The Naked Man... #fail

Ok. So I've explained to you what 'The Naked Man' is, right? Well, it's when you take advantage of a distraction in order to shed your clothing and surprise your date with nakedness in the hope of receiving sex by means of humor, pity, stupidity or sheer spontaneity. 


So- last night held a little happy hour meet up function at McFadden's in Foggy Bottom. I invited a couple friends and family members, and amongst the invited was this girl who I was attracted to, but slam dunked me into the friend zone. Which I don't have a problem with, in fact I've been treating her like a bro ever since. So last night, I get ridiculously hammered, and after the happy hour was over, we (her and I) were supposed to me the rest of the guests at The Mighty Pint.


Unfortunately, that didn't work at all. But that didn't stop her and i from drinking...or so I think. The details are fuzzy. Anyway, after a random trip to McDonald's and some other food spot to settle the drunk munchies, we make it back to her car. She suggests that I crash at her place, and I don't know what the fuck I was thinking but I decided half assed that this would be THE perfect opportunity to perform 'The Naked Man' so I immediately strip when she left the room, got into my centerfold pose (the pose in the picture) and then...


...yeah. The downside to the naked man, is that only works 2/3 times. 
I guess last night was the third time. I definitely woke up in the morning still naked, and she was fully clothed... with a belt on. 


I wonder how I'm gonna face her next... LMAO


#FAIL #LULZ #SHAMELESS

Liquid Tescadero... and the Gooey Kablooie

Ladies and Gentlemen, Liquid Tescadero has RETURNED.

Unfamiliar with just who 'Liquid' is? 

Well, let me go back a bit. 'Liquid' is a reference to the video game Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes.  The protagonist of the game, Solid Snake is pulled from retirement and forced back into participation in a top secret military conflict because his old unit has taken a military base hostage. The leader of Solid's old unit and the antagonist, in charge of the entire coup- is a mysterious shadowy figure also going by the code name Solid Snake. When you finally reach the end of the game, it's revealed that the antagonist is none other than the equally skilled, and up to this point unknown to the majority of the world, twin brother of Solid, Liquid Snake. ( Sounds cliche, but actually- it's beyond awesome.)

Anyways, a couple years back I was working at a bar on Capitol Hill where I'd foolishly, with the help of drunken nights, gotten involved in a sexual relationship with 3 different women simultaneously, and become the superstar of the rumor mill. It wasn't long before all three women suspected I was shagging them on a weekly basis. Of course, in the AMs I denied these preposterous accusations of sleeping around and acting a fool in nearby bars. It got so bad, one girl actually asked me- "Honestly, Tony...do you have a brother or something out there?- because people say they saw you, but I know you were home because we were on the phone!"

Exactly. As if mobile phones...aren't mobile. So Liquid Tescadero was born from THAT moment. 

I thought I banished that demon to the nether regions, over the past couple years, but he reared his ugly head the other day by going on a three day bender, and hooking up with a random girl he met at the bar. Only to feed into her advances, go back to her place- and meet her live in boyfriend and his lacrosse buddies... or rather be chased down the road by them.  It WAS not a happy meeting. Time will tell when the bastard will show up again, but I'll let you know definitely.

Now. I'm going to tell you this, and I'll know you read it here- because I WILL NOT repeat this out loud, EVER. Last Wednesday after I left the Moombahton Massive 2 party at U Street Music Hall, I'm walking down Florida Avenue- trying to powerwalk- because I really have to go pee and there's not a decent alley anywhere. Plus I'm totally exhausted, drunk and pumped from a full night of banging beats, slam dancing, and controlling the crowd- when a girl pulls up next to me and offers me a ride home. She mentions that she recognizes me from the Massive and asks me for the CD I was teasing the crowd with. I'm like sure, and we flirt about longer. I feel bad because at this point there was a girl I was trying to date- and I knew I was going to make out with this girl. So I did my customary "drop me off at the corner down the street from my place" (it's a maneuver, not what I said out loud.) ...it only took about thirty seconds before we're making out in her front seats. I'm feeling her up and I'm too busy fondling her nipple ring to stop her from roughly pulling on my dick...

...and me peeing on her.

Liquid: 1
Random black guy running out of screaming girl's car: ZERO.