Friday, December 25, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Collision [Tears are]
Hey. I've been toiling away at this dream of a book, trying to make it a reality and forgetting my first baby. YOU. So I'm checking in because believe me, it may not seem like it, but this shit is theraputic as a motherfucker. Where do I begin? Well, I guess I should start with [past] me. I was ready to let her in. However, she had other plans. I foolishly bought her that gift and told her how I felt and she kindly brushed me off. Stopped talking to me. Started dating a model/bodybuilder. Stop me if you've heard this one. Oh...you have. "The Shape of Things To Come" (read back) except... I totally misunderstood. They aren't engaged. She's pregnant.
I hurt a girl I was "dating." She loves me and I don't even really love myself, let alone her- so she gets shelved like the rest of them. She says the walls I built to protect myself will become my prison. Is she right? There is another girl... I have absolutely nothing in common with, our time together doesn't stand out, it's kinda limp...but she's annoyingly cheery like Kandice was. So, I psuedo-like her.
And I was NOT supposed to re-visit there.
My friend is newfound homeless. He needs the money I've been saving more than I do. Merry Christmas. I have a good job. Oh yeah, I quit that like a raging lunatic today.
Isn't that funny?
I hate it when my "cup runneth over" because then I experience the natural range of human emotion, I'm no longer in complete control of what I say or do, and then, I'm capable of 'falling down' if pushed; just like the rest of you. Dealing with being on probation, stuck in a city where everything/one is so...different and unforgiving, I finally snapped, and got into a fight.
And it feels like everything is spinning out of control. I'm unmotivated, and a little lost. I want a married woman, I can't figure out what I'm doing in my classes, and I'm losing grip on what I once considered priority. I'm lying about all the time, under the guise of working. It's almost like now I'm literally living in between dreams.
I doubt the guy will press charges, but that's not the point. The point is I shouldn't be fighting. Nobody should unless you absolutely have to, or you get paid for it. Especially over something as idiotic as pride.
And that's what this was all about. Pride. This guy was making fun of my drunk friend and the teasing turned to bullying and a warning turned into me punching the guy in the face. I should've walked away.
I need to exhale.
"Tears are often the telescope by which men see far into heaven."
-Henry Ward Beecher
I hurt a girl I was "dating." She loves me and I don't even really love myself, let alone her- so she gets shelved like the rest of them. She says the walls I built to protect myself will become my prison. Is she right? There is another girl... I have absolutely nothing in common with, our time together doesn't stand out, it's kinda limp...but she's annoyingly cheery like Kandice was. So, I psuedo-like her.
And I was NOT supposed to re-visit there.
My friend is newfound homeless. He needs the money I've been saving more than I do. Merry Christmas. I have a good job. Oh yeah, I quit that like a raging lunatic today.
Isn't that funny?
I hate it when my "cup runneth over" because then I experience the natural range of human emotion, I'm no longer in complete control of what I say or do, and then, I'm capable of 'falling down' if pushed; just like the rest of you. Dealing with being on probation, stuck in a city where everything/one is so...different and unforgiving, I finally snapped, and got into a fight.
And it feels like everything is spinning out of control. I'm unmotivated, and a little lost. I want a married woman, I can't figure out what I'm doing in my classes, and I'm losing grip on what I once considered priority. I'm lying about all the time, under the guise of working. It's almost like now I'm literally living in between dreams.
I doubt the guy will press charges, but that's not the point. The point is I shouldn't be fighting. Nobody should unless you absolutely have to, or you get paid for it. Especially over something as idiotic as pride.
And that's what this was all about. Pride. This guy was making fun of my drunk friend and the teasing turned to bullying and a warning turned into me punching the guy in the face. I should've walked away.
I need to exhale.
"Tears are often the telescope by which men see far into heaven."
-Henry Ward Beecher
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