What Kate Did

Ok.

If you have a vagina, then I'm willing to bet at some point in your life you've been called a whore. (or as Biggie put it: A slut, a whore or a freak.)

I remember when I met my first real floozy. I was 15 years old, and my experience with women was limited to the girlfriend I had at the time. She was the friend of another bitch that met my friend Gee at a party in Maryland. She was introduced to me (and Gee) over the phone, for the sole purpose of me keeping her entertained when Gee finally convinced the friend to travel to D.C. to give him some ass. See? Even before I became the scampish  Casanova I eventually became, I was an awesome wingman. (Maverick status. Who checkin' me?) However, it didn't work out that way.

It turns out, this particular tramp somehow discovered Gee's number and had been talking to him in secret, despite her best friend had become quite enamored with him. Her hussy behavior didn't stop there- no...  a couple weeks later, I get a phone call from Gee demanding that I come over and retrieve said wench from his house for two reasons. 

1. Despite her deceptive phone voice, and equally deceptive exotic name, she did not physically meet our expectations. 
2. After the secret sex rendezvous, Gee expected her to leave. She didn't get the memo.

Why she wouldn't leave, I don't know at the time. I was young, and dumb. However, he was asking his wingman to come and play buffer. I mean after all, by secretly communicating with him, and then coming over to sleep with a man her best friend liked, she was exhibiting some tawdry behavior. Why didn't she play her part and go home like a tart should? Who knows. A week later, the scalliwag she slept with me. Days after that skeezer showed up again, upon impulsice request from Gee, and slept with his other friend, Wally. Not far after that, the roller popped up over Gee's house unexpectedly, and ended up performing fellatio to Gee while I played Sonic the Hedgehog just a mere couple feet away. (For the record, he warned me to leave, but it took me hours to get to that level)

I'm digressing from the point of this entry. 

A couple days after she sucked my friend's dick in front of me (well, behind me yet close enough that she should've been a tad embarrassed) Gee and I got drunk and she popped up unexpectedly again- a trait that I would later discover all trollops shared- and Gee openly and to her face called her a whore. I wasn't surprised he did that, I was surprised that I quickly and apparently agreed, while ignoring the fact that we just shared the same girl within the same month.

I'm going to fast forward here and try to dive face first into my point. 

Despite the word slut has a certain ubiquitous air about it, you'll never hear it used seriously to describe a man's actions. Nor any of the other terms I've carefully used in this post to describe her or her actions. Sure, SOME will call a man a 'dog' or some other vanilla, but really- a multitude of words have basically become synonymous with a promiscuous woman. Face it ladies. A man that sleeps around gets high fives. A woman that does it gets demerits and the shaking of heads. Is it fair? No. Does it make sense? No. Is it right? No. 

Is it the way it is? Umm. Yeah.

Well, wait. It does make sense if you really look at the true purpose of these terms. Think about it. The sole purpose of any of these terms is to control women through shame and humiliation. Think it doesn't work? It does. It's just as effective as shitting on a woman's self esteem to get her to give you some. Classic manipulation.

A woman's body, not a man's- will always be vied over for control whether it's rape, reproductive rights, or violence against women. Sucks, but it's the way it is.

It's the entire premise behind asking a man for his daughter's hand, and that father 'giving her away.' (and if you're a super conservative you've heard of those 'Purity Balls') I mentioned it in an earlier post but ya'll should really read up on that virgin/whore dichotomy thing.

The slut/pimp conundrum will never make sense logically. Why is a woman less of a person, or (my favorite) "dirty," because she has sex? (Heterosexual sex, that is; because somehow lesbian sex isn't "real.") Does dick have some bizarre dirtymaking power that I'm unaware of? AS MUCH as I use my dick, I thought I knew all of its uncanny abilities. With every partner a woman has sex with does she lose a bit of her moral compass? I'll never know the answer... and frankly neither will you.

Fact is- this is one of those things in life that will probably never be resolved. Kinda like why are women allowed to do the easy pushups, get an abortion or refuse one without the father's consent, (I know, I know- it's her body, blah blah- but there are horror stories out there) or take maternity leave even if they adopt. (It's true. Some jobs allow that)

It's sad. It truly is. I don't care who you sleep around with. That's between you and God. Or... whoever you wanna end up with. Yes, I do judge women that sleep with certain calibers of guys- but that's my opinion and I'm entitled that. I don't however need to, belittle a woman for sleeping around, and YES, I do enjoy the occasional courtesan. Point is- stop giving girls a hard time over their choices of laps to sit on. There are more fair ways to get the pie, and furthermore, it's a dick move. Just give it a thought. I implore you to consider the ridiculousness of this double standard.

...but then again... you could look at it the way my very drunk, very gay (yet very wise about women)  mentor told me...

"If a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. If a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock."

...but if you look at it that way, the whole thing makes sense. ...and we're back at square one.

The whole world thinks I'm a slut and a whore. That's what I'm going to have to cope with for the rest of my life. -Faria Alam

Jack, Meet Ethan. Ethan? Jack.

A friend of mine is going through something that was eerily similar to a situation that I went through a couple years ago, while I was experimenting with the idea of being in a serious relationship before I was mature enough to do so.
Basically, my girlfriend was getting hit on at her job by her co-worker, (who later turned out to be her ex-boyfriend) and it was "unwanted". She decided to tell me, I suppose to keep me abreast of the situation, (I sincerely hope she didn't think I was going up to her job to fight for her honor. C'mon son. I was making 3x what she does and I ain't fucking my check up for nobody's rottencrotch) I immediately replied that she should  tell homeboy that she didn't want his attention and that it made her uncomfortable- then if he persisted, tell her HR rep. At the very least she could just ask her manager to schedule her at different hours than he. At the most, she could have asked my Godmother- who was the regional manager of the job- to let him go. She did nothing. 


Oh, well she did one thing.
She continuously kept me updated on her supposed annoyance and failure to do anything. Almost as if... I was one of her girlfriends or something. Now, my situation ended with me eventually realizing that the girl was missing a couple screws and ultimately ignoring her in the relationship sense. I refused to allow her to make me as upset as she claimed she was by this.
Which is funny, because if the roles were reversed, well...

Now- my friend is going through a very similar situation. The only difference is he doesn't have a Godmother that could fire the perpetrator. He only has a girlfriend that thinks she should be entitled to telling him over and over how her supervisor is hitting on her, despite knowing she's involved, because he needs to be supportive of her... which is complete bull. Oh, and unlike my situation, his has been going on for months.

This got me to thinking. Thinking about any man in this situation, or similar ones.

First things first.
Sometimes the saying,
"If you want to talk about the situation, call your girlfriend. If you want the solution, call your boyfriend."
is very true. (Some) Women have a tendency to want to pine over a situation for long periods of time, regardless if she knows what the best course of action would be or not. Most men do not. Faced with a problem, (most) men usually accept the solution and initiate it- whether it's wrong or right.

Now, back to the situation.
She's wrong. There's no other way around thinking about it. (in my opinion.)
 In this life, if you do not want to/do not take the steps to correct behaviors or situations you do not like, then you give away, I repeat, YOU GIVE AWAY, your right to complain. I can't get any more straight forward than that. The fact that she has allowed this nonsense to continue for months has provided the perpetrator more than enough leeway to continue to do so without any reason to stop. Without saying something, she is sending the guy mixed signals. Sure, he shouldn't be doing it in the workplace, but like I said- if you don't say anything he doesn't know he's wrong. (Or maybe he does and doesn't give a damn, in which case she needs to go higher than he is.)

However, there are some that may feel that she's not at fault because they whole situation will make her uncomfortable, or have her fearing the loss of her job. All of those feelings are things that you willingly decide are not more important than your level of comfort getting unnecessary attention from your boss if you say nothing. Truth is, with that kind of mindset, your priorities are WAY out of order, if you believe that letting someone continuously harass you (no matter how mild, or aggressive it is- unwanted is unwanted) is okay and you should just deal with it since you want to keep your job.

And what about the boyfriend that you think it's oh SOOO cool to keep him updated on the affairs of your negligence? I suppose at no point he's not supposed to think:

My girlfriend actually likes the boss a bit, and the special attention she receives. If she didn’t she'd be repulsed and would have been reported him from the beginning. She's having her cake and eating it too...


Oh, but he will. He probably has and just hasn't said anything.

Sad thing about these situations is most women learn that lesson too late.
You know, after the boss/co-worker gets really bold and goes too far. But by that time, all your other co-workers are confused at your sudden disgust- which essentially means that she will get blamed for wanting the attention initially.



Instead of complaining to your boyfriend, your girlfriend, WHOEVER- the point remains if you're getting hit on by someone at work, it's unwanted and you feel at anytime that it's not worth losing your job over, then you need to take a good hard look at yourself. Because I'm telling you. Several months is unacceptable, and I personally would start to wonder what his perspective of the story is like.

Think about it. 

It May Never Change...(but it's easily forgotten)

I have a question.

Whenever us 80's babies are talking about music from our childhood- we always bring up Motownphilly, or Skee-Lo's I Wish, we may even drop some Heavy D and the Boyz or hell, bring up Shanice's I Love your Smile... but I never-

and I mean EVER, hear anybody bring this song or group up.

Mista- Blackberry Molasses (1996)

I mean, yes the song is pretty damn depressing, but still. This was a good damn song.
Right now, you're probably smiling and saying out loud, I remember this.

Hey! Look at lil' Bobby Valentino!!

Because You Left

"...No. No. I'm a catch. And I am not going to be the one who got away..." -Michael Scott, The Office (Chair Model)

First and foremost, it's been a long time. I shouldn't have left you... but there's been a lot on my plate. However, I'm back and I wanted to speak to you about something so let's just get right to it. 

Here goes. Ready?
Outside of sex, NEVER go back to an ex. EVER.

It seems like every other week I hear of somebody going back to an ex, just as somebody else is complaining and breaking up with the ex they got back with the other week. I've never gone back to an ex. It's completely pointless. I will explain why in a minute. 

And when I say that, I also include that asinine term- 'The one that got away' (which is the EXACT person we shall discuss)

See, the reason exes fascinate you so much is because your ego blows the old romance you once shared with that person out of proportion, and ALL YOU SEE IS THE GOOD. An ex comes back in your life talking about how things will be different this time around and how they've changed and oh, they're paying SO MUCH attention to you. Your ego is so smitten that they came crawling back that you unwittingly ignore the bad; or maybe you're not ignoring it completely- but you definitely trivialize it. You don't think about the stuff that sank the relationship in the first place.

In fact, you're more likely to idealize the whole experience- remembering something greater than it actually was. 

Because no matter what he/she say says this time around, there is one inalienable truth: If he/she was that great, they would've never left/'broke up for good' in the first place. 

I say this all the time, but one of the problems facing romance in this age is people frequently confuse 'in love' with 'fleeting' (In my opinion it's the number one reason why guys call girls 'Wifey' which leads to early marriages/shacking up and inevitable divorce.)

And get this, most people don't consider the absolute need for some things to be neutral when they're blinded by 'fleeting'. But we're talking about 'the one that got away' which implies the love of your life. Your highest human interest. They didn't have that neutral stake with you. You weren't the love of their life. They broke up with you. So when they come back to you and tells you that you were always the one-

-you go and believe them? 

Grief of a failed relationship can become obsessive- I don't know why- may be it's a way of hanging onto something or someone long gone. Problem is, when you hang on to things that are long gone, the effort that it costs you will keep you from living any other happier life. 

The ex is always sooo giving, and flexible and so great when they want to come back, but they're not right in the head because if they were, they wouldn't have rebounded from wherever they just came from so easily. Chances are they're confused and just want someone, anyone, to nurture them.

(I'd like to add here, that anybody who comes back while dealing with someone else, or with unresolved issues with another person is a potential cheater and is only looking for sex. Period.)

'The One that Got Away' is a cliche that invokes passiveness or self-pity. Think about it. (Also consider, 'the one that got away' kinda implies that they were captured at some point.) If you're living in the past grieving about something long gone, then it's very easy to feel that way. Did they really get away??

-or are you just the one that won't go away?

With all that being said, I will admit... though I've NEVER gone back to an ex, there's only one situation where I'd consider it. 
Here goes: The woman and I would have had to been like, BEST friends and we had drunken sex a couple times and I didn't realize when she came clean and admitted she's been in love with me for years and I rejected her, only to later realize that I've been in love with her too. (or vice versa)

or: She writes a record breaking, multi-platinum album about our experience together...and her name is Adele.

Before I leave, I want to leave you with some bullet points. (feel free to print these out and stick 'rm in your wallet)

How to tell if your ex wants to come crawling back to you:

• They take initiative to reach out to you. (Especially if it's through friends, family, INTERNET, etc.)
• They stare at you/touch you the same as when they were with you
• They hang around you longer than they have before (whether it's in person, on the phone etc.)
• They make themselves more attractive for you, implementing improvements you once suggested
• They make efforts to make things right with you
• They talk about the relationship/breakup and how things could have been better
• They allude to a future... and you're in it.

and it wouldn't be fair if I didn't bullet point reminders why you should IGNORE all those things. 

Reasons why you should NOT get back with your ex:

• It didn't work out for a reason!
• Living in, and RE-living the past prevents you from MOVING ON!
• Sure, some couples get back together and live happily ever after- but how many examples are there? THAT YOU ACTUALLY KNOW??
• People ...adults, DO NOT change!
• Do NOT settle for anyone who couldn't keep you around in the first place!

Until next time, 

Tescadero.