30 days, 30 Letters- Day 9: Someone You Wish You Could Meet

Hey.

Consider this my final chance at anything with you. You, being this possibility that sort of lives between spaces.
This living, breathing, 'what if' that has haunted me for these past 5 years, you are. I tried to get to the bottom of this mystery, as best I could without... upsetting the natural order of things.
But.
So I guess I'm actually addressing this to another possibility. The possibility that you ever find out the truth- IF those possibilities turned out to all work out in this direction. The direction would lead you to come to me. Ya know, despite whatever you hear about me, (and trust me, if you inquire- you WILL hear lots. I'm the king of urban legend.) I'm not a bad guy. Your mother, on the other hand is a horrible human being because I definitely tried.... but... I'm not who she wants me to be. So, as far as you're concerned- I don't exist.

I wish I could meet you now though. I want to look you in your eyes the way my friends and associates have. I want to hear your voice... hear the  intelligent mind people say you have.... the way people who make me toss and turn at night describe with their comments. It sucks because maybe... I don't know. Maybe I could have been better to you than my old man was. However, we'll probably never know.

I... don't think I have anything else to say.

30 Days, 30 Letters- Day 8: YOUR FAVORITE INTERNET FRIEND

Hey "BrownSugar" 


I'm not even sure if this really counts, seeing how I've met you before, we've talked, I've been in your house, and we worked on the same junk pile. I like to laugh at how random this friendship is, seeing how you were the girlfriend of my boy, and now I talk to you far more than I do him. That is almost on the borders of hypocritical behavior for me. Regardless, I'm addressing this to you- simply because I don't think I knew you, knew you until we put some distance between us and started from scratch. You've swooped in to rescue me on more than one drunken occasion, (that forgetting my address shit is still unbelievable to me.) been my random oracle, and 'tried'? to hook me up with- a decent woman... I think. AND... we have similar goofy humor. (C'mon! "Uninvited Guest" WORST. MOVIE. EVER.) That's already more than most guys in my life, which makes you certainly irreplaceable. So here's a bit of appreciation in case the emotionally withdrawn folk in your camp neglects that sort of maintenance. 


I love ya, kid.


-Tesco.  

30 Days, 30 Letters- Day 7: Your Ex-Girlfriend

So... big deal you weren't my girlfriend.

That's kind of my fault ...me with my relationship issues/paranoia... I still remember that morning in the garage when you looked at me so casually disappointed in my blatant avoidance of our inevitable "official" romantic relationship.

I often wonder how things would have played out if I would've answered that question differently.

"Tony, where do you see this relationship going? ...what are we doing?"

"I mean... ain't we just kicking it?"

Yeah... that was the perfect response to that question, after we had been sleeping together and practically spending the majority of our time together for about 3 months. PERFECT. ...I'm not a jackass at all.

I remember that night a couple days before you got married. I kinda sensed you were distant, as we drunkenly screwed around on that damned couch. Something else... costumed as lust. Say something? Yeah, right. You may have been distant then, but nobody knows denial and emotional withdrawal like I do. So yeah. Things went unsaid.

What would things have been like had I answered that question differently?

Man.

There are parts of me that truly think that you could have lasted through all my shit. You were a lot brighter than folk ever gave you credit for, and you never really gave a shit about other folk's opinions... I always liked that. I also loved your uncanny ability to collect haters. You're married and off to places unknown and bitches still hate on your behaviors here. (Especially one in particular) ...sigh.

I always thought about checking up on you and shit...

...but you know how it is.

P.S. I SWEAR I did not know you left my house with your shirt on backwards. I'm not a home wrecker... and I'm really glad you were slick enough to beat that when your man asked you about it.

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 6: A Stranger

Dear Guy I met and left on the street:


It was 2005, NYC. 
I was really excited to meet you. I thought we could be best friends. I think it was the 10 beers I had during the $1 beer happy hour before you came in with that hot girl I thought was your girlfriend. Whatever happened to her? 


Geez. I think (if my memory serves me) she got mad right after shot number 6. Something about us being immature and screaming obscenities at each while giggling down Bud Light chasers like two school girls. 


Hey man, if only I hadn't gotten that phone call from the actual girl I was dating... I probably wouldn't have gotten sidetracked and walked off... leaving you in the street without first getting your name, or seeing if you would make it home safely. But hey! I took this picture just in case I ever ran into you again. 


I did not. 

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 5: YOUR DREAMS

Hey-

You elude me, but I am sluggishly on your tail. Sometimes...
Sometimes, it feels as though I'll NEVER feel your touch. I put words on paper because I have stories to tell, and it seems with each passing day, this art is becoming... extinct.
I will not give up on you.
But sometimes, it is hard.

It's hard because you are so elusive. You won't come to me. ...it's not fair to ask you to. You tease me with your  gentle Sunday touches and keyboard musings. My imagination goes ablaze when i think of how I want to serve you, to show you off to the masses. I know somewhere that's where you want to be; in my embrace. Then I awake.

I will stalk you. I will have you.

- Tesco, the Dreamer.

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 4: YOUR SIBLINGS OR CLOSEST RELATIVE

Whatup playboy?

I’ve always considered you my favorite cousin. It’s actually because I respect your refusal to submit to society’s image of style or personality. You are a genuine person and that makes you awesome. You also never trip on the little things… well sometimes you do, but not as much as the other family members. It’s no wonder why we always click, and we always have adventures when we hang out. In addition… together, we’re fucking hilarious. 

I’ll probably be calling you in like 20 minutes. Laaate

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 3: YOUR PARENTS

Hello.
I'm thinking I can make this long, revealing and forgiving... but instead I'm going to make it short and blunt.

One of you tries too hard. With everyone/everything... except the shit that matters. With me, I don't honestly think I was ever the type to display how I truly felt, and it annoys me that you cling to silly childhood projections. If I were to tell you the best way to be close with me is to  let me be, would you believe me? Well, it is... especially if I already told you what bugs me about you.
Lately, you've been better, but sometimes it just seems as though you're reaching. Chill out. That's it.

The other... well. You're almost pathetic. For someone that's so withdrawn and mysterious, you're pretty easy to read. You seriously give a whole new definition to self-loathing. It seems as though regardless of how much you tried to make me "better than you" I came out exactly like you. Most professionals call that behavior 'transference.' Well, not exactly. I've found that killing foreigners fills the void in my life. You... well, you sabotage yourself. Have you every stopped to think that maybe...just maybe, things wouldn't be so bad if you weren't your own worst enemy? Depression... maybe that's why you always seem so...lethargic.

What's funny is, I don't really consider this an attack, although that's how it will be perceived-
...and if it is, what would it really change anyway?

Out.

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 2: YOUR CRUSH

Hey you. I’m going to keep this short and simple. I doubt I can be sweet. I think you know that you’re my guilty pleasure. I don’t think anybody in my camp approves of our sporadic trysts. But I never cared. I don’t think you would if I ever told you. 

You’ve always been the ONE girl to playfully dance along the flirtatious boundaries of our relationship, and maybe that was what this relationship needed to survive this long. Lord knows, I don’t need a chance to handle my temptations. 

I think the magnetism between us lies in the similar layers we are made of… the ones we show to certain folk, the ones we show our (in)significant others… and then each other. Has it always been that way? Maybe. I sometimes wonder if you’ll ever forgive me for showing you the true colors of that guy you were seeing when we met. I could’ve done that better. But to me, it felt like… it felt like you were living in silent despair and I had to free you. 

Anyway, I’ll end it here because I know that the true magic of this… union, is what we don’t say.

be good. 

30 days, 30 Letters- Day 1: YOUR BEST FRIEND

Whatup son?! 
You've had my back since that defining moment when we "clicked" into place. Remember that time that girl's boyfriend wanted to "fuck me up (with a tire iron...lol)" and how you hopped out the Civic, cool as a fan, silently ready to pop that lame in the jaw if he even THOUGHT about stepping to me reckless. 


You've never judged me, and you've never held your tongue against me when I was being stupid. Somewhere behind those dumb doe eyes of yours lies some weird wisdom that I'm sure one day I'll completely understand. I've always felt completely comfortable around you. I have complete confidence that no matter how extra-ordinary I get on a daily basis, you won't let us both go over the edge. 


I always laugh at how you were always the "quiet, nice one" and I was the loudmouth who always dropped the f-bomb in the worst settings. You still enjoy having me around to say 'fuck off' or 'eat a dick' to people you hate. lol... 

It sucks we can't kick it as hard as we used to but the distance is just an obstacle my dude. Besides, I've been kickin' it with this other kid who will fit into our groove perfectly. 


Remember when 'The Constant' got irritated when I said my wife would have to understand no matter where I live I always need a guest room for Dan? haha... Nobody will ever click with me the way you do. I still feel that way. We're fuckin' Joey and Chandler. 


My man, 50 grand... Dan the Man, Duke of New York, Squire of the Bronx. 
Love ya kid.

Big Boi versus the WORLD!

Dear urban youth:


You grind my gears. You grind them beyond repair. I've seen what you consider hip-hop. I now finally realize why white folk in Connecticut say "you can't spell 'crap' without rap" Well. Allow me to give you a treat. This. is. hip. hop.


This is the video "Shutterbug" the lead single from Big Boi's (of OutKast) solo album "Sir Lucious Left Foot: The Son of Chico Dusty" Take notes. Videos don't HAVE to be about drug dealing, car chases, explosions, holding guns and sledgehammers. Nor do I have to see some pretty face and no brain scantily clad Sally Rottencrotch gyrate all over my screen. 



Now...
I'm not saying this video is PERFECT. Nor am I saying Big Boi can single handedly save hip-hop. What I'm saying is this video is pure fun. colorful. creative. fresh. enjoyable. entertaining. (did I mention fun?) ...and THAT my friend, is HIP. HOP. 


I would go further into this discussion and try to persuade you to actually go and BUY Big Boi's CD, which is also all of those adjectives I used before...and it's critically acclaimed. (Which... I can't really say for two other artists that came out recently that I notice everyone has. [check the ratings] *coughRickRosscoughDrakecough*) but I figure I'll take whatever minor victory I can. 

What Tony Does

I know... I've been away for a minute. There have been some recent  developments in my life... quitting one bar, starting work at another... and I've begun to date a (ONE) girl. (curious to see where that goes) however, I woke up this morning and for some reason, I woke up feeling disorganized and remembered a little life lesson that my old next door neighbor told me stuck out. Now, I'd like to share it with you.

A professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large, clear and empty pickle jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The Professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. The tiny grain sifted between the cracks, cascading over, around, and in between until there is no space left. 

"Is it full now?" A show of hands shoot up. The students responded with an unanimous "yes- it's full."

The professor then produced two beer bottles from under the table. He pours the entire contents into the jar, and the hiss of the amber fluid is drowned out by laughter in the classroom.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "The jar is full."

"This jar represents your life," he continues. "Make sure the first ingredients are the big stuff. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your career, your passions. The rest is just sand, minutiae. It's in there. It may even be important. But it's not your first priority."

"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your lover out to dinner. Play another round.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." 

"What about the beer?" A kid in the back yells out.

"Well," comes the answer. "After everything else, you always have room for a couple beers with friends."

It took me a long time to fully understand that. I first heard it when I was about 13. Despite my realizing the point, I never understood it until I lived a little. I, as you probably already know, started out with the beer. But sometimes, you have to sit back and sort of- schedule your priorities instead of prioritize your schedule... if that makes sense. 

It's hard, but... well, are the easy things in life worth it?