A Festivus... for the rest of us!

Because of my own demented upbringing, I don't celebrate Christmas. I haven't celebrated that foul 'holiday' since I was 14. I'll never celebrate it again. At first, I just embraced my inner grinch and stayed away from folk who decided to share their merriment with everyone. Then one day in 1997, I saw the answer.

It was in an episode of Seinfeld called, 'The Strike'
The answer was the very real holiday introduced in the episode: Festivus
Now, every year I try to get more and more folk to celebrate this wonderful holiday with me by explaining to them via a blog entry exactly how it's done. (That is, if they haven't seen the episode.) This is this year's explanation.

How to celebrate Festivus.
Level of difficulty: Low
Requirements: Friends/Family, An Alluminum Pole, holiday food, An athletic supporter (optional)

1. Festivus Dinner: Festivus is celebrated on the eve of December 23rd. The participants shall gather wherever the pole aluminum pole will be showcased, (the pole has no actual purpose, it's just a clever replacement for a Christmas tree) to partake in the Festivus dinner. A classic example of Festivus dinner spread is meatloaf or ham, with a cake decorated with M&M's. The less care put into it, the better.
2. The Airing of Grievances: Immediately after dinner is served, everyone takes turns lashing out at others and the world about how they have been dissapointed all year.
3. The Feats of Strength: The final tradition of Festivus, which takes place (during the dinner or immediately after it) The head of the household (or the host of the event) selects one person at the celebration, and challenges that person to a wrestling match. The person may decline the match however, tradition states Festivus is not over until the head of the household has been pinned in a wrestling match. Failing to pin the head of the household, results in Festivus continuing until the requirement is met.

That's it! Another tradition is the identifying of "Festivus Miracles" which some negative people have said is simply the labelling of easily explainable events.


...death to those guys. Hope you all celebrate!

They're coming... as fast as they can.

I never understood the people that needed to be in a relationship. Like, needed the shit. You know, the people that get out of one relationship, and before you can blink are knee deep in the next one. That has always bugged me. It's almost as if in their rush to have someone love them, they forgot to be loved by the most important person in the equation: themselves.

How can you understand and want to be with someone else when you aren't even sure what it is that makes you tick? Do you know what your favorite book is? Do you know if you like to watch the leaves turn from green to autumn red in the solidarity of your favorite trail? Do you know if you like to simply cut on some Jack Johnson and sit on the shitter 40 minutes longer than you actually have to?

Nah. You don't... but I bet you know what several of your exes like to do, and what makes them happy.

I just don't understand that.
If you can't tolerate your own shortcomings- what makes you think you can tolerate someone else's?
Who said you had to be married and bearing child at 25?

It's my belief that a lot of folk have taken the desire to be happy, and be connected to someone, so far that they jump directly into the arms of the first person that appears to give a damn. Then they're all miserable when it doesn't work out. I get my share of shit talk because I've slept with X amount of women at my age, with not many major relationships but really, it's just as bad as you being 'in love' that many times at the same age. That's not the way it should be at all. The way I'm playing this game, I plan to be in love no more than 3 times. The love of my life, will be THE love of my life.
You shouldn't have to settle for something just because that's what's available. You deserve what fits you. If for no other reason than simply because you're investing the greatest currency you will ever own on this Earth. Your time. Spend it wisely.

Learn yourself, love yourself, then learn and love someone else. Take your time. It's not conceited to be sure of what you want and determined to get it. It's tenacious. Go for it. Stop giving 100% to everyone that comes along, because you won't have anything left for the right one. I personally don't believe in soulmates- (you know-that person born to be with you.) but I do believe that there's someone out there that will compliment ever color and style you showcase. Wait for them. They are coming as fast as they can.

...or at least, that's how I feel.

[clip from "How I Met Your Mother" Season 4, Episode 23- As Fast As She Can]

Hey Kim...WHY YOU SO MAD?

Gone are the days where we could all laugh at the Bad Boy D-dot 'Mad Rapper' interludes... 
oh wait. You don't know about The Mad Rapper? 


...this is exactly my damn point. Let's go back a bit. 
As usual, here's my disclaimer- THIS blog is about hip-hop, more specifically Lil' Kim & Nicki Minaj. So if you don't care for neither, or more importantly if you can't respect my opinion, Fuck off.)


Ok. So their 'disagreement' is blowing up news articles and websites everywhere. However, the common idea when you read these stories is that Lil' Kim is a washed-up femcee who is angry because she has to pass the crown to the younger and seemingly on top of the world Nicki Minaj. This is bullshit. It's not that at all. 


Let's face facts. The most successful femcee technically is Missy Elliott. Her 'Under Construction' album supposedly pushed 2.1 million copies while Lil' Kim's Hard Core as far I can dig up only pushed 2. (Sure, Lauryn Hill's 'The Miseducation...' went 8 times platinum, but for the last time- that was NOT a rap album.) So WHAT makes Lil' Kim SO important??
What's the thing that sets Kim aside from all the other femcees BEFORE her? 


Lil' Kim has more emulators than any other femcee EVER.

Nicki Minaj hit the scene a couple years ago and according to the legend, posted her rhymes on MySpace and slowly built her fan base. Finally, she was heard by Lil' Wayne and he made her a star. This is the typical rags to riches story for this digital generation. The same generation that BELIEVES the idea that if a wack emcee sells 9 million, he's better than the black fat emcee that sells 100K. (...see what I did there? If you don't: That's a Biggie line.) This internet age. Who, by the way are only impressed with 'punchline flow' or 'hashtag rap' and tales of an emcee's bank account. These are the same children and young adults who are confused when the media makes a big deal out of this debacle. According to them, Lil' Kim has "no good shit." She's never done anything of any importance." or "She only knows how to rhyme about dicks."  The only Kim they know is appearing on 'Dancing with the Stars'-Kim, 'Spit a couple mediocre bars on a guest feature'-Kim, or 'Post plastic surgery- what happened to her?'-Kim, or... 'Needs to move on from Biggie's death'-Kim.


They know nothing of the 'black Erica Kane', 'The Big Momma, Queen B'. The femcee who coined this "Barbie" trend that Nicki and her Stans seem to enjoy SO much. (which, by the way- some of you MEN ought to be ashamed of your damn selves.)


Yeah- don't think I haven't noticed. 
How can this generation NOT notice that most of Lil' Kim's male fans wanted to fuck her. (even Kanye, who dropped a Dreams of fuckin' Lil' Kim track NOT TOO long ago.) While, most of Nicki's male fans want to be her.

Oh.

What this internet generation don't understand is, this is more than the 'homage' that Kim claimed it was about back when this 'beef' was subliminal. She can claim that's what it is all she wants... but I feel it's MORE about what's due, and a little bit of Kim's feelings being hurt. This generation has already proven that their attention span is small as a gnat (see: BET and VIBE's recent hottest emcee's of all time list. If you're over the age of 25 you'll be disgusted.) 

  

Nicki Minaj is like that person who comes and blatantly takes your seat when you got up to go to the restroom, or ate half the pizza you bought yesterday and attempts to take the last slice in the morning.That's why Kim is mad. Sure, it may seem petty to all of us... especially with my spur of the moment analogies, but that's how Kim feels. And YOU'D feel the same way too. You know that feeling... 'There were three other urinals available- you came and pissed directly in mine.' Some will argue, 'Oh, there's nothing new under the sun' and 'rap/hip-hop is built on dick riding and sampling' - however this generation takes the forgiving and allowing of those sayings way. too. far.


Think I'm lying? 
Remember Ja Rule? He carved a name out for himself, had his one lane in the bowling alley that is mainstream hip-hop, and then 50 Cent came along and well, did pretty much the exact same fucking thing Ja Rule was doing. Then the same people that were buying Ja's shit ALL OF A SUDDEN felt that Ja was wack, his style was garbage, and then they ran and supported 50 and his imitation of Ja. Even the NOT so obvious. Look at Drake. (*ahem* aka Wheelchair Jimmy- google it) He's greatly Joe Budden inspired, (except he sings.) Lyrically, he can't fill Budden's shoes by far, but he DEFINITELY took a page from Budden and said let me feel SUPER BAD for broads on MY mixtapes. Now he's winning Grammys for it.  ...and Budden? Well...ya'll never heard of HIS troubles. Even though they have a MILLION PLUS hits on YouTube. See: Closure-Ordinary Love Shit Part 3 (Fuck it. See ALL THREE parts.) But...let this generation explain Jimmy to you, and they'll say, "Nahhh Drake's emo he has feelings. He's deep." and then a true hip-hop head like me will say, "Have you not heard MOOD MUZIK 1-4??!! The shit is called MOOD Muzik!"


*sigh*
Consider this: when Lil' Mama came out with her femcee b-boy style ya'll bashed her. Willow Smith's drops her video, which is EVERYTHING of what Lil' Mama was doing, yet instead of laughing at her also, you guys thought it was the GREATEST. 
Wtf? I guess this is the travesty I'm talking about. This generation will glorify whoever sits in better graces with the media- regardless whether it's good or bad media... 


If someone's talking about them= they're hot.
"There's no such thing as bad publicity..."




Nicki came out of the gates a weird amalgam of Lil' Kim/Foxy. Hands down. (Hell, she even shares Foxy's heritage.) Go look at her old videos. She soon evolved into some weird Wayne/Drake/Kim combination with a dash of Da Brat. (Yeah, Da Brat. That's where those facial expressions and animated gyrations come from. Once again, this generation doesn't remember that Hard Core, was shitted on daily by chauvinistic, insecure male rappers, conservative media, and just about EVERYONE (except hip-hop news)  especially the EXACT SAME media sources that now praise Nicki Minaj. KIM was shitted on daily by parents, pastors, politicians, EVERYONE was calling her every type of crazy, tacky, clownish, whore. (Which kinda reminds me Lisa Lopez's stance on the media...) They criticized her goofy outfits, and sex-fueled maniacal antics... 
But NOW the shit is cool. 
This is why Kim is mad! Kim did the work, Nicki swoops in and takes the glory. This is why these kind of things never came up with fellow femcees Eve, (Kim and Eve's beef was small- they patched up quite nicely not long after.) Rah Digga, Da Brat, Left Eye, Remy Ma, (Well, they had some quick words... but really- Remy beefs with everyone. She's a battle rapper.) Trina, Mia X... none of them...only Foxy Brown. Foxy Brown another Afro-Trinidadian half breed, who like Minaj also copied Kim's blueprint, all the way down to being on the arm of a hustler BK emcee. (Jay-Z, who *sidenote* himself openly admits he bites Biggie.)


See the trend here? (Let me help you- Ride the arm of a MADE MAN. Foxy=Jay Minaj=Wayne) 

Hey! Are you ignoring the pictures posted all over this blog? We could bring up Kim's body work... Oh, but Nicki got body work too. Hmm. Nicki has a British accent/another persona on some of her tracks. Oh. Ya'll don't remember Kim's Jamaican accents or her split persona/time of the month 730 mode, 'Aunt Dot'? (see: The Notorious KIM) 


So now- What are left with? Is it the realization that if folk got paid for biting styles, then most beefs wouldn't exist? Maybe. (Hell, if most rappers openly admitted they bit more than just lines, but entire character imitation, then beefs probably wouldn't exist.) Kim's entire persona was shoplifted from her and at this present moment, the culprit can outrap her in the spotlight. In an industry where there never has been, nor will there ever be two of the same gimmick, Kim opened the door- and Nicki's trying to lock her out. What the fuck. I don't condone violence or anything like that in hip-hop, but I do appreciate rap beefs. A true emcee can battle. So has been proven by KRS-One, Uncle L, Chuck D, and even Jay. (I had to throw someone in that THIS generation knows) This particular beef I appreciate greatly because it reminds these children and forgetful adults that hip-hop did not start in 2005, and Lil' Wayne and Drake definitely ARE NOT in the top ten of the greatest emcees. (shame on you, BET.) 


The sad part is... it's hard to see this one having a happy ending, especially after hearing on Kim's diss track, Black Friday [1] "this the type of shit the other bitch almost got killed for." Yes, Kim went to jail for perjury, but don't forget it stemmed from an incident because of her Foxy Brown beef. 


(...oh. this generation forgot that too. [2] )


I have to leave you with this. My favorite femcee of all time is MC Lyte. So take that, you Minaj stans. I'm not here to blow up Lil' Kim as a blind fan. I'm telling it like it is. It's not hate, it's truth.


So Kim. ...tell 'em why you mad, son!


Random listening for this generation who have no the real idea who Lil' Kim is:

Albums:
Hard Core- Lil' Kim, 1996

Conspiracy- Junior M.A.F.I.A., 1995

La Bella Mafia- Lil' Kim, 2003

Singles:
Money Talks- Lil' Kim feat. Timbaland, Lil' Cease, and Andrea Martin
1997 (Money Talks Soundtrack)

Features:
Another- The Notorious B.I.G., 1997 (Life After Death)
Quiet Storm [Remix]- Mobb Deep, 1999 (Murda Muzik)
Get Money [Remix]- Junior Mafia, 1995 (Conspiracy 12")
Will They Die 4 You- Mase, 1997 (Harlem World)



The final nail in the coffin... Kim never needed ass implants. 

Oh. Just in case you thought I was lying about that 'Barbie' shit...here's a pre- "The Jumpoff" mention from '99. (There was another huge mention in Essence magazine in the 90's...but I can't find it) This song by Methods of Mayhem feat. Lil' Kim, George Clinton and Fred Durst. Peep what she calls herself in her verse...





[1] Lil' Kim's Response: Black Friday (to Nicki's 'Roman's Revenge')
[2] Lil' Kim and Fox Brown beef gets out of hand

I'm a mad MAD man

Everyone knows that art imitates life. (or the other way around if you're Oscar Wilde.)

Far too often I've compared myself with certain fictional characters to paint a better picture of myself to others. Hell, the opening lines of my Google bio claims I'm Chandler Bing, and Barney Stinson. I am quite sardonic, able to offer a sarcastic comment at any given time over an actual appropriate response. I'm am known for my long and colorful sexual past, and the exploits and scandals in pursuit of sex. Both characters can represent my dominant fear of commitment... and slight hesitation of trusting the female race to exhibit any true exposure.

I like to think that at times I'm drenched in sinister wit which would explain my fascination with Mark Twain.
Unfortunately, I'm not as bright as Mark Twain. If I were, I wouldn't attract the caliber of women that I attract. I'd attract Dorthy Parkers.

I mean that in the literal, and the Prince ballad sense.

Recently, I've been watching the AMC television series, Mad Men. It is without a doubt amazing.
It starts off slow like most great TV shows- but eventually you realize the characters are pretty cool. (especially if you count the 1960's as one, because the era totally is.)

The protagonist of the series is Don Draper, played by Jon Hamm.
As I get older, I'm seeing I am totally Don Draper.
Draper is decent and chivalrous, or at least appears to be since he doesn't participate in the locker room style sex drenched conversations the other men on the show take part in. Draper is always put together- appearing 90% of the time in a modest slim gray suit. Draper has immaculate posture, and concrete composure under fire. It becomes obvious after watching the show for a while that all of his... not so glamorous qualities (his constant smoking, drinking and sporadic infidelity) are probably his way of dealing with inner turmoil.

Yeah. Tescadero totally does those things as well.
In fact, (and maybe because Draper is a serious character compared to Bing and Stinson) I see more of myself in Draper's actions than I do them. Yeah, Draper never shows a humorous side, and if he does it's a cryptic kind of comment or action towards someone. Draper also displays loyalty and discretion with people he considers friends (like keeping Sal's secret a secret.) He seems to develop strategies a lot, and even has a shady past. (Kind of reminiscent of The Great Gatsby, actually)

I've always been known as a guy who'll sleep around, and desire a plethora of women- without ever actually offering my heart to any of them. I have been, and constantly will be (despite my hostile attitude towards most of them) a solid vault. I'm pretty loyal... almost to the point where I question my own sanity for aligning myself with some of the fools I call friends. I may not smoke, but as a former bartending co-worker of mine said, I have a steel stomach. I'm a leader, (more so because I hate following) and often like Cyclops (from X-Men) my thought process is at its best in tense situations. I've discovered through life that the less time I have to think about a decision, the better that decision is.

I can go on and on, about Mr. Draper- and a couple other fictional characters, not because I'm into living fantasies- but rather mapping out my life- or how i may be later in life, through art... because it imitates life. Or something else... according to Wilde.

So, in other words- this had no actual point.

For Your Consideration...

There used to be a time when real musicians existed.
Ok, that was harsh. But the 90's wasn't only the mecca for hip-hop- it was the era for some of the most unique expression ever in my opinion. It wasn't overly creative, or new- but it was definitely loving.

One of the most overlooked staples of the early nineties and the signature of the whole "Generation X" movement was a little pseudo documentary film called, "Reality Bites" By itself, the movie is GREAT. It's actually Ben Stiller's directorial debut. Anyway...

This song was the lead single of the film's soundtrack. "Stay (I Missed You.)" by Lisa Loeb [& Nine Stories] Enjoy. ...and after you're done, ask yourself have you heard anything recent this touching/simple?

Click Here to buy: "Reality Bites"

Random Malaise 001

If I had to think of something I wanted for my birthday... ( 29 Nov.)

It'd be the "Back to the Future Trilogy" Blu-Ray. I'd like other shit. But c'mon... I'll be realistic. Can I just has this?
It really is one of my favorite movies for various reasons... so I'm not being sarcastic by placing this under "malaise" The actual reason this is here is because I'm sick of being the guy who lives a detached life, yet gets great gifts for folks-
...while I get crap... or nothing.

...so let's make it easy. And THAT'S sad.

Click here for other GREAT shit you can get me.   (Shameless, right?)

You will fail here...

POWERFUL!

This is one of my favorite speeches to listen/read whenever I need that little push...or whatever. I hope you take from it everything I did.

30 Days, 30 Letters- Day 28: Someone That Changed Your Life

Well, the funny thing is you probably don't even know why you're the topic of this letter. 
Ya see, I think there's a small part of you that displays this whole master (me)/ protégé (you)... and maybe I am.
However, I'd be lying if I said you haven't helped me too.


When I met you I was a bit... hostile.
I was trying to find some type of purpose for this mess of a life I've drawn for myself. I was a battered soldier, sleepless- haunted by dreams of dead enemies, and torn because a certain girl that promised me forever ran off with some other guy. Not to mention I couldn't feel anything. 


Then. 
I met you... which was okay. Especially seeing how I had no intention other than to use you for the free rides to and from work. But then I discovered your odd naivete... which piqued my curiosity... but more than that, it brought out a calming demeanor. Why? Because your interest in my conquests helped me envision you doing the same shit- out of some bizarre awe... only to discover that there's more pain involved in mindless sex than glory. That's the last thing I needed: some kid living vicariously through me and driving his life down the shitter as a result. 


So.
I've since abandoned the why I started speaking to you campaign, and we've had our own adventures.  
Maybe that means nothing...or it seems small, but then I think about what could have happened. 
Well, I could have- and probably would have gotten into that fight outside with that dork. Same thing for sleeping with that really slutty girl that worked with us- and ended up with drama, a disease, or worse, (hypothetically) a rape charge. Or... I could have done like I wanted and turned that guy's house into a crime scene when he attempted to steal my iPod. ...however, I could not, because you were there to prevent that. Let's not forget how your rather, cheesy, sappy ass treating of your paramours has somehow imprinted into me.  Oh, you haven't noticed? Yeah, rumor has it- I have a girlfriend now. I haven't had one of those in a long time...and the only thing that's changed for me is my age, my belt size ... oh and like I said. You. Don't feel bad. Nobody else has put that together either. Well... maybe one, but he's always been blessed with the gift of foresight. I mean he did save my life. 


...nevertheless. There you have it. I've brought you into the inner workings of me, and I feel as though you fit perfectly. You were the first of a line of people I began to trust... and I'm fine with that. It turns out... I don't have to be the duplicitous, gloomy and hidden person I was. 
If you need another example, we can bring up how I find that I asked you about that SAME girl and you told me to steer clear, because I'm selling myself short. Maybe that's true... maybe it ain't. 


Either way, it leads into the next letter...

30 Days, 30 Letters- Day 27: The Friendliest Person You Knew for Only One Day

Dear Tom,
I met you on... May 20, 2007. 
Yeah, that was it. I will always remember you because I was going through a particular rough patch when you limped into the bar I served tables at. When I got to you, you told me don't worry about it- and ordered a shot of something clear from the bartender. You called me over, and I pulled out my pad to take your order. 
However, that wasn't your plan. 
You decided to talk to me about me, then you... how you were from Havre, Montana moved to New York and spent 20 years on the NYPD, where you injured your knee. You said that you chose me to talk to because I looked like a 'great believer'...when I asked of what, you replied, "of the impossibilities of life"
Then as you left and I helped you to your cab you told me:
"Let it go. You're doing the things you're supposed to do. Life is playing out the way it's supposed to. The only mistakes are the choices you neglect to acknowledge as things to learn from. Everyone has a purpose. Purpose is life's use of people. No purpose, no use for you. The proof of these things are that you are still alive."


Dude. 
You just don't know how much I needed to hear those words. I've held onto those words and have only gotten better. Thanks to your kind spirit. I hope you are doing great. I don't really regret much in life, but I do regret not being able to show you the kind of love you showed me. Who knows what I would've done to myself or others had you not walked into that bar, that day. 


Keep the faith, 
-Tesco.

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 25: A Person You Know Is Going Through The Worst of Times

note: If you aren't a regular follower of my blogs or twitter, then you couldn't possibly know that one of my closest friends died recently. http://bit.ly/dfqxlP (Hence the interruption of the '30 Days, 30 Letters' with my last blog which was to him. When I started the '30 Days...' I already mapped out who all the letters would go to. However, this one just didn't seem right and I felt I wanted to add another person. so I'm writing to two individuals. You'll see. Thanks. 


Original Letter:

My main man, Spence!


Whatup, G? Shit has sucked for you royally this past year- but you took it in stride and remained a classy dude as you slowly claw your way back to the surface. I only wish you had let me in on the problems, and maybe I could've been more supportive... in my own authoritative, militant way... but what's done is done. I'm so proud of how tough you are. I gotta figure out how I'm gonna scrounge up some funds and hang out with you, but until I do keep your head up, you fuckin' cockaroach. 


-Tesco.






The Alternate Letter:

Oh Bri.

I don't even have anymore words. I've been crying and just beating myself up... but the worst part was seeing you Wednesday night at Irish Times just sitting in the exact stool he sat in just 5 days before... mumbling to yourself over and over, 


"...he was just right here." 


And when I came and sat in the stool next to that one...just as I did with him just 5 days prior... man. UGH. I felt the weight of your burden in that moment. 


And I immediately felt like the weakest man in the universe. 


I just want you to know, that I love ya- and that it will only get better- but it's gonna suck for a while. But like I told you that night... it's not your fault. It's not. 


So please...let's just celebrate his life, and try to cheer up, okay?


Love, me.


Ha. I chose this pic on purpose. We was lovers. LOL.  okay okay... here's a better one. 

Ave Atque Vale - [People never get the flowers while they can still smell them.]

Hey, Dunbar.

Well, we never really established who was going to be 'Santiago' and who was going to be 'Dunbar' did we?
sigh.
This blows.
I don't know why whatever happened happened, but I do know anyone who's ever met you, or hung out with you is a little upset right now.

You were one of the best of us, I'm sitting here- recalling all the crude things we used to laugh at... and then the miscellaneous things like asking Tri-Sarah-Tops to remove her top so that she may wrestle with us.


Sometimes, I felt like you got me. Like we got each other. The core 'we' that we had a hard time showing folk. All those nights you crashed under whatever roof I was staying under, looking up at the ceiling, pondering... discussing the little idiosyncrasies that make us all tick.

I never would've guessed the day I strolled into Madhatter's to hang with Bri, that I'd be meeting one of my future closest boys. I'm still not 100% on how I got the blame for "hooking you two up." Even to this day, despite your constant praise of my straight from the hip advice, I simply thought I was doing her the favor.

Man.

I don't think we had a dull moment. I mean, other than our sporadic attempts at growing up...    

What am I supposed to say?
Remember the dog chase? Remember the police precinct? Remember the gas station bathroom key? Remember meeting Brandon Knight MLB pitcher for the Mets and he gave us front row seats to the next game?
I remember them all. Now, more than ever.

I never got around to meeting your family, and now I never will. I feel bad for never taking the opportunities you gave. Geez, I wonder how they are taking this. 

I find myself oddly in the mood to fix sausages. Of course, because I'm thinking about us- and it's four in the morning. What better time to fry up meat shirtless?

Later today, I may dig out my old CDs- listen to some of The Prodigy, or Crystal Method hell, I may have to throw in some 2 Live Crew and other various Miami bass mixes. Of course, the listening will be accompanied with a vodka/soda. 

...yeah.

Bri's a wreck. I feel bad for ever getting you in trouble with her. 

I wish I had at least told you I loved ya. Even once. As guys we aren't really big on this act- yet it's easy for us to fall asleep together in adjacent swivel chairs in your office. Hey. It was a rough afternoon. 

Mulatto Raggedy Ann.

Man. I thought I left the military because I was sick of seeing my boys leave me. ...all your troubles have been washed away. Yet, I'd take them all off of your shoulders just to take one more ride with you. 

Ugh. I hope one day, I'll be able to understand. One day I'll be able to fully accept the truth behind why you had to go. However, today is not that day. If anything- I wish today was the day you called me at ten AM like always and demand that I meet you somewhere for tomfoolery and debauchery. 

Maybe...

If I close my eyes really tight, and count to three- I'd open them to a text from you calling me a 'silly little bitch' and that I must meet you Saturday for something silly you just discovered on the 'internets'

Nah. 

Facebook is already blowing up. You've gone on.

...and I'm... just writing a blog. 

Love You, son. 

My key is always gonna be in the bushes for you. 

-Sean. (your boy, Stank Sinatra-which you probably have me still in your phone.)

P.S.

Tri-Sarah-tops said she's e-mail you a picture of her butchered hair. She's still horny and needs your matchmaking expertise. Hook it up for us. ...and I promise I'll work harder at not taking myself so seriously.





"That is my principal objection to life, I think: It's too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes." -Kurt Vonnegut

30 Days, 30 Letters- Day 24: The Person Who Gave You Your Favorite Memory

I wouldn't necessarily call this my favorite memory...

Honestly... I wouldn't call you my favorite person. Not saying I don't like you- I'm just saying your theatrics are a bit MUCH. It is these same theatrics that are the muse for this letter.

You love to tell folk how I was the boyfriend from hell, and blah blah... however you fail to mention the most unforgivable thing you can ever do to someone- which you casually did to me.

First off all, let me remind you- of your silly little rules concerning HOW and the ONLY HOW we were allowed to have sex, as per YOUR rules.


missionary. cuddling afterwards. sleep in each other's arms. fin.


Nothing else was permitted.

Oh, and how can I forget the other:

Tolerate your overbearing, demanding, super repetitive oral fixation, while simultaneously alerting you 3 minutes prior to me cumming, so you can STOP what you were doing and go do something else. each. and. every. time.
note: Whilst you are down there feasting on trouser snake, I am NOT allowed to place my hand on the back of your head- for you do not like that. 

Yeah.
Now that we've got that out in the air, I'm going to tell you what you did, even though by now I'm sure you've figured it out.
So, we were messing around one night on the couch in my folk's living room and we somehow started to have sex. During the supposed foreplay, you decided to go down on me again, for like the third time that day. I was a tad fed up because just three days prior I had (what I thought) was a legitimate conversation with you about how FUCKING retarded it was for you to be going down on me on the average of 3-4 times a day, (like that ride from D.C. to Va Beach where you went down on me 4 times, I came NO times. ...yay. fun.) and only actually ejaculating during that wack ass boring missionary sex. I even brought up how unlike most guys, I don't require to actually come in your mouth/face/etc. I just want to see the destination if I'm putting up  with the journey...
three to five times a day.

And now... here we are on the couch. You coyly look up at me as your work your way into my boxers. You slide your lips up and down my shaft giggling proudly at the work you're doing... but I'm a sentinel today. I refuse to enjoy this. I'm on a mission. I will NOT get my hopes up for nothing. I guess you sense my fortitude, because you work even harder,a nd your mouth gets wetter than ever. I try to ignore this new challenge, but I can't. So I figure I would just ambush you with a pre-emptive orgasm. I decide that if I came just ONCE, you would see it's not so bad and throw your silly rules out the window. So I hold back all physical signs that I'm cumming. Then suddenly, I grab that mass of hair and lock you into place- and cum in your mouth.

I've won.

No... I haven't. Because at that moment you start convulsing around the mattress like you're having a seizure, and start coughing and then you throw up in my lap. YOU VOMIT ON ME. It takes about 7 seconds to process that I've got this weird mixture of snot, spit, semen, and whatever you ate earlier on me... and I want it off YESTERDAY. The only way to do that is to slant walk (so it doesn't ooze down my body) to the shower where I loofa myself into a brand new pale skin. When I get back to where you are- I find you snuggled up under the sheets. After I force myself to lay next to you...hoping we don't have to talk any more tonight, you rollover and ask me if I still want to have sex.

Were. You. Serious?
I would later find out... you indeed were.

Years later, even though we aren't together... like I said earlier- your theatrics still annoy me. 


-Tesco.

30 days, 30 letters- Day 23: The Last Person You Kissed

Oh boy.

I don't know what I'm doing here. None of my friends have any faith in me- including myself. The good side, I guess is most of them like you... which is unlike them. They almost always disapprove of my "skanks"

...I've never been good at relationships. So I'm surprised I'm giving this one a try. ...if you call this 'a try'

I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'll be attracted to someone, and then- they lack the superficial things that really matter... so I lose interest. And then sometimes, I just feel stifled...caged. ...and I desire more than anything to soar free and do what I want.

Stallion.

Maybe you're just really patient. ..or maybe you just go after what you want. ...or maybe I just ask to many damn questions.

Ugh.

30 Days, 30 Letters- Day 22: Someone Who Deserves a Second Chance

Hey Mr. A.C.

Yeah this letter is to you because of a certain thing that happened between YOU, JULES, and my CIVIC SI.
Oh, you don't remember?

Let me refresh your memory: PICTURE IT. APRIL 2002.

Menashe threw one of his EPIC house parties that everybody attended regardless of whether we like each other or not. What was really nice about this party was we were BOTH under 21 drinking like madmen with the rest of our sailor brethren.

I should've suspected something was up when I noticed you and Jules were chasing each other around all night pouring beer on each other and wrestling like bear cubs. But I was too busy trying to defuse the situation between Eddie and skank he was dating.
As the party started to thin out, I should've paid more attention to you two giggling at each with beer goggles. It was almost dawn, and Dandu pulled my car up to the side of the house. I had already told you I'd drive you back to the barracks with Dan and me. Now, whether it was Dan or me who put that new Ashanti CD in the disc player , I don't remember... but we'll get back to that later. Since Dan and I have been pretty much like Siamese twins since we met, I waited for him to get out the car, and as he walks up to me- I don't notice that you and Jules are gone.

*LET ME FINISH*

Jules' scandalous little friend Alaina calls me and Dan inside with her to tell us something. She's totally using the fact that she's a 7 and we're hammered and it's the crack of dawn... I mean even the host is passed out on his living room floor. I don't notice her pour a cup of ice water... maybe because she's pretending to pour Gin into the cup when reach the kitchen. She begins taunting me about my manhood, and blah blah as Dandu- my silent guardian watches on. Then taking FULL advantage of my Marty McFly complex, she pours me a full cup of Seagram's and dares me to down it, which I do. Twice. As she's pouring cup #3, Dandu finally utters the magic words.

"Yo, where's A---- ? I left your car on in the street."

I snap awake, and we race outside worrying that my new Civic is stolen, or worse.
the rest happens in slow motion. We hear Ashanti's "Rescue" playing loud as hell on the road beside the house, and as we turn the corner there you are... NAILING JULES MISSIONARY ON THE HOOD OF MY CAR. I sprint towards you screaming your name, and you jump up as if awaking from a dream, and skeet all over Jules, and the hood of my car.

THEN, you take off with the girls, and I've got your spooge all over my NEW whip. I had to drive home with that shit sliming all over my windshield in the wind. SOME got on my hand!

The worst part of this entire story was NOBODY believed me, because you were "Mr. Goody Two Shoes" and I was the asshole trouble maker. But I drove you home that one Christmas break. I KNOW you're a dirtbag. I've seen your scandalous ways. However, I guess I can forgive you if you can only FINALLY come clean.

-Tesco

P.S. I still cannot listen to that song without thinking about you spraying all over the place. I literally cringe as son as I hear the opening chords.

30 days, 30 letters- Day 20: The One Who Broke Your Heart

Yo.

I dedicate this to all the guys who were down with me before Sally Rottencrotch came around and twisted up your mind and warped your perception of everything. The guys who used to have my back and I supported only for some piece of ass to walk up and destroy our supposed "brotherhood." The guys who I gave my last dollar too and fought for, only for the brand new woman to say she doesn't want you hanging out with the fellas anymore, and YOU FUCKING DO IT.

I can think of three motherfuckers off the top of my head, but Buddy you were the one that makes me randomly angry when I'm drunk. Me, you, and Cloud were supposed to be immortal. You fucking fell off and died friendless and half broke.

...all because of some vagina.

"Bros before Hos, right?" *shakes my head and walks away*

30 days, 30 letters- Day 19: Someone You Can't Get Out of Your Head

To the person that I've cleverly cropped out of the photo below:

I think of about you everyday. It is not because of that fantastic voyage with you, the shower curtains and the oil; nor is it because of the way you used to beg me to eat that horrible combination of eggs and ketchup every 'morning after'

You would maybe even think it's because of that time I walked in on you and that girl from the laundromat and you were all like, "Hey! You're back!"

...actually, it's because I left a copy of Avengers #500 under your nightstand. If we hadn't split so horribly, I'd ask you to mail it to me. Maybe you'll read this and do so anyway.

-Tesco

P.S. A friend of mine visits your restaurant all the time. I hinted at our relationship and now she's DYING to know your identity... she practically named all your co-workers.

30 days, 30 letters- Day 18: Someone You Wish you could be

I don’t want to be anybody but me. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished with the shitty hand I was dealt.

However…

There is you, the person who goes unpunished for your theft of what was mine. Listen. 

I’m not a fan of you. Frankly, I think you’re a bit of a dork. I can’t imagine there being anything about you that’s remotely interesting, or original. I surpass you in every fashion. 

However…

There is ONE thing you have that I want… and to tell you the truth, I’m probably the reason you have it. If I were another person who performed the type of typical villainy that you’re familiar with, then I’d probably just take it from you. 

However…

I’m not. 

So there. Despite the fact I am your superior… you have beaten me in the one place it matters, and that’s why I would… maybe… trade places with you. 

So, enjoy your victory…   for now.

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 17: Someone From Your Childhood

Dear You.

I saw you the other day. I think it's a good enough time to reveal that I was never attracted to you. A person who shall remain nameless assisted me in creating that large charade of being madly smitten with you. I don't know why we did it, other than we were jerks. Which isn't that bad seeing how you kinda let it go to your head, and the more you did that the more outrageous we made it. It wasn't until I realized that you totally believed almost anything we could up with... that I started to feel a little shitty.

I would apologize...
but... man. When I saw you I didn't recognize you. What the hell happened?

-Tesco.

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 16: Someone That’s Not in Your State/Country

Jules.

You're probably clenching your fists that I posted this pic of us SHITFACED, but it's the only one that exists of us. Look how pale I was then. Holy Shit.

We definitely had some amazing schemes/capers/flimflams/cons/adventures together. Dirty. Rotten. Scoundrels. Thick as thieves. Whenever I think about folk I served with that I wish I could talk into moving where I live, you always make the top 2. But then I think about how we don't have to be in the same time zone to fuck shit up. Remember your parole officer calling Mr. Tescadero from 'Habitats for Humanity' to verify your community service?? We fucking OWN. Always good times.

Love ya, (but not the way you love me.)
(oh, whatever you know you want MY babies.)
(Ok fine... you can have ONE.)


-Tesco

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 15: The Person You Miss the Most

Q.

Not really sure how you ended up pissed at me, I doubt it was my disapproval of your rush to speed up certain aspects of your life. The doubt stemming from the fact I was openly against it.

I can only assume it was either because you didn't hear from me on your birthday, which as I tried to explain was beyond my control- or maybe you read/figured out it was you I was talking about in an earlier post on my Tumblr, and you didn't like my opinion on shit.

Which is kinda a dork move, because both reasons are really small and we've been through bigger shit.
As fickle as we both are, it's really hard for me to grasp the act of burning our bridge- but I was always slow when it came to understanding people... So...

I don't know. Whatever I did, it must've been the absolute worst because you completely cut me off. So, yeah. I miss you a lot.
Anyway.
Hope you're doing ok.
I think...
Whatever.

30 Days, 30 Letters- Day 14: Someone You've Drifted Away From

Dear BFF Sarah!

Oy Vey. How in the world did I go from talking to you almost everyday, to talking on Facebook every now and then? Oh, I know how. You moved to Australia!

At first, when you left it was a tad boring, but then I had to actually start calling my other friends. Folk at the Times occasionally ask about you.

Anywho, I'm glad life is awesome out there, and you are maintaining your cool-ness. We have to learn how to synchronize some Skype time. I miss talking to you.

One of these days I'm going to save money and come there.
Until then you be as good as you tell me to be.

P.S. I'm exclusively dating someone now, and I think I can refrain from villainy long enough to not hurt her feelings. You'd be proud.

-Antonio Peskydero

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 13: Someone You Wish Could Forgive You

Dear Walton,

When these pictures surfaced, and you recognized it was your rack I was jerking off on, you stopped talking to me.
I completely understand.

But at least let me explain.
It was two weeks after boot camp, we were in 'A' school, and essentially that meant it was week 15 weeks for me without the embrace of a woman. Then Eddie Santos (remember that guy? He was hilarious) Comes into the break room with that Playboy magazine and I just couldn't help myself.

Besides, I wasn't REALLY beating off on your bunk, I was in that chair near your wall locker. It just LOOKS like I was in your bed, because I was running from Santos who took the picture.
I thought it was funny when he caught me, but what I didn't know was he would immediately develop these and show everybody in the unit. Especially you.

We used to be great friend, and better roommates before you saw this, and I wish we could go back to that.

Your pal,
Tesco.

30 Days, 30 Letters- Day 12: A Person Who’s Caused You Pain

Nicole.

You lied to me constantly in school, and I guess you figured yourself stringing me along. Right.
Then you call me that fateful night years later and cry me a river about the love of your life manhandling your ass. Foolishly, I ran over there with my cape on... and we started dating.

Holy Shit.
I SHOULD'VE listened to Keiana and left your ass alone.
But I didn't. I was hardheaded, and after 3 months of dating you, and watching your big headed kid, you somehow almost got me to marry you. I considered it. I fucking considered it. Then, I got called away for a month to go serve the country I love. Just to return and you're married to the very guy who just threw you at the wall 6 months prior.

No, you didn't cause me any serious pain, but you definitely scratched the surface- and I'm more annoyed than anything. Annoyed because you had me shaking hands with your pastor and fucking filling my head wasting my time with complete bullshit.

...but you love him and he's the father of your vast-skulled kid. So that's the breaks.

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 11: SOMEONE WHO'S DECEASED

Dear great-grandma, Mama Lee

I'm pretty sure that I didn't turn out the way you expected. I'm not a sweet guy. I turned out to be a cad.

I stopped letting people pick on me. I know you're probably glad for that... but I overdid my attitude adjustment and became a killer.

Sometimes I feel as though if there was a such thing as 'you looking down' on me you might be disappointed in my actions. I must admit I have pissed away a good portion of my life. There was a girl I met a couple years ago, that you would've loved. Most of the girls I've hooked up with- you'd probably spit on them. I miss going to Vacation Bible School with you. In fact, believe it or not... I haven't really enjoyed church since your passing. I don't think your death was the reason- I stopped liking church, I think it's just I didn't really enjoy talking about the message with anyone else. I also miss how you'd call QVC and buy all that CRAP ...just because. If you wanna talk about things I haven't done... I don't eat bananas anymore. They just don't taste the same way they did when you'd cut them up with strawberries on my Corn Flakes.

Something...
I always wanted to say out loud, your death was the first death that would affect my personality.  It was your death that prepared me for the death that came not too long after. ...and it was the both of your passings that awakened me.

I miss you.

-Tesco... no. Love, Sean

P.S. You teaching me how to eat an apple is STILL one of my favorite memories. 

30 Days, 30 Letters - Day 10: Someone You Don’t Talk to as Much as You’d Like

Aunt Tiffany,

I thoroughly enjoy when we do get to speak to one another. I appreciate people who minister without trying to cast the fear of fire and brimstone over me. (Because that's gonna budge me.) Whenever I ask you something to try to navigate my foggy perception of spirituality you always talk to me in a form that I don't even want to argue with. I'm difficult a tad detached, and drenched in mild cynicism. I think on some level you're aware because you've always caught on to my remarks/jokes even when they're borderline crude. Well maybe I'm not that bad... but no, you've always been very warm, and honest whenever we talk. You're trustworthy, patient and I like that. Especially since I do enormous amounts of bullshitting behind brilliant convincing facades. Conundrums, wrapped in riddles, pretending to be enigmas, armed in Chinese boxes.

I'm really glad my uncle approached you in that parking lot. I don't wanna imagine how things would've turned out otherwise.

Now, if only you would learn your place as a woman and be seen and not heard...
(I couldn't help it.)
-Tesco.

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 9: Someone You Wish You Could Meet

Hey.

Consider this my final chance at anything with you. You, being this possibility that sort of lives between spaces.
This living, breathing, 'what if' that has haunted me for these past 5 years, you are. I tried to get to the bottom of this mystery, as best I could without... upsetting the natural order of things.
But.
So I guess I'm actually addressing this to another possibility. The possibility that you ever find out the truth- IF those possibilities turned out to all work out in this direction. The direction would lead you to come to me. Ya know, despite whatever you hear about me, (and trust me, if you inquire- you WILL hear lots. I'm the king of urban legend.) I'm not a bad guy. Your mother, on the other hand is a horrible human being because I definitely tried.... but... I'm not who she wants me to be. So, as far as you're concerned- I don't exist.

I wish I could meet you now though. I want to look you in your eyes the way my friends and associates have. I want to hear your voice... hear the  intelligent mind people say you have.... the way people who make me toss and turn at night describe with their comments. It sucks because maybe... I don't know. Maybe I could have been better to you than my old man was. However, we'll probably never know.

I... don't think I have anything else to say.

30 Days, 30 Letters- Day 8: YOUR FAVORITE INTERNET FRIEND

Hey "BrownSugar" 


I'm not even sure if this really counts, seeing how I've met you before, we've talked, I've been in your house, and we worked on the same junk pile. I like to laugh at how random this friendship is, seeing how you were the girlfriend of my boy, and now I talk to you far more than I do him. That is almost on the borders of hypocritical behavior for me. Regardless, I'm addressing this to you- simply because I don't think I knew you, knew you until we put some distance between us and started from scratch. You've swooped in to rescue me on more than one drunken occasion, (that forgetting my address shit is still unbelievable to me.) been my random oracle, and 'tried'? to hook me up with- a decent woman... I think. AND... we have similar goofy humor. (C'mon! "Uninvited Guest" WORST. MOVIE. EVER.) That's already more than most guys in my life, which makes you certainly irreplaceable. So here's a bit of appreciation in case the emotionally withdrawn folk in your camp neglects that sort of maintenance. 


I love ya, kid.


-Tesco.  

30 Days, 30 Letters- Day 7: Your Ex-Girlfriend

So... big deal you weren't my girlfriend.

That's kind of my fault ...me with my relationship issues/paranoia... I still remember that morning in the garage when you looked at me so casually disappointed in my blatant avoidance of our inevitable "official" romantic relationship.

I often wonder how things would have played out if I would've answered that question differently.

"Tony, where do you see this relationship going? ...what are we doing?"

"I mean... ain't we just kicking it?"

Yeah... that was the perfect response to that question, after we had been sleeping together and practically spending the majority of our time together for about 3 months. PERFECT. ...I'm not a jackass at all.

I remember that night a couple days before you got married. I kinda sensed you were distant, as we drunkenly screwed around on that damned couch. Something else... costumed as lust. Say something? Yeah, right. You may have been distant then, but nobody knows denial and emotional withdrawal like I do. So yeah. Things went unsaid.

What would things have been like had I answered that question differently?

Man.

There are parts of me that truly think that you could have lasted through all my shit. You were a lot brighter than folk ever gave you credit for, and you never really gave a shit about other folk's opinions... I always liked that. I also loved your uncanny ability to collect haters. You're married and off to places unknown and bitches still hate on your behaviors here. (Especially one in particular) ...sigh.

I always thought about checking up on you and shit...

...but you know how it is.

P.S. I SWEAR I did not know you left my house with your shirt on backwards. I'm not a home wrecker... and I'm really glad you were slick enough to beat that when your man asked you about it.