Eargasms & Melodies #1: Teresa Jenee

I have a crush on a little mid-west songbird.
Let's go back.
November 1, 2010. I was in New York on a Solo adventure- just getting away from the hum drum of D.C. for awhile. I decided since I was back home in the rotten apple for a couple days, I'd call my friend Cary and see what was up.
He told me to meet him at Satsko, (a cute little intimate sake bar in the East Village on E 7th St.) because his friend was the bartender and he was DJing awesome music from his iPod. Two good things, for the price of one.
Naturally, I got wasted.
However- before I did, I saw two women sitting at the bar, both attractive in their own right- however one was clearly the one winning my attention. After a short chat with both women, I learned that they were both musicians, and the one I was eyeing was named, Teresa Jenee. We all exchanged Twitters and partied the night away. (Complete with dancing on the bar. Yup. At a sake bar.)

A couple weeks later I replayed the outing in my head and did some digging. Turns out Teresa Jenee was not only a musician, but a fucking brilliant one at that.

I downloaded her album, The Ecklectic and was amazed. It was what I hadn't heard in a long time- actual talent. She is a clever mix of melodies ranging R&B, electro-neo soul, negro pop, and house infused disco funk. I received the CD so well, that I had to go see her performance at Ben's Next Door months later. There I witnessed her voice in person, and was impressed and satisfied that it wasn't studio cooked.

(Freedom from 'The Ecklectic')

Her latest mixtape, Electric Yellow is lightning striking twice. She manages to give you everything you like about mainstream music, without sacrificing creativity and sullying her lyrics with lustful imagery. It's funny, because lately a lot of black artists have been experimenting in sounds that she's already mastered. I swear her lyrics will pull you in and give you the feeling that you know her. Her performances will make you love her. You’ll want to live what she is saying. Especially my favorite off of the album,

cleopatra love & war  listen to this.

Which honestly makes me want to lay up with some girl in a canopy bed all night, and just be weak with her. If you know me, you know that's not even my scene- so imagine how beautiful something has to be to make me say that. Yeah, just marinate with that.

Do yourself a favor. Download Electric Yellow <----Click. It's free!

UPDATE: DECEMBER 15, 2013: TJ has just announced that she is releasing a new work, titled The Lower East Live, EP the first promotional single is a cover of Andre 3000's (OutKast) 'Prototype' which is available on her Soundcloud here: Teresa Jenee 'Prorotype' (it's really amazing)

The album will be exclusive to her music site: TERESAJENEE.BANDCAMP.COM



Teresa Jenee
Twitter
Facebook
On the Internets
Soundcloud

Related posts: http://www.tescadero.blogspot.com/p/lyricist-lounge.html

All the kids I've wasted...

A long time ago I dated a girl that hated semen.
Actually, I went through an entire phase where it seemed every girl I took home, no matter where I met them, just hated semen.

I'm not talking a strong displeasure- no I'm talking full-on Hitler to Jews hate. 

So, I'm sitting on a kitchen counter one cool summer night in 2006 as Sonya is on her knees giving me one of the sloppiest blowjobs I've ever encountered. I'm talking copious amounts of saliva. I had been sleeping with her for about a month now, and it was strange- I wasn't really attracted to her but she made my dick happy so I kept her around. She was currently house and dog sitting for friends that were off celebrating their honeymoon, and I suppose something on Lifetime got her in a mood because she called me over and seconds after I walked in, I'm experiencing the first sentence of this paragraph.

Minutes later I'm clutching the faucet, tightening my stomach muscles hoping to God that I don't blow my load, because she had given me her rules not two weeks ago- and within those rules was that damned,

"Do NOT cum on me, or near me,and definitely NOT in me."

Cool.
I just have to endure this super-awesome session with her face vagina without cumming. What the fuck. Anyway, the full sized Labrador she's supposed to be watching is looking at me oddly.

Since I can't have a stare down with this beast and refrain from showing physical appreciation for this fantastic fellatio, I calmly unsuction her lips off my pelvis and suggest we move in to the bedroom.
As I'm wrapping up in preparation for the sex, I can't help thinking how ass backwards she is, that she gives the most tongue lashingest, dick strangling, blowies ever- and she obviously has NO problem fucking in her friend's bed- but she's afraid of a little cum.

In fact, after our suck, fuck, she ripped the condom off and hit i t back to the head. (Duck Duck Goose)
Which, even though it was  amazing ...it left me confused.
After the smoke cleared, we laid there tired, and it wasn't long before I executed my exit strategy. I tell her that I need to get back home and wash clothes my uniforms for work tomorrow, and some other bullshit that were ridiculous lies. I've slept around enough at this point in my life to have my exit strategies down to a science- I keep all my clothes relatively close, for faster eject times. Lacing up my shoes, there's only one thing I need to grab before I leave:
The condom that she so casually tossed to the floor earlier.

I'm frantically looking or it, and I can't find it- and it's going on 15 minutes- she's noticing I'm looking for something-  and I think it's kinda making her uneasy. I tell her I can't find the condom, but I gotta go- she begins turning on the lights and tells me she'll take care of it. I head out into the hall on the way out, where I see the dog with the condom in his mouth, shaking his viciously as if it were a chew toy- spilling all of my unused children on his face and the walls.

I take the condom from the growling dog, quickly toss it away and wash my hands.
Sonya finally comes out of the bedroom just as I turn the water off. I turn to grab a paper towel and she asks me when do I wanna hook up again.

I turn around to answer her and before I can say anything, I see she's bent over playing with the dog, who is licking her on her neck, face and hands.

"What? *giggle* Why are you looking at me like that?"

The Man Behind the Curtain

I'm guilty of a LOT of things.

One of these things is being a great believer. The other is being a powerful deceiver.
Another is my lack of faith in almost everything positive. I have almost fully embraced cynicism, and not that watered down, 'I don't give a fuck' nonsense that my people like to scream out loud in their rap lyrics, tweets, and club Polaroids.

No... true cynicism the kind where I see flowers and immediately begin looking for the funeral. The kind of cynicism that leads me to self-destructive behavior and lack of romantic ambition- like selling sperm. Not because I'm depressed I can't find someone- but because I'm so disgusted at everything that I don't even want to touch a woman let alone make offspring with her.

Maybe it's like George Carlin said.
"Scratch any cynic and you'll find a disappointed idealist."

I am disappointed.
I'm disappointed in the music you people allow to run the industry. I'm disappointed in all the 'bad bitches' I'm disappointed in the growing amounts of estrogen discovered in men. I'm disappointed in the over glamorization of mediocrity. I'm disappointed in how truly selfish most people are, and have NO fucking clue how much they are. I'm disappointed that Beyonce is a household name and Nikola Tesla is not. I'm disappointed in the lack of creativity in the world. I'm disappointed that decades of literature and information is at your fingertips, but you'd rather gossip about Tom Cruise's sexuality- or anybody's sexuality these days.

I'm disappointed that I've deceived you all.

I showed you one person on my blogs, and showed you another in person.

That's not fair.
One thing I've always prided myself on was my clarity. I say exactly what I say, and I say what I mean.
But for some reason, you haven't been understanding what I'm saying. This is my fault.

People.
Get off of yourself. Get off of your idols. Get off of that guy that told you you were pretty. Get off that girl that sucks your dick the way you like it, but really doesn't help you grow at all. Stop walking around eyes wide shut and then believing that you were swindled when the truth becomes more apparent to you. Stop being single parents. Stop judging people that make less money than you. Stop feeding off of your parents! That's not YOUR money- that's theirs! Stop saying that weed is harmless because it comes from the Earth. Stop drowning you sorrows in liquor. Definitely stop doing ANYTHING mentioned in current rap songs.  Stop conceding to weakness and failure. Stop worrying about love and worry more about mental expansion. Search for nirvana!

Fail. But fail with dignity! Do things that scare the living shit out of you. Stop telling people what you won't deal with. News flash- Nobody gives a fuck. Surprise some people and step OUT of your comfort zone. Surprise yourself. Remember-It's easy to play hard at practice- on the field you're comfortable in. The true test comes at your performance in a foreign arena. Stop telling people how you feel. Sure, feelings are important. Blah, blah. Feelings aren't brand new, and yours aren't unique to you. But should the world stop spinning because you are under pressure from your job and life?

Stop falling in love with the idea of being in love. Stop loving things and using people. Try it the other way around. Stop settling for the projections people play for you. Start paying attention to the actual person. Stop trying to be a part of the big thing. Be satisfied with the modest thing. Embrace the reality of situations. Realize that no matter how attractive you think you are, at the end of the day you still piss and shit and it smells just as bad as the ugly person down the block. Learn to take criticism.

Learn to know when you should shut the fuck up.



"Oh, Life is bigger. It's bigger- and you, YOU are not ME. The lengths that I will go to, the distance in your eyes. ....Oh no, I've said too much. ...I set it up.
That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight, losing my religion. Trying to keep up with you... and I don't know if I can do it.
Oh no I've said too much. I haven't said enough..."

                                                                           -R.E.M.,    'Losing My Religion' 

The Last Diary Entry of a Dear Friend.

This past weekend was the anniversary of my friend, Harsh Kumar's death. In remembrance, I'd like to repost one of the last entries he wrote in his online journal.

Do drugs, think critically, question  everything, experiment, enjoy  sex, drive too fast, try new things,  do whatever puts a smile on your  face, let passion make decisions  for you, respect and understand your parents, feel confident but not superior, know that money is not an end - but a means… spend it, love whoever whenever whatever without reservation, let feelings and emotions totally wash over you, hate with every fibre of your body - don’t ever fucking justify your anger, break things, tell people how you feel about them, understand your fears and overcome them - own them, jump off things without knowing where when how you’ll land, feel beauty and music, never fucking lie to yourself, lose control.

live your fucking life.

the rationale for the above is here:

parenthetical warning: my ability to write (not well, by any means) is augmented by post-4am insomnia, substance, music, getting terrible head (grr).

so, if you can, swallow this: my manifesto. my treatise. my confession.  if i were you, though, i’d stop reading now.

What if this is all we have?  reincarnation, heaven, hell, nirvana, oneness, whatever.  what if it’s all an idiotic social construct —  primitives explained lightning and earthquakes and floods as the gods being angry.  what if this is all we have?  your behaviour today, tomorrow, now, has no bearing whatsoever on what happens in any greater sense.  the question?  THE question:  you know, what the meaning of life is, or why we’re here is answered thusly:  personal goddam happiness

I’m probably wrong, but what’s my baseline?  how do i measure my delta?  the word of sages, priests, sadhus, kings, scholars should guide me? yeah, what’s their fucking source?  historically, they’ve always and unfuckingbelievably been wrong (men of faith who proclaim anything as fact - you know this..  faith != truth).  and this, boys and girls, is a matter of faith.  think about the word faith, by the way… take a trip to dictionary.com - faith is a (uniquely human) departure from reality and rationality. 

and we, as humans, are becoming more rational [logical, analytical, calculating] every successive generation.  Aww girl. 

Anyway, i’m leaving the pack.  if you’ve gotten this far, i’m impressed.

Here it is, here’s the thing.  I, like most people (depending on how arrogant i’m feeling, i could say “like ALL people”), need three things:  a sense of belonging, a sense of purpose, and happiness.   why can’t i live to satisfy these three basic needs (maslow!) even if it diminishes my chances of happiness in my next life (or whatever).   all i know is this: i’m here today - i could fucking die tomorrow and that’s the end.  this is all i have - why the fuck should i take the word of anyone else when my senses, my intuition, my instincts tell me that this is the end. there’s nothing more.

the curtain comes down when my heart stops beating.

If you’ve gotten this far, i’m less impressed and more surprised.  anyway, the point of the story is this:  pleasure, happiness, contentedness… these are the things we should strive for.  my body and mind are a culmination of a zillion years of evolution, and when they tell me things, i listen.  i’m not advocating deviancy or evil - if you have a brain, you understand — if you don’t understand, well, i have the patience of a ADD addled 8 year old for ya.  go back, stop listen think.

so rather than listening to people about how i should live my life, why can’t i get by on my feelings.  why should i let fucking two thousand year old (or more) books, written by fucktards like us, guide me? nonsense… let love, hate, feeling be your sole compass (aww, you like the play on words there?).  do what makes you happy while it doesn’t hurt other people.  harbour ceaseless faith in things like the capacity and love of your friends and family.  harbour ceaseless enmity towards blind faith, scripture, dogma.  never come back down. 

you and me.  we’re the same, by the way.  we’re better than we’ll ever really know.

but, really, what do i know.   :)

Also, shallowness: i met a girl tonight.   (unrelated to the aforementioned terrible head).   turns out she’s had a crush on me since freshman year.  wtf?  girls, if you like a guy, say something while you’re feeling it.  she still likes me, and i like her back, though, so s’all good.

also, idiocy:  i have no idea how to add people whose name/email i don’t know on friendster (explains my 16 friend count), so if you want to be added (yay!), i’m going to need explicit instructions.  dude, i’m a friendster n00b.  and a giant fucking dork :)

and finally, misbehaviour:  if you’re so inclined, i suggest you plug some comfortable headphones into you ipod (or whatever), do a big fat line, and listen to music with real feeling - depending on you mood, best music for said substance:  (break.smash.destroy) american head charge - loyalty, (lovely something) ani - superhero, (DANCE)  AK1200 - drowning, (melancholy) mirah - don’t die in me, (super sexy swingin’) marilyn manson - doll-dagga-buzz-buzz.  i’ve never done it, but tony the tiger tells me it’s gRReat :D

<3 font="font" nbsp="nbsp">

The Story of me peeing on some kid.

THIS IS A REPOST FROM 2008:
"I'm so ugly, my father carries a picture of the kid that came with his wallet." -Rodney Dangerfield 

So... I'm not a complete asshole. In my attempt to sell myself as a better candidate for the female audience, I occasionally swallow my fear of children and put on my role model mask. Now, believe it or not- I am quite the role model, and I give out GREAT life advice despite my own terrible behaviors.

However, life has a funny way of keeping things in check that you wouldn't believe... I'm hanging out with this girl- for shits and giggles we'll use the name Nora again- and Nora has a little boy of about 2. So, I kinda don't mind little boys at around this age because they're becoming curious and the destructive edge is coming out of them... yeah, no more baby blue and cute booties. We got a man-child on our hands. Give him the touch. Give him the power. Nora is beginning to attempt to potty train him,and I don't know how it happened, but it suddenly became a great idea for me to teach him how to go peepee in the potty. Now usually a request like this is beyond my capabilities of acting, regardless of how bad I wanna girlfriend. I am at level 5 fear now, and my brain is screaming "Abort! ABORT!" However, I do not. I scoop little Aaron up and whisk away to the potty. The magical realm of number 1's and 2's. I stand there speaking in that ridiculous baby talk of broken english- "Peepee goes potty" nonsense with a majestic fatherly vibe. This is it! I'm tappping into my inevitable daddy vibe. I'm so proud!

I immediately stand up to demonstrate how the regal number one is performed, and whip out my dick. Now, it is here where maybe I forgot I was teaching a kid how to pee. Maybe in the back of my mind I really had to go, or maybe it was sheer force of habit. Regardless, I tilted my head back and released magical beer/liquor/soda contaminated urine into the toilet as I'VE DONE A MILLION FUCKING TIMES.

Only this time, there wasn't that orchestral sound of peepee splashing against blue toilet water.

No, just the sound of peepee on skull, because Aaron sure was bent over head half into toilet looking into it. I look down in confusion at the absense of sound first, then to my horror I'm peeing on this kid's head. I painfully stop peeing, but it's kinda too late. I've peed all over this kid. So I immediately toss him into the shower and run water on him.
Nora is asking what's going on- and I tell her he put his head in the toilet. She screams.

Same difference right?

Every Man for Himself

A couple years ago I wrote an entry here that professed what I thought were the reasons men cheated. At that point in my life I'd only been with 4 four women seriously, The Constant... the Variable... the Substitute and the Candidate. (Sharp readers will be able to pick out each one from past entries on this very blog. Here's a hint. Cristen is The Constant.)

Even though I'd been with none of those women in an actual relationship for longer than 4 months and my clear penchant for random hookups, and week long flings, I believed I was travelled enough to right that blog.

This is not one of those situations where I look back and think I was silly then, I've just grown more and realize it's much deeper.

I've been with my current girlfriend seven months. This past weekend I realized something as I was out celebrating with some friends and this very exotic Egyptian girl sat next to me in the club and proceeded to fill my head with numerous reasons why I should go home with her.

Follow me.

Even though adultery has been around forever (hell, it's commandment number 7) but we still aren't any where close to cracking the mystery and I'm sure we never will.

1. You can get away with it.
The knowledge that no one will find out and no one will get hurt is reason enough for some men to grab a different entree. Hell, I know countless couples where the woman think she so smart that she KNOWS her man and she could tell if he was cheating on her. Idiots. The only downside to this one though; as men get craftier with avoiding detection, women get more sophisticated with detecting, not to mention boosting their network of spies, and the fact that cameras are EVERYWHERE now a days. I've seen a lot guys taken down via Facebook. Don't be a casualty, bro

2. It's Exciting
To some guys, women are sexual trophies. I used to be one. I've got a a bunch on my mantle. I even have old ethnic checklists and novelty sex goals. Men with this mindset have DEFINITELY already cheated. (I already admitted to ya'll I did once long ago) Some guys can't put the shotgun down and abandon the chase, the hunt. For others it may as simple as deciding to finally get a taco after months of pizza. Excitement.

3. No Sex

Who hasn't heard that the best way to get a woman to stop having sex with him is by marrying her? Well, in this day and age of couples living with each other before marriage *cough cough-coward's marriage cough-cough* Apparently, it seems long-term relationships seem to suck the sex drive out of many women, leaving men gasping for fulfillment. When the craving comes for more sex, a lot of guys will start "working late" more often.
Or it maybe that the sex has become boring. She doesn't want to try new things in bed. Or maybe she blatantly gave you a list of things you can never do. Some men don't want the mother of their children doing things that only a whore should do. Go figure.


4. She Cheated!
Working behind the bar I've heard plenty of stories of guys going astray because she slipped up, and the best way to get her back is go screw everything walking. (Not in my book though. I'd just dump her) Hell, I know guys that will stray if it even looks like another man has her fancy. Some guys are so hurt by one girl long time ago that they are still making new women pay for that first girl. Weird.

5. Ego Boost 
6. The Opportunity is RIGHT THERE
7. She doesn't turn you on anymore
I don't think... I can say it better than the late Patrice O'Neal did.

8. Your Girlfriend is ANNOYING

Most guys have woken up to find themselves with some female that thrives on making him feel like crap. Constant complaining, spoiled ways that her damn parents have installed into her, fighting all the time, etc. etc. Cheating seems to be the only cure for this type of domestic hell.

9. Girls let us
I don't even really think I have to explain this one. I see guys out here all the time with 4-5 different kids with 4-5 different mothers. It's the basis of accepting the position of 'bottom bitch'. Countless women keep forgiving infidelity, and it just keeps happening. If you let somebody walk over you, they will.

10. You don't care for her anymore
After a forever together, it seems you've lost all feeling for her. She just doesn't spark your imagination the way she used to, are maybe the guy is unhappy- whatever- since he once cared deeply for her he can't bring himself to cutting it off, because that will lead to something painful and messy. Makes no sense almost, right?

Anyway, I still feel the same way I do about cheating. I just felt like I understood more than I did a while back. Cheating by definition implies foulplay. You can't justify it and it's pointless. It's ALWAYS a sign that you are unhappy in your relationship, and if you're unhappy- address the problem or move on.

The Dark Knight Rises... into something ponderous

I went to go see the highly anticipated, 'The Dark Knight Rises' Saturday. I was eager to go because I was curious how the series would end, and a couple friends who went to the midnight screening praised the film greatly. I left the theater afterwards disappointed at their opinion. What follows is my review of the film.

Warning: There are some slight spoilers. For the sake of length, BB= Batman Begins, TDK= The Dark Knight and TDKR= The Dark Knight Rises.

Nolan's version of the Batman tale was a gritty, dark, and satisfyingly adult vision. TDKR opens with Harvey 'Two Face' Dent falsely martyred at the hands of the mysterious vigilante, Batman. Gotham City is surprisingly crime free thanks to a new law placed in remembrance of Dent. Batman and Bruce Wayne have disappeared, with Bruce sporting a cane and an awesome limp... that they never explain. Nevertheless a storm looms on the close horizon, a storm called Bane, who aims to destroy Gotham City completely.
Add into the mix the sexy, yet dangerous, scene stealing Catwoman who only seems to care about her own self satisfying agenda.

But let's get to my opinion.
It's unfortunate that this movie came out after TDK. TDK was amazing, epic in many ways, my only real beefs with it being that at times there was too many branches of story going on in a really long movie. Secondly, my concrete belief that Heath Ledger got the girls interested in the film. His death got everyone else to go see it. Unfortunately. Because I for one, along with everyone else didn't know that man was that talented until then.

TDKR gets so wrapped up in attempting to be bigger, and better, and larger than TDK that it completely misses the very thing that should be the essential cog in a super hero movie. An actual adventure. I swear, in all of the 240 minutes or so of TDKR, if I paid money to see Batman, well I expect to see Batman y'know...be Batman. Instead I got maybe for maybe 32 minutes of Batman. The rest was Officer Blake (Josh Gordon Levitt), some orphans, a prison that's pretty damned silly, (complete with this nonsense: "Your vertebrae is sticking out" *He pushes it back in*) and some corporate takeover that kinda felt like a take on the Occupy movement. In fact, now that I think about it, I think Officer Blake had more screen time than Batman did. No, I'm sure of it. Speaking of Officer Blake, the Robin joke was cute- but what's the point in leaving him the bat mantle if you won't train him, Bruce? Hell, in BB it took you SEVEN YEARS in a super secret cult to learn how to be Batman. What's Blake gonna do?

In my opinion, there is very little excitement in TDKR. I literally got more amped up from the crowd OUTSIDE the theater. At no point in this film was I held in suspense, did I tense up and grab my armrest. For real, there will be no sell outs of Bane costumes this Halloween. There will be no 'Why So Serious?' scrawled on school lockers or train doors. In fact, I can't for the life of me remember any cool one liners from the film other than when a businessman condescendingly stated that he was in control of Bane, and Bane gently placed his massive hand on the businessman's shoulder and as he towered over him, replies: "Do you feel like you're in control?"

The action felt a little blah, and I'm trying not to compare it to anything else, but dude... in the previous movie I saw the caped crusader fucking jack knife an 18 wheeler, after a gripping and pulse racing car chase through Gotham City. (How awesome was that Batpod ejecting from the Bat Tumbler sequence??) Sorry. I started to digress there. As I was saying, TDKR doesn't have any impressive action. I get the whole pugilistic aim in the fight between Bane and Batman, but seriously, I can't honestly say I was all that moved by the fight. I speak of the first one, because the rematch was just...silly to me. To non-comic fans it fails to explain just how Bane was able to bare hand punch through solid rock columns, but whatever. Speaking of that final action scene, all of Gotham's cops fight all of Gotham's criminals in a street war. Both sides are heavily armed, yet it turns out being a huge melee. WTF.

 Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying the movie sucked, nor am I saying I didn't enjoy it. I guess I just felt like this film had so much potential, and in my opinion it failed to meet it. Sure, within all the nonsensical plots there is a genuine story going on about redemption and sacrifice.... the kind of twisted character development that made Nolan look like a cot damned genius in Memento and Inception. I just feel that instead of trying to be bigger than TDK, and be the most epic of the trilogy, it came off as just plain excessive. I'm STILL trying to see the point in the damn Batplane other than using it as a plot device in disposing of Bane/Talia's bomb.

Oh yeah. Talia Al Ghul is in the film. ...she's revealed as a "plot twist" Bats incorrectly deduces that Bane is Ra's child. *sigh* So basically, if you've ever read a comic book with Ra's Al Ghul in it, or at the least, played the highly popular video game Arkham City you would've seen that coming 2 hours prior.

Consider this: In BB we subconsciously accept that there's villains and heroes, Ra's Al Ghul is one of those villains, and he wants to blow up JUST Gotham City even though he's got a hard on for the downfall of ALL corrupt society.
In TDK the villain is bat shit crazy (pun intended) and he makes some scary ass points- points that he not only proves, but he also convinces the only beacon of hope in this hellhole of a city to become a murderous psychopath.
TDKR just seems like whatever. Instead a likely progression or a new  method of threat, Bane and his silly cockney accent just wants to finish what Ra's started. (no originality there, Bane) Then he frees all the prisoners and locks up the cops because the criminals are the only ones that understand how the world reallyworks. (Well, wait. Didn't the Joker show us that last time?)
Catwoman's tale is actually in my opinion the only part of the story that makes sense. Well, and Alfred who I found myself feeling SO sorry for.

Also, I felt like instead of forcing us to miss Harvey dent so much- how about remind us why Batman's leg is jacked up in the first place. (It happened in the fall saving Gordon's kid at the end of TDK)

Anyway, I'd like to take a moment to just repeat, I feel like this movie (if we could go back in time) should have been the second one. The existence of this film totally negates the SUPER EPIC ending from TDK. An ending that SHOULD be the end of a trilogy.

That whole speech Gordon gives his son/eulogy at Dent's funeral as Batman limps to his bike and then rides off into the light like a fucking cowboy riding into the fucking sunset. As that score plays in the background. WOW.

But anyway, It didn't suck, but it wasn't as epic as people are pretending it is.
It was NOT the best Batman film. In fact, it is probably the weaker of the three. (Nolan's trilogy)
It WAS NOT better than Marvel's The Avengers. If you seriously believe that, then I have to assume you also do massive amounts of peyote.
In fact, it seems to me the less of an actual comic fan you are, the more you will enjoy this film.
But what do I know. I'm just a fanboy.
It was good. Not worth $16.00 to go see it in IMAX. See it in a normal theater. Definitely NOT the greatest superhero film of the year.

Hell, I walked out of The Amazing Spider-Man more satisfied... but I know my readers.
They will say I'm biased. Whatever.


P.S. Fanboy sheep fans of Nolan...don't start no shit there won't be no shit.

P.P.S. Can I also mention the rock climbing scenes that made NO FUCKING sense? Bruce Wayne is climbing a wall, with a rope tied around his waist... (which is odd seeing how his back was supposedly JUST broken, but whatevs...) and there's a guy holding the rope at the bottom like an anchor, and he falls repeatedly with said rope tightening around the SAME DAMN WAIST AREA THAT WAS SUPPOSEDLY JUST BROKEN every time he falls, which he does a LOT. Problem.

Why is the guy holding the rope at the bottom? If he falls, and Bruce dangles in mid-air because the guy is still holding the rope- that means the rope HAS to be tied at a point higher than where he fell from. THAT'S BASIC FUCKING PHYSICS.

So... why doesn't the guy just give him some slack when he sees he's falling so the fall won't hurt as much? Or better yet...

WHY NOT RAISE HIM HIGHER OUT OF THE FUCKING HOLE?

I'm done.

What Kate Does

I remember a long time ago when pretty much every black girl I knew was anti fellatio.

In fact, they used to claim that the act was reserved only for white girls.
The term 'Becky' still floats around certain circles.
Then there were the ones that said it lead to cancer.
Of course, they act like that time never existed- but I'll go ahead and fill you in on the era. It was between 1990- and 1995.

Girls back then were only going down on guys because they were in love.
Now a days, you could get head from a black girl in a Starbuck's bathroom if you watch for the signs. (Here's a hint. Girls that change their avi everyday, or have pics showcasing their assets on facebook/twitter are more likely to do it.)

Years later, I met a guy who would end up being my best friend. (not my hetero-life mate Dandu, the other guy) During one of our many many conversations he disclosed to me that he and his girlfriend at the time liked to do all sorts of weird, kinky, perverted shit.
When I asked what the fuck, he replied because he was in love.
I immediately knew that was a bullshit lie. He did that shit because he is a pervert, and she did it out of perceived love. He turned her into a pervert over time.

Put a pin in that.

Last week, I was talking to another one of my friend couples and the guy disclosed to me that the she won't take it in the pooper. In fact, when I tactlessly brought up butt sex later on and unrelated to her she went into her extremely homophobic views on butt sex. You know the score, it's 'something only the homosexuals do', or 'it's not meant for that', blah blah blah.
She thinks it's dirty. I had to remind her of one simple thing.

It is. That's why it's so hot.
In all reality though, anyone who has ever done it knows anal sex is a great source of pleasure, and when done right, penetrating a woman back there can lead to orgasms for everyone.

See, the the fact that it is a taboo act (along with snowballing, and orgies and numerous fetishes) makes it all the more tantalizing to men and women alike. When someone dictates that something just shouldn't be done, that's basically like encouraging them to head directly to it. 
Then I revealed to him the inevitable reality that if he takes baby steps and is willing to just wait it out- he'll be fudge packing her eventually because people do things they normally won't out of love.
...and that's not necessarily true. It's not love at all.
Now that I'm older, I can better identify what's really going on.

I remember once this girl queefed in bed with me, I thought she farted and I stopped having sex with her because I thought she was the most rancid, perverse human being on Earth. Nowadays, there's not a vagina I invade that doesn't queef.

...and I assure you I do NOT love, or even remotely like a 1/4 of the women I enter.


The actual thing that is transpiring that you may not realize is you're (or the black girls I mentioned earlier) balancing your ignorance and unfamiliarity with a sexual act against the things you subjectively find disgusting.

Fact is for most those black girls I mentioned earlier, if I went to them and offered to jizz on their face I probably would get slapped immediately. If Obama offered the same service, the reply would be
"ugh...maybe"

What seemed disgusting when it was me moaning away ready to fire baby batter in your general direction, it seems a little bit more appealing when it's Barack standing on your bed hovering over you. Funny how the world works, yeah?

Everyone will do more as you grow and mature than they thought were capable of doing. So be patient my friend. You don't gotta wait for her to love you. You just gotta make her think all the disgusting things you do.

Good luck, hombre.


“Whenever a taboo is broken, something good happens, something vitalizing. Taboos after all are only hangovers, the product of diseased minds, you might say, of fearsome people who hadn't the courage to live and who under the guise of morality and religion have imposed these things upon us.”
-Henry Miller

Some Assembly Required

I've been reading Marvel comics all my life.

The House of Ideas (Marvel) has been telling me stories that I can relate to before I even knew I could relate to them. I learned about love from Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy. I learned about family from the Fantastic Four. Daredevil taught me how to overcome obstacles. Harry Osborn showed me that even the high and mighty hit rock bottom. The X-Men taught me tolerance.

I was there during the dark days when it looked like Marvel was going to tank under bankruptcy. I was there when they took a gamble on Wesley Snipes and a little movie called Blade I begrudgingly watched as they sold their properties to various film studios, and shrieked in horror as Hollywood made some terrible films. (Fantastic Four, Spider-Man 3, X-Men 3, Wolverine- anything)

But then a silver lining appeared. Marvel began making their own movies. Iron Man was fired from the cannon first, and soon followed by The Incredible Hulk, Iron Man 2, Thor, and Captain America: The First Avenger


...and then the day came. The day when several separate heroes would all share one screen for one epic tale.

May 4th 2012 was that day.

The Avengers opened up this past weekend and shattered all sorts of records even becoming the highest opening in North American cinematic history earning about 200 Million.

As far as reviews go, I can't tell you anything that 96% of the world hasn't already told you on various sites. However, I can try-

I can tell you that Joss Whedon (creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Astonishing X-Men writer) has conjured up magic.
I can warn you that if you HAVE NOT seen the movies I earlier listed in that specific order, and seen the teaser trailers post credits of each film, you may be a bit confused.

I can also tell you prepare for the greatest comic book movie you've ever seen. Now I know a lot of you The Dark Knight fans are sucking your teeth, but I've said it over and over again. Ledger's death made that movie. When Ledger's not on the screen, it lacks. ...also for it to be such a huge ripoff of The Long Halloween it's disappointing that they didn't continue in that direction. (Although, I will admit the finished product was epic)

However, The Avengers is HUMONGOUS. It's action packed. It's funny. It doesn't alienate the non-comic reader. It doesn't abandon the lifelong fans. It isn't afraid to showcase its humanity.

It's the emphasis on each character that really makes this work where X-Men failed. Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.), Captain America (Chris Evans) and Thor (Chris Hemsworth), have had films of their own, but it's showcased here in the what they're saying, and how they say it. The best moments aren't in the over blown intense action scenes- (which by the way, it seems Whedon is a master at capturing fight choreography.) it's in the moments between them. The snappy comic paced dialogue between characters, like Tony Stark and Dr. Bruce Banner going full on genius science lingo that no one else understands, especially the out of time, poor Captain America. The talks when the characters are sharing the misfortunes or circumstances that lead them to where they are now. The basic human nature that takes these fictional characters and forces us to relate. Case in point, Captain America's boy scout idealism when referring to Thor to Black Widow, "There's only one God ma'am, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't dress like that."

Surprisingly, Scarlett Johansson's Black Widow is a far more interesting character here than she was in Iron Man 2, and The Hulk is far more incredible in his few scenes than he's ever been in any movie, or any cartoon, or any speck of your tiny imagination. Added bonus, he actually looks like the actor that plays him this time around. (Mark Ruffalo)

Another unexpected treat was the humor. Holy crap it was the funniest movie this year has seen so far. From the sharp witty one-liners to the overly-dramatic monologues and dialogue, to the obvious total self-awareness, the film has an overall balance similar to that of Iron Man, in that light and fun, yet capable of being heavy if need be sort of way.

The really funny comes out of well-timed tongue-in-cheek moments watching how the characters behave, the context in which we find them. Again, poor Cap and Thor being square pegs in round holes types in the modern world. The way the film acknowledges that these are silly superheroes in today's world. 

There are two negatives though, but both are minor (the plot is a tad flimsy, in the predictable sense, and  the BIG reveal at the film's end will leave non-comic book fans in complete confusion whether you watched the previous films or not) However NEITHER of those are not enough to stop the juggernaut of fun, and awesome that is The Avengers.

So trust me and most of the world and go see this damn movie if you haven't already!

(Stay for the 2 hidden scenes at the end. The 1st- which I just mentioned, and the last which is the bookend joke to the film)

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!!

What Kate Did

Ok.

If you have a vagina, then I'm willing to bet at some point in your life you've been called a whore. (or as Biggie put it: A slut, a whore or a freak.)

I remember when I met my first real floozy. I was 15 years old, and my experience with women was limited to the girlfriend I had at the time. She was the friend of another bitch that met my friend Gee at a party in Maryland. She was introduced to me (and Gee) over the phone, for the sole purpose of me keeping her entertained when Gee finally convinced the friend to travel to D.C. to give him some ass. See? Even before I became the scampish  Casanova I eventually became, I was an awesome wingman. (Maverick status. Who checkin' me?) However, it didn't work out that way.

It turns out, this particular tramp somehow discovered Gee's number and had been talking to him in secret, despite her best friend had become quite enamored with him. Her hussy behavior didn't stop there- no...  a couple weeks later, I get a phone call from Gee demanding that I come over and retrieve said wench from his house for two reasons. 

1. Despite her deceptive phone voice, and equally deceptive exotic name, she did not physically meet our expectations. 
2. After the secret sex rendezvous, Gee expected her to leave. She didn't get the memo.

Why she wouldn't leave, I don't know at the time. I was young, and dumb. However, he was asking his wingman to come and play buffer. I mean after all, by secretly communicating with him, and then coming over to sleep with a man her best friend liked, she was exhibiting some tawdry behavior. Why didn't she play her part and go home like a tart should? Who knows. A week later, the scalliwag she slept with me. Days after that skeezer showed up again, upon impulsice request from Gee, and slept with his other friend, Wally. Not far after that, the roller popped up over Gee's house unexpectedly, and ended up performing fellatio to Gee while I played Sonic the Hedgehog just a mere couple feet away. (For the record, he warned me to leave, but it took me hours to get to that level)

I'm digressing from the point of this entry. 

A couple days after she sucked my friend's dick in front of me (well, behind me yet close enough that she should've been a tad embarrassed) Gee and I got drunk and she popped up unexpectedly again- a trait that I would later discover all trollops shared- and Gee openly and to her face called her a whore. I wasn't surprised he did that, I was surprised that I quickly and apparently agreed, while ignoring the fact that we just shared the same girl within the same month.

I'm going to fast forward here and try to dive face first into my point. 

Despite the word slut has a certain ubiquitous air about it, you'll never hear it used seriously to describe a man's actions. Nor any of the other terms I've carefully used in this post to describe her or her actions. Sure, SOME will call a man a 'dog' or some other vanilla, but really- a multitude of words have basically become synonymous with a promiscuous woman. Face it ladies. A man that sleeps around gets high fives. A woman that does it gets demerits and the shaking of heads. Is it fair? No. Does it make sense? No. Is it right? No. 

Is it the way it is? Umm. Yeah.

Well, wait. It does make sense if you really look at the true purpose of these terms. Think about it. The sole purpose of any of these terms is to control women through shame and humiliation. Think it doesn't work? It does. It's just as effective as shitting on a woman's self esteem to get her to give you some. Classic manipulation.

A woman's body, not a man's- will always be vied over for control whether it's rape, reproductive rights, or violence against women. Sucks, but it's the way it is.

It's the entire premise behind asking a man for his daughter's hand, and that father 'giving her away.' (and if you're a super conservative you've heard of those 'Purity Balls') I mentioned it in an earlier post but ya'll should really read up on that virgin/whore dichotomy thing.

The slut/pimp conundrum will never make sense logically. Why is a woman less of a person, or (my favorite) "dirty," because she has sex? (Heterosexual sex, that is; because somehow lesbian sex isn't "real.") Does dick have some bizarre dirtymaking power that I'm unaware of? AS MUCH as I use my dick, I thought I knew all of its uncanny abilities. With every partner a woman has sex with does she lose a bit of her moral compass? I'll never know the answer... and frankly neither will you.

Fact is- this is one of those things in life that will probably never be resolved. Kinda like why are women allowed to do the easy pushups, get an abortion or refuse one without the father's consent, (I know, I know- it's her body, blah blah- but there are horror stories out there) or take maternity leave even if they adopt. (It's true. Some jobs allow that)

It's sad. It truly is. I don't care who you sleep around with. That's between you and God. Or... whoever you wanna end up with. Yes, I do judge women that sleep with certain calibers of guys- but that's my opinion and I'm entitled that. I don't however need to, belittle a woman for sleeping around, and YES, I do enjoy the occasional courtesan. Point is- stop giving girls a hard time over their choices of laps to sit on. There are more fair ways to get the pie, and furthermore, it's a dick move. Just give it a thought. I implore you to consider the ridiculousness of this double standard.

...but then again... you could look at it the way my very drunk, very gay (yet very wise about women)  mentor told me...

"If a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. If a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock."

...but if you look at it that way, the whole thing makes sense. ...and we're back at square one.

The whole world thinks I'm a slut and a whore. That's what I'm going to have to cope with for the rest of my life. -Faria Alam

Jack, Meet Ethan. Ethan? Jack.

A friend of mine is going through something that was eerily similar to a situation that I went through a couple years ago, while I was experimenting with the idea of being in a serious relationship before I was mature enough to do so.
Basically, my girlfriend was getting hit on at her job by her co-worker, (who later turned out to be her ex-boyfriend) and it was "unwanted". She decided to tell me, I suppose to keep me abreast of the situation, (I sincerely hope she didn't think I was going up to her job to fight for her honor. C'mon son. I was making 3x what she does and I ain't fucking my check up for nobody's rottencrotch) I immediately replied that she should  tell homeboy that she didn't want his attention and that it made her uncomfortable- then if he persisted, tell her HR rep. At the very least she could just ask her manager to schedule her at different hours than he. At the most, she could have asked my Godmother- who was the regional manager of the job- to let him go. She did nothing. 


Oh, well she did one thing.
She continuously kept me updated on her supposed annoyance and failure to do anything. Almost as if... I was one of her girlfriends or something. Now, my situation ended with me eventually realizing that the girl was missing a couple screws and ultimately ignoring her in the relationship sense. I refused to allow her to make me as upset as she claimed she was by this.
Which is funny, because if the roles were reversed, well...

Now- my friend is going through a very similar situation. The only difference is he doesn't have a Godmother that could fire the perpetrator. He only has a girlfriend that thinks she should be entitled to telling him over and over how her supervisor is hitting on her, despite knowing she's involved, because he needs to be supportive of her... which is complete bull. Oh, and unlike my situation, his has been going on for months.

This got me to thinking. Thinking about any man in this situation, or similar ones.

First things first.
Sometimes the saying,
"If you want to talk about the situation, call your girlfriend. If you want the solution, call your boyfriend."
is very true. (Some) Women have a tendency to want to pine over a situation for long periods of time, regardless if she knows what the best course of action would be or not. Most men do not. Faced with a problem, (most) men usually accept the solution and initiate it- whether it's wrong or right.

Now, back to the situation.
She's wrong. There's no other way around thinking about it. (in my opinion.)
 In this life, if you do not want to/do not take the steps to correct behaviors or situations you do not like, then you give away, I repeat, YOU GIVE AWAY, your right to complain. I can't get any more straight forward than that. The fact that she has allowed this nonsense to continue for months has provided the perpetrator more than enough leeway to continue to do so without any reason to stop. Without saying something, she is sending the guy mixed signals. Sure, he shouldn't be doing it in the workplace, but like I said- if you don't say anything he doesn't know he's wrong. (Or maybe he does and doesn't give a damn, in which case she needs to go higher than he is.)

However, there are some that may feel that she's not at fault because they whole situation will make her uncomfortable, or have her fearing the loss of her job. All of those feelings are things that you willingly decide are not more important than your level of comfort getting unnecessary attention from your boss if you say nothing. Truth is, with that kind of mindset, your priorities are WAY out of order, if you believe that letting someone continuously harass you (no matter how mild, or aggressive it is- unwanted is unwanted) is okay and you should just deal with it since you want to keep your job.

And what about the boyfriend that you think it's oh SOOO cool to keep him updated on the affairs of your negligence? I suppose at no point he's not supposed to think:

My girlfriend actually likes the boss a bit, and the special attention she receives. If she didn’t she'd be repulsed and would have been reported him from the beginning. She's having her cake and eating it too...


Oh, but he will. He probably has and just hasn't said anything.

Sad thing about these situations is most women learn that lesson too late.
You know, after the boss/co-worker gets really bold and goes too far. But by that time, all your other co-workers are confused at your sudden disgust- which essentially means that she will get blamed for wanting the attention initially.



Instead of complaining to your boyfriend, your girlfriend, WHOEVER- the point remains if you're getting hit on by someone at work, it's unwanted and you feel at anytime that it's not worth losing your job over, then you need to take a good hard look at yourself. Because I'm telling you. Several months is unacceptable, and I personally would start to wonder what his perspective of the story is like.

Think about it. 

It May Never Change...(but it's easily forgotten)

I have a question.

Whenever us 80's babies are talking about music from our childhood- we always bring up Motownphilly, or Skee-Lo's I Wish, we may even drop some Heavy D and the Boyz or hell, bring up Shanice's I Love your Smile... but I never-

and I mean EVER, hear anybody bring this song or group up.

Mista- Blackberry Molasses (1996)

I mean, yes the song is pretty damn depressing, but still. This was a good damn song.
Right now, you're probably smiling and saying out loud, I remember this.

Hey! Look at lil' Bobby Valentino!!

Because You Left

"...No. No. I'm a catch. And I am not going to be the one who got away..." -Michael Scott, The Office (Chair Model)

First and foremost, it's been a long time. I shouldn't have left you... but there's been a lot on my plate. However, I'm back and I wanted to speak to you about something so let's just get right to it. 

Here goes. Ready?
Outside of sex, NEVER go back to an ex. EVER.

It seems like every other week I hear of somebody going back to an ex, just as somebody else is complaining and breaking up with the ex they got back with the other week. I've never gone back to an ex. It's completely pointless. I will explain why in a minute. 

And when I say that, I also include that asinine term- 'The one that got away' (which is the EXACT person we shall discuss)

See, the reason exes fascinate you so much is because your ego blows the old romance you once shared with that person out of proportion, and ALL YOU SEE IS THE GOOD. An ex comes back in your life talking about how things will be different this time around and how they've changed and oh, they're paying SO MUCH attention to you. Your ego is so smitten that they came crawling back that you unwittingly ignore the bad; or maybe you're not ignoring it completely- but you definitely trivialize it. You don't think about the stuff that sank the relationship in the first place.

In fact, you're more likely to idealize the whole experience- remembering something greater than it actually was. 

Because no matter what he/she say says this time around, there is one inalienable truth: If he/she was that great, they would've never left/'broke up for good' in the first place. 

I say this all the time, but one of the problems facing romance in this age is people frequently confuse 'in love' with 'fleeting' (In my opinion it's the number one reason why guys call girls 'Wifey' which leads to early marriages/shacking up and inevitable divorce.)

And get this, most people don't consider the absolute need for some things to be neutral when they're blinded by 'fleeting'. But we're talking about 'the one that got away' which implies the love of your life. Your highest human interest. They didn't have that neutral stake with you. You weren't the love of their life. They broke up with you. So when they come back to you and tells you that you were always the one-

-you go and believe them? 

Grief of a failed relationship can become obsessive- I don't know why- may be it's a way of hanging onto something or someone long gone. Problem is, when you hang on to things that are long gone, the effort that it costs you will keep you from living any other happier life. 

The ex is always sooo giving, and flexible and so great when they want to come back, but they're not right in the head because if they were, they wouldn't have rebounded from wherever they just came from so easily. Chances are they're confused and just want someone, anyone, to nurture them.

(I'd like to add here, that anybody who comes back while dealing with someone else, or with unresolved issues with another person is a potential cheater and is only looking for sex. Period.)

'The One that Got Away' is a cliche that invokes passiveness or self-pity. Think about it. (Also consider, 'the one that got away' kinda implies that they were captured at some point.) If you're living in the past grieving about something long gone, then it's very easy to feel that way. Did they really get away??

-or are you just the one that won't go away?

With all that being said, I will admit... though I've NEVER gone back to an ex, there's only one situation where I'd consider it. 
Here goes: The woman and I would have had to been like, BEST friends and we had drunken sex a couple times and I didn't realize when she came clean and admitted she's been in love with me for years and I rejected her, only to later realize that I've been in love with her too. (or vice versa)

or: She writes a record breaking, multi-platinum album about our experience together...and her name is Adele.

Before I leave, I want to leave you with some bullet points. (feel free to print these out and stick 'rm in your wallet)

How to tell if your ex wants to come crawling back to you:

• They take initiative to reach out to you. (Especially if it's through friends, family, INTERNET, etc.)
• They stare at you/touch you the same as when they were with you
• They hang around you longer than they have before (whether it's in person, on the phone etc.)
• They make themselves more attractive for you, implementing improvements you once suggested
• They make efforts to make things right with you
• They talk about the relationship/breakup and how things could have been better
• They allude to a future... and you're in it.

and it wouldn't be fair if I didn't bullet point reminders why you should IGNORE all those things. 

Reasons why you should NOT get back with your ex:

• It didn't work out for a reason!
• Living in, and RE-living the past prevents you from MOVING ON!
• Sure, some couples get back together and live happily ever after- but how many examples are there? THAT YOU ACTUALLY KNOW??
• People ...adults, DO NOT change!
• Do NOT settle for anyone who couldn't keep you around in the first place!

Until next time, 

Tescadero.

30 Days/30 Songs. Day 25: A Song that Makes you Laugh

Your Horoscope For Today - "Weird Al" Yankovic

Well.
This one was a lil' difficult. The immaturity in me laughs every time I hear MC Vagina's (Jon Lajoie) 'Show Me Your Genitals' or 'Guns don't Kill People'

Seriously. Even if the 'Show Me Your Genitals' (...and its remix, SMYG 2: E= MC Vagina ) is hugely offensive to women and decent thinking people... there's another song that constantly comes back as  THE song that makes me chuckle at it's simultaneous ridiculousness, and blatant, sardonic TRUTH.

From the polka-esque beat, to his cheering of each zodiac sign in the background, to the fortunes for each one resulting in shame, death or near grave injury- this song is genius.

The best part to me is the bridge(**)- where he rapidly states the condescending point of the song- purposely said at a breathtaking pace to not insult people too bad.

...but that's what makes the song hilarious- because there are people out here that really believe
that half a billion people in the world are going to have the same day- nevermind that your horoscope isn't ever personalized, so it applies to a twelfth of the world's population.

No, that's not crazy at all.


Because you're probably reading this shaking your head and considering all the books and psychics ya paid, saying "But, my horoscope has come true on several occasions!"
Yeah, see that's called subjective validation -which means you pick up on coincidences and assign them to an incorrect meaning. This especially happens when it's something that has personal meaning to you: when you want it to be more than a coincidence. You know... like that timeless saying "If you're looking for it, you'll find it."

Here's another example. When your cell phone rings out your line of sight, and you think "Oh, I bet that's just my baby callin' me" and holy shit! It is? Spooky, huh? Psychic, huh?

No, fool.

Because I bet you're not considering all those times you think it's your baby- and it's a bill collector.


Whatever.


**: Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the
relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep
significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give
you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid,
scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not
to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.

Where was I?