So if you watched my video, 'The issue with Miss A' then you know there was a girl who asked me to stop contacting her, which I explained was nothing more than ridiculous drunk dials. I promptly removed her number from my phone to prevent THAT from happening. Cold hearted Tony is real ladies and gentlemen and he don't give a fuck.
So I went about on my business, never responded and blah blah. Tweetin and living.
Today I got another letter from her. Among the letter, was some shit I left in her care, school statements, pictures, a key and finally THE 'Thank You' card. Which 'Thank You' card, you ask?
THIS one. (Yes another re-post. SHAMELESS!)
Episode 41: The one with the "Thank You" card.
I may be an asshole, I may be a jerk or asinine at times; I may even be quite ignorant, wait I can go all day with this- The point is I may be a bunch of things, but you can't say that I don't try to be better at first. The ironic thing however, is that often, I can do rather mean/ignorant/brash things in the quest for the action. Case in point, the other week I was discussing with my co-workers about gratitude and appreciation. Somehow, sex entered the discussion and I shared with them a story of an event that took place in February. (You guys would've heard it, but I felt that whatever episode I ended up writing was a lot more interesting. Anyway, here it is. Now, the purpose of me posting an event that happened in Feb. Is because my co-workers and I got into it over was I wrong/right/stupid. I think I was doing something to show APPRECIATION.
Remember that.
One night in Feb, I'm on the phone with Moreno discussing how fine Hoopz from 'Flavor of Love' was. My other line beeps and it's a blast from the past, Roxanne. Now, she was going through a bit of a spat with her boyfriend and although she didn't want to admit it, she wanted a temporary fix. So I pick up and she wants to know if I'd like to come over for some lasagna; since she cooked extra. I live 13 mikes from her, haven't spoke to her in four months...yeah, "she cooked extra", alright. Now, I love Dandu to death, but in the choice between idle conversation and sex- ahem excuse me "lasagna" he loses. So, I hop in the bucket, my ride at the time, and make it to her place where needless to say I did the deed, and had disappointingly had no lasagna. The next day, I was in CVS with my cousin for he was looking for a Valentine's Day card for his girlfriend. I leafed through the different Hallmark "Get Well"s and "Happy Birthday"s until I stumbled across one in particular that read,
"You're AWESOME!!! Thanks for everything!" Now, I personally thought that was sweet in it's own little way especially with the added flair of "especially last night!" that I decided to add in pen under the quote. Throw in my sinlessly amazing smile, and I had to be gold. Hell, maybe a strong candidate for an encore.
I could not BE more wrong.
She opened the card with a playful smile on her face, that slowly vanished upon reading the message. And like a dork, I sat there with this big shit-eating grin...expecting a warm embrace. I instead got a cold shoulder, cold lasagna and a pillow for the couch.
Now, I ask you: Was I wrong?, or was she simply ungrateful?
-------------------
So now, I'm sad because I'm not sure if I should be hurt, or happy because I have a slice of awesomeness from my life back.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Tony
Just another old blog I'm going to re-post. Because I freaking love this speech. I often read it in the morning to remind myself of how life is filled with everything imaginable.
Episode 87: Advice, like youth... is probably wasted on the young
This speech, which I first mentioned in Episode 67... is probably one of the things I refer to when trying to navigate this life. Maybe you'll get something from it... maybe ya won't. If you want it for yourself, it's sold on iTunes...under this name "Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)" but the artist is listed as "Sun Tan" like I said earlier, the original author is a journalist for the Chicago Tribune named Mary Schmich. She described this as the graduation speech she'd give if ever asked. It also is now a book. Without further delay...
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '99:
Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now, how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. ...
You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blind sides you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
--- and btw, yes this was parodied by Chris Rock... in "No Sex (In the Champagne Room)
Episode 87: Advice, like youth... is probably wasted on the young
This speech, which I first mentioned in Episode 67... is probably one of the things I refer to when trying to navigate this life. Maybe you'll get something from it... maybe ya won't. If you want it for yourself, it's sold on iTunes...under this name "Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)" but the artist is listed as "Sun Tan" like I said earlier, the original author is a journalist for the Chicago Tribune named Mary Schmich. She described this as the graduation speech she'd give if ever asked. It also is now a book. Without further delay...
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '99:
Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now, how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. ...
You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blind sides you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
--- and btw, yes this was parodied by Chris Rock... in "No Sex (In the Champagne Room)
Thursday, October 8, 2009
The Hunting Party
Tonight I was out with a friend, and on my way back in to the house a squirrel jumped from the hedges in my front and latched onto my leg, ran down and took off into the next yard. This not only startled me a bit, but it reminded me of this little incident, which is a Vid favorite...
Episode 6: The One Where I Almost Lost My Dick (August 09, 2005)
"Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy... but it's very funny- Did you ever try to buy anything without money?" -Ogden Nash
Big fat shout out to the coolest bartender at Dave and Buster's in Rockville, MD!! Her name is Jadah and she hooks a brotha up. Next time you're there give her a holla and tip well!
My boy Brandon (B-Dubs!!) calls me up Sunday and he's like he wants to go grab a bite and chill. So I say, "Aight, Let's go the Buster's." Because anyone that knows me well, knows that I'm saving my points to win a flat screen TV from there. So we go grab our other partner, Kevin (Kem [pronounced KAY-UMM for all you non-ebonic readers]) So we get there, and on the way, B brings up this ex of mine that he really admired and I told him about how I heard she moved to GA, and was engaged and had a kid. I immediately felt blah and I decided not to play games, but rather hit the bar. Where Jadah kept the screwdrivers coming while I watched SportsCenter. So, I was little tipsy when B-dubs and Kem came from the game room and after laughing over the fact that Kem almost got pressed by this gorilla looking security guy we left the bar area. B and I were still laughin at the fact that the security guy was so huge that when he came to the bar, his knuckles rested on the bar and he just mean mugged Kem. Leaving the bar area, I didn't notice Kem had stopped to tie his shoe and coincidentally there was a older larger white woman walking where Kem should've been. So my slightly drunk ass, turns and in horror says, "Kem? Oh my GOD! Kem!" B catches the entire thing and laughter ensues. I'm sittin on the curb in tears at my stupidity. We're laughing so hard.
We're driving down the street and this car full of girls pulls up and looks at us. It seemed as though they were talking about us in their car, so Kem and I rolled down the windows to try to talk to them. Before I can say any FUCKING thing, Kem hollers out, "Hey girl, can you sit on my face?" and slumps his body in the backseat. So now I'm sitting there and it appears like I said that dumb shit and B is tryin his best to pretend he's on the phone and not apart of the whole scenario. That girl was so disgusted and all I could do was laugh, solidifying the assumption if I said that or not.
We get to Kem's house and we're headed to his room to watch some TV, so I need to pee, because of all the alcohol I just drank and what not. I go into Kem's bathroom and the lid is already lifted. I pull my meat out, and I notice a tube or something hanging out from behind the lid, and I stared at it for like a minute before realizing that Kem's toilet was broken and maybe that was the flushing mechanism hanging down. (When you drink... your common sense, judgement, and reaction are effected before ANYTHING else.) So, like 30 seconds later, I realize that
1) The flushing mechanism wouldn't be hanging out from the toilet and definitely not behind the lid.
2) The "tube" or whatever it was, was moving.
So, I (still peeing mind you) decide to look on the other side of the tube, behind the lid and see what it was.
IT WAS A FUCKING POSSUM.
That sonbitch jumped out from behind the lifted lid onto me, and I'm scared shitless, pissin all over the place he rolls off of me down my chest on my dick (Lord, have mercy... my genitals) and hits the floor. I'm still in shock that damn wildlfe is in this kid's bathroom. I run Mach 5 speed out that damn bathroom out the house into the street... dick still swingin. B and Kem are lookin at each other vowing to never let me and alcohol get together again. I tell them the story they don't believe me. All of a sudden we hear the squeals from the bathroom. So after arguing like three girls we decide to go investigate. Yep. Big ass possum behind the toilet. Kem left his damn bathroom window open all day. We all took turns deciding what to do. I offered to burn the house down, I mean, I figure those things carry deadly germs like rabies! But eventually the liquor and shock wore off, and I ended up going in, B behind me with a mallot. It took us 20 minutes to inch our cowardly ass into the five foot long bathroom and we finally mustered the courage to approach the animal. I used three pairs of Kem's socks as gloves and we rushed in grabbed the possum and tossed him back out the window.
From now on, I investigate all areas before pulling my dick out.
Episode 6: The One Where I Almost Lost My Dick (August 09, 2005)
"Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy... but it's very funny- Did you ever try to buy anything without money?" -Ogden Nash
Big fat shout out to the coolest bartender at Dave and Buster's in Rockville, MD!! Her name is Jadah and she hooks a brotha up. Next time you're there give her a holla and tip well!
My boy Brandon (B-Dubs!!) calls me up Sunday and he's like he wants to go grab a bite and chill. So I say, "Aight, Let's go the Buster's." Because anyone that knows me well, knows that I'm saving my points to win a flat screen TV from there. So we go grab our other partner, Kevin (Kem [pronounced KAY-UMM for all you non-ebonic readers]) So we get there, and on the way, B brings up this ex of mine that he really admired and I told him about how I heard she moved to GA, and was engaged and had a kid. I immediately felt blah and I decided not to play games, but rather hit the bar. Where Jadah kept the screwdrivers coming while I watched SportsCenter. So, I was little tipsy when B-dubs and Kem came from the game room and after laughing over the fact that Kem almost got pressed by this gorilla looking security guy we left the bar area. B and I were still laughin at the fact that the security guy was so huge that when he came to the bar, his knuckles rested on the bar and he just mean mugged Kem. Leaving the bar area, I didn't notice Kem had stopped to tie his shoe and coincidentally there was a older larger white woman walking where Kem should've been. So my slightly drunk ass, turns and in horror says, "Kem? Oh my GOD! Kem!" B catches the entire thing and laughter ensues. I'm sittin on the curb in tears at my stupidity. We're laughing so hard.
We're driving down the street and this car full of girls pulls up and looks at us. It seemed as though they were talking about us in their car, so Kem and I rolled down the windows to try to talk to them. Before I can say any FUCKING thing, Kem hollers out, "Hey girl, can you sit on my face?" and slumps his body in the backseat. So now I'm sitting there and it appears like I said that dumb shit and B is tryin his best to pretend he's on the phone and not apart of the whole scenario. That girl was so disgusted and all I could do was laugh, solidifying the assumption if I said that or not.
We get to Kem's house and we're headed to his room to watch some TV, so I need to pee, because of all the alcohol I just drank and what not. I go into Kem's bathroom and the lid is already lifted. I pull my meat out, and I notice a tube or something hanging out from behind the lid, and I stared at it for like a minute before realizing that Kem's toilet was broken and maybe that was the flushing mechanism hanging down. (When you drink... your common sense, judgement, and reaction are effected before ANYTHING else.) So, like 30 seconds later, I realize that
1) The flushing mechanism wouldn't be hanging out from the toilet and definitely not behind the lid.
2) The "tube" or whatever it was, was moving.
So, I (still peeing mind you) decide to look on the other side of the tube, behind the lid and see what it was.
IT WAS A FUCKING POSSUM.
That sonbitch jumped out from behind the lifted lid onto me, and I'm scared shitless, pissin all over the place he rolls off of me down my chest on my dick (Lord, have mercy... my genitals) and hits the floor. I'm still in shock that damn wildlfe is in this kid's bathroom. I run Mach 5 speed out that damn bathroom out the house into the street... dick still swingin. B and Kem are lookin at each other vowing to never let me and alcohol get together again. I tell them the story they don't believe me. All of a sudden we hear the squeals from the bathroom. So after arguing like three girls we decide to go investigate. Yep. Big ass possum behind the toilet. Kem left his damn bathroom window open all day. We all took turns deciding what to do. I offered to burn the house down, I mean, I figure those things carry deadly germs like rabies! But eventually the liquor and shock wore off, and I ended up going in, B behind me with a mallot. It took us 20 minutes to inch our cowardly ass into the five foot long bathroom and we finally mustered the courage to approach the animal. I used three pairs of Kem's socks as gloves and we rushed in grabbed the possum and tossed him back out the window.
From now on, I investigate all areas before pulling my dick out.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Three Minutes [Goes Unpunished]
So this story starts a while back. I'm not particularly sure exactly when... but I believe it was sometime in November last year. I decided to tag along again in one of those weird trips with my friend David, to go see his girlfriend Dominique in Hampton, Virginia where she attends school. Now, the reason I would go on these trips was because I had prior lived Hampton only a couple years before, and I still knew a great deal of people in the area. Especially my friend Vid. David and I are pretty close, so when we would make these trips, it would be in his car which I had a spare key to, and I would roam around catching up with folk and the whole lot while he would lay about cheesingly/romantically with his woman.
I had decided to take a trip to a club on the Newport News/Hampton line called "The Alley". Now, maybe I had way too many of those Hurricanes...(because that's the best drink they can make) and maybe I started the night with that double Three Wisemen. Maybe a random group of girls and I had a couple "Scooby Snacks" but...somehow I walked out of that club, with a girl, and walked over to the McDonald's across the street. When I got back to the car though... I could NOT find the car keys.
The girl had already left and the club was clearing out. I walked back in the club and backtracked my route to the Mickey D's. TWICE. I had been aimlessly drifting along West Mercury Blvd. debating whether to call Dave just for him to run the news past his girl and hear her trap- when this car pulls up and inside is this odd couple (male/ugly woman) who sees me shivering in the cold. They offer me a ride wherever I have to go. Now, I'm hammered and a tad nippy so I roll my eyes skyward and decline. They drive alongside me asking why I'm walking alone down this dark road and blah blah. I decide to tell them that I'm walking to my friend's house because my cop friend locked himself out his car. We're waiting for another cop with a slim jim. They suddenly pull over and tell me I can wait in the car while I'm waiting...or they can give me a ride back to the car with my friend. I say that's fine. I can walk back alone. But I will wait... in the car. (I had already called a tow truck for lockout assistance before they pulled up)
The girl surpisingly sounds mannish and they wanna know how old am I, what's my friend's name, am I from around there and blah blah. After a good three minutes of answering ridiculous semi-weird-stalkerish questions. I got freaked out because it suddenly hit me that I was about to get gang raped. So I jumped out the car and ran like the devil was chasing me. (An hour later, I discovered the key was in my fifth pocket. Damn you, jeans)
Fast forward to four hours ago. I'm in the CVS buying candy and Hot Pockets when there's a strange amalgam of a human being hovering behind me. The self-checkout machine is taking FOREVER. Then another guy comes up and he's like, "OMG! It's YOU! Did Dave ever find those keys? Where did you run to?" I'm like, "Huh?"
"What are you doing in DC?"
"Huh? I'm sorry-" then it hits me, who they are.
And I drop the candy and Hot Pocket and run home.
"A good deed never goes unpunished." -Gore Vidal
I had decided to take a trip to a club on the Newport News/Hampton line called "The Alley". Now, maybe I had way too many of those Hurricanes...(because that's the best drink they can make) and maybe I started the night with that double Three Wisemen. Maybe a random group of girls and I had a couple "Scooby Snacks" but...somehow I walked out of that club, with a girl, and walked over to the McDonald's across the street. When I got back to the car though... I could NOT find the car keys.
The girl had already left and the club was clearing out. I walked back in the club and backtracked my route to the Mickey D's. TWICE. I had been aimlessly drifting along West Mercury Blvd. debating whether to call Dave just for him to run the news past his girl and hear her trap- when this car pulls up and inside is this odd couple (male/ugly woman) who sees me shivering in the cold. They offer me a ride wherever I have to go. Now, I'm hammered and a tad nippy so I roll my eyes skyward and decline. They drive alongside me asking why I'm walking alone down this dark road and blah blah. I decide to tell them that I'm walking to my friend's house because my cop friend locked himself out his car. We're waiting for another cop with a slim jim. They suddenly pull over and tell me I can wait in the car while I'm waiting...or they can give me a ride back to the car with my friend. I say that's fine. I can walk back alone. But I will wait... in the car. (I had already called a tow truck for lockout assistance before they pulled up)
The girl surpisingly sounds mannish and they wanna know how old am I, what's my friend's name, am I from around there and blah blah. After a good three minutes of answering ridiculous semi-weird-stalkerish questions. I got freaked out because it suddenly hit me that I was about to get gang raped. So I jumped out the car and ran like the devil was chasing me. (An hour later, I discovered the key was in my fifth pocket. Damn you, jeans)
Fast forward to four hours ago. I'm in the CVS buying candy and Hot Pockets when there's a strange amalgam of a human being hovering behind me. The self-checkout machine is taking FOREVER. Then another guy comes up and he's like, "OMG! It's YOU! Did Dave ever find those keys? Where did you run to?" I'm like, "Huh?"
"What are you doing in DC?"
"Huh? I'm sorry-" then it hits me, who they are.
And I drop the candy and Hot Pocket and run home.
"A good deed never goes unpunished." -Gore Vidal
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