Amazing Tescadero #15 (...you never forget Gwen Stacy)

I tweeted yesterday I was in a good mood today because "Gwen Stacy contacted me- wanting to go out", it occurred to me that my non-comic fans have no clue the significance of that statement. Well. Here goes.

ALL OF THE LIGHTS...all of the lights...

"All of the Lights" - Kanye West (My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy)

featuring: (No, seriously-) Rihanna, Kid Cudi, Tony Williams, The-Dream, Charlie Wilson, John Legend, Elly Jackson (La Roux), Alicia Keys, Elton John, Fergie, Ryan Leslie, Drake, Alvin Fields, and Ken Lewis

The music video was released today, kinda reminds me of everything Daft Punk and 'Enter the Void'



Gaspar Noe's - Enter the Void  intro. ...What do you think?

I'm upset that this song is a single- which means it'll be overplayed and outdated in about a week. But when I heard it played on the radio I looked at the bright side, which was- anticipate the video.
I'm a tad upset. Don't get me wrong, I'm overall satisfied with the video even though you may get an epileptic seizure if you watch it more than once.

My problems lie in that it has too much 'HYPE' (that's a pun) ... I mean, must we see HIS name in lights as well? I know he's directed countless hot as fuck videos, but dude. It's Kanye and 15 other superstar's shine, not Hype. Let us know once, really fast. We get it.

...also I was looking forward to seeing more than just Cudi. ...I know it's far fetched to expect all those stars, but wouldn't it have been STELLAR?

Just think about how cool it would've been to see Fergie's ass in one of those ridiculous Will.i.am outfits with lasers firing in the background belting about doing "that line"
Elton John in his most colorful outfit and bedazzled shades with Alicia Keys going back and forth on dueling neon trimmed pianos/keyboards...
Wheelchair Jimmy fading in at half opacity to sing/talk "we're going all the way this time"
The Dream and Charlie Wilson in front of a Vegas Casino with the mandatory video sluts in slow motion...

Man. Total Awesomeness FAIL.

...you don't think so?

Finally...Rihanna. I can see how most dudes are pleased with the gratuitous eye candy, but I wasn't. Go far, far away woman. I'm just really tired of her. I thought it was just her voice that's monotone, but apparently her face is as well.

Yeah, I said it. I ain't afraid of you motherfuckers. Hate my opinion.

The Naked Man... #fail

Ok. So I've explained to you what 'The Naked Man' is, right? Well, it's when you take advantage of a distraction in order to shed your clothing and surprise your date with nakedness in the hope of receiving sex by means of humor, pity, stupidity or sheer spontaneity. 


So- last night held a little happy hour meet up function at McFadden's in Foggy Bottom. I invited a couple friends and family members, and amongst the invited was this girl who I was attracted to, but slam dunked me into the friend zone. Which I don't have a problem with, in fact I've been treating her like a bro ever since. So last night, I get ridiculously hammered, and after the happy hour was over, we (her and I) were supposed to me the rest of the guests at The Mighty Pint.


Unfortunately, that didn't work at all. But that didn't stop her and i from drinking...or so I think. The details are fuzzy. Anyway, after a random trip to McDonald's and some other food spot to settle the drunk munchies, we make it back to her car. She suggests that I crash at her place, and I don't know what the fuck I was thinking but I decided half assed that this would be THE perfect opportunity to perform 'The Naked Man' so I immediately strip when she left the room, got into my centerfold pose (the pose in the picture) and then...


...yeah. The downside to the naked man, is that only works 2/3 times. 
I guess last night was the third time. I definitely woke up in the morning still naked, and she was fully clothed... with a belt on. 


I wonder how I'm gonna face her next... LMAO


#FAIL #LULZ #SHAMELESS

Liquid Tescadero... and the Gooey Kablooie

Ladies and Gentlemen, Liquid Tescadero has RETURNED.

Unfamiliar with just who 'Liquid' is? 

Well, let me go back a bit. 'Liquid' is a reference to the video game Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes.  The protagonist of the game, Solid Snake is pulled from retirement and forced back into participation in a top secret military conflict because his old unit has taken a military base hostage. The leader of Solid's old unit and the antagonist, in charge of the entire coup- is a mysterious shadowy figure also going by the code name Solid Snake. When you finally reach the end of the game, it's revealed that the antagonist is none other than the equally skilled, and up to this point unknown to the majority of the world, twin brother of Solid, Liquid Snake. ( Sounds cliche, but actually- it's beyond awesome.)

Anyways, a couple years back I was working at a bar on Capitol Hill where I'd foolishly, with the help of drunken nights, gotten involved in a sexual relationship with 3 different women simultaneously, and become the superstar of the rumor mill. It wasn't long before all three women suspected I was shagging them on a weekly basis. Of course, in the AMs I denied these preposterous accusations of sleeping around and acting a fool in nearby bars. It got so bad, one girl actually asked me- "Honestly, Tony...do you have a brother or something out there?- because people say they saw you, but I know you were home because we were on the phone!"

Exactly. As if mobile phones...aren't mobile. So Liquid Tescadero was born from THAT moment. 

I thought I banished that demon to the nether regions, over the past couple years, but he reared his ugly head the other day by going on a three day bender, and hooking up with a random girl he met at the bar. Only to feed into her advances, go back to her place- and meet her live in boyfriend and his lacrosse buddies... or rather be chased down the road by them.  It WAS not a happy meeting. Time will tell when the bastard will show up again, but I'll let you know definitely.

Now. I'm going to tell you this, and I'll know you read it here- because I WILL NOT repeat this out loud, EVER. Last Wednesday after I left the Moombahton Massive 2 party at U Street Music Hall, I'm walking down Florida Avenue- trying to powerwalk- because I really have to go pee and there's not a decent alley anywhere. Plus I'm totally exhausted, drunk and pumped from a full night of banging beats, slam dancing, and controlling the crowd- when a girl pulls up next to me and offers me a ride home. She mentions that she recognizes me from the Massive and asks me for the CD I was teasing the crowd with. I'm like sure, and we flirt about longer. I feel bad because at this point there was a girl I was trying to date- and I knew I was going to make out with this girl. So I did my customary "drop me off at the corner down the street from my place" (it's a maneuver, not what I said out loud.) ...it only took about thirty seconds before we're making out in her front seats. I'm feeling her up and I'm too busy fondling her nipple ring to stop her from roughly pulling on my dick...

...and me peeing on her.

Liquid: 1
Random black guy running out of screaming girl's car: ZERO.

A Festivus... for the rest of us!

Because of my own demented upbringing, I don't celebrate Christmas. I haven't celebrated that foul 'holiday' since I was 14. I'll never celebrate it again. At first, I just embraced my inner grinch and stayed away from folk who decided to share their merriment with everyone. Then one day in 1997, I saw the answer.

It was in an episode of Seinfeld called, 'The Strike'
The answer was the very real holiday introduced in the episode: Festivus
Now, every year I try to get more and more folk to celebrate this wonderful holiday with me by explaining to them via a blog entry exactly how it's done. (That is, if they haven't seen the episode.) This is this year's explanation.

How to celebrate Festivus.
Level of difficulty: Low
Requirements: Friends/Family, An Alluminum Pole, holiday food, An athletic supporter (optional)

1. Festivus Dinner: Festivus is celebrated on the eve of December 23rd. The participants shall gather wherever the pole aluminum pole will be showcased, (the pole has no actual purpose, it's just a clever replacement for a Christmas tree) to partake in the Festivus dinner. A classic example of Festivus dinner spread is meatloaf or ham, with a cake decorated with M&M's. The less care put into it, the better.
2. The Airing of Grievances: Immediately after dinner is served, everyone takes turns lashing out at others and the world about how they have been dissapointed all year.
3. The Feats of Strength: The final tradition of Festivus, which takes place (during the dinner or immediately after it) The head of the household (or the host of the event) selects one person at the celebration, and challenges that person to a wrestling match. The person may decline the match however, tradition states Festivus is not over until the head of the household has been pinned in a wrestling match. Failing to pin the head of the household, results in Festivus continuing until the requirement is met.

That's it! Another tradition is the identifying of "Festivus Miracles" which some negative people have said is simply the labelling of easily explainable events.


...death to those guys. Hope you all celebrate!