The Naked Man... #fail

Ok. So I've explained to you what 'The Naked Man' is, right? Well, it's when you take advantage of a distraction in order to shed your clothing and surprise your date with nakedness in the hope of receiving sex by means of humor, pity, stupidity or sheer spontaneity. 


So- last night held a little happy hour meet up function at McFadden's in Foggy Bottom. I invited a couple friends and family members, and amongst the invited was this girl who I was attracted to, but slam dunked me into the friend zone. Which I don't have a problem with, in fact I've been treating her like a bro ever since. So last night, I get ridiculously hammered, and after the happy hour was over, we (her and I) were supposed to me the rest of the guests at The Mighty Pint.


Unfortunately, that didn't work at all. But that didn't stop her and i from drinking...or so I think. The details are fuzzy. Anyway, after a random trip to McDonald's and some other food spot to settle the drunk munchies, we make it back to her car. She suggests that I crash at her place, and I don't know what the fuck I was thinking but I decided half assed that this would be THE perfect opportunity to perform 'The Naked Man' so I immediately strip when she left the room, got into my centerfold pose (the pose in the picture) and then...


...yeah. The downside to the naked man, is that only works 2/3 times. 
I guess last night was the third time. I definitely woke up in the morning still naked, and she was fully clothed... with a belt on. 


I wonder how I'm gonna face her next... LMAO


#FAIL #LULZ #SHAMELESS

Liquid Tescadero... and the Gooey Kablooie

Ladies and Gentlemen, Liquid Tescadero has RETURNED.

Unfamiliar with just who 'Liquid' is? 

Well, let me go back a bit. 'Liquid' is a reference to the video game Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes.  The protagonist of the game, Solid Snake is pulled from retirement and forced back into participation in a top secret military conflict because his old unit has taken a military base hostage. The leader of Solid's old unit and the antagonist, in charge of the entire coup- is a mysterious shadowy figure also going by the code name Solid Snake. When you finally reach the end of the game, it's revealed that the antagonist is none other than the equally skilled, and up to this point unknown to the majority of the world, twin brother of Solid, Liquid Snake. ( Sounds cliche, but actually- it's beyond awesome.)

Anyways, a couple years back I was working at a bar on Capitol Hill where I'd foolishly, with the help of drunken nights, gotten involved in a sexual relationship with 3 different women simultaneously, and become the superstar of the rumor mill. It wasn't long before all three women suspected I was shagging them on a weekly basis. Of course, in the AMs I denied these preposterous accusations of sleeping around and acting a fool in nearby bars. It got so bad, one girl actually asked me- "Honestly, Tony...do you have a brother or something out there?- because people say they saw you, but I know you were home because we were on the phone!"

Exactly. As if mobile phones...aren't mobile. So Liquid Tescadero was born from THAT moment. 

I thought I banished that demon to the nether regions, over the past couple years, but he reared his ugly head the other day by going on a three day bender, and hooking up with a random girl he met at the bar. Only to feed into her advances, go back to her place- and meet her live in boyfriend and his lacrosse buddies... or rather be chased down the road by them.  It WAS not a happy meeting. Time will tell when the bastard will show up again, but I'll let you know definitely.

Now. I'm going to tell you this, and I'll know you read it here- because I WILL NOT repeat this out loud, EVER. Last Wednesday after I left the Moombahton Massive 2 party at U Street Music Hall, I'm walking down Florida Avenue- trying to powerwalk- because I really have to go pee and there's not a decent alley anywhere. Plus I'm totally exhausted, drunk and pumped from a full night of banging beats, slam dancing, and controlling the crowd- when a girl pulls up next to me and offers me a ride home. She mentions that she recognizes me from the Massive and asks me for the CD I was teasing the crowd with. I'm like sure, and we flirt about longer. I feel bad because at this point there was a girl I was trying to date- and I knew I was going to make out with this girl. So I did my customary "drop me off at the corner down the street from my place" (it's a maneuver, not what I said out loud.) ...it only took about thirty seconds before we're making out in her front seats. I'm feeling her up and I'm too busy fondling her nipple ring to stop her from roughly pulling on my dick...

...and me peeing on her.

Liquid: 1
Random black guy running out of screaming girl's car: ZERO.

A Festivus... for the rest of us!

Because of my own demented upbringing, I don't celebrate Christmas. I haven't celebrated that foul 'holiday' since I was 14. I'll never celebrate it again. At first, I just embraced my inner grinch and stayed away from folk who decided to share their merriment with everyone. Then one day in 1997, I saw the answer.

It was in an episode of Seinfeld called, 'The Strike'
The answer was the very real holiday introduced in the episode: Festivus
Now, every year I try to get more and more folk to celebrate this wonderful holiday with me by explaining to them via a blog entry exactly how it's done. (That is, if they haven't seen the episode.) This is this year's explanation.

How to celebrate Festivus.
Level of difficulty: Low
Requirements: Friends/Family, An Alluminum Pole, holiday food, An athletic supporter (optional)

1. Festivus Dinner: Festivus is celebrated on the eve of December 23rd. The participants shall gather wherever the pole aluminum pole will be showcased, (the pole has no actual purpose, it's just a clever replacement for a Christmas tree) to partake in the Festivus dinner. A classic example of Festivus dinner spread is meatloaf or ham, with a cake decorated with M&M's. The less care put into it, the better.
2. The Airing of Grievances: Immediately after dinner is served, everyone takes turns lashing out at others and the world about how they have been dissapointed all year.
3. The Feats of Strength: The final tradition of Festivus, which takes place (during the dinner or immediately after it) The head of the household (or the host of the event) selects one person at the celebration, and challenges that person to a wrestling match. The person may decline the match however, tradition states Festivus is not over until the head of the household has been pinned in a wrestling match. Failing to pin the head of the household, results in Festivus continuing until the requirement is met.

That's it! Another tradition is the identifying of "Festivus Miracles" which some negative people have said is simply the labelling of easily explainable events.


...death to those guys. Hope you all celebrate!

They're coming... as fast as they can.

I never understood the people that needed to be in a relationship. Like, needed the shit. You know, the people that get out of one relationship, and before you can blink are knee deep in the next one. That has always bugged me. It's almost as if in their rush to have someone love them, they forgot to be loved by the most important person in the equation: themselves.

How can you understand and want to be with someone else when you aren't even sure what it is that makes you tick? Do you know what your favorite book is? Do you know if you like to watch the leaves turn from green to autumn red in the solidarity of your favorite trail? Do you know if you like to simply cut on some Jack Johnson and sit on the shitter 40 minutes longer than you actually have to?

Nah. You don't... but I bet you know what several of your exes like to do, and what makes them happy.

I just don't understand that.
If you can't tolerate your own shortcomings- what makes you think you can tolerate someone else's?
Who said you had to be married and bearing child at 25?

It's my belief that a lot of folk have taken the desire to be happy, and be connected to someone, so far that they jump directly into the arms of the first person that appears to give a damn. Then they're all miserable when it doesn't work out. I get my share of shit talk because I've slept with X amount of women at my age, with not many major relationships but really, it's just as bad as you being 'in love' that many times at the same age. That's not the way it should be at all. The way I'm playing this game, I plan to be in love no more than 3 times. The love of my life, will be THE love of my life.
You shouldn't have to settle for something just because that's what's available. You deserve what fits you. If for no other reason than simply because you're investing the greatest currency you will ever own on this Earth. Your time. Spend it wisely.

Learn yourself, love yourself, then learn and love someone else. Take your time. It's not conceited to be sure of what you want and determined to get it. It's tenacious. Go for it. Stop giving 100% to everyone that comes along, because you won't have anything left for the right one. I personally don't believe in soulmates- (you know-that person born to be with you.) but I do believe that there's someone out there that will compliment ever color and style you showcase. Wait for them. They are coming as fast as they can.

...or at least, that's how I feel.

[clip from "How I Met Your Mother" Season 4, Episode 23- As Fast As She Can]

Hey Kim...WHY YOU SO MAD?

Gone are the days where we could all laugh at the Bad Boy D-dot 'Mad Rapper' interludes... 
oh wait. You don't know about The Mad Rapper? 


...this is exactly my damn point. Let's go back a bit. 
As usual, here's my disclaimer- THIS blog is about hip-hop, more specifically Lil' Kim & Nicki Minaj. So if you don't care for neither, or more importantly if you can't respect my opinion, Fuck off.)


Ok. So their 'disagreement' is blowing up news articles and websites everywhere. However, the common idea when you read these stories is that Lil' Kim is a washed-up femcee who is angry because she has to pass the crown to the younger and seemingly on top of the world Nicki Minaj. This is bullshit. It's not that at all. 


Let's face facts. The most successful femcee technically is Missy Elliott. Her 'Under Construction' album supposedly pushed 2.1 million copies while Lil' Kim's Hard Core as far I can dig up only pushed 2. (Sure, Lauryn Hill's 'The Miseducation...' went 8 times platinum, but for the last time- that was NOT a rap album.) So WHAT makes Lil' Kim SO important??
What's the thing that sets Kim aside from all the other femcees BEFORE her? 


Lil' Kim has more emulators than any other femcee EVER.

Nicki Minaj hit the scene a couple years ago and according to the legend, posted her rhymes on MySpace and slowly built her fan base. Finally, she was heard by Lil' Wayne and he made her a star. This is the typical rags to riches story for this digital generation. The same generation that BELIEVES the idea that if a wack emcee sells 9 million, he's better than the black fat emcee that sells 100K. (...see what I did there? If you don't: That's a Biggie line.) This internet age. Who, by the way are only impressed with 'punchline flow' or 'hashtag rap' and tales of an emcee's bank account. These are the same children and young adults who are confused when the media makes a big deal out of this debacle. According to them, Lil' Kim has "no good shit." She's never done anything of any importance." or "She only knows how to rhyme about dicks."  The only Kim they know is appearing on 'Dancing with the Stars'-Kim, 'Spit a couple mediocre bars on a guest feature'-Kim, or 'Post plastic surgery- what happened to her?'-Kim, or... 'Needs to move on from Biggie's death'-Kim.


They know nothing of the 'black Erica Kane', 'The Big Momma, Queen B'. The femcee who coined this "Barbie" trend that Nicki and her Stans seem to enjoy SO much. (which, by the way- some of you MEN ought to be ashamed of your damn selves.)


Yeah- don't think I haven't noticed. 
How can this generation NOT notice that most of Lil' Kim's male fans wanted to fuck her. (even Kanye, who dropped a Dreams of fuckin' Lil' Kim track NOT TOO long ago.) While, most of Nicki's male fans want to be her.

Oh.

What this internet generation don't understand is, this is more than the 'homage' that Kim claimed it was about back when this 'beef' was subliminal. She can claim that's what it is all she wants... but I feel it's MORE about what's due, and a little bit of Kim's feelings being hurt. This generation has already proven that their attention span is small as a gnat (see: BET and VIBE's recent hottest emcee's of all time list. If you're over the age of 25 you'll be disgusted.) 

  

Nicki Minaj is like that person who comes and blatantly takes your seat when you got up to go to the restroom, or ate half the pizza you bought yesterday and attempts to take the last slice in the morning.That's why Kim is mad. Sure, it may seem petty to all of us... especially with my spur of the moment analogies, but that's how Kim feels. And YOU'D feel the same way too. You know that feeling... 'There were three other urinals available- you came and pissed directly in mine.' Some will argue, 'Oh, there's nothing new under the sun' and 'rap/hip-hop is built on dick riding and sampling' - however this generation takes the forgiving and allowing of those sayings way. too. far.


Think I'm lying? 
Remember Ja Rule? He carved a name out for himself, had his one lane in the bowling alley that is mainstream hip-hop, and then 50 Cent came along and well, did pretty much the exact same fucking thing Ja Rule was doing. Then the same people that were buying Ja's shit ALL OF A SUDDEN felt that Ja was wack, his style was garbage, and then they ran and supported 50 and his imitation of Ja. Even the NOT so obvious. Look at Drake. (*ahem* aka Wheelchair Jimmy- google it) He's greatly Joe Budden inspired, (except he sings.) Lyrically, he can't fill Budden's shoes by far, but he DEFINITELY took a page from Budden and said let me feel SUPER BAD for broads on MY mixtapes. Now he's winning Grammys for it.  ...and Budden? Well...ya'll never heard of HIS troubles. Even though they have a MILLION PLUS hits on YouTube. See: Closure-Ordinary Love Shit Part 3 (Fuck it. See ALL THREE parts.) But...let this generation explain Jimmy to you, and they'll say, "Nahhh Drake's emo he has feelings. He's deep." and then a true hip-hop head like me will say, "Have you not heard MOOD MUZIK 1-4??!! The shit is called MOOD Muzik!"


*sigh*
Consider this: when Lil' Mama came out with her femcee b-boy style ya'll bashed her. Willow Smith's drops her video, which is EVERYTHING of what Lil' Mama was doing, yet instead of laughing at her also, you guys thought it was the GREATEST. 
Wtf? I guess this is the travesty I'm talking about. This generation will glorify whoever sits in better graces with the media- regardless whether it's good or bad media... 


If someone's talking about them= they're hot.
"There's no such thing as bad publicity..."




Nicki came out of the gates a weird amalgam of Lil' Kim/Foxy. Hands down. (Hell, she even shares Foxy's heritage.) Go look at her old videos. She soon evolved into some weird Wayne/Drake/Kim combination with a dash of Da Brat. (Yeah, Da Brat. That's where those facial expressions and animated gyrations come from. Once again, this generation doesn't remember that Hard Core, was shitted on daily by chauvinistic, insecure male rappers, conservative media, and just about EVERYONE (except hip-hop news)  especially the EXACT SAME media sources that now praise Nicki Minaj. KIM was shitted on daily by parents, pastors, politicians, EVERYONE was calling her every type of crazy, tacky, clownish, whore. (Which kinda reminds me Lisa Lopez's stance on the media...) They criticized her goofy outfits, and sex-fueled maniacal antics... 
But NOW the shit is cool. 
This is why Kim is mad! Kim did the work, Nicki swoops in and takes the glory. This is why these kind of things never came up with fellow femcees Eve, (Kim and Eve's beef was small- they patched up quite nicely not long after.) Rah Digga, Da Brat, Left Eye, Remy Ma, (Well, they had some quick words... but really- Remy beefs with everyone. She's a battle rapper.) Trina, Mia X... none of them...only Foxy Brown. Foxy Brown another Afro-Trinidadian half breed, who like Minaj also copied Kim's blueprint, all the way down to being on the arm of a hustler BK emcee. (Jay-Z, who *sidenote* himself openly admits he bites Biggie.)


See the trend here? (Let me help you- Ride the arm of a MADE MAN. Foxy=Jay Minaj=Wayne) 

Hey! Are you ignoring the pictures posted all over this blog? We could bring up Kim's body work... Oh, but Nicki got body work too. Hmm. Nicki has a British accent/another persona on some of her tracks. Oh. Ya'll don't remember Kim's Jamaican accents or her split persona/time of the month 730 mode, 'Aunt Dot'? (see: The Notorious KIM) 


So now- What are left with? Is it the realization that if folk got paid for biting styles, then most beefs wouldn't exist? Maybe. (Hell, if most rappers openly admitted they bit more than just lines, but entire character imitation, then beefs probably wouldn't exist.) Kim's entire persona was shoplifted from her and at this present moment, the culprit can outrap her in the spotlight. In an industry where there never has been, nor will there ever be two of the same gimmick, Kim opened the door- and Nicki's trying to lock her out. What the fuck. I don't condone violence or anything like that in hip-hop, but I do appreciate rap beefs. A true emcee can battle. So has been proven by KRS-One, Uncle L, Chuck D, and even Jay. (I had to throw someone in that THIS generation knows) This particular beef I appreciate greatly because it reminds these children and forgetful adults that hip-hop did not start in 2005, and Lil' Wayne and Drake definitely ARE NOT in the top ten of the greatest emcees. (shame on you, BET.) 


The sad part is... it's hard to see this one having a happy ending, especially after hearing on Kim's diss track, Black Friday [1] "this the type of shit the other bitch almost got killed for." Yes, Kim went to jail for perjury, but don't forget it stemmed from an incident because of her Foxy Brown beef. 


(...oh. this generation forgot that too. [2] )


I have to leave you with this. My favorite femcee of all time is MC Lyte. So take that, you Minaj stans. I'm not here to blow up Lil' Kim as a blind fan. I'm telling it like it is. It's not hate, it's truth.


So Kim. ...tell 'em why you mad, son!


Random listening for this generation who have no the real idea who Lil' Kim is:

Albums:
Hard Core- Lil' Kim, 1996

Conspiracy- Junior M.A.F.I.A., 1995

La Bella Mafia- Lil' Kim, 2003

Singles:
Money Talks- Lil' Kim feat. Timbaland, Lil' Cease, and Andrea Martin
1997 (Money Talks Soundtrack)

Features:
Another- The Notorious B.I.G., 1997 (Life After Death)
Quiet Storm [Remix]- Mobb Deep, 1999 (Murda Muzik)
Get Money [Remix]- Junior Mafia, 1995 (Conspiracy 12")
Will They Die 4 You- Mase, 1997 (Harlem World)



The final nail in the coffin... Kim never needed ass implants. 

Oh. Just in case you thought I was lying about that 'Barbie' shit...here's a pre- "The Jumpoff" mention from '99. (There was another huge mention in Essence magazine in the 90's...but I can't find it) This song by Methods of Mayhem feat. Lil' Kim, George Clinton and Fred Durst. Peep what she calls herself in her verse...





[1] Lil' Kim's Response: Black Friday (to Nicki's 'Roman's Revenge')
[2] Lil' Kim and Fox Brown beef gets out of hand