Livin' On A Prayer

Entry: The Constant [All That Important]

I've only actually been IN love twice.

Once, with a girl that died when we were teenagers. The other I met by chance in Virginia, during my active duty days. One of the few good memories from that place. It was supposed to be a setup for NSA purposes. See, us military guys usually have these things on the brain. (Not necessarily in this order)

1. The 1st and 15th. (payday)
2. America.
3. Killing enemies for America.
4. Deployment
5. Sex in random/foreign places
6. Blowing things up.
7. Physical Training
8. Blowing things up in practice to actually blow things up that belong to folk against America
9. Inspections
10. Having something nice to come home to.

Well, I was in the search of a number 10. A shipmate of mine had a girlfriend that went to Hampton University, so myself and two other guys- Lucky and Mook decided we should get some Hampton girls too. It'd be nice to come home to a college girl...even if we honestly didn't give that much about them. Who'da thought I'd end up... giving A LOT about mine?

It was weird. Everything I liked, she liked. Everything she wanted to get involved in, I got involved in, and vice versa... I mean don't get me wrong... we didn't do EVERYTHING together- but we sure fooled others. I remember I used to drive from Newport News, Va to Pittsburgh, PA to see her when she was bored. (She graduated from Hampton, and moved to PA for grad school) We watched TV shows on the phone together. We cracked corny jokes, communicated through code words, pseudo telepathy, catchphrases and eye contact. I tried to teach her baseball, she tried to get me to like the Redskins. Didn't happen for either. She came looking for me when I went off into those dark periods. I'd give up on life, and just run away. Pack a bag, drive off into the night, live for a week, or a month in another place... and back then, there was a couple of those.

Somewhere in there was an uncontrolled theory that I should be in a relationship with her. Yet, instead of riding off into that proverbial beautiful sunset... we had minor success of being soul mates overshadowed by epic fails. She warned me, she didn't want to trade our friendship for a relationship. She just didn't want to, and I pushed it. And...it just didn't work. When it failed, it ended with me nearly going off my damn rocker traveling through a tunnel of self-loathing, depression, alcoholism, nymphomania, violence and self-destruction.

We used to talk everyday. As anti as I am about screwing over friends for people that you're interested in a non-platonic way, I did it first with her. I even put older friends on the back burner if she wanted to hang out... and I learned she did the same eventually. Amidst all this 'perfect' however, I decided to leave... I went away... part of me wanted to stay with her, while the other part recognized she found some other guy, and confusion, and I figured I'd go, and either come back fixed- or she'd hear about me dead. Either way, (as twisted as it sounds) I'd come back.

Then she got married. And I went ape shit.
Flash-forward some time and a kid later, and a definite change in mind status... we are separate and things are like so distant. Or so it seems. Lately, we've made random small talk slowly catching up- which has been subtly awkward. And then suddenly an episode of Clerks: The Animated Series comes on which features a running joke we used to find hilarious. Caitlin Bree. 
HILARIOUS. 
...and apparently that has stood the test of time. I immediately called her up, and informed her the episode was on and in that brief couple of seconds, it felt like those old days. It's funny because just two or three days prior, she mentioned how bitter she was at me for letting the friendship tank like this. How she warned me that taking the friendship beyond just that would destroy things...and how I didn't listen. But. That was then... and this is now.

Then I remember she got married to a guy I couldn't stand in high school. Of all the guys walking the Earth, she somehow stumbled into the lap of this guy.

And now, I wonder if the friendship can ever be repaired. I wonder if I ever want to. I mean, I miss her and everything- but what I had in her, I've repaired the damage in the levee by bringing in nine, yeah 9, other girls to replace her. So nowadays there's another girl that I call everyday, there's another one that I talk baseball with, there's another one I flirt with nonstop, and another one that knows all my dirt... and so forth. 
Our friendship was definitely worth trying to save then, but she's married- and it goes against my own set of codes to try to befriend her now.
However. 

There was only one her.

"Banky Edwards: What is it about this girl man? You know you have no shot at getting her into bed. Why do you bother wasting time with her? Because you're Holden fucking McNeil, the most persistent traveler on the road that's NOT the path of least resistance. Everything has gotta be a fucking challenge for you and this little relationship with that BITCH is a prime example of your fucking condition. Well, I don't need a magic 8-ball to look into your future. You want a forecast? (Picks up Magic 8-Ball toy and shakes it.) Here, will Holden ever fuck Alyssa? Oh, what a shock, "Not fucking Likely." This relationship is affecting you, our work and our friendship and the time's gonna come when I throw down the gauntlet and say it's me or her. Then what are you gonna say?
Holden: I think you should let this one go.
Banky Edwards: No, what would you say? Would you trash twenty years of fucking friendship because you got some idiotic notion that this chick would even let you sniff her panties, let alone fuck her?
Holden: Look fucking asshole, I'm telling you, okay, let it go!
Banky Edwards: What the fuck, man! What the fuck makes this bitch all that important?
Holden: 'Cause I'm fucking in love with her, man, okay? "
-excerpt from 'Chasing Amy' by Kevin Smith

Entry: The Glass Ballerina [Passion is Infinite]

I'm so glad I learned how to keep my dick in my pants when I did. Because I'm still suffering the consequences of when I did not. I am now embracing the idea of going back to school full time and doing my little part-time bar gigs. I love bartending at several locations because it's more experience and opportunity for me and blah blah, well there's this nice little spot in Montgomery County I went to go fill out an application at.

The bar manager is a gorgeously aged black woman who definitely knows her scotch and I'm SO impressed. She shows me how different brands have this aromatic effervesce in the mouth and in your hands... and it's so great. Our eyes, hands and words playfully flirt and dance during our initial meet and greet.

I'm starting to believe that my problem is I'm attracted to older women.

So she gets my contact info, we arrange to meet for another interview but she ends up calling me a couple days before to reschedule our appointment... but we end up staying on the phone a surprising 20 minutes after the point of the call was made. I'm definitely the cougar's prey now. And I'm not mad about it.

The next interview I race from school and head to the bar. The host asks me if I need assistance, and I tell her I'm there to see Monica, the bar manager and she asks me to have a seat at the bar while she goes to fetch her. While there a female patron walks up and I get a faint sense of reminisce... I know this girl.

Her name is Jasmine... I met her a couple years ago at Bowie State during one of their pointless football games. We hit it off almost immediately, and I foolishly slept with her numerous times without considering how she was falling for me and I remained neutral in my land of emotional indifference. Needless to say, we parted and i never spoke to her again... yet now she stands in all her glory in front of me and she looks a tad annoyed. I suddenly feel kinda bad because even though I'm against telling a woman you love her, and leading her on- I definitely did these things to this girl because I was young and dumb.

Jasmine: What are you doing here?
Me: Oh... um nothing much...what are you doing here?
Jasmine: You're a long way from Capital Hill, don't you think? (I live there)

At this moment- Monica comes from the back of the restaurant and smiles. I'm excited because I can leave this awkward situation adn escape back into the warm smile of this amazing woman... who strikes me the same way Phylicia Rashād's Claire Huxtable does. And that's when the hot air balloon goes DOWN.

Monica: Hey Sean, I see you've met my daughter, Jasmine...


"By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is infinite, undying -
Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying."
-Dorothy Parker

Entry: White Rabbit [Going to get married]

So... lately I've been getting my shit together. And all my friends and associates have been noticing it. I think it's finally time to take this "finding a girlfriend" thing seriously. I mean, I know that I've been talking junk for years saying that I was gonna get a girl while still doing my dirtbag shite, but I'm seriously considering settling, and compromise... I is growing up.

Which means alot to me... seeing how I recently had to admit to myself that I am a [raging] mysoginist... which, in retrospect is probably the reason why I have 200+ R.B.I.'s (sexual escapades for all you non-baseball fans that can't figure out the metaphor) and 4 actual grand slams. (girlfriends)

And I blatantly blame my newfound 'maturity' on the admirable and fundamental relationships I have with certain females that are definitely the polar opposite of the evil, degrading things that I think about women. Senseless shout-out to them now- Taneshia, (who teaches me boundaries and how to bond with a girlfriend) Stephanie,(who continues to amaze me with he self-motivation, honesty, and 'take no-shit attitude) Ashley, (when she knows how to pick up a phone, she proves that girls CAN hang with guys [and it be normal/cool]), Sarah (who shows me how to appreciate a good girl)
and oddly enough even Margarita (who- is living evidence that people can have almost everything in common and still be interesting)...
Now, don't get me wrong- there are other women in my life that make a difference, but these are the ones that can sway my opinions.

So... here I am. Convincing the world that things have changed inside me. One associate in particular took me so seriously that she set me up on a little speed dating venture, which I pretty much kept to myself at first- out of sheer embarrassment. As the day in question crept closer, the awkward feeling that once seemed so thick was now gone and I boldly attended the event. Out of 20 females I met... they all seemed familiar. I could not put my finger on it though. So I dismissed it and immediately left to pursue my homo-erotic casual encounter with Johnny Walker.
The very next week i was set up again with another girl through another friend. I had a great time but that same feeling of familiarity hit me and my smile slowly faded away. Although surprisingly I still managed to have a great time. On the train ride home- I overheard two women talking and then I recognized what it was about all these women. For some odd reason, all these women in the Washington Metropolitan Area seem to act/dress/talk alike. (Well at least the ones I happen to meet non-platonically) I can't take it- in Manhattan you're hit with a myriad of fashions and attitudes-colors and sizes... same as in London or L.A. or even Hampton, Virginia. And not to mention the (hopefully I don't offend you here,) growing similarities of this area and Atlanta- I'm just not sure anymore. And that's me saying, I don't know what to do anymore. I have failed. Or- I can go back to what I did best... and that was R.B.I.'s ...lol. I definitely feel like I've jumped down the rabbit hole and landed in this strange world where how I view the world is upside down and straight-up wrong.

On the flip side- I met an awesome girl the other day that talked to me about the ridges in dimes and quarters... while sipping Chartreuse and reading my book at a bar in Dupont. Then, ten minutes after she left I was called a breeder, and asked to move to the smaller table.I'm still trying to figure that out, but I got a pretty good idea.

Oh, how I just go off in a tangent. Sara said broaden my search parimeters... i think I will. I mean- they can't all be alike... right?


"Believe me, if there's one thing Ron Burgundy knows, it's women."
"I don't know, Ron..."
"Guess what, I do. I know that one day Veronica and I are going to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited." -Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy