his daughter loves him enough to sing him a song, and tease him, he has won in the end.

Take a look at your own life. There are probably things you wish could go better or decisions you've made that led to some crappy situations, or some downright defeats. I'm constantly reminded how much I've failed in so many aspects of my life, but you know what? I'm reminded that none of that matters when I tweet that I'm having a crappy day, and I get 20 concerned phone calls before the end of the afternoon, or I throw a birthday party and folk come out and party with me and make me feel like the man of the year. You're not going to 'win' them all. No one does.
However if you do what you feel is right, and you put forth a solid effort, you work hard, and you recognize your TRUE victories, you'll always be a winner. Apply this to your own life.

You too can 'win' the unfair game.

Kerris Dorsey's version of the show. It's SO adorable. (The actual song begins around 2:25 after the trailer)

Fuck YOU, Winnie Cooper!

2011-11-08T23:50:00.000-05:00

Thank you cosmic superpowers for Netflix.
Why?

Because NETFLIX has 'The Wonder Years'

This show helped illustrate what life was kinda like to a young Tescadero. As I sat there watching the show that gave birth to 'Boy Meets World', watching the young Kevin Arnold go through those awkward teenage years, I walked down my own memory lane all whilst being serenaded by some of the best songs of the 1960's. (And arguably the best soundtrack a television show has ever put together. I forgot how much I loved this show.)

Allow me to digress for a second in case you've never SEEN The Wonder Years. This show transcended a normal coming of age story. It perfectly depicted those awkward teenage times when you're trying to discover what kind of adult you're gonna be. For example here’s the narrator (adult Kevin Arnold) at the close of the first episode, right after Kevin and Winnie have their first kiss:

"It was the first kiss for both of us. We never really talked about it afterward, but I think about the events of that day again and again, and somehow I know that Winnie does too. Whenever some blowhard starts talking about the anonymity of the suburbs, or the mindlessness of the TV generation. Because we know that inside each one of those identical boxes, with its Dodge parked out front, and its white bread on the table, and its TV set glowing blue in the falling dusk, there were people with stories. There were families bound together in the pain and the struggle of love. There were moments that made us cry with laughter. And there were moments, like that one, of sorrow and wonder."

That's not television, that is literature. That is poetry.

When you watch these two kids nervously touch lips for the first time, you get a weird sense of nostalgia. You probably weren't a kid in the 60's, hell you probably weren't the age they were portraying- but you'll feel like you were. This is a testament to the show’s endurance, to its deep resonance in American pop culture.

...and then I remembered why I hate Winnie Cooper. For those of you that don't remember- Winnie was the girl of Kevin's dreams. His first love, his high school sweetheart. All of that. This hatred probably should have went away, but now, looking back and watching the show with adult eyes... nope- I STILL hate her.

It seems the only difference between my hatred for her then, and my hatred for her now is- as a kid I was frustrated for Kevin's sake. I sat there with him every week as she pulled him through that yo-yo garbage disposal she calls her feelings. You know what I'm talking about- she doesn't want to be with him, but she wants to talk to him everyday, she wants to be his female best friend, she wants to be around him everyday, and she wants him to be fine with all of that.

I sit here now and hate her for what she represents. She represents ALL WOMEN that don't know what they want, yet manipulate their talons into one guy while she shops through numerous other men, erring and experimenting in pursuit of what she IS looking for. Because she figures as long as she's verbally honest, she's not doing anything wrong. So sure, she can tell you all about why YOU aren't good enough, and usually these reasons are really dumb. (i.e. I just was told by a girl two weeks ago, that I would be perfect for her, and she beats herself up that she isn't giving us a fair chance- but she hates the way I dress)

Oh yes, Ms. Cooper, I am not fooled by your obvious girl next door, plain, inexpressive personality. You are the devil. Pure evil incarnate. When you wanted a bad guy, Kevin was nice. Kevin grew into a bit of a dick, and suddenly your flavor was nice guys. You just couldn't make up your mind could you?
Let's not mention that whole period where everyone in town knew your panties were in a bunch for Kevin but you STILL wouldn't give him any affection. Your only explanation was, (and I quote): "I like you, Kevin...but I don't...but I do!" WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!Ugh.

Death to the Winnie Coopers of the world.

Chasing the elusive 'Mother'

2011-09-28T21:28:00.000-04:00

So I've been on and off watching this little popular show called, "How I Met Your Mother" I fell in love with the pilot, then the first season, followed by the second and third, all while realizing: As a writer, and comic book fiend, (which means that I'm a continuity Nazi) I believe this show was doomed from the first episode. Let me take a moment to explain.
(Ignore this next paragraph if you've watched the show)

The show is about the main character, Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor) with narration by Bob Saget, who in the year 2030 recounts to his (pre or early teen- it's never identified) son and daughter the events that led to his meeting their mother, which explains the title and allows for a narration in the past tense. How I Met Your Mother follows Ted alongside his friends Lily (Alyson Hannigan), Marshall (Jason Segel), Robin (Cobie Smulders), and Barney (Neil Patrick Harris). The pilot opens with Ted sitting his daughter and son down to tell them the (long version) story of how he met their mother. The scene flashes back to 2005 and the story goes forth from there introducing several women Ted dates that teaches him something that will affect his future, all while keeping who the woman he will marry and have two children with (or as fans call her, the Mother) a secret. Which, with the addition of Neil Patrick Harris' breakout character, has been the main attraction to the show.

So, we are now three episodes into season 7, and Ted has once again bumped into a major girlfriend from season 1. The baker Victoria. Which led into some slight foreshadowing over the upcoming love triangle between Robin, Barney and Ted. I personally loved this character since her debut in Drumroll Please but it got me thinking. They really have to wrap this show up soon because if the kids are about 15 in the pilot, that means he had the kids in 2015, and knowing Ted, he probably is already married to her before he has children with her. Then it hit me. It became obvious who the Mother might be, and I'll gladly share my theory with you. Let's start out with the FACTS that Ted has revealed about the Mother. (Note: It's also been shown that future Ted is probably an unreliable narrator, he's smudged a couple things for the sake of his children's ears i.e. marijuana use and sexual acts.)

Ted definitely meets the mother in New York. (Lucky Penny)
Ted has NOT met the Mother yet. He tells his children that when he did meet her he called her right away. [that same night] (Three Days Rule) He has not yet done so with any woman shown. He also reveals to his children that the Mother laughed when he told his 'shellfish-selfish' joke. No other woman has done that. (Double Date)
The Mother is in college as of 2009. (Season 4) In the episode Definitions, Ted is teaching his first class at Columbia University and he reveals to his children that he is not only in the wrong classroom, (he was in the Economics class) but the Mother was in that class.
While teaching at Columbia, Ted briefly dates a student named Cindy. Cindy is the Mother's roommate. (Girls Versus Suits) In the same episode, it's revealed that the Mother is into a lot of the tings Ted is into. Ted also catches a glimpse of her heel as she runs into her bedroom.
Future Ted reveals he is the best man at a wedding, and he finally meets the Mother at that wedding. (Big Days) Later, in Challenge Accepted it is revealed that the wedding is Barney's.
Ted has already married and had his two children by 2021. This is revealed in Garbage Island when he runs into Wendy the waitress and tells her so. This is further supported several episodes later in The Exploding Meatball Sub when 2021 is shown again, Ted is wearing a wedding ring.

There are plenty of other factors we could talk about, i.e. the yellow umbrella, but in my opinion, it's all filler. These are definite.

This leads to my theory. The Mother is Barney's half sister, Carly Whittaker. She has never been shown, and she has only been mentioned. (Legendaddy) In fact, the only thing they've revealed about her is that she's in college.

But I base my theories on:

She's in college. (I just said that.)
Since she's Barney's sister, she'll probably be at his wedding.
Barney has absolutely no reservations with flirting with and attempting to sleep with Ted's sister, (even though it goes against his own 'Bro Code: Article 3') Heather, so it's probably the same vice versa. (Little Minnesota)
Future Ted also frequently refers to his friends as 'aunt' or 'uncle' when he mentions them to his kids. Barney frequently refers to Ted as his best friend, and claims that he is Ted's to which Ted has repeatedly denied, and said Marshall is his best friend. A guy referring to his best friend to his children as 'uncle' is normal- a lot of men refer to their best friends do it. Since Lily is Marshall's wife, this would sort of explain her referral as 'Aunt Lily'. If Carly is the Mother, then Barney's 'uncle' title would be literal. So would Robin's if she winds up marrying Barney- but that's another conversation.
Usually, in a mystery- the culprit is the character that has been mentioned but not shown frequently. most writers don't mention a character unless that character becomes essential to the story at some point. It's a waste of time to do so if the character has no place. Example. A character in a story may have a living mother, BUT her name probably won't be mentioned if she isn't going to have a place in the tale later on. Think about it. Even though she wasn't shown, they went out of their way to reveal Barney DOES have a half-sister, and she IS off in college. Even though it really had nothing to do with what was going on. (again, see: Legendaddy)
It's sort of implied that the kid's mother is a brunette, in the episode Shelter Island It's revealed what his children would've looked like with a blonde mother. (or rather with Stella) Since Carly's brother J.J. has brown hair, (again, see: Legendaddy) odds are Carly will also have brown hair.

Anyway, that's my theory- and until further hints drop- that's what I'm sticking to. Sorry I'm so long winded. Feel free to comment and call me an idiot.

Were (We're) with Friends -Part 3: Perspicacity

2011-09-23T02:53:00.002-04:00

continued from Part 2: Quandary (<---clicky)

Finally.
So we've established that you've been 'zoned' and you tried to escape that dreadful area to no avail. It's simply time to pick another target. But not so fast! Don't cut that girl off! Only inexperienced and small minded guys freak out because they've been sent to the zone. Maybe because they feel it's so closely tied to rejection. Regardless, there are benefits to keeping the girl around. Believe it or not there are some really good benefits to being in the friend zone. Don't believe me? I'll show you. In fact, to make this interesting- I'll compare each benefit with a TV platonic male/female relationship that illustrate my point. Now, without further ado- Let's get on with it:

1.) No other guys will take advantage of being there with you. (Jerry Seinfeld and Elaine Benes)

...and by being there, I mean the friend zone. Think about it. Most women aren't gonna have more than one guy occupying the coveted 'main guy friend' spot. They usually aren't looking for one, and no other guys ever take advantage of it. Sure, she'll have male friends, but you need to be that main one. The guy who she tells what turns her on and all her embarrassing details. With no other guys around, it becomes much easier for you to reap the other following rewards of being in the zone. See, most guys can't deal with rejection and cut off all ties with the girl that rejects them. Unless she's a scandalous, selfish, skank, this is stupid. Sure, getting turned down isn't any fun, but if you're confident in yourself and don't take everything personally, you'll be seen as far more attractive than most guys. Trust me. The poontang will come rolling in.

2.) There's the possibility of being more... (Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy)

The possibility of becoming more than a friend is the main and most obvious reason why guys stay in the friend zone with girls. You two exist in a little world where everyone wonders if you two are sleeping with each other. But you're not, even though you interact like an old married couple. She knows that, her friends know that, your friends know that. Don't try to hide it. Now, when it comes to women that have strong will, this possibility of 'being more' is never going to become reality. However, if you know what you're doing and you play your cards right, you can turn things around in your favor. Mind you, you really shouldn't be trying 'turn things around' if you're secretly in love with her. If you chose to stay in the friend zone for this reason, you're probably going to suffocate the girl with your affection- then you're gonna try too hard, which will reveal you to be a needy and pathetic waste of time. The possibility of 'something more' may be the safest when it's just sex. However realistically, it works the best when you two are simply just friends with a possibility- an non pursued possibility.

3.) Building your confidence. (Chandler Bing and Monica Geller-before they slept together.)

Being in the friend zone also means that by becoming friends with more girls, you'll be able to improve your confidence and comfort level around them. This is extremely helpful if you don't have very much experience and want to be more relaxed and natural around them. This will unwittingly prepare you for future dates with other women. Spending time around other girls, makes being on a date a lot more natural, aside from trying to sleep with the new girl, it'll kinda be like hanging with your friend- which equals a less stressful time for you.
The only foreseeable downside to becoming comfortable around girls is when you become too comfortable being around girls, you may soften up and change for the worse. Even worse, you may become that guy that she tells all her softie lady stuff too. To avoid making this mistake, make sure you are yourself around girls and don't change yourself to fit in with them. NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY.

4.) Opportunities to meet new women. (Ted Mosby and Robin Sherbatsky)

This one is for all you opportunists out there. Being in this position gives you new opportunities to meet new women. Double points if they're her friends. If you are outgoing enough you'll end up meeting friends of the girl who friend zoned you, which can grow your pool of dating prospects. This will make it easier for you to bounce back and recover after being put in the friend zone. The more often you find yourself in the friend zone, the more opportunities you'll find to meet new women. This will help speed up the process of finding the right girl for you. Girls are really good at tracking and hunting down future prospects. Think of them as a dog on a duck hunt. Remember it's the female lions that hunt...and when you got a good lady friend in your corner, hunt. they. shall.

5.) Free Advice from a Woman's Perspective (Michael Scott and Pam Beesly [Halpert])

This is the last and arguably the most beneficial reason. If you can manage to stay in the friend zone with the girl without shuffling her off to the limbo of insignificance then you'll have a reliable source of free dating and relationship advice as long as she's around. This will definitely come in handy when you need to work through some issues with future prospects, and it's A) not as embarrassing talking to her as opposed to your male friends; and B) her advice probably won't be as idiotic as his may. So take advantage of this kind of advice if you ever need it.

And there you have it. Hopefully I've done my part in the male community and helped my brothers out there. If I haven't, oh well. You were probably destined for failure from the beginning. Happy hunting!

Were (we're) With Friends -Part 2: Quandary

2011-08-31T09:23:00.000-04:00

continued from: Part 1: Malaise

OK! you've read Part 1 and you're now aware of what's going on. Hopefully. Now you're thinking, "Damn. Do I have a chance?" Um. Yes.

See the thing is- for MOST men- I'll say 83% of them, (made up statistic) the friend zone simply means that they done GOOFED. You had a chance in the beginning, but you did something. Somewhere along the way, you fucked up by saying something or doing something. Whatever you did, you're now here, and you want to get out. Most people will tell you that it's a complicated process and there's all these steps and you have to do this, and that and the third. Totally untrue. Well... maybe not. But I've really thought about this and I think I've simplified this as much as it can be.

STEP 1: ACCEPT THE STATUS OF THE SITUATION.
aka You ARE her friend. Deal with it.

It's like this. She's made a conscious decision NOT to be with you, and no amount of persuading or rather, begging and pleading is going to change her mind. Well, maybe it will- but rarely it does. If you beg or plead with her then you only look soft in her eyes and whiny. None of those attributes are going to help you. You should respond as stoically as you can, because if you respond by acting hostile or depressed it will ALWAYS work against you. If you take the rejection personally she'll most likely see it that you DO believe you're not good enough for her, or better yet: a total lack of confidence. That thought almost always equals: Unattractive.

Instead, try spending a little time figuring out why she put you there in the first place. Get out of your feelings and realize that a LOT of the time women do this shit and it has very little to do with you.

She could be:

too busy with her personal life to deal with a relationship right now
recovering from a prior relationship (Very Common)
she has commitment issues (which, in way- she's doing you a favor)
recovering from some mental shit (laugh if you want- there's some crazy bitches out there)

You could take advice from your friend- which most of us do. (Silly us) and this usually results in cutting off all communication with the girl which really makes no sense because:

You're never gonna have another chance with this broad.
You just gave her power over YOUR emotions. (I'm anti THAT no matter the situation)
You're GOING to look childish AND immature

So seriously. Kick back- put your feet and enjoy the friend zone.

Because if you pimp this shit right, you can walk away with some very promising rewards. (See Part 3: Perspicacity)

STEP 2: BUILD SOME SYMMETRY

aka It's time for equal opportunity

When she puts you in the friend zone she has officially passed you up and is now open for business from other guys. This is where you do the same thing with other women. If you're so foolishly in love with this chick that you can't be with any other woman, then you better damn pretend and be convincing. This maneuver shows her that you don't think she's too good for you, she's NOT that special, and you aren't infatuated with her. (Even though you think you are. wink wink) If other women will happily date you, then natural law says she's gonna become interested in you- she probably won't beat down your door but she'll definitely show a greater interest in you than she did before you put her on the reserve list.

If you want my honest opinion (and you probably do, since you're reading this) you should never EVER put all your eggs in one basket, so work social circles. Your friends have friends and they have friends of their own. In one of these circles is a suitable collection of 'variables' (other women) that can be used to draw the attention of the Girl A (friend zone Sally). Date them. Level the playing field. If you notice that Girl A has taken a sudden interest in you, now it's time to really show her that you've taken her suggestion to be friends to heart. Ask her out on a non-date. Let her accompany you somewhere that can be seen as a date to others but not to her. Book store trips, and shopping for clothes are tactics I've used before successfully. It's all in how you play your cards. But don't over do this because you may dig yourself too deep in this area. Oh, and if you two do talk about other people- the variables you both are seeing- keep it light. (Light enough to show that you're interested in conversing and spending time with her, but you don't wanna be her confidant.) Also try playfully flirting with her. Shit talking. Purposefully place no actual validity in what you're saying because 'your attention is actually on your variables'- the key here is to just build a comfort zone. If she flirts back then you've established a comfort zone/fair game, son.

Once you have established fair game then there's only one thing left to do.

STEP 3: THE KILL SHOT

Make your move, Chief

OK. Here's the thing. Hopefully you aren't sensitive and you didn't go home crying because she rejected you the first time. Because in order to get out of the friend zone, you're going to have to make the first move. (again) She won't. She will not. Trust me. I'm comfortable enough in writing this to say 100% (another bullshit, but dangerously accurate statistic) of the time she will standby and let you fail if you miss the opportunity. You want an ommelette? You gotta break some eggs, homie. However she will give you hints that it's okay to make this move. Open the door. Opportunity's on your porch. But play it cool, guy. If she finds out that your variables weren't legitimate threats, then you're screwed.

Now, if you followed step 1 and two correctly, then you've shown her that you won't get hostile or upset if she rejects you again and you have other options. But here's what she won't factor in. You have the odds stacked in your favor now. I am not saying that you're guaranteed to succeed. I'm saying that you should.

However...if she puts you in the friend zone AGAIN, then don't sweat it because you now have other dating prospects and can move on without skipping a beat.

and... If you did put all your eggs in one basket with this one and you did fail again... well, I can only hope that you somehow get the fuck over it and STOP PURSUING HER. You'll come off as needy, pathetic and probably creepy. her ending up with you only works on TV.

Now if you've been rejected again and you're okay- and you're over her- then I think it's time to move on to part three...

Part THREE (<----click)

'Elegy' for my Love... (A long dead chick I would've dated.)

2011-08-16T03:15:00.000-04:00

Dorthy Rothschild. aka the infamous Dorothy Parker. Where do I begin? What can I say about her that wasn't probably scrawled on men's bathroom stalls back in her day? Not as if she cared, not when she would go on to say: "I don't care what is written about me, so long as it isn't true."

Never heard of her? Well, she was a legendary member of New York's literary scene. Known for her biting wit and cruel humor, Parker rose to acclaim for her literary work in such venues as The New Yorker, Vogue, and Vanity Fair. She was also a founding member of the Algonquin Round Table. Maybe you're familiar with this group if you saw Alan Rudolph's film Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle (1994), starring Jennifer Jason Leigh, Campbell Scott, and Matthew Broderick. After the breakup of the circle, Parker traveled to Hollywood to pursue screenwriting. She succeeded there, winning two Academy Award nominations.

However, Mrs. Parker wasn't without her dark days. She came from a conflicted, and very unhappy childhood. She went through three marriages (two with the same man) and was involved with 'certain politics' that would result in being blacklisted. Add on her bout with depression and surviving several suicide attempts, all while growing increasingly dependent on alcohol. As much as she wanted to be taken seriously, and actually author a full novel, Mrs. Parker never really escaped her reputation as a jokester, even after proving to be a prolific writer of short stories, dramatic criticism, articles, war reporting, political essays, song lyrics, and screenplays, dramas and verse. Once, because she was unable to admit to failure, she chose what she felt was the only solution that a writer could resolve her writer's block Then impulsively swallowed a bottle of shoe polish. Perhaps it's easier to understand her actions and drive for writing when it's revealed that she was a huge fan of Oscar Wilde. She once said in Life magazine when reviewing Wilde,

If with the literate I am
Impelled to try an epigram,
I never seek to take the credit;
We all assume that Oscar said it.

She was blunt and honest, she never lost sight of what she was born to do. When asked why she became a writer, she quickly and nonchalantly replied, "Need of money, dear" After all, writing is a business. She would later identify the "two most beautiful words in the English language" as "check enclosed" She had an open contempt for the pretentious (even when she exhibited it) and blatantly disliked writers who put on airs. She hated that some authors would misuse and rape 'creativitity' stating, the "function of a writer is to write." In her eyes, a writer was no more than any other craftsman or worker.

Her reputation as one of (if not THE) wittiest woman of the twentieth century was founded on simple snarky quotes and agile, tart one liners. Once while playing a word game where she was tasked to use the word 'horticulture' she responded, "You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think" How about a short verse, learning from experience no doubt,

(Unfortunate Experience first printed in Life, April 8th 1926)
By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying-
Lady make a note of this:
One of you is lying.

She was not shy with her image either:

I'd like to have a Martini
Two at the very most.
After three, I'm under the table
After four, I'm under my host.

She would later in her life write book reviews for Esquire, and put down her days with the Round Circle. She would eventually die in 1967 from a heart attack. In her will she bequeathed all of her assets to the Martin Luther King, Jr. foundation. When he died, her estate was passed on to the NAACP. However due to various negligence and personal obstacles, they were not able to claim her ashes until 1988m where they buried her and designed a memorial for her outside their Baltimore, MD headquarters. The plaque at the site reads:

"Here lie the ashes of Dorothy Parker (1893–1967) humorist, writer, critic. Defender of human and civil rights. For her epitaph she suggested, 'Excuse my dust'. This memorial garden is dedicated to her noble spirit which celebrated the oneness of humankind and to the bonds of everlasting friendship between black and Jewish people. Dedicated by the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. October 28, 1988"

Dorothy's legacy has remained notorious, and she has been portrayed several times in film and television and served as the inspiration of several fictional characters in plays. In 1987, Prince paid homage to her by writing a song called, "The Ballad of Dorothy Parker: which is on his 'Sign O' the Times' album.

In closing I hope you can see why I'd date this powerful woman. I hope you check out some of her writing- it could be argued that she is partly responsible for women being respected and admired in the world of Hollywood and modern literature. Even at her sweetest, because several people admitted she had impeccable manners- this woman was not afraid to express herself. She was a limited edition kinda girl, meaning there's nobody like her, and there probably never will be. Maybe you're not impressed, but I ask you this: Are you picturing this is a woman who was saying and doing all of these things in a time where women were rather seen and not heard (unless you were a star) a woman who like most women was once expected to try and please everyone, and soft pedal her opinions to suit what others wanted to hear.

Wanna know what Dorothy said to that?

But now I know the things I know,
And do the things I do;
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you!

Suggested Reading:

"The Portable Dorothy Parker" PRODUCT SEARCH HER CLICKETY-CLICK

She Lives in My Lap: Don't Leave, Don't Stay

2011-06-04T17:59:00.119-04:00

My latest assignment for my color theory class was to take a piece of music, and interpret it through a picture. I can use any medium, paint-colored pencils, and so forth.

After pondering which song out of my massive iTunes library I would choose, The big homie E_Weezy suggested I pick one of our favorite songs: OutKast's She Lives in My Lap (feat. Rosario Dawson) from the album, Speakerboxxx/The Love Below

For those unfamiliar with this record, you must have been living under a rock, or non-existant in 2003-2004. Upon it's September 2003 release, it only went on to sell about 11 MILLION copies, be nominated for six Grammy awards, winning Album of the Year, (the 2nd hip-hop album EVER to do this-[IMO the first, because The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill was NOT a hip-hop album])

Anyway, the album was a double disc deal- Speakerboxx being the solo project of Big Boi, which is the usual awesome OutKast flavored southern hip-hop you can expect. The Love Below is the solo project of André 3000 which surprisingly took a note from Q-Tip and covered soul, pop, funk and jazz. The whole album is an opera-like tale of self-discovery, love, and growth...but let's move on to the song, She Lives In My Lap and MY interpretation of it. I also want to add, that besides my love for this track, another reason I jumped at this opportunity was because I've heard SO many people give bullcrap explanations to the meaning of this song, especially since Idlewild was released and they play the track in the film as he (André 3000) holds his dead lover in an urn in his lap. The song is NOT about a dead woman.

First thing let's point out that this particular track is GREATLY influenced by Prince's She's Always In My Hair (B-Side of Raspberry Beret, although you're more likely to find it on Disc 3 of his greatest hits CD- HERE) Also, take note the song BEFORE this one is Prototype, a ballad that describes how he desires the girl he just met in the track before, (Spread) to be his perfect mate. The song AFTER, is Hey Ya! A song that's manly about being 'logical' and thinking about what happens in relationships. André decides that the best thing to do to avoid unpleasant emotions and situations, is to be detached. It's sorta hedonistic- because he's being honest about basic urges and seeking freedom from manipulation and dependency. He goes on to acknowledge the fact that love and emotions fade, and it is impractical to stick together when happiness is gone. That is why people should just enjoy one another and not complicate things. ...or at least that's how he sees it.

So now we move to She Lives In My Lap

If you haven't figured it out by now, you you have to listen to it in context with the rest of The Love Below. Contrary to popular belief, the girl in question is not a booty call/jump off. It's way more complicated than this.

"She Lives In My Lap." doesn't refer to his legs, as many of the sheeple of America have inferred it, because everybody takes things at face value nowadays. Dig deeper. In fact, he actually means lap as in a 'track lap' or as in a circle, or a cycle. He has this girl spinning around and around going in HIS cycle. His cycle of bullshit. She's not going anywhere (for now) She will nag and fight for her love, (or as I implied earlier, She's always in his hair) The song is about loving someone, but being too afraid to commit to them. It's a battle between his heart (love) and his head (insecurities). Everything Rosario Dawson says gives it away. Let's review these lyrics.

[Intro: Rosario Dawson]
[laughter]
What's wrong? What are you afraid of?
The Love Below

"What are you afraid of?" Then it's followed by "The Love Below" which means in this context a deeper love.

[Verse 1:]
She stays alone, never sheds a single tear
She stays in the coolest moods, clearly woman of the year
She and all her girlfriends, they go out dressed to win
She comes back to the cooler side of town
but she lives in my lap

So, if you listen to the entire album, you'll know that the "cooler side of town" is actually a metaphor for himself. (He calls himself "Ice Cold") So the line implies she's coming to see him. The first verse is discussing how strong she is, how powerful and independent she is. She and all her girlfriends are phenomenal women. Yet, through all of this, she STILL comes back to him. She can't shake him. She's woman of the year, but can't get out of his lap/cycle/circle.

[Chorus:]
She lives in my lap
Forever my fiance
She lives in my lap
Don't leave, don't stay.
She lives in my lap
I'll get the courage one day

Forever my fiance. Forever the one I COULD possibly settle down with, IF I get the courage. Don't leave (I love you), Don't stay (I can't commit).

Verse 2:]
Make me want you, make me miss you
make me wonder where you are, then forget you
Girl remind me, just who we are
We're oh so close, but yet so far

Here, he talks about how complicated the situation is. He loves her. He wants her. But his insecurities make him just want to forget all about her. They're so close, IF he could just get over himself and his insecurities.

Rosario:

Baby why are you acting like this?
I don't care about any of them...
I care about you!
Baby I Love you!

Everything she says is evidence of his insecurities. He's sabotaging this love. He's sabotaging his own feelings because he's insecure. Notice Rosario's muffled laughter is scattered through the track. It sounds faint and dream like because these are his insecurities screwing with him....which leads to the ad libs.

Now here's the part of the song that really highlights the point, and shows how he killed this relationship (which explains how it segues into Hey Ya!)

[Ad Libs scratched in by DJ]
I had a woman down for me...
Now I'm realizing that I love her?

The vital thing to realize here is A) What the guy in the Ad Libs is saying. You just read it. and B) WHERE those ad libs come from. If you don't know, they are from Geto Boy's My Mind's Playing Tricks On Me. The nail on the coffin with my mind vs heart argument.

The song is a clever way to admit the idiosyncrasies a lot of men have. I for myself am one. Countless times a woman has been ready and prepared to give me everything, yet I keep her in a cycle of bullshit, a prison really, that serves only one purpose- refraining from getting hurt. And that's what André is doing here. I told you the album was an opera- just think of it like this

Track Listing:

5. Spread- He meets some girl, for sake of story let's just say her name is Caroline (wait for it) He kicks some game to her and they immediately leave whatever venue they're at and submit to their hedonistic desires to sleep with each other.

6. Where Are My Panties (skit)- He blatantly admits here that he doesn't mind that she had sex with him on the first night- this highlights and leads into his childish infatuation...

7. Prototype- He is now deeply infatuated with this woman, however what's funny is he's still honest with saying "I think I'm in love again" ...but it's coming... because she's the prototype. When he finally is in love with her- he won't admit it. But he will realize that

8. She Lives in my Lap- BOOM.

9. Hey Ya!- Instead of manning up and running the risk of being hurt, and growing emotionally, he chooses to dismiss her as just someone he hooks up with. He then goes on to justify it by focusing only on her erotic traits, and questioning the point of love- when it doesn't last forever.

10. Roses- With all that being said, it's easy to assume that he and the woman are DONE. Like most men, he has now resorted to tarnishing her name and hating her because she left, and more importantly blaming the breakup on her and only her. He did nothing wrong and SHE's the villain. Caroline. [see what I did there?] (I'm really not sold on that idea, but it definitely fits with the operatic theme)

So there you have it. Below is the sketches for my art which is not finished, but you can get the idea after reading all that. I was just really eager to get this post up. You can see the finished work probably in a week on my Tumblr

Were (we're) With Friends -Part 1: Malaise

2011-05-18T12:04:00.000-04:00

Recently, I was attracted to this girl, and I kinda failed. Well, not really- because I didn't really put forth a solid effort- well, whatever. The point is, I ended up in that foul region of platonic hell that most guys dread.

THE FRIEND ZONE

First, let's recognize exactly what the 'friend zone' is. See, the way I've observed it- women aren't so black and white as we are, they can't do it anywhere and anytime as easily as we can because with them it usually comes with an onslaught of other dizzying and (to us) totally unnecessary emotions. So to most women, a male friend is the best of both worlds. She can get all the shoulder crying, strength, solid advice, concrete decision making, common sense (usually) and etc. without the web of hormonal problems that sex brings to the table. Men aren't usually strapped with the same mentally crippling thoughts that women are- in fact it's kinda the opposite. Guy likes girl, he wants to express his feelings between the sheets. Case closed.

In some cases- it seems like the female brain can't process that kind of rationale. Instead, they almost instantaneously segregates any man it meets into two categories. Either he's a lover, or a friend. (Now it's quite possible that one man can in the course of that relationship fulfill both roles, however this is usually the result of the male either breaking through the friend zone, or being demoted to the friend zone once it's revealed that he can't handle the former.) Once the woman has quarantined you over to the friend camp, it's all but impossible for her to see you in any other light. What makes it worse is how she kinda forces you to still act like the dicks she's currently "sexploiting"- YOU KNOW- paying for her meals, getting that thing she likes, lifting that heavy couch she just bought, all without the fringe benefit of tapping that ass.

A lot of guys foolishly believe that if they act like that great friend, or romantic counselor, they can "sneak past" the defenses into her heart, or at least their underwear. In my experience, this only works in movies and crazy women.
...and then there are times when your timing just fucking sucks. She just got out of a shitty relationship- or she's an emotional cripple or whatever. Either way, you're all liking her and shit and she's just looking to drown her sorrows and make some slutty decisions without blatantly being slutty. ...and you're too busy trying to be Prince Charming.

Whatever the case may be- it's my belief that if you get put into one, ABORT.
However, maybe you really and truly like this woman and you want to give it your all without being a psycho stalker who just can't take a hint. We have to first identify if you are in the friend zone. In this chapter of this topic, I will show you what I think are MY tell signs if you've been "ZONED" (as my friends call it)
(starting from the most obvious)

1. She be drooling over other guys.
Yeah, that's when you take her out and she casually mentions how cute the guy who poured her beer was, or she proudly states how the guy who goes in the back to get her shoe can give her a baby, or how the guy who counted her deposit at the bank makes her want to church faint...etc. etc.

2. When you hang out, she brings a third wheel.
So... you asked her out. You bragged to all your friends that you two were gonna kick it. SWEET. You go meet up with her, and Ohhhhhh...she's bringing her best friend... or her roommate....or her co-worker...

3. She doesn't touch you.
...and by this I mean, she doesn't casually slap your knee when she's laughing, she doesn't put her arm around you when posing for pictures, no contact whatsoever. Maybe she hugs you when she's leaving your presence, but that's it. She's not touching you, bro. You know what I'm talking 'bout.

4. She asks you for favors.
She got you helping her move, and lifting boxes and shit... she got you giving her rides... she got you letting her borrow money, and you're just an awesome buddy. Good lookin' out kid.

5. She keeps a weird distance in public.
Okay, so maybe she DID invite you to the bar she was at. But it's not your bad jokes that has her sitting at the table while you're on the dance floor...and speaking of your bad jokes...

6. She doesn't laugh at your corny/tasteless jokes
Usually girls that are into you give you sympathy chuckles when you're stinking up the car with your horrible Tosh.O impersonations, but all she's giving you is the cue to shut the fuck up.

7. She doesn't do anything you're interested in
Every time you suggest something, she tells you that it sounds cool, but she never actually participates in the activity. Something always comes up, or she it's too hard to figure out. In some cases, she may just straight up and down say she doesn't care for the activity. Either way, she ain't down.

8. She talks about other girls you should be interested in
If she's really trying to hook you up with her friend, then she's not concerned with taking you off the shelf herself. This also applies with her coaxing you to man up and talk to the girl that just walked past- or coaching you to prepare for the next girl that comes along.

9. There's no awkward moments... or sexual tension
You feel awkward because you 're nervous and you're hoping today is the day that you say something magical that will finally give you a tour of her baby factory. She barely even notices it. She mentions to you when she takes shits, and she probably picks her nose in front of you. It's all good, because she doesn't need to be sexy for YOU. You're her buddy!

10. She introduces you to others as: "This is my friend..."

Finally, the most obvious and sometimes vital clue. Like men, a lot of women approach that weird dating phase of new relationships the same way men do.Usually, when you're not sure what a person is, or when a person isn't that endearing to you it shows when you introduce them to others. Seriously. Look for it next time you're out and about. Notice how you may something like, "Hey Joe! This is Lisa. She works with me." with some folk, and "Hey Joe! This is my homegirl Kelly!" with others.
She blatantly labelled you as a friend to whoever she introduced you to. Unless she agreed with you prior that your affair would be secret, Game Over, bro. Game Over.

And that's pretty much it. (Well, at least from my perspective) If you're experiencing 2-3 of any combination of those, chances are you've been ZONED. But don't worry. It's not the end of the world. Now that you can recognize the signs, it's time to ditch that dead end and bounce to something new. However... maybe you're a stubborn SOB and you refuse to let this one go. Maybe she's got a snatch made of platinum. I don't know. Hopefully, that's your excuse. And if it is...then stay tuned for Chapter 2...

Amazing Tescadero #15 (...you never forget Gwen Stacy)

2011-02-24T13:55:00.000-05:00

I tweeted yesterday I was in a good mood today because "Gwen Stacy hit me up wanting to go out", it occurred to me that my non-comic fans have no clue the significance of that statement. Well. Here goes.

Some of you who know me well, you know that I've compared my life to Peter Parker more than once. (notice I didn't say Spider-Man) because it's Peter who I share SO many things with. Yeah, I've never swung through the Manhattan skyline on synthetic webs, but I have felt the sting of peer abuse, and mistreatment for being different. Usually this kind of unjust behavior came from other guys. I was the tiniest kid in the gym trying out for softball, I wanted to study physics in college, (Peter was also a scientist) I was an oddball being from another place in a new city, just a cluster fuck all the way around. The actual sting- the match that burned the worst, came from the women. Just like Peter- I got no love in the earlier part of my teenage years.

And just like Peter... I got a sudden surge of confidence- (although, mine didn't come from a radioactive spider.) Yet, just like Peter- I always felt it wasn't enough to get her. Now, I know what you guys are thinking- you're thinking- "You mean, Mary Jane Watson."

No. NOT AT ALL. Quick Spidey-history for all you that believe that trash that Hollywood shoveled down our throats in 2002. (Yes, The one that made all that money.) Peter didn't love Mary Jane with all his heart when he first met her. In fact, he couldn't stand the girl. She was a surprise blind date from his Aunt's best friend Mrs. Watson. Now it'd be a lie to say he wasn't blown away when he suddenly and very unintentionally met her- (C'mon. Anybody an old lady hooks you up with has to be a complete snooze- but boy was he surprised. Yeah, look to your left.) but Mary Jane was a party girl, always looking for the next big thing that she could be the center of. To a shy, modest, kid like Peter...

...Mary Jane wasn't a catch. She was a chore.

I'm talking about Gwen Stacy. Maybe you're asking, "Why haven't I ever heard that name?" "Oh, that girl from the third movie? The side piece?" I reply to you, keep reading. Gwen Stacy was the hot chick in Peter's freshman college class that all the guys stared at when she walked past. She was the hottie with a body, she seemed to have a social life that fit her looks. The bonus was, she was also pretty freakin' bright. She was a science major. Peter initially ignored her subtle- (and not so subtle) advances for two major reasons, one he had a sickly aunt to worry about, and two- he refused to believe she would want him.
But oh, was he wrong.

I, like Peter possibly did the same thing. I met my Gwen Stacy in high school. I pined after her in secret mostly, until it was revealed against my will that I adored her. She was the hottest girl in my class by far, and she was usually on the honor roll. Which, I can't say I've had the pleasure- but I had the brains to do it if I chose to. Additionally, I never had to dumb down my jokes for her, which meant she had a pretty sharp thinking cap.

The problem was, with this great body came the responsibility with it. Like Gwen, she got hit on constantly by the jocks, the pretty boys, and the 'thugs' (giggle) To a quiet, shy outcast like myself- it always looked like it didn't bother her at all. In fact, I thought that's the kind of guy she wanted. Basically, I summed up her never being mean or shunning to me- like Peter, as a girl who didn't want to hurt an innocent guy's feelings.

I remember reading Peter thinking the same same thing when Gwen got sick of being ignored and went on the occasional date with Flash Thompson. (the very guy who teased Peter all throughout high school. And the guy in the first picture of this blog entry picking on Peter.) My Gwen Stacy never dated anyone officially, but aside from her many hopeful suitors, she had a clique of far lesser attractive but heavily opinionated females that made my plight even worse. Their jeers and side looks killed any hope I thought I had.

Just when it became evident that Gwen and Peter would hook up, enter Mary Jane Watson. Yeah. An unintentional love triangle with a guy who didn't even realize two of the hottest girls in the city wanted little old HIM.
I also was coming into myself, starting to fill out physically, not giving a fuck about society, rebelling against authority, set to drop out of school, and shamelessly shagging all sorts of female trash that was embarrassed to admit publicly that I was plugging their orifices recklessly in private. Those women were my Mary Jane Watsons. Pretty girls with no sense of future, and no weight in our pointless relationships.

I let my Mary Jane get in the way of happiness just like ol' Peter did...

My Gwen blatantly told me in front of her clique of jealous cohorts not to think of her any differently when I saw her doing something that personally disgusts me. ...and I just stood there looking stupid with a random girl on my arm wondering what did it matter what I thought of her?

Hindsight is 20/20.

Unfortunately for Peter, Gwen was murdered by his arch nemesis (or possibly him-it's more tragic that way) almost immediately after they got over all their obstacles and became a legit couple. That's the breaks (no pun intended- read the story to get that, or stud the final blog picture) of life sometimes.

My Gwen Stacy died, well at least I thought- when I left to go serve in the military. I mean, really. Who goes back to their high school crushes?
I eventually moved on and found brand new girls to envision a future with. Because life goes on, and honestly I figured she'd meet some great guy and make beautiful children together that we'd all feel jealous of at the ten year reunion.

One girl in particular became my Mary Jane because she came very close to becoming Mrs. Tescadero. However unlike Peter, I never jumped that broom. Yet, just like Peter- she could never fill her shoes completely.

Peter's Mary Jane actually became Mrs. Parker- but you kinda know that story already, don't you? Although... Mary Jane had to grow up face a reality check first. (But that's another story that you can read on your own later.)

So after all that was said, we come back to the beginning- my Gwen Stacy hit me up today. She asked me if I wanted to hang out at a happy hour or something, and after talking to my female best friend- (who claims she knows for a fact that my Gwen has a thing for me) I think it's only fair to every guy who ever thought some girl was out of his league- and my fictional bro, Peter, to go balls to the wall for this one.

Although to be fair, for the sake of indulging the story to you guys- I ran into her about two ears ago in a bar and we totally got drunk and made out. But that was coincidence- and she went home to her live-in boyfriend afterwards. But isn't it funny? No matter how many Mary Jane Watsons or Felecia Hardys (Super sexy Spidey character- the Black Cat) that come into your life, despite how much you love them, you never really fall out of love with Gwen do you?

Even thinking about how she'd be with the hot guy from another school rich and pretty like she deserved, I always pictured there would be a part of me that wanted her when I attended that ten year reunion just because she was Gwen. Mary Jane taught us Peters how to care, and eventually sacrifice. Felecia taught us how to lust and pretty much everything else kinky and carnal- while Gwen-

...Gwen taught us how to love.

...And who knows? Maybe this will be the one that can make me hang up my whore chaps for good.

Wish me luck.

If you want to read more about Gwen Stacy: ( These are GREAT reads even if you aren't into comics.)

Check out:
"Spider-Man: BLUE" <-- click for amazon link

Written by Jeph Loeb, Art by Tim Sale A six issue story arc ('02-'03)- (now only sold in hardcover)

This is an awesome retelling of the events from The Amazing Spider-Man #43-48 and #63. It highlights the love triangle between Gwen Stacy, Mary Jane and Peter. Recounting Mary Jane's classic first appearance and the now iconic line, "Face it Tiger, You've just hit the Jackpot!"

AND...

Spider-Man: The Death of Gwen Stacy <-Amazon

Written by Gerry Conway, and Stan Lee. Art Gil Kane

This collection recounts Amazing Spider-Man #96-98 and #121-122 Three issues that showcase the beginning and cryptic soon-to be end of Peter and Gwen's relationship and the two issues of her murder by the hands of the Green Goblin, followed by Spider-Man's vengeance- and the Goblin's (apparent) death.

Which if you read this, you'll see how Hollywood raped you by destroying a solid story.

ALL OF THE LIGHTS...all of the lights...

2011-02-19T22:32:00.000-05:00

"All of the Lights" - Kanye West (My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy)

featuring: (No, seriously-) Rihanna, Kid Cudi, Tony Williams, The-Dream, Charlie Wilson, John Legend, Elly Jackson (La Roux), Alicia Keys, Elton John, Fergie, Ryan Leslie, Drake, Alvin Fields, and Ken Lewis

The music video was released today, kinda reminds me of everything Daft Punk and 'Enter the Void'

Gaspar Noe's - Enter the Void intro. ...What do you think?

I'm upset that this song is a single- which means it'll be overplayed and outdated in about a week. But when I heard it played on the radio I looked at the bright side, which was- anticipate the video.
I'm a tad upset. Don't get me wrong, I'm overall satisfied with the video even though you may get an epileptic seizure if you watch it more than once.

My problems lie in that it has too much 'HYPE' (that's a pun) ... I mean, must we see HIS name in lights as well? I know he's directed countless hot as fuck videos, but dude. It's Kanye and 15 other superstar's shine, not Hype. Let us know once, really fast. We get it.

...also I was looking forward to seeing more than just Cudi. ...I know it's far fetched to expect all those stars, but wouldn't it have been STELLAR?

Just think about how cool it would've been to see Fergie's ass in one of those ridiculous Will.i.am outfits with lasers firing in the background belting about doing "that line"
Elton John in his most colorful outfit and bedazzled shades with Alicia Keys going back and forth on dueling neon trimmed pianos/keyboards...
Wheelchair Jimmy fading in at half opacity to sing/talk "we're going all the way this time"
The Dream and Charlie Wilson in front of a Vegas Casino with the mandatory video sluts in slow motion...

Man. Total Awesomeness FAIL.

...you don't think so?

Finally...Rihanna. I can see how most dudes are pleased with the gratuitous eye candy, but I wasn't. Go far, far away woman. I'm just really tired of her. I thought it was just her voice that's monotone, but apparently her face is as well.

Yeah, I said it. I ain't afraid of you motherfuckers. Hate my opinion.

The Naked Man... #fail

2011-01-22T17:23:00.003-05:00

Ok. So I've explained to you what 'The Naked Man' is, right? Well, it's when you take advantage of a distraction in order to shed your clothing and surprise your date with nakedness in the hope of receiving sex by means of humor, pity, stupidity or sheer spontaneity.

So- last night held a little happy hour meet up function at McFadden's in Foggy Bottom. I invited a couple friends and family members, and amongst the invited was this girl who I was attracted to, but slam dunked me into the friend zone. Which I don't have a problem with, in fact I've been treating her like a bro ever since. So last night, I get ridiculously hammered, and after the happy hour was over, we (her and I) were supposed to me the rest of the guests at The Mighty Pint.

Unfortunately, that didn't work at all. But that didn't stop her and i from drinking...or so I think. The details are fuzzy. Anyway, after a random trip to McDonald's and some other food spot to settle the drunk munchies, we make it back to her car. She suggests that I crash at her place, and I don't know what the fuck I was thinking but I decided half assed that this would be THE perfect opportunity to perform 'The Naked Man' so I immediately strip when she left the room, got into my centerfold pose (the pose in the picture) and then...

...yeah. The downside to the naked man, is that only works 2/3 times.
I guess last night was the third time. I definitely woke up in the morning still naked, and she was fully clothed... with a belt on.

I wonder how I'm gonna face her next... LMAO

#FAIL #LULZ #SHAMELESS

Liquid Tescadero... and the Gooey Kablooie

2011-01-18T02:33:00.001-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, Liquid Tescadero has RETURNED.

Unfamiliar with just who 'Liquid' is?

Well, let me go back a bit. 'Liquid' is a reference to the video game Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes. The protagonist of the game, Solid Snake is pulled from retirement and forced back into participation in a top secret military conflict because his old unit has taken a military base hostage. The leader of Solid's old unit and the antagonist, in charge of the entire coup- is a mysterious shadowy figure also going by the code name Solid Snake. When you finally reach the end of the game, it's revealed that the antagonist is none other than the equally skilled, and up to this point unknown to the majority of the world, twin brother of Solid, Liquid Snake. ( Sounds cliche, but actually- it's beyond awesome.)

Anyways, a couple years back I was working at a bar on Capitol Hill where I'd foolishly, with the help of drunken nights, gotten involved in a sexual relationship with 3 different women simultaneously, and become the superstar of the rumor mill. It wasn't long before all three women suspected I was shagging them on a weekly basis. Of course, in the AMs I denied these preposterous accusations of sleeping around and acting a fool in nearby bars. It got so bad, one girl actually asked me- "Honestly, Tony...do you have a brother or something out there?- because people say they saw you, but I know you were home because we were on the phone!"

Exactly. As if mobile phones...aren't mobile. So Liquid Tescadero was born from THAT moment.

I thought I banished that demon to the nether regions, over the past couple years, but he reared his ugly head the other day by going on a three day bender, and hooking up with a random girl he met at the bar. Only to feed into her advances, go back to her place- and meet her live in boyfriend and his lacrosse buddies... or rather be chased down the road by them. It WAS not a happy meeting. Time will tell when the bastard will show up again, but I'll let you know definitely.

Now. I'm going to tell you this, and I'll know you read it here- because I WILL NOT repeat this out loud, EVER. Last Wednesday after I left the Moombahton Massive 2 party at U Street Music Hall, I'm walking down Florida Avenue- trying to powerwalk- because I really have to go pee and there's not a decent alley anywhere. Plus I'm totally exhausted, drunk and pumped from a full night of banging beats, slam dancing, and controlling the crowd- when a girl pulls up next to me and offers me a ride home. She mentions that she recognizes me from the Massive and asks me for the CD I was teasing the crowd with. I'm like sure, and we flirt about longer. I feel bad because at this point there was a girl I was trying to date- and I knew I was going to make out with this girl. So I did my customary "drop me off at the corner down the street from my place" (it's a maneuver, not what I said out loud.) ...it only took about thirty seconds before we're making out in her front seats. I'm feeling her up and I'm too busy fondling her nipple ring to stop her from roughly pulling on my dick...

...and me peeing on her.

Liquid: 1
Random black guy running out of screaming girl's car: ZERO.

A Festivus... for the rest of us!

2010-12-15T11:32:00.001-05:00

Because of my own demented upbringing, I don't celebrate Christmas. I haven't celebrated that foul 'holiday' since I was 14. I'll never celebrate it again. At first, I just embraced my inner grinch and stayed away from folk who decided to share their merriment with everyone. Then one day in 1997, I saw the answer.

It was in an episode of Seinfeld called, 'The Strike'
The answer was the very real holiday introduced in the episode: Festivus
Now, every year I try to get more and more folk to celebrate this wonderful holiday with me by explaining to them via a blog entry exactly how it's done. (That is, if they haven't seen the episode.) This is this year's explanation.

How to celebrate Festivus.
Level of difficulty: Low
Requirements: Friends/Family, An Alluminum Pole, holiday food, An athletic supporter (optional)

Festivus Dinner: Festivus is celebrated on the eve of December 23rd. The participants shall gather wherever the pole aluminum pole will be showcased, (the pole has no actual purpose, it's just a clever replacement for a Christmas tree) to partake in the Festivus dinner. A classic example of Festivus dinner spread is meatloaf or ham, with a cake decorated with M&M's. The less care put into it, the better.
The Airing of Grievances: Immediately after dinner is served, everyone takes turns lashing out at others and the world about how they have been dissapointed all year.
The Feats of Strength: The final tradition of Festivus, which takes place (during the dinner or immediately after it) The head of the household (or the host of the event) selects one person at the celebration, and challenges that person to a wrestling match. The person may decline the match however, tradition states Festivus is not over until the head of the household has been pinned in a wrestling match. Failing to pin the head of the household, results in Festivus continuing until the requirement is met.

That's it! Another tradition is the identifying of "Festivus Miracles" which some negative people have said is simply the labelling of easily explainable events.

...death to those guys. Hope you all celebrate!

They're coming... as fast as they can.

2010-12-14T01:57:00.001-05:00

I never understood the people that needed to be in a relationship. Like, needed the shit. You know, the people that get out of one relationship, and before you can blink are knee deep in the next one. That has always bugged me. It's almost as if in their rush to have someone love them, they forgot to be loved by the most important person in the equation: themselves.

How can you understand and want to be with someone else when you aren't even sure what it is that makes you tick? Do you know what your favorite book is? Do you know if you like to watch the leaves turn from green to autumn red in the solidarity of your favorite trail? Do you know if you like to simply cut on some Jack Johnson and sit on the shitter 40 minutes longer than you actually have to?

Nah. You don't... but I bet you know what several of your exes like to do, and what makes them happy.

I just don't understand that.
If you can't tolerate your own shortcomings- what makes you think you can tolerate someone else's?
Who said you had to be married and bearing child at 25?

It's my belief that a lot of folk have taken the desire to be happy, and be connected to someone, so far that they jump directly into the arms of the first person that appears to give a damn. Then they're all miserable when it doesn't work out. I get my share of shit talk because I've slept with X amount of women at my age, with not many major relationships but really, it's just as bad as you being 'in love' that many times at the same age. That's not the way it should be at all. The way I'm playing this game, I plan to be in love no more than 3 times. The love of my life, will be THE love of my life.
You shouldn't have to settle for something just because that's what's available. You deserve what fits you. If for no other reason than simply because you're investing the greatest currency you will ever own on this Earth. Your time. Spend it wisely.

Learn yourself, love yourself, then learn and love someone else. Take your time. It's not conceited to be sure of what you want and determined to get it. It's tenacious. Go for it. Stop giving 100% to everyone that comes along, because you won't have anything left for the right one. I personally don't believe in soulmates- (you know-that person born to be with you.) but I do believe that there's someone out there that will compliment ever color and style you showcase. Wait for them. They are coming as fast as they can.

...or at least, that's how I feel.

[clip from "How I Met Your Mother" Season 4, Episode 23- As Fast As She Can]

Hey Kim...WHY YOU SO MAD?

2010-11-26T17:26:00.024-05:00

Gone are the days where we could all laugh at the Bad Boy D-dot 'Mad Rapper' interludes...
oh wait. You don't know about The Mad Rapper?

...this is exactly my damn point. Let's go back a bit.
As usual, here's my disclaimer- THIS blog is about hip-hop, more specifically Lil' Kim & Nicki Minaj. So if you don't care for neither, or more importantly if you can't respect my opinion, Fuck off.)

Ok. So their 'disagreement' is blowing up news articles and websites everywhere. However, the common idea when you read these stories is that Lil' Kim is a washed-up femcee who is angry because she has to pass the crown to the younger and seemingly on top of the world Nicki Minaj. This is bullshit. It's not that at all.

Let's face facts. The most successful femcee technically is Missy Elliott. Her 'Under Construction' album supposedly pushed 2.1 million copies while Lil' Kim's Hard Core as far I can dig up only pushed 2. (Sure, Lauryn Hill's 'The Miseducation...' went 8 times platinum, but for the last time- that was NOT a rap album.) So WHAT makes Lil' Kim SO important??
What's the thing that sets Kim aside from all the other femcees BEFORE her?

Lil' Kim has more emulators than any other femcee EVER.

Nicki Minaj hit the scene a couple years ago and according to the legend, posted her rhymes on MySpace and slowly built her fan base. Finally, she was heard by Lil' Wayne and he made her a star. This is the typical rags to riches story for this digital generation. The same generation that BELIEVES the idea that if a wack emcee sells 9 million, he's better than the black fat emcee that sells 100K. (...see what I did there? If you don't: That's a Biggie line.) This internet age. Who, by the way are only impressed with 'punchline flow' or 'hashtag rap' and tales of an emcee's bank account. These are the same children and young adults who are confused when the media makes a big deal out of this debacle. According to them, Lil' Kim has "no good shit." She's never done anything of any importance." or "She only knows how to rhyme about dicks." The only Kim they know is appearing on 'Dancing with the Stars'-Kim, 'Spit a couple mediocre bars on a guest feature'-Kim, or 'Post plastic surgery- what happened to her?'-Kim, or... 'Needs to move on from Biggie's death'-Kim.

They know nothing of the 'black Erica Kane', 'The Big Momma, Queen B'. The femcee who coined this "Barbie" trend that Nicki and her Stans seem to enjoy SO much. (which, by the way- some of you MEN ought to be ashamed of your damn selves.)

Yeah- don't think I haven't noticed.
How can this generation NOT notice that most of Lil' Kim's male fans wanted to fuck her. (even Kanye, who dropped a Dreams of fuckin' Lil' Kim track NOT TOO long ago.) While, most of Nicki's male fans want to be her.

Oh.

What this internet generation don't understand is, this is more than the 'homage' that Kim claimed it was about back when this 'beef' was subliminal. She can claim that's what it is all she wants... but I feel it's MORE about what's due, and a little bit of Kim's feelings being hurt. This generation has already proven that their attention span is small as a gnat (see: BET and VIBE's recent hottest emcee's of all time list. If you're over the age of 25 you'll be disgusted.)

Nicki Minaj is like that person who comes and blatantly takes your seat when you got up to go to the restroom, or ate half the pizza you bought yesterday and attempts to take the last slice in the morning.That's why Kim is mad. Sure, it may seem petty to all of us... especially with my spur of the moment analogies, but that's how Kim feels. And YOU'D feel the same way too. You know that feeling... 'There were three other urinals available- you came and pissed directly in mine.' Some will argue, 'Oh, there's nothing new under the sun' and 'rap/hip-hop is built on dick riding and sampling' - however this generation takes the forgiving and allowing of those sayings way. too. far.

Think I'm lying?
Remember Ja Rule? He carved a name out for himself, had his one lane in the bowling alley that is mainstream hip-hop, and then 50 Cent came along and well, did pretty much the exact same fucking thing Ja Rule was doing. Then the same people that were buying Ja's shit ALL OF A SUDDEN felt that Ja was wack, his style was garbage, and then they ran and supported 50 and his imitation of Ja. Even the NOT so obvious. Look at Drake. (*ahem* aka Wheelchair Jimmy- google it) He's greatly Joe Budden inspired, (except he sings.) Lyrically, he can't fill Budden's shoes by far, but he DEFINITELY took a page from Budden and said let me feel SUPER BAD for broads on MY mixtapes. Now he's winning Grammys for it. ...and Budden? Well...ya'll never heard of HIS troubles. Even though they have a MILLION PLUS hits on YouTube. See: Closure-Ordinary Love Shit Part 3 (Fuck it. See ALL THREE parts.) But...let this generation explain Jimmy to you, and they'll say, "Nahhh Drake's emo he has feelings. He's deep." and then a true hip-hop head like me will say, "Have you not heard MOOD MUZIK 1-4??!! The shit is called MOOD Muzik!"

*sigh*
Consider this: when Lil' Mama came out with her femcee b-boy style ya'll bashed her. Willow Smith's drops her video, which is EVERYTHING of what Lil' Mama was doing, yet instead of laughing at her also, you guys thought it was the GREATEST.
Wtf? I guess this is the travesty I'm talking about. This generation will glorify whoever sits in better graces with the media- regardless whether it's good or bad media...

If someone's talking about them= they're hot.
"There's no such thing as bad publicity..."

Nicki came out of the gates a weird amalgam of Lil' Kim/Foxy. Hands down. (Hell, she even shares Foxy's heritage.) Go look at her old videos. She soon evolved into some weird Wayne/Drake/Kim combination with a dash of Da Brat. (Yeah, Da Brat. That's where those facial expressions and animated gyrations come from. Once again, this generation doesn't remember that Hard Core, was shitted on daily by chauvinistic, insecure male rappers, conservative media, and just about EVERYONE (except hip-hop news) especially the EXACT SAME media sources that now praise Nicki Minaj. KIM was shitted on daily by parents, pastors, politicians, EVERYONE was calling her every type of crazy, tacky, clownish, whore. (Which kinda reminds me Lisa Lopez's stance on the media...) They criticized her goofy outfits, and sex-fueled maniacal antics...
But NOW the shit is cool.
This is why Kim is mad! Kim did the work, Nicki swoops in and takes the glory. This is why these kind of things never came up with fellow femcees Eve, (Kim and Eve's beef was small- they patched up quite nicely not long after.) Rah Digga, Da Brat, Left Eye, Remy Ma, (Well, they had some quick words... but really- Remy beefs with everyone. She's a battle rapper.) Trina, Mia X... none of them...only Foxy Brown. Foxy Brown another Afro-Trinidadian half breed, who like Minaj also copied Kim's blueprint, all the way down to being on the arm of a hustler BK emcee. (Jay-Z, who *sidenote* himself openly admits he bites Biggie.)

See the trend here? (Let me help you- Ride the arm of a MADE MAN. Foxy=Jay Minaj=Wayne)

Hey! Are you ignoring the pictures posted all over this blog? We could bring up Kim's body work... Oh, but Nicki got body work too. Hmm. Nicki has a British accent/another persona on some of her tracks. Oh. Ya'll don't remember Kim's Jamaican accents or her split persona/time of the month 730 mode, 'Aunt Dot'? (see: The Notorious KIM)

So now- What are left with? Is it the realization that if folk got paid for biting styles, then most beefs wouldn't exist? Maybe. (Hell, if most rappers openly admitted they bit more than just lines, but entire character imitation, then beefs probably wouldn't exist.) Kim's entire persona was shoplifted from her and at this present moment, the culprit can outrap her in the spotlight. In an industry where there never has been, nor will there ever be two of the same gimmick, Kim opened the door- and Nicki's trying to lock her out. What the fuck. I don't condone violence or anything like that in hip-hop, but I do appreciate rap beefs. A true emcee can battle. So has been proven by KRS-One, Uncle L, Chuck D, and even Jay. (I had to throw someone in that THIS generation knows) This particular beef I appreciate greatly because it reminds these children and forgetful adults that hip-hop did not start in 2005, and Lil' Wayne and Drake definitely ARE NOT in the top ten of the greatest emcees. (shame on you, BET.)

The sad part is... it's hard to see this one having a happy ending, especially after hearing on Kim's diss track, Black Friday [1] "this the type of shit the other bitch almost got killed for." Yes, Kim went to jail for perjury, but don't forget it stemmed from an incident because of her Foxy Brown beef.

(...oh. this generation forgot that too. [2] )

I have to leave you with this. My favorite femcee of all time is MC Lyte. So take that, you Minaj stans. I'm not here to blow up Lil' Kim as a blind fan. I'm telling it like it is. It's not hate, it's truth.

So Kim. ...tell 'em why you mad, son!

Random listening for this generation who have no the real idea who Lil' Kim is:

Albums:
Hard Core- Lil' Kim, 1996

Conspiracy- Junior M.A.F.I.A., 1995

La Bella Mafia- Lil' Kim, 2003

Singles:
Money Talks- Lil' Kim feat. Timbaland, Lil' Cease, and Andrea Martin
1997 (Money Talks Soundtrack)

Features:
Another- The Notorious B.I.G., 1997 (Life After Death)
Quiet Storm [Remix]- Mobb Deep, 1999 (Murda Muzik)
Get Money [Remix]- Junior Mafia, 1995 (Conspiracy 12")
Will They Die 4 You- Mase, 1997 (Harlem World)

The final nail in the coffin... Kim never needed ass implants.

Oh. Just in case you thought I was lying about that 'Barbie' shit...here's a pre- "The Jumpoff" mention from '99. (There was another huge mention in Essence magazine in the 90's...but I can't find it) This song by Methods of Mayhem feat. Lil' Kim, George Clinton and Fred Durst. Peep what she calls herself in her verse...

[1] Lil' Kim's Response: Black Friday (to Nicki's 'Roman's Revenge')
[2] Lil' Kim and Fox Brown beef gets out of hand

I'm a mad MAD man

2010-11-17T17:39:00.002-05:00

Everyone knows that art imitates life. (or the other way around if you're Oscar Wilde.)

Far too often I've compared myself with certain fictional characters to paint a better picture of myself to others. Hell, the opening lines of my Google bio claims I'm Chandler Bing, and Barney Stinson. I am quite sardonic, able to offer a sarcastic comment at any given time over an actual appropriate response. I'm am known for my long and colorful sexual past, and the exploits and scandals in pursuit of sex. Both characters can represent my dominant fear of commitment... and slight hesitation of trusting the female race to exhibit any true exposure.

I like to think that at times I'm drenched in sinister wit which would explain my fascination with Mark Twain.
Unfortunately, I'm not as bright as Mark Twain. If I were, I wouldn't attract the caliber of women that I attract. I'd attract Dorthy Parkers.

I mean that in the literal, and the Prince ballad sense.

Recently, I've been watching the AMC television series, Mad Men. It is without a doubt amazing.
It starts off slow like most great TV shows- but eventually you realize the characters are pretty cool. (especially if you count the 1960's as one, because the era totally is.)

The protagonist of the series is Don Draper, played by Jon Hamm.
As I get older, I'm seeing I am totally Don Draper.
Draper is decent and chivalrous, or at least appears to be since he doesn't participate in the locker room style sex drenched conversations the other men on the show take part in. Draper is always put together- appearing 90% of the time in a modest slim gray suit. Draper has immaculate posture, and concrete composure under fire. It becomes obvious after watching the show for a while that all of his... not so glamorous qualities (his constant smoking, drinking and sporadic infidelity) are probably his way of dealing with inner turmoil.

Yeah. Tescadero totally does those things as well.
In fact, (and maybe because Draper is a serious character compared to Bing and Stinson) I see more of myself in Draper's actions than I do them. Yeah, Draper never shows a humorous side, and if he does it's a cryptic kind of comment or action towards someone. Draper also displays loyalty and discretion with people he considers friends (like keeping Sal's secret a secret.) He seems to develop strategies a lot, and even has a shady past. (Kind of reminiscent of The Great Gatsby, actually)

I've always been known as a guy who'll sleep around, and desire a plethora of women- without ever actually offering my heart to any of them. I have been, and constantly will be (despite my hostile attitude towards most of them) a solid vault. I'm pretty loyal... almost to the point where I question my own sanity for aligning myself with some of the fools I call friends. I may not smoke, but as a former bartending co-worker of mine said, I have a steel stomach. I'm a leader, (more so because I hate following) and often like Cyclops (from X-Men) my thought process is at its best in tense situations. I've discovered through life that the less time I have to think about a decision, the better that decision is.

I can go on and on, about Mr. Draper- and a couple other fictional characters, not because I'm into living fantasies- but rather mapping out my life- or how i may be later in life, through art... because it imitates life. Or something else... according to Wilde.

So, in other words- this had no actual point.

For Your Consideration...

2010-11-16T17:31:00.001-05:00

There used to be a time when real musicians existed.
Ok, that was harsh. But the 90's wasn't only the mecca for hip-hop- it was the era for some of the most unique expression ever in my opinion. It wasn't overly creative, or new- but it was definitely loving.

One of the most overlooked staples of the early nineties and the signature of the whole "Generation X" movement was a little pseudo documentary film called, "Reality Bites" By itself, the movie is GREAT. It's actually Ben Stiller's directorial debut. Anyway...

This song was the lead single of the film's soundtrack. "Stay (I Missed You.)" by Lisa Loeb [& Nine Stories] Enjoy. ...and after you're done, ask yourself have you heard anything recent this touching/simple?

Click Here to buy: "Reality Bites"

Random Malaise 001

2010-11-15T07:36:00.001-05:00

If I had to think of something I wanted for my birthday... ( 29 Nov.)

It'd be the "Back to the Future Trilogy" Blu-Ray. I'd like other shit. But c'mon... I'll be realistic. Can I just has this?
It really is one of my favorite movies for various reasons... so I'm not being sarcastic by placing this under "malaise" The actual reason this is here is because I'm sick of being the guy who lives a detached life, yet gets great gifts for folks-
...while I get crap... or nothing.

...so let's make it easy. And THAT'S sad.

Click here for other GREAT shit you can get me. (Shameless, right?)

You will fail here...

2010-09-30T22:45:00.002-04:00

POWERFUL!

This is one of my favorite speeches to listen/read whenever I need that little push...or whatever. I hope you take from it everything I did.

30 Days, 30 Letters- Day 28: Someone That Changed Your Life

2010-08-23T02:36:00.003-04:00

Well, the funny thing is you probably don't even know why you're the topic of this letter.
Ya see, I think there's a small part of you that displays this whole master (me)/ protégé (you)... and maybe I am.
However, I'd be lying if I said you haven't helped me too.

When I met you I was a bit... hostile.
I was trying to find some type of purpose for this mess of a life I've drawn for myself. I was a battered soldier, sleepless- haunted by dreams of dead enemies, and torn because a certain girl that promised me forever ran off with some other guy. Not to mention I couldn't feel anything.

Then.
I met you... which was okay. Especially seeing how I had no intention other than to use you for the free rides to and from work. But then I discovered your odd naivete... which piqued my curiosity... but more than that, it brought out a calming demeanor. Why? Because your interest in my conquests helped me envision you doing the same shit- out of some bizarre awe... only to discover that there's more pain involved in mindless sex than glory. That's the last thing I needed: some kid living vicariously through me and driving his life down the shitter as a result.

So.
I've since abandoned the why I started speaking to you campaign, and we've had our own adventures.
Maybe that means nothing...or it seems small, but then I think about what could have happened.
Well, I could have- and probably would have gotten into that fight outside with that dork. Same thing for sleeping with that really slutty girl that worked with us- and ended up with drama, a disease, or worse, (hypothetically) a rape charge. Or... I could have done like I wanted and turned that guy's house into a crime scene when he attempted to steal my iPod. ...however, I could not, because you were there to prevent that. Let's not forget how your rather, cheesy, sappy ass treating of your paramours has somehow imprinted into me. Oh, you haven't noticed? Yeah, rumor has it- I have a girlfriend now. I haven't had one of those in a long time...and the only thing that's changed for me is my age, my belt size ... oh and like I said. You. Don't feel bad. Nobody else has put that together either. Well... maybe one, but he's always been blessed with the gift of foresight. I mean he did save my life.

...nevertheless. There you have it. I've brought you into the inner workings of me, and I feel as though you fit perfectly. You were the first of a line of people I began to trust... and I'm fine with that. It turns out... I don't have to be the duplicitous, gloomy and hidden person I was.
If you need another example, we can bring up how I find that I asked you about that SAME girl and you told me to steer clear, because I'm selling myself short. Maybe that's true... maybe it ain't.

Either way, it leads into the next letter...

30 Days, 30 Letters- Day 27: The Friendliest Person You Knew for Only One Day

2010-08-22T02:51:00.045-04:00

Dear Tom,
I met you on... May 20, 2007.
Yeah, that was it. I will always remember you because I was going through a particular rough patch when you limped into the bar I served tables at. When I got to you, you told me don't worry about it- and ordered a shot of something clear from the bartender. You called me over, and I pulled out my pad to take your order.
However, that wasn't your plan.
You decided to talk to me about me, then you... how you were from Havre, Montana moved to New York and spent 20 years on the NYPD, where you injured your knee. You said that you chose me to talk to because I looked like a 'great believer'...when I asked of what, you replied, "of the impossibilities of life"
Then as you left and I helped you to your cab you told me:
"Let it go. You're doing the things you're supposed to do. Life is playing out the way it's supposed to. The only mistakes are the choices you neglect to acknowledge as things to learn from. Everyone has a purpose. Purpose is life's use of people. No purpose, no use for you. The proof of these things are that you are still alive."

Dude.
You just don't know how much I needed to hear those words. I've held onto those words and have only gotten better. Thanks to your kind spirit. I hope you are doing great. I don't really regret much in life, but I do regret not being able to show you the kind of love you showed me. Who knows what I would've done to myself or others had you not walked into that bar, that day.

Keep the faith,
-Tesco.

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 25: A Person You Know Is Going Through The Worst of Times

2010-08-20T18:59:00.000-04:00

note: If you aren't a regular follower of my blogs or twitter, then you couldn't possibly know that one of my closest friends died recently. http://bit.ly/dfqxlP (Hence the interruption of the '30 Days, 30 Letters' with my last blog which was to him. When I started the '30 Days...' I already mapped out who all the letters would go to. However, this one just didn't seem right and I felt I wanted to add another person. so I'm writing to two individuals. You'll see. Thanks.

Original Letter:

My main man, Spence!

Whatup, G? Shit has sucked for you royally this past year- but you took it in stride and remained a classy dude as you slowly claw your way back to the surface. I only wish you had let me in on the problems, and maybe I could've been more supportive... in my own authoritative, militant way... but what's done is done. I'm so proud of how tough you are. I gotta figure out how I'm gonna scrounge up some funds and hang out with you, but until I do keep your head up, you fuckin' cockaroach.

-Tesco.

The Alternate Letter:

Oh Bri.

I don't even have anymore words. I've been crying and just beating myself up... but the worst part was seeing you Wednesday night at Irish Times just sitting in the exact stool he sat in just 5 days before... mumbling to yourself over and over,

"...he was just right here."

And when I came and sat in the stool next to that one...just as I did with him just 5 days prior... man. UGH. I felt the weight of your burden in that moment.

And I immediately felt like the weakest man in the universe.

I just want you to know, that I love ya- and that it will only get better- but it's gonna suck for a while. But like I told you that night... it's not your fault. It's not.

So please...let's just celebrate his life, and try to cheer up, okay?

Love, me.

Ha. I chose this pic on purpose. We was lovers. LOL. okay okay... here's a better one.

Ave Atque Vale - [People never get the flowers while they can still smell them.]

2010-08-16T06:41:00.002-04:00

Hey, Dunbar.

Well, we never really established who was going to be 'Santiago' and who was going to be 'Dunbar' did we?
sigh.
This blows.
I don't know why whatever happened happened, but I do know anyone who's ever met you, or hung out with you is a little upset right now.

You were one of the best of us, I'm sitting here- recalling all the crude things we used to laugh at... and then the miscellaneous things like asking Tri-Sarah-Tops to remove her top so that she may wrestle with us.

Sometimes, I felt like you got me. Like we got each other. The core 'we' that we had a hard time showing folk. All those nights you crashed under whatever roof I was staying under, looking up at the ceiling, pondering... discussing the little idiosyncrasies that make us all tick.

I never would've guessed the day I strolled into Madhatter's to hang with Bri, that I'd be meeting one of my future closest boys. I'm still not 100% on how I got the blame for "hooking you two up." Even to this day, despite your constant praise of my straight from the hip advice, I simply thought I was doing her the favor.

Man.

I don't think we had a dull moment. I mean, other than our sporadic attempts at growing up...

What am I supposed to say?
Remember the dog chase? Remember the police precinct? Remember the gas station bathroom key? Remember meeting Brandon Knight MLB pitcher for the Mets and he gave us front row seats to the next game?
I remember them all. Now, more than ever.

I never got around to meeting your family, and now I never will. I feel bad for never taking the opportunities you gave. Geez, I wonder how they are taking this.

I find myself oddly in the mood to fix sausages. Of course, because I'm thinking about us- and it's four in the morning. What better time to fry up meat shirtless?

Later today, I may dig out my old CDs- listen to some of The Prodigy, or Crystal Method hell, I may have to throw in some 2 Live Crew and other various Miami bass mixes. Of course, the listening will be accompanied with a vodka/soda.

...yeah.

Bri's a wreck. I feel bad for ever getting you in trouble with her.

I wish I had at least told you I loved ya. Even once. As guys we aren't really big on this act- yet it's easy for us to fall asleep together in adjacent swivel chairs in your office. Hey. It was a rough afternoon.

Mulatto Raggedy Ann.

Man. I thought I left the military because I was sick of seeing my boys leave me. ...all your troubles have been washed away. Yet, I'd take them all off of your shoulders just to take one more ride with you.

Ugh. I hope one day, I'll be able to understand. One day I'll be able to fully accept the truth behind why you had to go. However, today is not that day. If anything- I wish today was the day you called me at ten AM like always and demand that I meet you somewhere for tomfoolery and debauchery.

Maybe...

If I close my eyes really tight, and count to three- I'd open them to a text from you calling me a 'silly little bitch' and that I must meet you Saturday for something silly you just discovered on the 'internets'

Nah.

Facebook is already blowing up. You've gone on.

...and I'm... just writing a blog.

Love You, son.

My key is always gonna be in the bushes for you.

-Sean. (your boy, Stank Sinatra-which you probably have me still in your phone.)

P.S.

Tri-Sarah-tops said she's e-mail you a picture of her butchered hair. She's still horny and needs your matchmaking expertise. Hook it up for us. ...and I promise I'll work harder at not taking myself so seriously.

"That is my principal objection to life, I think: It's too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes." -Kurt Vonnegut

30 Days, 30 Letters- Day 24: The Person Who Gave You Your Favorite Memory

2010-08-15T22:57:00.000-04:00

I wouldn't necessarily call this my favorite memory...

Honestly... I wouldn't call you my favorite person. Not saying I don't like you- I'm just saying your theatrics are a bit MUCH. It is these same theatrics that are the muse for this letter.

You love to tell folk how I was the boyfriend from hell, and blah blah... however you fail to mention the most unforgivable thing you can ever do to someone- which you casually did to me.

First off all, let me remind you- of your silly little rules concerning HOW and the ONLY HOW we were allowed to have sex, as per YOUR rules.

missionary. cuddling afterwards. sleep in each other's arms. fin.

Nothing else was permitted.

Oh, and how can I forget the other:

Tolerate your overbearing, demanding, super repetitive oral fixation, while simultaneously alerting you 3 minutes prior to me cumming, so you can STOP what you were doing and go do something else. each. and. every. time.
note: Whilst you are down there feasting on trouser snake, I am NOT allowed to place my hand on the back of your head- for you do not like that.

Yeah.
Now that we've got that out in the air, I'm going to tell you what you did, even though by now I'm sure you've figured it out.
So, we were messing around one night on the couch in my folk's living room and we somehow started to have sex. During the supposed foreplay, you decided to go down on me again, for like the third time that day. I was a tad fed up because just three days prior I had (what I thought) was a legitimate conversation with you about how FUCKING retarded it was for you to be going down on me on the average of 3-4 times a day, (like that ride from D.C. to Va Beach where you went down on me 4 times, I came NO times. ...yay. fun.) and only actually ejaculating during that wack ass boring missionary sex. I even brought up how unlike most guys, I don't require to actually come in your mouth/face/etc. I just want to see the destination if I'm putting up with the journey...
three to five times a day.

And now... here we are on the couch. You coyly look up at me as your work your way into my boxers. You slide your lips up and down my shaft giggling proudly at the work you're doing... but I'm a sentinel today. I refuse to enjoy this. I'm on a mission. I will NOT get my hopes up for nothing. I guess you sense my fortitude, because you work even harder,a nd your mouth gets wetter than ever. I try to ignore this new challenge, but I can't. So I figure I would just ambush you with a pre-emptive orgasm. I decide that if I came just ONCE, you would see it's not so bad and throw your silly rules out the window. So I hold back all physical signs that I'm cumming. Then suddenly, I grab that mass of hair and lock you into place- and cum in your mouth.

I've won.

No... I haven't. Because at that moment you start convulsing around the mattress like you're having a seizure, and start coughing and then you throw up in my lap. YOU VOMIT ON ME. It takes about 7 seconds to process that I've got this weird mixture of snot, spit, semen, and whatever you ate earlier on me... and I want it off YESTERDAY. The only way to do that is to slant walk (so it doesn't ooze down my body) to the shower where I loofa myself into a brand new pale skin. When I get back to where you are- I find you snuggled up under the sheets. After I force myself to lay next to you...hoping we don't have to talk any more tonight, you rollover and ask me if I still want to have sex.

Were. You. Serious?
I would later find out... you indeed were.

Years later, even though we aren't together... like I said earlier- your theatrics still annoy me.

-Tesco.

30 days, 30 letters- Day 23: The Last Person You Kissed

2010-08-14T21:09:00.000-04:00

Oh boy.

I don't know what I'm doing here. None of my friends have any faith in me- including myself. The good side, I guess is most of them like you... which is unlike them. They almost always disapprove of my "skanks"

...I've never been good at relationships. So I'm surprised I'm giving this one a try. ...if you call this 'a try'

I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'll be attracted to someone, and then- they lack the superficial things that really matter... so I lose interest. And then sometimes, I just feel stifled...caged. ...and I desire more than anything to soar free and do what I want.

Stallion.

Maybe you're just really patient. ..or maybe you just go after what you want. ...or maybe I just ask to many damn questions.

Ugh.

30 Days, 30 Letters- Day 22: Someone Who Deserves a Second Chance

2010-08-13T02:26:00.000-04:00

Hey Mr. A.C.

Yeah this letter is to you because of a certain thing that happened between YOU, JULES, and my CIVIC SI.
Oh, you don't remember?

Let me refresh your memory: PICTURE IT. APRIL 2002.

Menashe threw one of his EPIC house parties that everybody attended regardless of whether we like each other or not. What was really nice about this party was we were BOTH under 21 drinking like madmen with the rest of our sailor brethren.

I should've suspected something was up when I noticed you and Jules were chasing each other around all night pouring beer on each other and wrestling like bear cubs. But I was too busy trying to defuse the situation between Eddie and skank he was dating.
As the party started to thin out, I should've paid more attention to you two giggling at each with beer goggles. It was almost dawn, and Dandu pulled my car up to the side of the house. I had already told you I'd drive you back to the barracks with Dan and me. Now, whether it was Dan or me who put that new Ashanti CD in the disc player , I don't remember... but we'll get back to that later. Since Dan and I have been pretty much like Siamese twins since we met, I waited for him to get out the car, and as he walks up to me- I don't notice that you and Jules are gone.

*LET ME FINISH*

Jules' scandalous little friend Alaina calls me and Dan inside with her to tell us something. She's totally using the fact that she's a 7 and we're hammered and it's the crack of dawn... I mean even the host is passed out on his living room floor. I don't notice her pour a cup of ice water... maybe because she's pretending to pour Gin into the cup when reach the kitchen. She begins taunting me about my manhood, and blah blah as Dandu- my silent guardian watches on. Then taking FULL advantage of my Marty McFly complex, she pours me a full cup of Seagram's and dares me to down it, which I do. Twice. As she's pouring cup #3, Dandu finally utters the magic words.

"Yo, where's A---- ? I left your car on in the street."

I snap awake, and we race outside worrying that my new Civic is stolen, or worse.
the rest happens in slow motion. We hear Ashanti's "Rescue" playing loud as hell on the road beside the house, and as we turn the corner there you are... NAILING JULES MISSIONARY ON THE HOOD OF MY CAR. I sprint towards you screaming your name, and you jump up as if awaking from a dream, and skeet all over Jules, and the hood of my car.

THEN, you take off with the girls, and I've got your spooge all over my NEW whip. I had to drive home with that shit sliming all over my windshield in the wind. SOME got on my hand!

The worst part of this entire story was NOBODY believed me, because you were "Mr. Goody Two Shoes" and I was the asshole trouble maker. But I drove you home that one Christmas break. I KNOW you're a dirtbag. I've seen your scandalous ways. However, I guess I can forgive you if you can only FINALLY come clean.

-Tesco

P.S. I still cannot listen to that song without thinking about you spraying all over the place. I literally cringe as son as I hear the opening chords.

30 days, 30 letters- Day 20: The One Who Broke Your Heart

2010-08-11T02:08:00.002-04:00

Yo.

I dedicate this to all the guys who were down with me before Sally Rottencrotch came around and twisted up your mind and warped your perception of everything. The guys who used to have my back and I supported only for some piece of ass to walk up and destroy our supposed "brotherhood." The guys who I gave my last dollar too and fought for, only for the brand new woman to say she doesn't want you hanging out with the fellas anymore, and YOU FUCKING DO IT.

I can think of three motherfuckers off the top of my head, but Buddy you were the one that makes me randomly angry when I'm drunk. Me, you, and Cloud were supposed to be immortal. You fucking fell off and died friendless and half broke.

...all because of some vagina.

"Bros before Hos, right?" *shakes my head and walks away*

30 days, 30 letters- Day 19: Someone You Can't Get Out of Your Head

2010-08-10T16:29:00.000-04:00

To the person that I've cleverly cropped out of the photo below:

I think of about you everyday. It is not because of that fantastic voyage with you, the shower curtains and the oil; nor is it because of the way you used to beg me to eat that horrible combination of eggs and ketchup every 'morning after'

You would maybe even think it's because of that time I walked in on you and that girl from the laundromat and you were all like, "Hey! You're back!"

...actually, it's because I left a copy of Avengers #500 under your nightstand. If we hadn't split so horribly, I'd ask you to mail it to me. Maybe you'll read this and do so anyway.

-Tesco

P.S. A friend of mine visits your restaurant all the time. I hinted at our relationship and now she's DYING to know your identity... she practically named all your co-workers.

30 days, 30 letters- Day 18: Someone You Wish you could be

2010-08-09T05:19:00.004-04:00

I don’t want to be anybody but me. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished with the shitty hand I was dealt.

However…

There is you, the person who goes unpunished for your theft of what was mine. Listen.

I’m not a fan of you. Frankly, I think you’re a bit of a dork. I can’t imagine there being anything about you that’s remotely interesting, or original. I surpass you in every fashion.

However…

There is ONE thing you have that I want… and to tell you the truth, I’m probably the reason you have it. If I were another person who performed the type of typical villainy that you’re familiar with, then I’d probably just take it from you.

However…

I’m not.

So there. Despite the fact I am your superior… you have beaten me in the one place it matters, and that’s why I would… maybe… trade places with you.

So, enjoy your victory… for now.

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 17: Someone From Your Childhood

2010-08-08T04:59:00.009-04:00

Dear You.

I saw you the other day. I think it's a good enough time to reveal that I was never attracted to you. A person who shall remain nameless assisted me in creating that large charade of being madly smitten with you. I don't know why we did it, other than we were jerks. Which isn't that bad seeing how you kinda let it go to your head, and the more you did that the more outrageous we made it. It wasn't until I realized that you totally believed almost anything we could up with... that I started to feel a little shitty.

I would apologize...
but... man. When I saw you I didn't recognize you. What the hell happened?

-Tesco.

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 16: Someone That’s Not in Your State/Country

2010-08-07T00:50:00.015-04:00

Jules.

You're probably clenching your fists that I posted this pic of us SHITFACED, but it's the only one that exists of us. Look how pale I was then. Holy Shit.

We definitely had some amazing schemes/capers/flimflams/cons/adventures together. Dirty. Rotten. Scoundrels. Thick as thieves. Whenever I think about folk I served with that I wish I could talk into moving where I live, you always make the top 2. But then I think about how we don't have to be in the same time zone to fuck shit up. Remember your parole officer calling Mr. Tescadero from 'Habitats for Humanity' to verify your community service?? We fucking OWN. Always good times.

Love ya, (but not the way you love me.)
(oh, whatever you know you want MY babies.)
(Ok fine... you can have ONE.)

-Tesco

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 15: The Person You Miss the Most

2010-08-06T10:05:00.002-04:00

Q.

Not really sure how you ended up pissed at me, I doubt it was my disapproval of your rush to speed up certain aspects of your life. The doubt stemming from the fact I was openly against it.

I can only assume it was either because you didn't hear from me on your birthday, which as I tried to explain was beyond my control- or maybe you read/figured out it was you I was talking about in an earlier post on my Tumblr, and you didn't like my opinion on shit.

Which is kinda a dork move, because both reasons are really small and we've been through bigger shit.
As fickle as we both are, it's really hard for me to grasp the act of burning our bridge- but I was always slow when it came to understanding people... So...

I don't know. Whatever I did, it must've been the absolute worst because you completely cut me off. So, yeah. I miss you a lot.
Anyway.
Hope you're doing ok.
I think...
Whatever.

30 Days, 30 Letters- Day 14: Someone You've Drifted Away From

2010-08-05T13:52:00.002-04:00

Dear BFF Sarah!

Oy Vey. How in the world did I go from talking to you almost everyday, to talking on Facebook every now and then? Oh, I know how. You moved to Australia!

At first, when you left it was a tad boring, but then I had to actually start calling my other friends. Folk at the Times occasionally ask about you.

Anywho, I'm glad life is awesome out there, and you are maintaining your cool-ness. We have to learn how to synchronize some Skype time. I miss talking to you.

One of these days I'm going to save money and come there.
Until then you be as good as you tell me to be.

P.S. I'm exclusively dating someone now, and I think I can refrain from villainy long enough to not hurt her feelings. You'd be proud.

-Antonio Peskydero

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 13: Someone You Wish Could Forgive You

2010-08-04T10:59:00.002-04:00

Dear Walton,

When these pictures surfaced, and you recognized it was your rack I was jerking off on, you stopped talking to me.
I completely understand.

But at least let me explain.
It was two weeks after boot camp, we were in 'A' school, and essentially that meant it was week 15 weeks for me without the embrace of a woman. Then Eddie Santos (remember that guy? He was hilarious) Comes into the break room with that Playboy magazine and I just couldn't help myself.

Besides, I wasn't REALLY beating off on your bunk, I was in that chair near your wall locker. It just LOOKS like I was in your bed, because I was running from Santos who took the picture.
I thought it was funny when he caught me, but what I didn't know was he would immediately develop these and show everybody in the unit. Especially you.

We used to be great friend, and better roommates before you saw this, and I wish we could go back to that.

Your pal,
Tesco.

30 Days, 30 Letters- Day 12: A Person Who’s Caused You Pain

2010-08-03T23:47:00.024-04:00

Nicole.

You lied to me constantly in school, and I guess you figured yourself stringing me along. Right.
Then you call me that fateful night years later and cry me a river about the love of your life manhandling your ass. Foolishly, I ran over there with my cape on... and we started dating.

Holy Shit.
I SHOULD'VE listened to Keiana and left your ass alone.
But I didn't. I was hardheaded, and after 3 months of dating you, and watching your big headed kid, you somehow almost got me to marry you. I considered it. I fucking considered it. Then, I got called away for a month to go serve the country I love. Just to return and you're married to the very guy who just threw you at the wall 6 months prior.

No, you didn't cause me any serious pain, but you definitely scratched the surface- and I'm more annoyed than anything. Annoyed because you had me shaking hands with your pastor and fucking filling my head wasting my time with complete bullshit.

...but you love him and he's the father of your vast-skulled kid. So that's the breaks.

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 11: SOMEONE WHO'S DECEASED

2010-08-02T18:37:00.040-04:00

Dear great-grandma, Mama Lee

I'm pretty sure that I didn't turn out the way you expected. I'm not a sweet guy. I turned out to be a cad.

I stopped letting people pick on me. I know you're probably glad for that... but I overdid my attitude adjustment and became a killer.

Sometimes I feel as though if there was a such thing as 'you looking down' on me you might be disappointed in my actions. I must admit I have pissed away a good portion of my life. There was a girl I met a couple years ago, that you would've loved. Most of the girls I've hooked up with- you'd probably spit on them. I miss going to Vacation Bible School with you. In fact, believe it or not... I haven't really enjoyed church since your passing. I don't think your death was the reason- I stopped liking church, I think it's just I didn't really enjoy talking about the message with anyone else. I also miss how you'd call QVC and buy all that CRAP ...just because. If you wanna talk about things I haven't done... I don't eat bananas anymore. They just don't taste the same way they did when you'd cut them up with strawberries on my Corn Flakes.

Something...
I always wanted to say out loud, your death was the first death that would affect my personality. It was your death that prepared me for the death that came not too long after. ...and it was the both of your passings that awakened me.

I miss you.

-Tesco... no. Love, Sean

P.S. You teaching me how to eat an apple is STILL one of my favorite memories.

30 Days, 30 Letters - Day 10: Someone You Don’t Talk to as Much as You’d Like

2010-08-01T02:03:00.040-04:00

Aunt Tiffany,

I thoroughly enjoy when we do get to speak to one another. I appreciate people who minister without trying to cast the fear of fire and brimstone over me. (Because that's gonna budge me.) Whenever I ask you something to try to navigate my foggy perception of spirituality you always talk to me in a form that I don't even want to argue with. I'm difficult a tad detached, and drenched in mild cynicism. I think on some level you're aware because you've always caught on to my remarks/jokes even when they're borderline crude. Well maybe I'm not that bad... but no, you've always been very warm, and honest whenever we talk. You're trustworthy, patient and I like that. Especially since I do enormous amounts of bullshitting behind brilliant convincing facades. Conundrums, wrapped in riddles, pretending to be enigmas, armed in Chinese boxes.

I'm really glad my uncle approached you in that parking lot. I don't wanna imagine how things would've turned out otherwise.

Now, if only you would learn your place as a woman and be seen and not heard...
(I couldn't help it.)
-Tesco.

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 9: Someone You Wish You Could Meet

2010-07-31T15:24:00.042-04:00

Hey.

Consider this my final chance at anything with you. You, being this possibility that sort of lives between spaces.
This living, breathing, 'what if' that has haunted me for these past 5 years, you are. I tried to get to the bottom of this mystery, as best I could without... upsetting the natural order of things.
But.
So I guess I'm actually addressing this to another possibility. The possibility that you ever find out the truth- IF those possibilities turned out to all work out in this direction. The direction would lead you to come to me. Ya know, despite whatever you hear about me, (and trust me, if you inquire- you WILL hear lots. I'm the king of urban legend.) I'm not a bad guy. Your mother, on the other hand is a horrible human being because I definitely tried.... but... I'm not who she wants me to be. So, as far as you're concerned- I don't exist.

I wish I could meet you now though. I want to look you in your eyes the way my friends and associates have. I want to hear your voice... hear the intelligent mind people say you have.... the way people who make me toss and turn at night describe with their comments. It sucks because maybe... I don't know. Maybe I could have been better to you than my old man was. However, we'll probably never know.

I... don't think I have anything else to say.

30 Days, 30 Letters- Day 8: YOUR FAVORITE INTERNET FRIEND

2010-07-30T23:50:00.035-04:00

Hey "BrownSugar"

I'm not even sure if this really counts, seeing how I've met you before, we've talked, I've been in your house, and we worked on the same junk pile. I like to laugh at how random this friendship is, seeing how you were the girlfriend of my boy, and now I talk to you far more than I do him. That is almost on the borders of hypocritical behavior for me. Regardless, I'm addressing this to you- simply because I don't think I knew you, knew you until we put some distance between us and started from scratch. You've swooped in to rescue me on more than one drunken occasion, (that forgetting my address shit is still unbelievable to me.) been my random oracle, and 'tried'? to hook me up with- a decent woman... I think. AND... we have similar goofy humor. (C'mon! "Uninvited Guest" WORST. MOVIE. EVER.) That's already more than most guys in my life, which makes you certainly irreplaceable. So here's a bit of appreciation in case the emotionally withdrawn folk in your camp neglects that sort of maintenance.

I love ya, kid.

-Tesco.

30 Days, 30 Letters- Day 7: Your Ex-Girlfriend

2010-07-29T12:00:00.002-04:00

So... big deal you weren't my girlfriend.

That's kind of my fault ...me with my relationship issues/paranoia... I still remember that morning in the garage when you looked at me so casually disappointed in my blatant avoidance of our inevitable "official" romantic relationship.

I often wonder how things would have played out if I would've answered that question differently.

"Tony, where do you see this relationship going? ...what are we doing?"

"I mean... ain't we just kicking it?"

Yeah... that was the perfect response to that question, after we had been sleeping together and practically spending the majority of our time together for about 3 months. PERFECT. ...I'm not a jackass at all.

I remember that night a couple days before you got married. I kinda sensed you were distant, as we drunkenly screwed around on that damned couch. Something else... costumed as lust. Say something? Yeah, right. You may have been distant then, but nobody knows denial and emotional withdrawal like I do. So yeah. Things went unsaid.

What would things have been like had I answered that question differently?

Man.

There are parts of me that truly think that you could have lasted through all my shit. You were a lot brighter than folk ever gave you credit for, and you never really gave a shit about other folk's opinions... I always liked that. I also loved your uncanny ability to collect haters. You're married and off to places unknown and bitches still hate on your behaviors here. (Especially one in particular) ...sigh.

I always thought about checking up on you and shit...

...but you know how it is.

P.S. I SWEAR I did not know you left my house with your shirt on backwards. I'm not a home wrecker... and I'm really glad you were slick enough to beat that when your man asked you about it.

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 6: A Stranger

2010-07-28T15:26:00.000-04:00

Dear Guy I met and left on the street:

It was 2005, NYC.
I was really excited to meet you. I thought we could be best friends. I think it was the 10 beers I had during the $1 beer happy hour before you came in with that hot girl I thought was your girlfriend. Whatever happened to her?

Geez. I think (if my memory serves me) she got mad right after shot number 6. Something about us being immature and screaming obscenities at each while giggling down Bud Light chasers like two school girls.

Hey man, if only I hadn't gotten that phone call from the actual girl I was dating... I probably wouldn't have gotten sidetracked and walked off... leaving you in the street without first getting your name, or seeing if you would make it home safely. But hey! I took this picture just in case I ever ran into you again.

I did not.

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 5: YOUR DREAMS

2010-07-27T14:49:00.001-04:00

Hey-

You elude me, but I am sluggishly on your tail. Sometimes...
Sometimes, it feels as though I'll NEVER feel your touch. I put words on paper because I have stories to tell, and it seems with each passing day, this art is becoming... extinct.
I will not give up on you.
But sometimes, it is hard.

It's hard because you are so elusive. You won't come to me. ...it's not fair to ask you to. You tease me with your gentle Sunday touches and keyboard musings. My imagination goes ablaze when i think of how I want to serve you, to show you off to the masses. I know somewhere that's where you want to be; in my embrace. Then I awake.

I will stalk you. I will have you.

- Tesco, the Dreamer.

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 4: YOUR SIBLINGS OR CLOSEST RELATIVE

2010-07-26T00:15:00.001-04:00

Whatup playboy?

I’ve always considered you my favorite cousin. It’s actually because I respect your refusal to submit to society’s image of style or personality. You are a genuine person and that makes you awesome. You also never trip on the little things… well sometimes you do, but not as much as the other family members. It’s no wonder why we always click, and we always have adventures when we hang out. In addition… together, we’re fucking hilarious.

I’ll probably be calling you in like 20 minutes. Laaate

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 3: YOUR PARENTS

2010-07-25T23:23:00.002-04:00

Hello.
I'm thinking I can make this long, revealing and forgiving... but instead I'm going to make it short and blunt.

One of you tries too hard. With everyone/everything... except the shit that matters. With me, I don't honestly think I was ever the type to display how I truly felt, and it annoys me that you cling to silly childhood projections. If I were to tell you the best way to be close with me is to let me be, would you believe me? Well, it is... especially if I already told you what bugs me about you.
Lately, you've been better, but sometimes it just seems as though you're reaching. Chill out. That's it.

The other... well. You're almost pathetic. For someone that's so withdrawn and mysterious, you're pretty easy to read. You seriously give a whole new definition to self-loathing. It seems as though regardless of how much you tried to make me "better than you" I came out exactly like you. Most professionals call that behavior 'transference.' Well, not exactly. I've found that killing foreigners fills the void in my life. You... well, you sabotage yourself. Have you every stopped to think that maybe...just maybe, things wouldn't be so bad if you weren't your own worst enemy? Depression... maybe that's why you always seem so...lethargic.

What's funny is, I don't really consider this an attack, although that's how it will be perceived-
...and if it is, what would it really change anyway?

Out.