Were (we're) With Friends -Part 2: Quandary

continued from: Part 1: Malaise <----click click--="">

OK! you've read Part 1 and you're now aware of what's going on. Hopefully. Now you're thinking, "Damn. Do I have a chance?" Um. Yes.

See the thing is- for MOST men- I'll say 83% of them, (made up statistic) the friend zone simply means that they done GOOFED.  You had a chance in the beginning, but you did something. Somewhere along the way, you fucked up by saying something or doing something. Whatever you did, you're now here, and you want to get out. Most people will tell you that it's a complicated process and there's all these steps and you have to do this, and that and the third. Totally untrue. Well... maybe not. But I've really thought about this and I think I've simplified this as much as it can be.

STEP 1: ACCEPT THE STATUS OF THE SITUATION.
aka You ARE her friend. Deal with it.


It's like this. She's made a conscious decision NOT to be with you, and no amount of persuading or rather, begging and pleading is going to change her mind. Well, maybe it will- but rarely it does. If you beg or plead with her then you only look soft in her eyes and whiny. I don't believe any of those attributes are going to help you. You should respond as stoically as you can, because if you respond by acting hostile or depressed it will ALWAYS work against you. If you take the rejection personally she'll most likely see it that you DO believe you're not good enough for her, or better yet: a total lack of confidence. That thought almost always equals: Unattractive.

Instead, try spending a little time figuring out why she put you there in the first place. Get out of your feelings and realize that a LOT of the time women do this shit and it has very little to do with you.

She could be:

• too busy with her personal life to deal with a relationship right now.
• recovering from a prior relationship (Very Common)
• she has commitment issues (which, in a way- she's doing you a favor)
• recovering from some mental shit (laugh if you want- there's some crazy wimmens out there)

You could take advice from your guy friend- which most of us do. (Silly us) and this usually results in cutting off all communication with the girl which really makes no sense because:

• You're never gonna have another chance with this broad. 
• You kinda just gave her power over YOUR emotions. (I'm anti THAT no matter the situation)
• You're GOING to look childish AND immature

So seriously. Kick back- put your feet and enjoy the friend zone.

Because if you pimp this shit right, you can walk away with some very promising rewards. (See Part 3: Perspicacity) 

STEP 2: BUILD SOME SYMMETRY

aka It's time for equal opportunity

When she puts you in the friend zone she has officially passed you up and is now open for business from other guys. This is where you do the same thing with other women. If you're so foolishly in love with this chick that you can't be with any other woman, then you better damn pretend and be convincing. This maneuver shows her that you don't think she's too good for you, she's NOT that special, and you aren't infatuated with her. (Even though you think you are. wink wink) If other women will happily date you, then natural law says she's gonna become interested in you- she probably won't be beating down your door anytime soon- but she'll definitely show a greater interest in you than she did before you put her on the reserve list. 

If you want my honest opinion (and you probably do, since you're reading this) you should never EVER put all your eggs in one basket, so work social circles. Your friends have friends and they have friends of their own. In one of these circles is a suitable collection of 'variables' (other women) that can be used to draw the attention of Girl A, friend zone Sally. Date them. Level the playing field. If you notice that Girl A has taken a sudden interest in you, now it's time to really show her that you've taken her suggestion to be friends to heart. Ask her out on a non-date. Let her accompany you somewhere that can be seen as a date to others but not to her. Book store trips, and shopping for clothes are tactics I've used before successfully. It's all in how you play your cards. But don't over do this because you may dig yourself too deep in this area. Oh, and if you two do talk about other people- the variables you both are seeing- keep it light. (Light enough to show that you're interested in conversing and spending time with her, but you don't wanna be her confidant.) Also try playfully flirting with her. Shit talking. Purposefully place no actual validity in what you're saying because 'your attention is actually on your variables'- the key here is to just build a comfort zone. If she flirts back then you've established that comfort zone/fair game, son. 

Once you have established fair game then there's only one thing left to do.

STEP 3: THE KILL SHOT

Make your move, Chief

OK. Here's the thing. Hopefully you aren't sensitive and you didn't go home crying because she rejected you the first time. Because in order to get out of the friend zone, you're going to have to make the first move. (again) She won't.
She will not.
Trust me. I'm comfortable enough in writing this to say 100% (another bullshit, but dangerously accurate statistic) of the time she will standby and let you fail if you miss the opportunity. You want an ommelette? You gotta break some eggs, homie.  However she will give you hints that it's okay to make this move. Open the door. Opportunity's on your porch. But play it cool, guy. If she finds out that your variables weren't legitimate threats, then you're screwed.

Now, if you followed step 1 and 2 correctly, then you've shown her that you won't get hostile or upset if she rejects you again and you have other options. But here's what she won't factor in. You have the odds stacked in your favor now. I am not saying that you're guaranteed to succeed. I'm saying that you should.

However...if she puts you in the friend zone AGAIN, then don't sweat it because you now have other dating prospects and can move on without skipping a beat. 

and... If you did put all your eggs in one basket with this one and you did fail again... well, I can only hope that you somehow get the fuck over it and STOP PURSUING HER. You'll come off as needy, pathetic and probably creepy. You and her ending up with you only works on TV. (I'm looking at YOU, Urkel)

Now if you've been rejected (again?) and you're okay- and you're over her- then I think it's time to move on to part three... 

Part THREE (<----click)

'Elegy' for my Love... (A long dead chick I would've dated.)

Dorthy Rothschild. aka the infamous Dorothy Parker. Where do I begin? What can I say about her that wasn't probably scrawled on men's bathroom stalls  back in her day? Not as if she cared, not when she would go on to say: "I don't care what is written about me, so long as it isn't true."

Never heard of her? Well, she was a legendary member of New York's literary scene. Known for her biting wit and cruel humor, Parker rose to acclaim for her literary work in such venues as The New Yorker, Vogue, and Vanity Fair. She was also a founding member of the Algonquin Round Table. Maybe you're familiar with this group if you saw Alan Rudolph's film Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle (1994), starring Jennifer Jason Leigh, Campbell Scott, and Matthew Broderick. After the breakup of the circle, Parker traveled to Hollywood to pursue screenwriting. She succeeded there, winning two Academy Award nominations.

However, Mrs. Parker wasn't without her dark days. She came from a conflicted, and very unhappy childhood. She went through three marriages (two with the same man) and was involved with 'certain politics' that would result in being blacklisted. Add on her bout with depression and surviving several suicide attempts, all while growing increasingly dependent on alcohol. As much as she wanted to be taken seriously, and actually author a full novel, Mrs. Parker never really escaped her reputation as a jokester, even after proving to be a prolific writer of short stories, dramatic criticism, articles, war reporting, political essays, song lyrics, and screenplays, dramas and verse. Once, because she was unable to admit to failure, she chose what she felt was the only solution that a writer could resolve her writer's block Then impulsively swallowed a bottle of shoe polish. Perhaps it's easier to understand her actions and drive for writing when it's revealed that she was a huge fan of Oscar Wilde. She once said in Life magazine when reviewing Wilde,

If with the literate I am
Impelled to try an epigram,
I never seek to take the credit;
We all assume that Oscar said it.

She was blunt and honest, she never lost sight of what she was born to do. When asked why she became a writer, she quickly and nonchalantly replied, "Need of money, dear" After all, writing is a business. She would later identify the "two most beautiful words in the English language" as "check enclosed" She had an open contempt for the pretentious (even when she exhibited it) and blatantly disliked writers who put on airs. She hated that some authors would misuse and rape 'creativitity' stating, the "function of a writer is to write." In her eyes, a writer was no more than any other craftsman or worker.

Her reputation as one of (if not THE) wittiest woman of the twentieth century was founded on simple snarky quotes and agile, tart one liners. Once while playing a word game where she was tasked to use the word 'horticulture' she responded, "You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think" How about a short verse, learning from experience no doubt,


(Unfortunate Experience first printed in Life, April 8th 1926)
By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying-
Lady make a note of this:
One of you is lying.


She was not shy with her image either:

I'd like to have a Martini
Two at the very most.
After three, I'm under the table
After four, I'm under my host. 


She would later in her life write book reviews for Esquire, and put down her days with the Round Circle. She  would eventually die in 1967 from a heart attack. In her will she bequeathed all of her assets to the Martin Luther King, Jr. foundation. When he died, her estate was passed on to the NAACP. However due to various negligence and personal obstacles, they were not able to claim her ashes until 1988m where they buried her and designed a memorial for her outside their Baltimore, MD headquarters. The plaque at the site reads:

"Here lie the ashes of Dorothy Parker (1893–1967) humorist, writer, critic. Defender of human and civil rights. For her epitaph she suggested, 'Excuse my dust'. This memorial garden is dedicated to her noble spirit which celebrated the oneness of humankind and to the bonds of everlasting friendship between black and Jewish people. Dedicated by the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. October 28, 1988"

Dorothy's legacy has remained notorious, and she has been portrayed several times in film and television and served as the inspiration of several fictional characters in plays. In 1987, Prince paid homage to her by writing a song called, "The Ballad of Dorothy Parker: which is on his 'Sign O' the Times' album.


In closing I hope you can see why I'd date this powerful woman. I hope you check out some of her writing- it could be argued that she is partly responsible for women being respected and admired in the world of Hollywood and modern literature. Even at her sweetest, because several people admitted she had impeccable manners- this woman was not afraid to express herself. She was a limited edition kinda girl, meaning there's nobody like her, and there probably never will be. Maybe you're not impressed, but I ask you this: Are you picturing this is a woman who was saying and doing all of these things in a time where women were rather seen and not heard (unless you were a star) a woman who like most women was once expected to try and please everyone, and soft pedal her opinions to suit what others wanted to hear. 


Wanna know what Dorothy said to that?


But now I know the things I know,
And do the things I do;
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you!


Suggested Reading: 


"The Portable Dorothy Parker" PRODUCT SEARCH HER CLICKETY-CLICK

Were (we're) With Friends -Part 1: Malaise

Recently, I was attracted to this girl, and I kinda failed. Well, not really- because I didn't really put forth a solid effort- well, whatever. The point is, I ended up in that foul region of platonic hell that most guys dread.

 THE FRIEND ZONE

First, let's recognize exactly what the 'friend zone' is. See, the way I've observed it- women aren't so black and white as we are, they can't do it anywhere and anytime as easily as we can because with them it usually comes with an onslaught of other dizzying and (to us) totally unnecessary emotions. So to most women, a male friend is the best of both worlds. She can get all the shoulder crying, strength, solid advice, concrete decision making, common sense (usually) and etc. without the web of hormonal problems that sex brings to the table. Men aren't usually strapped with the same mentally crippling thoughts that women are- in fact it's kinda the opposite. Guy likes girl, he wants to express his feelings between the sheets. Case closed. 


In some cases- it seems like the female brain can't process that kind of rationale. Instead, it almost instantaneously segregates any man it meets into two categories. Either he's a lover, or a friend. (Now it's quite possible that one man can in the course of that relationship fulfill both roles, however this is usually the result of the male either breaking through the friend zone, or being demoted to the friend zone once it's revealed that he can't handle the former.) Once the woman has quarantined you over to the friend camp, it's all but impossible for her to see you in any other light. What makes it worse is how she kinda forces you to still act like the dicks she's currently "sexploiting"- YOU KNOW- paying for her meals, getting that thing she likes, lifting that heavy couch she just bought, all without the fringe benefit of tapping that ass.



A lot of guys foolishly believe that if they act like that great friend, or romantic counselor, they can "sneak past" the defenses into her heart, or at least their underwear. In my experience, this only works in movies and crazy women.
...and then there are times when your timing just fucking sucks. She just got out of a shitty relationship- or she's an emotional cripple or whatever. Either way, you're all liking her and shit and she's just looking to drown her sorrows and make some slutty decisions without blatantly being slutty. ...and you're too fucking busy trying to be Prince Charming.


Whatever the case may be- it's my belief that if you get put into one, ABORT. 
However, maybe you really and truly like this woman and you want to give it your all without being a psycho stalker who just can't take a hint. We have to first identify if you are in the friend zone. In this chapter of this topic, I will show you what I think are MY tell signs if you've been "ZONED" (as my friends call it)
(starting from the most obvious)


1. She be drooling over other guys.
Yeah, that's when you take her out and she casually mentions how cute the guy who poured her beer was, or she proudly states how the guy who goes in the back to get her shoe can give her a baby, or how the guy who counted her deposit at the bank makes her want to church faint...etc. etc.

2. When you hang out, she brings a third wheel. 
So... you asked her out. You bragged to all your friends that you two were gonna kick it. SWEET. You go meet up with her, and Ohhhhhh...she's bringing her best friend... or her roommate....or her co-worker... 


3. She doesn't touch you.
 ...and by this I mean, she doesn't casually slap your knee when she's laughing, she doesn't put her arm around you when posing for pictures, no contact whatsoever. Maybe she hugs you when she's leaving your presence, but that's it. She's not touching you, bro. You know what I'm talking 'bout.


4. She asks you for favors.
She got you helping her move, and lifting boxes and  shit... she got you giving her rides... she got you letting her borrow money, and you're just an awesome buddy. Good lookin' out kid!


5. She keeps a weird distance in public.
Okay, so maybe she DID invite you to the bar she was at. But it's not your bad jokes that has her sitting at the table while you're on the dance floor...and speaking of your bad jokes...


6. She doesn't laugh at your corny/tasteless jokes
Usually girls that are into you give you sympathy chuckles when you're stinking up the car with your horrible Tosh.O impersonations, but all she's giving you is the cue to shut the fuck up. 

7. She doesn't do anything you're interested in
Every time you suggest something, she tells you that it sounds cool, but she never actually participates in the activity. Something always comes up, or she says it's too hard to figure out. In some cases, she may just straight up and down say she doesn't care for the activity. Either way, she ain't down.


8. She talks about other girls you should be interested in
If she's really trying to hook you up with her friend, then she's not concerned with taking you off the shelf herself. This also applies with her coaxing you to man up and talk to the girl that just walked past- or coaching you to prepare for the next girl that comes along. 



9. There's no awkward moments... or sexual tension
You feel awkward because you 're nervous and you're hoping today is the day that you say something magical that will finally give you a tour of her baby factory. She barely even notices it. She mentions to you when she takes shits, and she probably picks her nose in front of you. It's all good, because she doesn't need to be sexy for YOU. You're her buddy!


10. She introduces you to others as: "This is my friend..."

Finally, the most obvious and sometimes vital clue. Like men, a lot of women approach that weird dating phase of new relationships the same way men do.Usually, when you're not sure what a person is, or when a person isn't that endearing to you it shows when you introduce them to others. Seriously. Look for it next time you're out and about. Notice how you may something like, "Hey Joe! This is Lisa. She works with me." with some folk, and "Hey Joe! This is my homegirl Kelly!" with others. 
She blatantly labelled you as a friend to whoever she introduced you to. Unless she agreed with you prior that your affair would be secret, Game Over, bro. Game Over.


And that's pretty much it. (Well, at least from my perspective) If you're experiencing 2-3 of any combination of those, chances are you've been ZONED. But don't worry. It's not the end of the world. Now that you can recognize the signs, it's time to ditch that dead end and bounce to something new. However... maybe you're a stubborn SOB and you refuse to let this one go. Maybe she's got a snatch made of platinum. I don't know. Hopefully, that's your excuse. And if it is...then mosey on over to Part 2. CLICK HERE

Amazing Tescadero #15 (...you never forget Gwen Stacy)

I tweeted yesterday I was in a good mood today because "Gwen Stacy contacted me- wanting to go out", it occurred to me that my non-comic fans have no clue the significance of that statement. Well. Here goes.

ALL OF THE LIGHTS...all of the lights...

"All of the Lights" - Kanye West (My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy)

featuring: (No, seriously-) Rihanna, Kid Cudi, Tony Williams, The-Dream, Charlie Wilson, John Legend, Elly Jackson (La Roux), Alicia Keys, Elton John, Fergie, Ryan Leslie, Drake, Alvin Fields, and Ken Lewis

The music video was released today, kinda reminds me of everything Daft Punk and 'Enter the Void'



Gaspar Noe's - Enter the Void  intro. ...What do you think?

I'm upset that this song is a single- which means it'll be overplayed and outdated in about a week. But when I heard it played on the radio I looked at the bright side, which was- anticipate the video.
I'm a tad upset. Don't get me wrong, I'm overall satisfied with the video even though you may get an epileptic seizure if you watch it more than once.

My problems lie in that it has too much 'HYPE' (that's a pun) ... I mean, must we see HIS name in lights as well? I know he's directed countless hot as fuck videos, but dude. It's Kanye and 15 other superstar's shine, not Hype. Let us know once, really fast. We get it.

...also I was looking forward to seeing more than just Cudi. ...I know it's far fetched to expect all those stars, but wouldn't it have been STELLAR?

Just think about how cool it would've been to see Fergie's ass in one of those ridiculous Will.i.am outfits with lasers firing in the background belting about doing "that line"
Elton John in his most colorful outfit and bedazzled shades with Alicia Keys going back and forth on dueling neon trimmed pianos/keyboards...
Wheelchair Jimmy fading in at half opacity to sing/talk "we're going all the way this time"
The Dream and Charlie Wilson in front of a Vegas Casino with the mandatory video sluts in slow motion...

Man. Total Awesomeness FAIL.

...you don't think so?

Finally...Rihanna. I can see how most dudes are pleased with the gratuitous eye candy, but I wasn't. Go far, far away woman. I'm just really tired of her. I thought it was just her voice that's monotone, but apparently her face is as well.

Yeah, I said it. I ain't afraid of you motherfuckers. Hate my opinion.