Three Minutes [Goes Unpunished]

So this story starts a while back. I'm not particularly sure exactly when... but I believe it was sometime in November last year. I decided to tag along again in one of those weird trips with my friend David, to go see his girlfriend Dominique in Hampton, Virginia where she attends school. Now, the reason I would go on these trips was because I had prior lived Hampton only a couple years before, and I still knew a great deal of people in the area. Especially my friend Vid. David and I are pretty close, so when we would make these trips, it would be in his car which I had a spare key to, and I would roam around catching up with folk and the whole lot while he would lay about cheesingly/romantically with his woman.
I had decided to take a trip to a club on the Newport News/Hampton line called "The Alley". Now, maybe I had way too many of those Hurricanes...(because that's the best drink they can make) and maybe I started the night with that double Three Wisemen. Maybe a random group of girls and I had a couple "Scooby Snacks" but...somehow I walked out of that club, with a girl, and walked over to the McDonald's across the street. When I got back to the car though... I could NOT find the car keys.

The girl had already left and the club was clearing out. I walked back in the club and backtracked my route to the Mickey D's. TWICE. I had been aimlessly drifting along West Mercury Blvd. debating whether to call Dave just for him to run the news past his girl and hear her trap- when this car pulls up and inside is this odd couple (male/ugly woman) who sees me shivering in the cold. They offer me a ride wherever I have to go. Now, I'm hammered and a tad nippy so I roll my eyes skyward and decline. They drive alongside me asking why I'm walking alone down this dark road and blah blah. I decide to tell them that I'm walking to my friend's house because my cop friend locked himself out his car. We're waiting for another cop with a slim jim. They suddenly pull over and tell me I can wait in the car while I'm waiting...or they can give me a ride back to the car with my friend. I say that's fine. I can walk back alone. But I will wait... in the car. (I had already called a tow truck for lockout assistance before they pulled up)
The girl surpisingly sounds mannish and they wanna know how old am I, what's my friend's name, am I from around there and blah blah. After a good three minutes of answering ridiculous semi-weird-stalkerish questions. I got freaked out because it suddenly hit me that I was about to get gang raped. So I jumped out the car and ran like the devil was chasing me. (An hour later, I discovered the key was in my fifth pocket. Damn you, jeans)

Fast forward to four hours ago. I'm in the CVS buying candy and Hot Pockets when there's a strange amalgam of a human being hovering behind me. The self-checkout machine is taking FOREVER. Then another guy comes up and he's like, "OMG! It's YOU! Did Dave ever find those keys? Where did you run to?" I'm like, "Huh?"
"What are you doing in DC?"
"Huh? I'm sorry-" then it hits me, who they are.

And I drop the candy and Hot Pocket and run home.

"A good deed never goes unpunished." -Gore Vidal

The Shape of Things to Come [Moment of Vanity]

I was talking to my "girlfriend" the other day when it occurred to me that I'm an unwilling participant in some random (well, to me) eccentricities. One of them is, I lately have been championing women's rights. (Yeah, I know right?) The second is something I thought was just a strange coincidence or just a glitch in the Matrix when I noticed it a while ago, (see: MySpace blog, "The Curse") but as of this morning I have no other choice but to acknowledge it now.
Whenever I get involved with a girl, and it gets semi-serious on my end; when we break up, the NEXT person they get involved with, they will
1) Have a child with him.
2) Marry him.
3) Move in with him.
4) Have the greatest Earth-shattering sex they've ever had. (LOL...That only happened once.)

This is the truth. Seriously.
There was "The Constant" and then there was "Miss America" let's not forget Renee, Kyra, Christine, Michelle and Tori. I guess you can add Sarah and Denisha too. It's almost like there could be no worse than me so you had HAD to make that jump immediately after me. LOL. Now I'm not really complaining, nor am I asking to find the love of my life, despite what you decipher my Facebook status/tweets to be.
Until today.

Let me provide you with backstory.
There was a girl I was friends with, we got close...talked everyday. I fell for her. Told her how I felt on Valentine's Day, and she just said..."oh." then proceeded to fall off. No more calls. I backed off abruptly. 'nuff said.
I have a friend that moved far away from here, coincidentally to the area she lives in. I decided to get them together so he can have friends. He hung out, met her new live-in boyfriend... and then got hit on by that same boyfriend. Hit on... hardcore. felt up even. They then proceeded to go out, only for situations such as her going to grab drinks while he slyly felt up my friend's ass. Scary world but things like that happen. My friend didn't wanna tell the girl. I didn't wanna tell the girl... but now, I wake up to see her tell the world on MySpace...that she's marrying this same guy. THIS guy.

Backstory over.
So I'm stuck between, should I or shouldn't I? I'm stuck in a zone of, am I hater, a hopeless romantic, or a good friend?
And I can't help but notice these women that have left me to go off to greener pastures have slightly jaded (or re-jaded for the faithful) me. Sure I'm a free spirit... I'm the stereotypical male, and anyone will tell you I'm a wee bit past cold hearted, but even concrete bears scars. Scars that instead of crumble the wall, they simply make the walls stronger and impervious to further damage. I'm talkin' battle tested. Simultaneously though, I'm learning and living. I'm learning about what kind of women I've been involved with and what kind of guy I'm turning into....I'm turning back into what I tried so hard to change from. For lack of a better terminology: a drinking, shitting, fucking, shell of a human being. I'm not ashamed to go back to either. Is this the effects of "The Constant" wearing off? Where once I used women, now I'm being used...for whatever they're getting from me.

I keep the "girlfriend" at a distance... it's not her fault, but that's the breaks.

So what should I do? Should I tell her? Chances are I will NOT.
And what is to come? Is history going to repeat itself, and I go back to a life of hedonism? Or will I standby for whatever comes walking past? Who knows... maybe she came, or there she goes.

"Sometimes when you look back on a situation, you realize it wasn't all you thought it was. A beautiful girl walked into your life. You fell in love. ...or did you? Maybe it was only a childish infatuation, or maybe just a brief moment of vanity"
-Henry Bromel 'Northern Exposure' (Season 2: The Big Kiss)

"?"

People really confuse me sometimes. Like really confuse me.

One woman I know... let a man tear her all the way down. He trashed her self-worth, he risked her health, and shat on her goals. And instead of removing the element of destruction from her life she continues to hold onto him because it's what she wants.

Then there's another woman I know, who preaches one thing and lives another when it comes to her dead-end boyfriend. She's just drifting along... as if time was on her side. She has no plans to marry him at all but...

In both those situations I always hear the word 'Love' thrown about... and I'm not sure if they're wrong, or maybe my interpretation of love is jacked. I mean the way I always figured it... if I loved someone else- I'd first have to clearly love myself. And how can I love myself if I let someone else walk all over me or put me down... or waste my time?
When I was involved with 'The Constant', one of the biggest issues was the fact that was wrestling with loving myself. I wanted to love her badly but I wasn't sure what love was, nor was I sure I really enjoyed myself. So I never really wanted to get her too involved, because how could I hand out something I can't even give myself?
Does this make any freaking sense?
Actually, there was another girl I was involved with- who had a lot in common with me, joy of books, free spirit, and an undying sexual appetite. And as she sat in her garage that morning waiting with me for my cab... the inevitable question, "Where is 'this' going?" ...and all I could think was... "Please don't fall for me. Please don't fall for me. I'm going to break your heart. I don't want to but I will. I've played this scenario over, and over again. I don't love myself. I'm not cliche... but it's not you. It's ME. ME. Please don't fall for me." What came out was...

"We're just kicking it"
Of course that was the last time I had sex with her. (In a long time. But that's another story... or one I already told)

Maybe these women fully understand the concept of love perfectly... and it's me that has it all twisted.

There's a guy I know who put his needs on the back burner several times to fulfill his girlfriends wants. When I pointed this out to him, he said because that's what you do when you're in 'Love'.

Sometimes I think people are SO eager to fall in love, that they fall in love with the concept, use all the rules that apply for love in this strange little whatever they've built.

The way I see it, I would like to love myself one day the way I see women 'love' their men. I would like to go into a depression when I tell myself a lie. I'd like to get upset, when I disappoint me. I want to argue with me when I cheat on me with another loser who I jumped on because she stumbled out of the bar with me.

Silly, right?

"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?" -Lily Tomlin

The issue with "Miss America"...

[Jane Doe] is Dead

A good friend invited me to a conversation over who was the better cheater. Men or Women. Now, usually I avoid conversations like these- where I have to decide who's better a gender. The world is more complicated, and versatile than one or the other when it comes to human characteristics. If I do participate, I usually play the devils' advocate to make people realize the weakness of the argument. Today, however... I'm feeling randy, and I think I should rape this one wide open.

Here goes:

Most people like to assume that women are better cheaters due to the way society works and the attention of most mainstream media. "Men are dogs" is indirectly saying that men cheat, and since it's a well known phrase, It's more marketable to say a man's a dog, than to say a woman is a slut. Men have always been card carrying members of the "stick it anything" club. Not saying that all of us act on the club benefits... because a lot of us don't. That's just the stereotype we're born into. Just like folk say that women have a born desire to be in a relationship and married off to some guy. They'll go crazy if they aren't with someone now, or have been with someone. They're born and bred to be taken off the market by someone. Yeah, okay. Totally situational, guys.
However, these sayings work, and I don't think men (as a gender) really give a damn what society thinks of them. You don't see men throwing a hissy fit because someone called him a "bitch"

The cause for cheating though is a little conundrum in itself. Now, allow me to blatantly say, unless you used your brain and deduced that every thing I'm saying is purely opinion,
"What I'm saying is purely opinion"


Also, let's just get it out there- that there's never an okay time to cheat. If she/he is that bad, LEAVE. Simply put. Do not try to justify the shit. And don't give me that "what about swingers?" nonsense... Swingers, unlike people in 'normal' relationships don't have a commitment to each other; their commitment is to sex. Swingers- you can be in denial all you want. By definition of the word 'commitment' you can't swing. That's oxymoronic. Just like you can't justify cheating. By definition, 'cheating' is something you ain't supposed to be doing.

The reason men cheat are threefold.

• LUST: That fine ass girl in the club is winking at you... she's whispering in your ear. She's saying all the right things. She'll suck your dick. She'll let you put it in all the places your boys at the barber shop are putting it at. She can wind it in ways that make wifey back home dizzy. And she don't wanna be with you... she only wants tonight...damn... you just need something... different. JUST. THIS. ONCE.
  
  
• REGRET/PARANOIA: You're with Lisa for eight years... but she doesn't like football. YOU LOVE football. Of course you should have stressed how important that was to you- but she met all the other criteria, so who cares? Then you meet Ashley. Ashley LOVES football. Ashley doesn't run off at the mouth so much. Ashley hangs out with the fellas and can pound Guinessess better than "Craig and 'em". Man...maybe SHE'S the one you're supposed to be with. Why'd you have to meet her after Lisa?!! And the rare, but totally possible... I fucked up with her... she's never coming back, I'm such a loser... whose shoulder can I cry on? Oh. The 'friend' who always understands... (wait... that's not really cheating. You may be on 'a break'. haha "FRIENDS" humor)
  

• EGO: This one's tricky. This is the one that most people assume is going on when they catch a man cheating. This is the one that is the blame for most frat guys, old men, high school kids, ANY man who gave non-verbal signs that he was NOT ready for a relationship, despite what his MOUTH said, and you (the woman) plunged into one anyway.These guys are only looking for notches on the belt, so you weren't really 'in' a relationship with him anyway. Face it, sister. YOU WEREN'T.
  

Women on the other hand are a tad different. Cheating, like everything else they do is careful. Nurtured... emotionally attached. I've found through my life it goes like so...

• VENGEANCE/INADEQUACY: Well, Tony he cheated on me so I cheated on him. Or I know he's out there doing this, that and the third so... All he does is sit around on his ass, playing Playstation. When I left the house he was playing Playstation... when I got back he was playing Playstation. WTF? Oh. Tony... I realized this morning, I need a man that makes MORE than I do. He ain't doin' it for me anymore.
  
  
• NEGLECT: He didn't pay me any attention. I have needs. He's never home. I fall asleep on him too much.
  
  
• BAGGAGE: Well, my dad cheated on my moms... or my Mother instilled in me that I was nothing but a floozy, or my last husband cheated, and since all men are dogs, I'ma be a dog too. And so forth and so forth.
  
  

So with that being said, it stands to reason that women are more careful than men when it comes to cheating because MEN, don't care for relationships the way women do. MEN, stereotypically equate all women the same with the exception of well, "The Exception" (even I follow this. [See earlier posting: The Constant]) Equate meaning, yes I would like to marry her. But if it goes down the shitter, oh well...they're like buses- another will be along in a couple minutes. Which in a weird way is sorta true given the female to male ratio of the world. Women care for their relationships and grow them like flowers because they've been waiting and desiring to be loved, and to love, so when they are willingly and purposely fucking up this sought after position... they take the necessary steps to prevent being CAUGHT. Men try not to be caught as well, but probably more from a "I don't want to be a dirtbag" position.
Regardless of how you look at it, the common reason and conclusion is this.
Cheaters really don't care for the relationship they are in. If they say they do, then they're lying to more than just you and the other person. Denial isn't just a river.

But you know, it's like I said. strictly opinion... and mild observation.
I could be wrong.

By the way, the ONE. And I mean ONE time I cheated... it was totally because of LUST. And it was a very similar situation to the one I described... so see? I'm all about the shite I preach. lol.

"I'd be crazy, to let my man go and let some other Jane Doe come and try to steal him, Oh no!" -Alicia Keys, 'Jane Doe' (Songs In A Minor)

P.S. My quote for this blog is kinda hypocritical... given that she was kinda the Jane Doe in the whole Swizz/Mashonda thing, right?





Tescadero adds... (18 NOV 2010) 


Another popular reason MEN cheat that actually is the only forgivable one on the list. A lot of you will say 'Fear of Commitment' but really- that doesn't count because if they fear commitment they wouldn't have made one to you- and you can't 'cheat' if there's no commitment.

• INNER TURMOIL: Sometimes you'll find guys that have no other way to deal with their own sketchy pasts or inner problems than to simply distract themselves in another woman's embrace. These are usually the guys who are viewed as exemplary. Guys who have families that they generally love, yet for some strange reason they also love some other woman. This guy is usually running from some larger problem that he can't beat through conventional means, so he runs. Runs into the arms of another woman.  ...and given time he'll run from her too. This one is rare. 

Actually, women can perform that one too.