Thursday, December 4, 2014

Sorry about the job. I had to go see about a girl #30DayChallenge -Day 5: Your Favorite Drama Movie

"...You don't know about real loss, 'cause that only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much..."
                                             -Robin Williams as Sean Maguire (Good Will Hunting, 1997)

I like a lot of things. I'm fairly indecisive too, so I always cringe a bit when someone asks me, "What's your favorite (insert whatever thing here)?"

For the longest time, I never knew that my favorite drama film was. Then Robin Williams killed himself earlier this year. As the over opinionated masses poured over their keyboards about how this complete stranger affected their lives, I also took a trip back down into some of his works, a couple episodes of Mork & Mindy, the films Aladdin (of course), World's Greatest Dad, Mrs. Doubtfire, The Birdcage, Dead Poets Society, Hook (probably my favorite RW film), and a little independent film from 1997 called Good Will Hunting. It was that night two days after Williams' suicide, I sat in bed watching this film I had not seen in years, that I discovered my favorite drama.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Because You Were Home. #30DayMovieChallenge -Day 4: Your Favorite Horror Movie

"...Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn."
                                                           -Alfred Pennyworth (The Dark Knight, 2008)

Jason NEVER scared me.
Freddy was a comedian. Chucky was a ridiculously stupid concept. Mike Myers was just confusing. I've never been moved by America's concept of 'horror' to be honest, Maybe it was because my mother watched a crap load of horror films with me when I was a kid, or maybe that was the first signs of non emotional personality. Who knows?
Then I saw 'The Shining' and while the majority wasn't really a big deal to me, there was one scene that stood out in my head. That really bothered me down to my core.

"All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy"

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

You Will Fail Here. #30DayMovieChallenge- Day 3: Your Favorite Adventure Movie



"You lost today, kid. ...but that doesn't mean you have to like it." - Fedora Guy

I didn't have the best relationship with my father as a kid. I still don't.
Apparently neither did Henry Jones Jr., better known as Indiana Jones. In the third installment of the franchise, Indy (Harrison Ford) returns to search for his father, (Sean Connery) who has been abducted by the Nazi party in order to find the Holy Grail. While on the surface, this film is about both Jones finding the artifact- in reality it's about Indiana discovering himself and developing a rapport with his dad.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Nothing to Live For #30DayMovieChallenge- Day 2: The Last Movie You Watched

I met Brian in the lunch line.
It was 1999. He asked me if I wanted my pudding. I'm a bit particular about my food flavors, and tapioca isn't on the 'yes' list.

Fast friends, as often troubled folk are attracted to one another. Brian was the namesake of an elder brother that was killed 17 years prior, Somehow he never stepped out of the shadow of his ghost brother he never met.

He was the first person to say "I don't give a fuck" in front of me; and still to this day is the only person I believed. 

I hadn't thought of Brian for years. Until I saw John Wick. Keanu Reeves returned to the action genre as Wick, aka The Boogeyman, a legendary mob assassin. John retired from his violent life, and settled with a woman who soon after died from an unrevealed illness. John falls into a great depression, and it isn't until he receives a gift, a puppy, from his lover posthumously that life starts to look up. As fate would have it though, the dog is senseless ly murdered by some foolish thieves with ties to his old life. 

I started thinking about Brian because he would often talk about his life, and how he didn't want to be here anymore. By here, he meant Earth. I thought about ambition, and happiness, and that spark we all have that gives us purpose, gives us that hunger for more. 

Brian's purpose was basketball. He loved that game. Obviously more than he loved himself, because after a car accident took the athleticism out of his leg, he killed himself. 

As I was watching John Wick, and its intentional blue hues, and violently delicious choreography, I thought about what happens when that spark we all have is snatched away by circumstances beyond your control. I remember the girls I  hung with adored Brian when he was the school star.  I wasn't exactly a friend of Brian, but I remember talking to him in that cafeteria about how disgusting tapioca is, and days later, he wouldn't be here anymore. 

I wonder...  What my spark is. 

"And from that day forward, Frog-Child and Snake-Child never played together again. By they often sat alone in the sun, thinking about their one day of friendship. "
-African Folk Tale, The Children's Book of Virtue 
Movie: John Wick (2014)
Director: Chad Stahelski
Genre: Action, Shoot 'Em Up
Starring: Keanu Reeves, Willem Dafoe, Alfie Allen
Netflix: Not Yet


Monday, November 17, 2014

It's Not WHO You Love, It's HOW #30DayMovieChallenge- Day 1: Your Favorite Movie

It's been an entire year since the last time I spoke to The Constant.

(Though it must be said, if I removed her from my life, then she really wouldn't be The Constant, would she?)

Last week I was thinking about how far I've come... romantically. 10 years ago, when I was dealing with The Constant, I couldn't bring myself to tell a girl that I loved her, or even give a decent hug. I was a deviant, the pilot of a reckless life. Now, I'm climbing out of a year long relationship with a woman that I considered giving my last name.

I can't help but think... a lot of that evolution started when I became comfortable with who I am. I am the King of Urban Legend. If any woman is ever going to love me, and be with me she's going to have to deal with everything that I've done in the past, because those experiences led me to who I am today.

Which gets me thinking about my favorite movie, because it captured that very life lesson.

In 1997, Chasing Amy hit the world and the brain of young Tescadero, and I instantly fell for it's crude, yet charming way of telling a tale of friendship, society, and the 'expected behaviors' of people dabbling in sex, and romance.

In short, the film is about comic book artists/writers particularly a pair of friends, Holden (Ben Affleck) and Banky. (Jason Lee) It's at a comic convention that Holden meets Alyssa Jones, (Joey Lauren Adams) another comic writer. During a dart game at a nearby bar, Holden and Alyssa discover they are of like minds, and it's obvious Holden has a huge crush on Alyssa, which he feels is mutual, until he learns haphazardly that Alyssa is a lesbian. Holden tries to stow his feelings, but Alyssa caves and reciprocates. This pisses off Banky, and all is well until Holden hears a nasty rumor about Alyssa, that may or may not be true. Emotional anarchy ensues that strengthens, yet at the same time poetically threatens the common ideas of love, friendship, and happiness.

Since the first time I saw this film, it spoke to me.
I related to the wild Alyssa Jones. I understood her plight, the desire to be who you are, without judgement from people who think their life plans, or what they feel is 'normal', should be applied to you. I remember a time in my life when I answered every single stress, or bad feeling in pools of whisky and the embraces of random women of all genres. Maybe I knew their names, maybe I didn't. I remember She asked me, how many women I had been with, and because I thought I loved her (maybe I did) I told her, because I wanted her to know me. I remember hearing the disgust in her voice when I couldn't come up with an answer.

And... for the longest time after that moment, I thought I was the freak. The disgrace.
I allowed someone else to make me feel ashamed of myself. I allowed someone else to make me want to 'better' myself.' Because that's what you do when you are emotionally invested in someone else. You tend to put their  desires above your own. Even if those desires aim to jeopardize the very actions that make you who YOU are.

I was Alyssa Jones.
I'm emotionally handicapped to this day, but now I'm wiser and refuse to allow someone else to dictate my ideas on love, or relationships because they feel that I'm flawed, or not normal.
I changed myself to please somebody who A) didn't appreciate my efforts, and B) isn't interesting to me anymore. I allowed someone else's insecurities to consume me and regret the things I had done to discover myself. Silly me, silly me.

I'm at that age where all my friends are getting married, or having kids... And I'm crushing on people is like to think only as friends and is just a clusterfuck of everything. 

But that's the funny thing about love, everybody has their ideas of how it works- and we're all wrong. It's not who you love. There's no good guy, or bad woman. It's how you love. Sadly, some will never understand that. Since giving up on The Constant, I've been involved with The Variable and The Substitute, and many others in pursuit of The Candidate. I've allowed many people to love me, and I've displayed some feelings as well. Each experience has brought something different out of me, and I'm pretty sure I've done the same for them...
but ...well. You know.

Hell, maybe you aren't in my shoes, or Alyssa's maybe you're on the other side of the equation. The point is, STOP letting dumb shit prevent you from being happy. And maybe step out on that limb and tell that friend,  or that girl that works at the coffee house that you like her. You never know. I'm just rambling at this point. 
Aight, peace



MovieChasing Amy (1997)
Director: Kevin Smith
Genre: Comedy, Drama, Romance
Starring: Ben Affleck, Joey Lauren Adams, Jason Lee
Netflix Streaming: Yes




Tuesday, July 22, 2014

We're the Guardians of the Freakin' Galaxy - Movie Review


The wait is over. The tenth chapter in the Marvel Cinematic Universe is here. I was lucky enough to score a pass to see the film on the exact same day it was released to Hollywood for its world premiere, so hopefully I can pass along some of that joy to you in this review. 



So without further ado...
Let me start by saying I was a little worried how Marvel fast tracked 'Guardians' from their reboot in 2008, to Nova and Rocket Raccoon appearing in 'Marvel vs. Capcom 3', to the obvious new position as Marvel's flagship team. The film, directed and written by James Gunn, (Scooby-Doo, Super) seems to understand everything that makes the Guardians work as a team. He seems to understand that at their core, The Guardians, whether we're talking about the original team from the 60's, to the new team starring in this film, the group has always been about a bunch of...C-listers (*cough* 'losers') that band together to defend the cosmos. Guardians... takes, this basic formula and makes a very enjoyable film.

*Spoiler Alert* The film cold opens up on Earth in 1988 with the origin of Chris Pratt's character, Peter Quill, a young boy that loves his walkman. Peter's mom dies from what appears to be cancer, and upon running from the hospital in tears, he is abducted by aliens. Fast forward 26 years later, Peter is now Star-Lord, and Star-Lord is some sort of space treasure hunter, and he's just stolen some strange orb of great importance to a lot of people. Some of these people who put a bounty on his head, which land him directly in the crosshairs of Rocket Raccoon and Groot, voiced by Bradley Cooper and Vin Diesel respectively. Zoe Saldana, as the deadly Gamora, joins the mix also after Star-Lord and his orb, sent by the nefarious Ronan the Accuser and Thanos. Finally, Drax the Destroyer (Dave Batista) completes the group on a quest to kill Ronan for the murder of his family The purpose of a mysterious orb that later is revealed as one of the Infinity Stones by The Collector (Benicio Del Toro), first seen in the post-credits teaser of Thor: The Dark World, who explains to the Guardians (and the audience) what these vast power sources are (the Tesseract from Captain America, and Avengers and the Aether from Thor: The Dark World) Ronan, played by Lee Pace, has a hard-on for destroying the planet Xandar, home of the Nova Corp- a military police force helmed by Nova Prime, (Glenn Close). Ronan has made a deal with Thanos (menacingly voiced and motion captured by Josh Brolin) to destroy Xandar upon giving him the orb. However, Ronan's ego doesn't take to kindly to Thanos treatment once he discovers what the orb is.

The movie moves along at a moderate pace, there aren't any moments that feel like it's dragging along other than the obvious that these five characters could get more done together, than at each other's throats. For their initial, jump into the space adventure genre Marvel does well. Chris Pratt channels some of his wife's (Anna Farris) comedic timing in Star-Lord's clumsy approach to the perils of his lifestyle. Zoe Saldana's role as Gamora, the living weapon is strong, deadly and independent. If the feminists who foolishly had a problem with Scarlett's Black Widow have a problem here, then they're just picking fights. Sure, she gets saved once by Star-Lord, but she returns the favor twice. Batista as Drax gets the job done, because none of his lines are meant to win any Oscars. Drax is a big meathead. He knows it, and he plays it very well.  Rocket Raccoon, an anthropomorphic weapon smith, steals the show with his hilarious cynical approach to just about everything. You sorta miss when Rocket isn't on the screen, and Gunn delightfully gives us just enough of Rocket to be satisfied, but not be tired of him. Groot, Rocket's counterpart, is a warm character, almost child like, but dangerous if the need be. The friendship between Rocket and Groot play out much like George and Lennie from Of Mice and Men. But then again, the whole film plays on the theme of friendship/family and working together.

Marvel has exhibited its ability to make great movies before but what really sets Guardians apart from the previous nine films can be attributed to 4 points.
                       
1. It's the first Marvel space adventure: Sure, we've seen aliens and other worlds before, (Thor, The Avengers, and Thor 2) but this is the first film where the actual setting is NOT Earth.

2. It doesn't have the pressures of dealing with characters you know: Since the realization that these Marvel Studios films were a hit, everyone who has read the Marvel wiki, or has ever seen three episodes of the Fox X-Men cartoon of the early 90's is suddenly a comic fan know-it-all with their own inflated opinion of the direction of the films.

3. It stands alone:
No clever little inside jokes, or dialog that connect the film to the other films, with the exception of Thanos' appearance and The Collector's explanation of the Infinity Stones also, *slight spoiler* don't waste your time waiting behind after the film. There are no post credit trailers.

4. Marvel's got Mickey money and ain't afraid to use it:
The film has a fantastic soundtrack full of 60's-70's light rock, pop, and R&B which feature prominently in the film, playing a vital role in Star-Lord's progression as a character and setting the overall mood I imagine the clearing price of all the songs I heard throughout the film was half the film's overall budget alone. Apart from the music, there's a fantastic spaceship battle in the third act of the film, complete with massive city destruction and CG chaos. (In a weird way, it kinda makes you think if the space battles here look amazing, then what will the upcoming Star Wars look like?)

Aside from those, the film is fun! It manages to tackle the completely ridiculous subject matter of interplanetary war and obnoxious talking animals with great humor, well timed dialogs,  and above all, personality.
Sure, there are several 'light at the end of the tunnel' cliches, and that campy 'friendship power overcomes all' resolution, but it's excusable, because at the end of the day it's a comic book movie. Unlike Nolan's 'Dark Knight' trilogy, or the tone of the second Captain America film, it never loses sight of exactly what it is. A movie based on a comic book. It's a buddy-action film that will do fine among the other chapters of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Maybe it's that freedom of dealing with lesser known characters, maybe it's the wit of the script, or maybe it's Star-Lord's 'Awesome Mix, Vol. 1'  (which is also the film's soundtrack, and I'm SURE it will sell like hotcakes- I bought a copy five minutes ago.) that ensures that.

Whatever it is, it works. It works reeeaaaalllll good.
GO SEE. 3.75/5

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Ask a Geek: 'Captain America: The Winter Soldier'

Hey kids!
So you've seen the amazing Captain America: The Winter Soldier and you enjoyed it! (If you didn't, you're brain dead.)
Now, maybe you're filled with all sorts of crazy questions about what you saw, and the direction of the Marvel Universe. Have no fear, True Believer! You know me! ...or maybe you don't. But you know someone who told you to come here where all your questions will be answered and your geeky curiousity can be tamed!

If you haven't seen the movie, then you may wanna stop here. SPOILERS AHEAD.
Leggo!

1. Why the hell was it/he called 'The Winter Soldier'?

Good question. First off, he wasn't called The Winter Soldier because he got 'killed/separated' from Cap in the snow. (See: Captain America: The First Avenger) The explanation for Bucky's new title as 'The Winter Soldier' was implied in the movie via Black Widow's dialog and the fact that she was aware of who
he was. Don't forget before she worked for the Americans and S.H.I.E.L.D., she was a KGB agent. In the comics, after Bucky was blown up on a mission with Cap he was assumed dead because Cap could not find any remains of his body. The explosion that claimed his life in the comics was over an ocean, while in the movie he succumbed to a vast mountain gorge that Cap couldn't double back and search. Regardless, in both situations his cold preserved body was discovered  by Russian military on a routine training exercise, missing one arm. It was the Russians who fitted him with a new bionic arm, and took advantage of the brain damage induced amnesia he suffered. The star you may or may not have noticed on the shoulder of the bionic arm alludes to his Russian ties. During Cap's cryo stasis, The Winter Soldier was experimented on, and utilized in several black ops wet works missions over the years, and placed in cryo-sleep when not needed. Which is why it appears he's only aged a couple years since WW II. He was vital during the cold war, (probably why he's nicknamed 'The Winter Soldier') and an expert in unexplained political assassinations such as President Kennedy. The knowledge of The Winter Soldier's existence was confirmed in several intelligence agencies across the globe, but his identity remained a big hush hush, wink wink until his run-in with Captain America many years later. You may be a little skeptical how this was all even remotely conceivable, but you have to remember, in the comic Bucky Barnes wasn't the strapping young adult and big bro to Steve Rogers as he was in the first movie. Bucky Barnes was a teenager, a covert American child soldier. So even if it was possible that he survived that explosion, not many would've recognized him as a grown man. After Captain America restored Bucky's memories using the cosmic cube (a  near ultimate device very similar to the Tesseract from Captain America: The First Avenger, and The Avengers films) Bucky would eventually come back to the side of good, and even replace Cap when he assassinated after the Superhero Civil War.

2. NOBODY knew Bucky was still alive? ...C'mon. Really??
Yeah. It was a heavily guarded secret. And in both scenarios, Captain America witnessed his death.
(He just failed to confirm it, in both situations) Like I said in the first answer, Bucky was vital to the rise of Russia becoming a super-power, so he was a need to know secret. Similar to nuclear launch codes. Think of him as a covert Captain Russia. ...or Captain Soviet Union. (Whatever helps you sleep better at night.) Black Widow had a brief relationship with him in the 90's but since she wasn't alive during World War 2, how would she know that he was Bucky, the SAME Bucky from 'Captain America and Bucky'??

3. Ok. Why did everybody in the theater laugh when the traitor Sitwell mentioned the name 'Stephen Strange'? Who the hell is he?
Well, yeah the turncoat Agent Sitwell did mention a couple names that would be a threat to Hydra's world domination- Bruce Banner (The Hulk), Tony Stark (Iron Man) and Stephen Strange who in the Marvel Universe is none other than the Sorcerer Supreme himself, DR. STRANGE! So, I believe it's safe to say, this is Marvel Studios way of acknowledging that Dr. Strange exists in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and we're likely to see him pop up...maybe in Phase 3? (Go HERE to be taught the phases)

4. How the hell did Nick Fury not know Hydra was growing within S.H.I.E.L.D.?
We can chalk this up to a number of explanations. One, he was too distracted with several other things on his plate. He's super secret and bad ass like that. Two, Hydra is just as powerful and covert as S.H.I.E.L.D. is. If you really want me to shit in your cereal, I can tell you with confidence that A.I.M. (Advanced Idea Mechanics- they were introduced in Iron Man 3) are on the same page. But don't feel bad. There's a strong chance that there are several sleeper agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. within Hydra as well. Espionage just plays out like that.

5. What was that staff surrounded in blue light in the post-credits scene?
Okay this answer is a little tricky. So bear with me. Short answer: It's Loki's staff from The Avengers.
Now here's the long explanation. You may be confused because you're wondering how the hell did Hydra get their hands on it? This is where owning the movies comes into play. On the DVD/Blu-Ray of certain Marvel Studios films are bonus short films that bridge the films together even further. (The list is HERE.) There's The Consultant (found on Thor - It bridges Iron Man and The Incredible Hulk together. Showing how Tony Stark was played by S.H.I.E.L.D. to get Banner on The Avengers- it also foreshadows that Sitwell is a double agent.) then A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Thor's Hammer (found on Captain America: The First Avenger - it takes place before Thor and right after Coulson calls Tony Stark in Iron Man 2 explaining his absence) and then there's Item 47 (found on The Avengers) it shows how S.H.I.E.L.D. confiscated all evidence from the alien invasion, including weapons and crafts, for research and 'security' The agent in charge was Sitwell, who as you saw was a Hydra agent all along. Since Hydra had many members within S.H.I.E.L.D., that's how Hydra got Loki's staff. Now, as far as the Tesseract (the blue light on the staff) goes, that's up for speculation. Here's MY explanation. Yes, Thor took the Tesseract back to Asgard in The Avengers however, also in that film Captain America discovered a secret S.H.I.E.L.D. cache of weaponry they were developing to duplicate and combat the type of power Asgardians were capable of. My guess is that whatever that is that is now powering Loki's staff, it's a duplicate.

6. WHO THE HELL ARE THOSE PEOPLE IN THE POST CREDITS SCENE??
Well. The guy with the monocle doing all the talk of Hydra world domination would be Baron Von Strucker he's another one of those crazy Nazi turned Hydra leaders that probably deserve a bullet in the brain.
The 'twins' he referred to in the cage however, are none other than Scarlet Witch, and her brother, Quicksilver. This is very important if you aren't familiar with these characters. Here's why.
(Now granted. What I'm about to give you is their comic background) BOTH of these characters are mutants. Mutants as in X-Men, mutants. Quicksilver, or Pietro Maximoff, has the mutant ability of superhuman speed/reaction/physiology. It hasn't been said how fast he is currently, but he can run half the Earth in 92 seconds. His twin sister, Scarlet Witch, or Wanda Maximoff, has the (slightly confusing) ability to alter probability or warp reality by controlling chaos magics. Let's just say she's a pretty big damn deal. Both are active members of The Avengers, but they were first introduced in the comics as villains, working with their father until they changed their ways. Here's where it gets REALLY FUN. Their father is Magneto. THE Magneto, bad ass from the X-Men. Look at the happy family
Now. Here's where the fun kinda ends. Unfortunately due to Marvel being broke years ago and selling certain characters to other film studios back in the early 2000's -Magneto (and probably the word 'mutant') are properties of Fox. (as far as films are concerned.) That means when Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch pop up in Avengers 2: Age of Ultron they probably won't be mutants, (especially since Quicksilver will also appear in X-Men: Days of Future Past) and they definitely won't mention their daddy. Also, since they are mutants, Fox kinda has rights to them too- so expect something REALLY STUPID like the two popping up in one of those ridiculous X-Men films in the future. And while we're on the topic of movie rights- if you're confused why some of these Marvel comics films are amazing, and some aren't- here's a fun Venn diagram that should set you straight. 
Well that's it for now kids! If you have any more questions or concerns feel free to leave it in the comment section and I'll hop on it as soon as I get a moment!

UPDATE!! (More questions! - April 9)

7. What was written on Nick Fury's tombstone? Everyone laughed, I didn't get it.
That particular visual joke was a bit of a breach of the fourth wall. It was a play on the whole, Samuel Jackson is a bad motherfucker.' thing he's owned for years. The tombstone read, "The Path of the Righteous Man..." a  portion of the bible verse Ezekiel 25:17, which is the line that Sam Jack repeated constantly in Pulp Fiction particularly to people before administering some type of firearmed justice.

8. Why did that traitorous Strike Force S.H.I.E.L.D. agent get saved in the end?
Well, even though they didn't show his comic book alter ego, the special agent that appeared to be second in command to Alexander Pierce, Rumlow is also known in the comics as Crossbones a ruthless mercenary. Crossbones in the comics is a ruthless combatant, weapons expert, and has gone toe to toe with Captain America numerous times. Although he isn't known as Crossbones in the film, the numerous camera shots of his chest showing his cargo straps in the form of an 'X' clearly are homage to his comic uniform.

9. Was the guy Captain America fought in the beginning important? He seemed like it.
He's another character that is actually in the comics, Batroc the Leaper a French mercenary, olympic level athlete and weightlifter, master of the French form of kickboxing, called Savate. He has focused an developed leg muscles which allows him to leap impressive distances, and is why he's nicknamed 'The Leaper' although he's typically labeled a villain because of the jobs he takes, he has been known to have a strong sense of morals and won't cross certain lines. This aspect was played in the movie when he requested Captain America fight him fairly. Side note, besides casting French-Canadian MMA champion Georges St. Pierre as Batroc, Batroc's real name is Georges Batroc. Which makes him double perfect to play the role! Good job, casting director!


Keep the questions coming!!

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

BONUS FEATURES: 6 Retorts Why 616 Captain America demands salutes from Ultimate Captain America.

Hey guys!
In preparation for the bad ass return of Captain America to return to the silver screen tomorrow, (how excited are we?!) I'm more than excited to open up this playful dialogue with my good friend and all-around comic and pop culture junkie +Troy-Jeffrey Allen, who actually has some great things cooking with his own comic, BAMN and over at Action A Go Go.

It is actually his really good (and I mean really good if you're interested in getting into comics and are going to go see the new Captain America movie and you want break into comics and all that) blog he wrote recently that this particular blog is responding to.
Without further ado, you should probably go read it if you haven't here: TROY LOVES ULTIMATE CAP.

Done? Good. Now let's just state that playful dialogues about comics are always great because it promotes thinking and imagination and appreciation for writing and artwork and respect for the medium. So if you're going to comment with futile attempts to piss either one of us off, just know the auto response will be 'go fuck yourself'

Go it? Good. Leggo.

WHEN: Too many times to count. (Pictured- Captain America, Vol. 5 #25)
Captain America is the poster child for sacrifice. The only other superhero that can even enter the conversation about sacrifice is Spidey. (Strong honorable mention to Daredevil)
Whether he's taking a teammate, or as the first movie portrayed, jumping on the grenade when everyone else took cover, this guy always places himself directly in harm's way to protect others. 
When he was 'assassinated' in 2007, following Civil War he deliberately took a sniper's bullet to the neck to prevent the U.S. Marshall escorting him to court from getting fired upon. Point is, this guy always has the safety of others in mind. 
I don't care what you say, that's bad ass.




WHEN: Seriously. Too many times. (Pictured-  Amazing Spider-Man #537)
Sure, we can applaud Ultimate Cap for taking Hank Pym outside for a little street justice over beating his wife, Janet Van Dyne. But we have to also remember two things. 1. Hank Pym was certifiably bananas in both instances. 2. In the 616 universe, he lashed out and backhanded his wife ONCE. He has never forgiven himself for it, and has made numerous strides to atone for it. In the Ultimate universe, crazy Pym was a serial abuser. So yeah, I believe Ultimate Cap responded as ALL versions of Cap would've. See, Captain America doesn't fight against evil, or shoddy clones of himself hellbent on evil, he fights for a common good, against intolerance, cynicism and injustice. There's a reason why he's always called to lead when gatherings of far stronger heroes band together. Even Superman had to take a back seat to Cap's leadership once. Superman. The ultimate boy scout. Captain America's sense of morals over the years have very rarely come into question. He's loyal to no selfish ideas, or personal ambitions, just a dream. And when his morals are questionable...

WHEN: Seriously, stop asking me when.
It's easy to forget that the 616 Captain is an actual battle hardened bad ass soldier of the 'big war' especially with that deceptive image he's been parading about since his creation. See everyone knows Cap was fighting in the war sure, but more importantly he was fighting for war bonds- similar to how the marines on Iwo Jima were paraded around the U.S. in reality. Every one knows about how he knocked out Cartoon Hitler. What many don't know though, is that the Captain not only trained dozens of soldiers and marines for black ops, but he personally carried out several missions with various elite American ally forces including a pre X-Men Wolverine. And if you think that isn't crazy- he even escorted around America's dirty secret- Bucky, a child soldier and an expert in wet work. Even though he expressed his discontent with a child doing the actual wet work, he went along with it nevertheless. Even after his cryogenic stasis, he went back to doing what he does best. Teaching the dark arts of soldiering and combat. Don't believe me? Ask spec ops Marine black operative, Frank Castle.


...and we all know how that eventually turned out, right?


Maybe this also applies to the Ultimate Cap, but I never seem to pick up on it. Sure I get both are brilliant strategists in their own fashions, but the 616 has a knack for taking down gigantic threats with simple solutions, MacGyver style. Take for example the major fight from Civil War, Iron Man was feeling pretty sure of himself since the last time they squared up, Stark simply over powered him. The second time, Cap simply had Vision shut Iron Man down. For all Tony Stark's ego maniacal genius he simply didn't forsee the most basic threat. Who's the genius now?

2. HE'S GOT BALLS THE SIZE OF GRAPEFRUITS
Captain America does NOT compromise. He does not falter. He will stand up to unwinnable odds, alone. He did it with Onslaught. He did it with Galactus... and he did it the omnipotent Thanos. When everyone else fell right before his eyes, he simply walked up to Thanos and told him he hadn't won yet. Jeez.
and finally...


1. HE'S WEAPON I
He was the first successful result of the shady and infamous Weapon Plus program, a program that eventually spit out folk like Cyber, (Weapon VII) the overly used Wolverine, (Weapon X) Fantomex, (Weapon XIII) and inadvertently Deadpool, and the super shady Tuskegee Project-like Black Captain America, Isaiah Bradley. Cap has demonstrated his supremacy over the most popular of the weapons, Wolverine, numerous times. The most hilarious of those run-ins has to be when Cap crushed the tendons in Wolvies's forearms to prevent him from popping his claws... with his bare hands.


Now, I'm not saying Ultimate Cap sucks, or that he will lose in a fight with his 616 counterpart. I'm just saying the history that the 616 Steve Rogers is applicable for allows him to be a better character in my opinion. The Ultimate Cap is pretty bad ass, but he comes across as bad ass in the same laconic worshipping sense that turned Miller's idea of Spartans into household names. In conclusion, I see Ultimate Cap as Jason Statham...or Arnold, or any of the biggest names in action. Kicking ass and taking names. I see 616 Cap as John McClane before Die Hard 4 and 5. Just an everyday guy with big guts.
Hate me.

Monday, January 6, 2014

The World is Filled... (We'll just talk about those I know.)

Somewhere in the mid-90's, men got stupid.

Hi. Warning: I defended the ladies HERE and HERE... so forgive me.

You guys have let all sorts of things in this digital age fuck you royally. What the fuck is your problem? I know what it is, since 'fatherhood' is a rare concept nowadays, no one taught you how to praise your 'pancakes woman' and curve your 'pussy woman' Constantly tripping over 'thirst traps' and letting your dick do the piloting, while expecting to never be caught up is plain ridiculous.

I've NEVER been caught up. When I was in a committed relationship and I stepped out on my lady, I never got caught up. Never. My women never found out my other women, unless I told them about them. (Which I have a habit of doing, because I really don't have the patience for cheating.) Regardless, you know why I've never been caught?Because I'm kinda smart. I also know the cardinal focus:
NO ASS IS THAT FAT, NO TITTY IS SO ROUND, FOR ANY AMOUNT OF STRESS.

The difference with me and you guys though, I don't manipulate a woman's heart to increase the notches on my bedpost. And that's really one of two reasons two cheat. The other is selfishness. I tell all my conquests from the beginning. ...Kinda like side effects. (I like that.)

As my soul brother, and spiritual representative said it best:

"I warned them all from the beginning. I always said something along the lines of… I must advise you, I am stamped with an invisible warning: “will not commit”, “will never marry”

So without further ado, I will share with you the rules that I employ to avoid being caught up, or any situation similar to it. It's not complicated, most of it is common sense.

1.) STOP PUTTING YOUR JUMPOFF ON A PEDESTAL.

What part of the game is this? When did sidechicks get the authority to have an audience? By being a jumpoff, you give up all rights to have a fucking opinion. They know it. Everyone knows it. But for some odd reason, you gave her a voice, and now she's using that voice to stress you the fuck out. If you're talking to your jumpoff with the same endearing terms as your main girl, you're wrong. If you're arguing with your side joint, you're wrong. To argue with someone means you care. Period. A sidechick shouldn't mean that much to you that you're arguing with her. If your side joint threatens to leave, LET HER! Who the hell is she? You shouldn't be sending her texts or falling for bait traps where she gets you to admit anything ya'll did over text or voicemail. Never record anything that you don't want to be caught for later.
Why she can get you so angry that you're arguing with her, and ruining your mood is bananas and I see the shit all the time. It's ri-gotdamn-diculous. You should be talking to side joints on YOUR time, not hers, and definitely not late night giggling in the dark like a little bitch; you're doing too much.
Speaking of phones...

2.) STOP LETTING THESE WOMEN IN YOUR PHONE.

In the age of digital footprints everywhere, it surprises me that guys are still just handing their phone over to non-spouses so easily. Phones can arguably be equated to bank accounts and identity information. You know why? Because phones ACTUALLY have that information streaming through them constantly. Does your woman allow you to go through her purse? (If she does, you shouldn't be doing it- I'll come back to that) So why are you letting these women into your phone? I never allow anyone in my phone. For any reason. And the funny thing is, I don't have any damning information readily available in the usual folders. It's just the principle. Furthermore, if you need to go through my phone, you obviously don't trust me- or you have trust issues. Either way- we need to fix that or break up.

Lock your phone, bro.
...and if you're getting stressed about your phone security, quit worrying about social media apps and get yourself a privacy app like Secret Box (android) or Lockbox (iOS)
and speaking of social media...

3.) STOP BEING A TARGET FOR THE PUBLIC

I'm just going to assume you're not out in public with your side joint. (Unless she lives another area code away from your main joint.)
You should NOT be following your sidechick on Twitter.      
You should NOT be following your sidechick on Instagram.
You should NOT be following your sidechick on Tumblr.
You shouldn't be sharing little dumbass memes and jokes on Facebook with your sidejoint.
You should not be writing anything incriminating in ANYONE's direct messages.
You should not be liking pictures of some girl's ass on Instagram.
You should not be IN your sidechick's pictures. Especially her selfies.

Also your sidechick should not know who your main girl is on social media. Some of you allow that, and it's beyond me, but if that's the case your worlds are colliding and that's not good. Sidechicks will without a doubt always take that information and use it to your displeasure ON social media. If you know your sidechick is addicted to social media, then you need to be cautious about allowing her over your house. Or having your belongings in the target of her lens. (Actually, your sidechick should never be over your house, but we'll get to that)
In addition, stop being so fucking thirsty. And not even thirsty for individuals. Thirsty to be seen. If you like a picture do you really have to publicly like it? Ya'll are out here cartwheeling in some girl's notifications for attention. Professing love, dropping phone numbers in comment boxes. Sending dick pictures on metro trains just to get a girl to think about you for a millisecond, and it's never worth it.
It's surprising how eager we are for someone- anyone's validation that to like something, you must actually tell the world that you like it. This girl got mad at me the other day because I didn't 'like' her Instagram photos. Ridiculous. (Even more ridiculous is some of you reading this will deny you've participated in this foolishness, or never heard of it) There's a guy I follow on Twitter that will daily tweet a request to women to tweet him back a picture of themselves doing the most 'cry for attention' activities.
And they do it. By the hundreds. It's not him at fault here. It's not the girls that do it. They're doing what they do- and will continue on as long as you thirsty fucks keep faithfully validating it. They got the goods, and they know you have absolutely NO problem looking like a fool to get them. You ever see the majority of the women doing the same for men?
I rest my case here:


(Not really sure if my man was serious, but...y'know. Still) Continuing on...

4.) STOP LEADING WOMEN ON/BE CONSISTENT
Ya'll gotta learn the basics of lying.
Understand that every- EVERY time you lie, it's the truth to the person who hears it.
Meaning- you need to maintain that lie, because it's the truth.
I'm not really going to go into this because the long and short of it is this:
If you don't have the brain capacity to maintain and nurture several lies, don't. If you don't really love a girl, don't tell her you do. If you haven't been thinking about her all day, don't say that you have. Quit calling chicks 'wifey' if she ain't your wife. Catch what I'm throwing? There are plenty of ways to get a girl to open up for you, literally and figuratively, without manipulating her feelings. Hell, the way we're living nowadays a lot of women will gladly give you a sexual NSA relationship. You just need to try being honest with what you really want.
And with that said, don't be that guy that can't trust your girl if you got dirt all up in your closet. You can't be sneaking to look in her phone, and her purse if you ain't doing right yourself.
You shouldn't be asking her where she been all day, and getting mad over her male friends if you got several boppers on your line. It's bass ackwards, and it's gonna play out as a failed attempt to be 'pimpin' (and I say failed, because if you were, she wouldn't be confronting you about your bitches anyway.)

5. LEAVE THE GUN, TAKE THE CANNOLI

One of my favorite scenes in The Godfather is when Clemenza has to ensure some random guy's death. He rides with the target and another guy out to some deserted road. Now, before he begins this journey, his wife tells him to pick up the cannoli before returning home. On the road, Clemenza tells the driver to stop because he has to pee. While depleting his bladder, the guy in the backseat fires three shots into the driver's skull. Clemenza zips his pants walks back to the car, and nonchalantly tells the killer, "Leave the gun. Take the cannoli"
The grotesque murder of an unloyal peer is all in a day's work. But his overall responsibility is to his family. He took a second out the madness to rememeber that he promised his wife her dessert. A life manifesto crammed into six little words. I say this to you to remind you, that if you want to have your cake and eat it too, you need to remember you have a girl at home.
You can't be giving yourself, and your thoughts to this side joint and expect to come home and do the same with the main one. It won't work. Despite what you do out in town, remember to take the cannoli home. Give the main girl the sweet stuff. Give the side joint the dirty work.


now that we got the cardinal rules out the way here's some protips:

  • Fun Times Cost: Invest a creep phone. It's like $15 dollars at any 7-11. That's the number your side pieces should have. Your side joints should never be calling your main line interrupting your bliss. Never answer the creep phone unless you are absolutely by yourself. I don't mean your main joint is sleep upstairs, or she is in the garage. No, fool. Alone! The creep phone should NEVER not be on silent. It lives on silent. Not on vibrate. SILENT. The creep phone lives in a ridiculous place too, like a toolbox, or inside a shoe, inside a shoebox. Be creative, and random. If you invest in this, now you can start doing that text thing again. 
  • Your home is your Sanctuary: Stop letting these side joints come over. You let a girl over your house, because you trying to smash and show you're independent and blah blah, but there's also something going on from her side of this. You're letting her know where you live. And once you let someone know where you live- you open yourself up to pop up visits, angry tantrums on your doorstep, and private detective ass prowling whenever it's suspected you're stepping out.
  • Invest in a spreadsheet/calendar/dry erase board to keep up with your lies:  If you're gonna be out there lying, cheating, and juggling, take your recreational habits seriously and do it right. 
  • Stop spending the night You go over your side joint house, do what you do- then BOUNCE. Don't be that guy passed out sleep in her bed in that photo. 
Later.

P.S. the girl in that twitter pic is my ace Moo. Stalk her HERE. She's fucking beautiful. And sassy.
P.P.S. All the women followers I gained with my last male bashing blogs now hate me.
Love,
Stay curvin' 'em all day, Tony



"My dreams were all my own, I accounted to them to nobody; they were my refuge when annoyed- my dearest pleasure when free." -Mary Shelley; 'Frankenstein' or 'The Modern Prometheus'