Some Like It Hoth [Being awesome instead]

Twice this week, I've been reminded of my Anakin Skywalker days.

You know... Anakin Skywalker...infamous good guy tragic fall from grace... becomes Darth Vader... yeah that guy, and those days. See most of you know me as this hedonistic drunk, a guy who creates crazy situations, just to sit back and watch it all go down. Maybe you've heard that I'm a confident womanizer, likes girls with 'daddy issues' and is always willing to offer his (sometimes hypocritical) opinion. I've heard that I can be opportunistic and manipulative, and will attempt to manipulate a situation so that it goes my way. Most of that is true.

Significant others of my friends know another sparkling quality about me. I'm the guy that tells them [my friends] to challenge their amazonian/chauvinistic master hood. Some of them believe that I'm the butterfly effect that brought about the end of their "perfect relationship". For some of them, that's true. Most of them it's not.

Believe it or not, I once was a 'good guy'

I was a romantic. Earlier in the week- I was reminded of the time I stood outside in the rain waiting on a chance to bump into Woody, a former member of the R&B group, Dru Hill. An hour later, I meet him, soaked... and he signs his CD, so that I can fulfill the desires of the girl I was seeing- who was his 'number 1' fan. Flash forward a month into the future- and she leaves me to be with a guy who failed the 10th grade twice, and had a kid. I'm using 'leaves' freely because as I would find out during that same week, she wasn't 'with' me in the first place. She was as she said it- "just having fun." Don't believe me? Well... here's some circumstantial evidence.

After several crushing situations, including being involved with a victim of domestic abuse only to turn around and watch her go back to the clown- I like Anakin, ...fell to the dark side. The dark side, which was becoming the person I am now. Complete with the drinking binges, and the reckless juggernauting of random women's nether regions. Which reminded me of another fictional character whose story almost mirrors mine exactly. Barney Stinson. (from "How I Met Your Mother") He was a happy guy, in love with a girl only to have her coldly leave him for an arrogant rich guy. Not too long after he became exactly what his love left him for. His transformation from a lover to a luster was even like mine: (lol, notice the Darth Vader influence)

I tell you this to point out, I too know what it feels like to be in a dead-end stressful relationship.

I was totally smitten with at least five women before I crossed over. I don't regret it, I just choose not to re-live it. Simply because, in retrospect- I was lying to myself when I was with 4 of them. I knew at some level, that I never would marry those girls, or have children with them.

It's funny, people like to talk down about my lifestyle- how I'm hiding behind a fear of rejection or I'm afraid of giving in, or whatever- but that's not true. I'm not sad at all. I've been out there, I know what it's like. I've experienced some great situations- I've experienced some shitty ones. I like the comfort of knowing that I'd rather play around with numerous women I'm never going to want to be in a relationship, while still open to receive 'the one' -than to actually be with someone who I know deep down it's never going to work. I'm not afraid of relationships, I'm afraid of wasting time. I'm not afraid of falling in love, I'm afraid of falling in love with the idea of being in love. I have the ability to straighten out my act if the RIGHT thing comes along, but I don't need to be with someone so desperately that I find someone and try to 'fix' and 'mold' them into something I want. Boo to that noise.

I'm often labeled as the guy who's miserable and just wants to "drag everyone down into my miserable pit of bachelorhood" but that's far from the truth. I don't 'need' anyone (as I've heard folk say), and I don't have to act a certain way when my ladyfriend is around, just to 'let it all hang out' when she's not around. If you have to do that, then you're a slave to the falsified ideas of romance. Furthermore, my life's my own- I have to fix my shit daily. I'm not thinking about the sexual status of two other people. So, before you point that shameful finger at me, or Barney, or any other guy or gal like us- look at the quagmire you're in. Chances are, your shit failed before it even started.

...or maybe I'm just ranting again. Bring on the loose wimmens.

"One day I was sad, but then I stopped being sad and started being awesome instead. True story." -Barney Stinson

LaGrandeur [Destiny of all Men]

If "greatness is thrust upon us," as Winston Churchill once said, then it stands to reason that those who are destined for greatness are rarely aware of it. In more reasons than one, that makes perfect sense. If one knew what his life had in store for him, then his thoughts his choices, everything about his behavior would all be to promote or sway his predestined path.

If people truly had the power to map out their own destiny, then everyone would have a success story, no?

Maybe. Maybe not. Such a paradoxical life we live, and depending on how you look at it, it can be saddening. What about the folk who everyone enjoys, that want to ascend to 'their' own personal greatness- yet they're wasting their life working at a convenience store?

Or...
That's what everyone has them believe.

Who's to say that greatness means success- or fame and fortune? Shouldn't it really be about making a difference? Improving the quality of life? Does that mean anything anymore? Hmm. Maybe it does, probably does not.

I've always been a bit of a charlatan. I've been deceptive in my social life, and my romances. However, I was mostly deceptive to myself, in the form of self-deprecating humor, stoicism, and secret pseudo-misanthropy. It wasn't until recently that I discovered the worth of life, friends, and a good woman.

I guess the point I'm trying to make here is I've discovered my own personal greatness. No, I'm not a millionaire and I'm not known around the world. I am however, loved by few. I am finally experiencing regret for the men I've killed. I am ready to make some woman truly happy. (...but I'm not stupid, so that last one I won't rush.) I look forward to helping my people now, and I don't expect help in return. I realize now that The Constant wasn't blowing smoke up my ass. I am a survivor. I'm going to march where others stumble...and I shall be there to help them up so they can stand beside me. For if I see folk on the way up, it's only feasible that I will see them on the way down if I ever fall.

I'm not perfect. It's just what I think. (...and NO. this doesn't make me a hippie.)

"I think the destiny of all men is not to sit in the rubble of their own making but to reach out for an ultimate perfection which is to be had. At the moment, it is a dream. But as of the moment we clasp hands with our neighbor, we build the first span to bridge the gap between the young and the old. At this hour, it’s a wish. But we have it within our power to make it a reality. If you want to prove that God is not dead, first prove that man is alive." -Rod Serling