This, That... and the Other. Who doesn't Want It?

I'm a pretty level dude. I think. I was speaking to my friend the other day about my relationship with my ex. I'm still pretty proud of myself for having few ex-girlfriends in relation to my high number of bed notches. See, I never wanted to be one these guys with a bunch of ridiculous baggage, all these exes, that know my business and what not.
Some people see a guy with a bunch of girlfriends as a womanizer... I see a foolish fast talking failure. My boy is the same age as I am, and he's had 11 exes. eleven. None of them talk to him anymore. All of them have met his parents, grandparents, all of them he's 'loved' and had pregnancy scares, and this, that, and etc.
I've had 5.
Two of them know the names of my parents. I'm still on good terms with four of them. I've only loved (romantically) two women. One is an ex, and she's dead. One is The Constant. You frequent readers know what that's about by now.
So I guess what I'm saying is, some guys like to step up to the plate and attempt homers at every pitch. I attempt to get on base. If I hit a homer, that's awesome.

So my friend asked me why I still talked to my exes. I had to explain to him that unlike him, all of my exes actually meant something to me. All of my exes could've potentially been my wife had we continued on the path we were going. More importantly, ALL of my exes were first my friends. That's why I'm so adamant to separate girlfriends from bed notches. I actually enjoy the company of my exes. We have inside jokes. We truly are friends. He asked me how it was possible to maintain a friendship with an ex-girlfriend, and I told him that I treat the relationship like we're 'Jerry and Elaine.' See, a long time ago, I realized that the 'Jerry and Elaine' machine is one of the most solid relationships ever recorded on television. I can't think of a better couple-well, maybe Paul and Jamie, (Mad About You) or Frank and Claire (House of Cards) depending on what your tastes are.

Whatever happened, HAPPENED. [Perfectly Normal]

I implore you to watch that before moving on. [NSFW]


This is arguably the most important scene from a little movie from Kevin Smith called, 'Chasing Amy' (1997) (Lol. I know my friends are sick of me referencing this film, however- there's so many things you can learn from it.
Anyway, a cyber friend of mine asked the question today:
Question for you guys. What is a "respectable," yet realistic, number for a 25-30 year old woman? I'm interested in ur opinion.

Here's my answer: WHO GIVES A SHIT?

Let's eliminate the bullshit that this question contains, and get to the real issue here.

Full disclosure.

In a relationship you don't have to tell your mate every damn thing. It's a relationship for crying out loud, not an oath in court. Hell, some people don't want to know everything that you've done before they came along. Some of them even say, "Hey I don't wanna know about your old whoring ways"
I like these people. Respect these people and their decision. Don't tell them anything they don't ask about.
Just do not volunteer the info.

Everyone has the right to their past and the experiences that made them who they are. A person shouldn't have to hide experiences and pretend like things did not happen.

They had a life before you.
Past lovers exist.

In my opinion, it's not only insecure as fuck, but hugely psychotic to believe that a past checkered with sexual escapades, or carnal discovery should just fucking vanish because YOUR brand new ass just arrived in your 'shining armor.' Same thing goes for people that want their significant others to burn old pictures, letters, throw away old trinkets, or never ever speak to, or mention old exes.
Because you feel everything before you shouldn't exist?

Thing is, you don't get to date a blank slate. You don't get a fresh sheet. Why do you feel you deserve one?
If you really feel that way, move over to the middle east where they still practice arranged marriages at 14 years old.

I believe that when a woman enters my life I want to know about her past because I'm interested in her present. Not because I want to judge her past actions. Because who she is now, is formed by who she was then, and all that she's been through. Not because I think she has a disease. Lots of sex doesn't equate to germ sponge, and I think people that use that argument have just admitted they lost the argument and that they are driving blindfolded. I'm not threatened by all those old guys, or any mementos she kept of them. You shouldn't be either.

Don't get me wrong. I don't sit in bed and say,
"Ooh PLEASE tell me about that time you went down on 4 guys in a line like a circus seal."
Grow up.

The source of the problem, (and I can't pretend like I'm not directing this at men anymore) is a little mind set called the Virgin/Whore Dichotomy. (Go look it up.)
"It's okay to be a whore when I want my dick sucked, but I can't marry a girl that has sucked 37 dicks."
What the fuck ever.

These men that think that way, or even any guy that answered that question with an actual number needs to be sat down and told this:

GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

"How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being?”                                     

                                                                                      -Oscar Wilde

The Cost of Living [in the relationship]

I've often joked that I have the Seinfeld Dating Curse. That being the repetitive nature of dumping someone you're dating over a superficial flaw. (i.e. 'man hands', 'she ate her peas one at a time', 'her belly button talked' ...yada, yada, yada-See what I did there?)
When in reality it's not me at all... it's a lot of you. The quagmire I currently find myself in was fired from the same cannon of bullshit that I've actually heard my friends say, or write about.

Ya'll are killing me these days with these dealbreakers. Seriously. If you got more than five reasons not to be with anyone then you need to just face the music and get comfortable with your hands. You're turning down great opportunities with people, and focusing on shallow, superficial shit. The funny thing is, the reason you're doing it. Whether you want to admit it or not, it's because you believe that your absolutely perfect, complies with all your batshit crazy really stupid nonsense, angel- handpicked by God himself- is on their way into your life, and will be here soon, as long as you don't settle. Because let's face it. Your girlie mags and subliminal messages in movies told you settling was another form of giving up, right?

I said it before, and I stand by it:


THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS THE ONE.
(Unless, you are currently plugged into a system in which your reality as you perceive it is actually a simulated reality created by sentient machines to pacify and subdue the human population, while your body's heat and electrical activity are used as an energy source.)


You want to be in a long term relationship?
Understand this basic fundamental rule.
You cannot settle down until you learn how to settle for.

You have to learn to put up with things. This is probably why the phrase 'patience is a virtue' has lasted so long. There are no 100% good things in life. Your new Benz is fly, but those maintenance fees are a bitch. Your bank account is very impressive, but what did you have to put up with to get it there? Etc. etc. ...etc.

Flaws.
Everyone has them shits. What are yours? The flaws you should be concerned about are fixable. Your boy of interest pisses with the door open? Tell him to close the fucking door. She eats in bed? Tell her go the fucking kitchen. This whole give and take is similar to buying that new Benz, or catching a train. You gotta pay the fare if you wanna ride the ride.


What YOU have to do is understand what you can put up with, and what you can't put up with. Honestly, you should be able to count on ONE hand all of your "dealbreakers." Dealbreakers can be things like, "she may be a closet racist." "He is in $40,000 of debt" Dealbreakers can not be superficial bullshit like, "Oh, I hate the way you dress." Because if a shallow reason is why you aren't with someone then the problem clearly is YOU.

Deal with it. There is NO perfect person out there for you. Not for anyone. No soul mate. No person born and raised for you and you alone. All of these. Lies. LIIIIIIIEEEEES.

Allow me to show you how society has screwed itself.
You can sit there and tell yourself that blatant lie, (which is kinda beautiful in its Santa Claus, Easter Bunny way) but the reality is, it's a myth. What do we know about myths? Well one, they're built on a bunch of lies, and sometimes there's one atom of truth involved. If you look up Myth, the definition you will get is, an unproved or false collective belief that is used to justify a social institution. I can't think of any better word to describe the belief in soul mates, the belief that two people are perfect for one another. Every long term relationship you've ever heard of is a myth that two people tell others, and it trickles down the grapevine the way myths often do. You're probably shaking your head now, calling me all sorts of names- but I'm serious. All of the best relationships I've ever witnessed, (and I've witnessed a LOT) are built on lies and deceit.

Well what lies and deceit you ask? I'll tell ya.
People in perfect or even really good relationships almost never tell you the whole story. They only tell their best, or their really good. Never the absolute shitty stuff that they had to get over.

When you meet someone for the first time you present an embellished version of yourself. You always lead with your best, and then it's six months later you start to fart in front each other, snore, and wear tube socks with your dress pants. (seriously, someone I know) That my friends, is where the magic lies, the key to longevity- because it's there and only there that you actually meet the person behind the charade. (and vice versa)



The beauty of the long term relationship is every day you get to pretend that your significant other is really that idealized lie you met at first, instead of the actual 'man behind the curtain' that you're actually with. You'll know the truth, that Prince Charming is really just an okay looking guy, who's sweet and honest, but has the disgusting habit of pissing with the door open. The fact that you know this about them, and they know the truth about you- forces you to be a better person.
Forces you to become the you you pretended to be originally, in turn making your lie self true. (If you're smart.)

Because honestly, if you stick around long enough to embrace the better qualities of a person you won't see the eating in bed, the wearing of tube socks with dress pants... the 'yada yada yada'
Remember: No two people want the same thing. No two people are perfectly sexually compatible. It's way too many possibilities and thoughts out there to have such a naive concept be true. If you cannot reconcile with that, then you will continuously be recycled through the lineup. You will forever be plagued with trysts and short lived relationships that are really glorified hook-ups. I guarantee that.
If you forsake a promising opportunity over something stupid, and superficial, or you are waiting for Mr./Mrs Perfect and Right, it will ALWAYS be your fault- Never theirs. I guarantee that too.


Be smart.
The only way to become the one is if someone is willing to pretend you are the one. (and vice versa) That's just the way it is.






"I present myself to you in a form suitable to be in the relationship I wish to achieve with you.” -Luigi Pirandello






(The last three photos are from the 2004 film, Alfie. Check it out.)