The Notorious SIRI

Okay.

Also, this is hilarious. (But I fear, kids won't get what I'm saying here)

Moneyball and Life: The Art of Winning an Unfair Game

'Moneyball: The Art of Winning an Unfair Game' is a 2003 book written by Michael Lewis about the Oakland A's baseball team and its manager, Billy Beane. The book focuses on Billy's modern, sabermetric approach to building a competitive team in a league where Oakland's revenue just cannot compete with the rest of the MLB. The movie starring Brad Pitt was released earlier this year, and will be released on DVD/Blu Ray on Jan. 10. I cannot stress enough how awesome this movie was.

In fact, this is what this particular entry is about.

I know most of you are not interested in baseball, but I'm not focusing on the actual game of baseball here. I'm focusing on the idea that the film chose to support. The idea that yes you- the little guy CAN take on the machine and 'win'. Yes, you can change the rules of the game- especially when the game is being played to put you at a disadvantage.
The film stars Brad Pitt as Beane, who is living with the ghost of his own short-lived, failed, baseball career haunting him, forever regretting his decision to play in the majors and sacrifice his full scholarship to Stanford. His failed marriage, and his daughter now living with his ex-wife and her effeminate new husband, and he's the general manager of the Oakland A's. The Oakland A's are in a bad shape. They consistently grow great players, but since they don't have much money- the players they train and "farm" are snatched away by larger and richer teams. Beane has beaten himself up so much over his shitty life that he blames the team's failures on his own bad luck.

But then something happens, (I'm not going to tell the movie) and it snowballs into Beane changing the way the sport is viewed and played. He decides to go against all the pros and all the folk that tell him he won't win and take a chance on what he feels is right. Since the odds were heavily stacked against him from the beginning, this is not an easy path to take. He is constantly flanked by opposition, most of it from his own team. As I sat there in that theater absorbing the film, I couldn't help but feel like I could relate to Billy in so many ways. Sometimes our lives can present us with choices we have to make that at first seem like great decisions, but then you find yourself twenty years later regretting those decisions and you feel like you're at rock bottom because of them. ...well at least that's how I felt watching it. After Beane applies his method, there's no immediate change- in fact the team slumps worse than before, but then in that 11th hour, the team goes on to accomplish a record breaking 20 game win streak. (which actually happened in 2002- film's based on a true story, guys) You find yourself now cheering for the underdog as the defunct ragtag A's are now playoff bound, Beane's finally believing in himself.. and then well...

Just go look at sport's records to find out what happened next. Hint: They  didn't make it to the championship. Hey, not all endings are happy.

So is the lesson 'Moneyball' trying to teach us is: 'Winning' isn't everything or better yet, recognize what true victory is? The legendary Vince Lombardi used to say that (winning) it's the only thing. But what if Lombardi was wrong? What if other things mean more, last longer, have more significance than victories, not only in life but also in the particular lives of the people who play the games?

*spoiler alert*
At the very end of the film, Beane is just about to give up, because he's facing the reality that he can't win. He just CAN'T. He faces the decision to walk away from his dream of just 'winning' one time and chasing a better paycheck and a stress free life. Then he pops in a CD that his daughter made for him- and she sings THIS SONG. The actress, Kerris Dorsey does a great job, but she alters the outro lyrics from the original song which go

I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back
Just enjoy the show

to her own version which goes:

You're such a loser, Dad
You're such a loser, Dad
You're such a loser, Dad
Just enjoy the show


In pro sports, and sometimes life, there's no epithet worse than 'loser' However, in this context, it's not really an epithet at all. It's a term of endearment, a message of love from a daughter to her Dad, and more importantly from the filmmakers to us ...It doesn't matter if the Oakland A's didn't win the World Series. It didn't matter if Billy Beane was, and still is, a "loser" according to the traditional standard. He's a WINNER because he raged against the machine. Billy fought the good fight and because his daughter loves him enough to sing him a song, and tease him, he has won in the end.

Take a look at your own life. There are probably things you wish could go better or decisions you've made that led to some crappy situations, or some downright defeats. I'm constantly reminded how much I've failed in so many aspects of my life, but you know what? I'm reminded that none of that matters when I tweet that I'm having a crappy day, and I get 20 concerned phone calls before the end of the afternoon, or I throw a birthday party and folk come out and party with me and make me feel like the man of the year. You're not going to 'win' them all. No one does.
However if you do what you feel is right, and you put forth a solid effort, you work hard, and you recognize your TRUE victories, you'll always be a winner. Apply this to your own life.

You too can 'win' the unfair game. 

Kerris Dorsey's version of the show. It's SO adorable. (The actual song begins around 2:25 after the trailer)

Fuck YOU, Winnie Cooper!

Thank you cosmic superpowers for Netflix.
Why?

Because NETFLIX has 'The Wonder Years'

This show helped illustrate what life was kinda like to a young Tescadero. As I sat there watching the show that gave birth to 'Boy Meets World', watching the young Kevin Arnold go through those awkward teenage years, I walked down my own memory lane all whilst being serenaded by some of the best songs of the 1960's. (And arguably the best soundtrack a television show has ever put together. I forgot how much I loved this show.)

Allow me to digress for a second in case you've never SEEN The Wonder Years. This show transcended a normal coming of age story. It perfectly depicted those awkward teenage times when you're trying to discover what kind of adult you're gonna be. For example here’s the narrator (adult Kevin Arnold) at the close of the first episode, right after Kevin and Winnie have their first kiss:

"It was the first kiss for both of us. We never really talked about it afterward, but I think about the events of that day again and again, and somehow I know that Winnie does too. Whenever some blowhard starts talking about the anonymity of the suburbs, or the mindlessness of the TV generation. Because we know that inside each one of those identical boxes, with its Dodge parked out front, and its white bread on the table, and its TV set glowing blue in the falling dusk, there were people with stories. There were families bound together in the pain and the struggle of love. There were moments that made us cry with laughter. And there were moments, like that one, of sorrow and wonder."

That's not television, that is literature. That is poetry.

When you watch these two kids nervously touch lips for the first time, you get a weird sense of nostalgia. You probably weren't a kid in the 60's, hell you probably weren't the age they were portraying- but you'll feel like you were. This is a testament to the show’s endurance, to its deep resonance in American pop culture.

...and then I remembered why I hate Winnie Cooper. For those of you that don't remember- Winnie was the girl of Kevin's dreams. His first love, his high school sweetheart. All of that. This hatred probably should have went away, but now, looking back and watching the show with adult eyes... nope- I STILL hate her.

It seems the only difference between my hatred for her then, and my hatred for her now is- as a kid I was frustrated for Kevin's sake. I sat there with him every week as she pulled him through that yo-yo garbage disposal she calls her feelings. You know what I'm talking about- she doesn't want to be with him, but she wants to talk to him everyday, she wants to be his female best friend, she wants to be around him everyday, and she wants him to be fine with all of that.

I sit here now and hate her for what she represents. She represents ALL WOMEN that don't know what they want, yet manipulate their talons into one guy while she shops through numerous other men, erring and experimenting in pursuit of what she IS looking for. Because she figures as long as she's verbally honest, she's not doing anything wrong. So sure, she can tell you all about why YOU aren't good enough, and usually these reasons are really dumb. (i.e. I just was told by a girl two weeks ago, that I would be perfect for her, and she beats herself up that she isn't giving us a fair chance- but she hates the way I dress)

Oh yes, Ms. Cooper, I am not fooled by your obvious girl next door, plain, inexpressive personality. You are the devil. Pure evil incarnate. When you wanted a bad guy, Kevin was nice. Kevin grew into a bit of a dick, and suddenly your flavor was nice guys. You just couldn't make up your mind could you?
Let's not mention that whole period where everyone in town knew your panties were in a bunch for Kevin but you STILL wouldn't give him any affection. Your only explanation was, (and I quote): "I like you, Kevin...but I don't...but I do!" WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! Ugh.

 Death to the Winnie Coopers of the world.

Chasing the elusive 'Mother'

So I've been on and off watching this little popular show called, "How I Met Your Mother" I fell in love with the pilot, then the first season, then followed by the second... kinda groaned my way through the third, all while realizing: As a writer, and comic book fiend, (which means that I'm a continuity Nazi) I believe this show was doomed from the first episode.


Let me take a moment to explain.
(Ignore this next paragraph if you've watched the show.)
The show is about the main character, Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor) with narration by Bob Saget, who in the year 2030 recounts to his (pre or early teen- it's never identified) son and daughter the events that led to his meeting their mother, which explains the title and allows for a narration in the past tense. How I Met Your Mother follows Ted alongside his friends Lily (Alyson Hannigan), Marshall (Jason Segel), Robin (Cobie Smulders), and Barney (Neil Patrick Harris). The pilot opens with Ted sitting his daughter and son down to tell them the (long version) story of how he met their mother. The scene flashes back to 2005 and the story goes forth from there introducing several women Ted dates that teaches him something that will affect his future, all while keeping who the woman he will marry and have two children with (or as fans call her, the Mother) a secret. Which, with the addition of Neil Patrick Harris' breakout character, has been the main attraction to the show. 


So, we are now three episodes into season 7, and Ted has once again bumped into a major girlfriend (and by far my favorite out of all of misses-pun intended) from season 1. The baker, Victoria. Which led into some slight foreshadowing over the upcoming love triangle between Robin, Barney and Ted. I personally loved this character since her debut in Drumroll Please but it got me thinking. They really have to wrap this show up soon because if the kids are about 15 in the pilot, that means he had the kids in 2015, and knowing Ted, he probably is already married to her before he has children with her. Then it hit me. It  sort of became obvious (at least to me) who the Mother might be, and I'll gladly share my theory with you. 
So, let's start out with the FACTS that Ted has revealed about the Mother. (Note: It's also been shown that future Ted is probably an unreliable narrator, he's smudged a couple things for the sake of his children's ears, i.e. marijuana use and sexual acts.)

• Ted definitely meets the mother in New York. (Lucky Penny)
• Ted has NOT met the Mother yet. He tells his children that when he did meet her he called her right away. [that same night] (Three Days Rule) He has not yet done so with any woman shown. He also reveals to his children that the Mother laughed when he told his 'shellfish-selfish' joke. No other woman has done that.(Double Date) 
• The Mother is in college as of 2009. (Season 4) In the episode Definitions, Ted is teaching his first class at Columbia University and he reveals to his children that he is not only in the wrong classroom, (he was in the Economics class) but the Mother was in that class. 
• While teaching at Columbia, Ted briefly dates a student named Cindy. Cindy is the Mother's roommate. (Girls Versus Suits) In the same episode, it's revealed that the Mother is interested in a lot of the things Ted is also into. Ted also catches a glimpse of her heel as she runs into her bedroom. 
• Future Ted reveals he is the best man at a wedding, and he finally meets the Mother at that wedding. (Big Days) Later, in Challenge Accepted it is revealed that the wedding is Barney's.
• Ted has already married and had his two children by 2021. This is revealed in Garbage Island when he runs into Wendy the waitress and tells her so. This is further supported several episodes later in The Exploding Meatball Sub when 2021 is shown again, Ted is wearing a wedding ring. 

There are plenty of other factors we could talk about, but in my opinion, it's all filler. These are definite. 

This leads to my theory. The Mother is Barney's half sister, Carly Whittaker. She has never been shown, and she has only been mentioned. (Legendaddy) In fact, the only thing they've revealed about her is that she's in college. But I base my theory on: 

• She's in college. (I just said that.)
• Since she's Barney's sister, she'll most likely be at his wedding.
• Barney has absolutely no reservations with flirting with and attempting to sleep with Ted's sister, (even though it goes against his own 'Bro Code: Article 3') Heather, so it's probably the same vice versa. (Little Minnesota)
• Future Ted also frequently refers to his friends as 'aunt' or 'uncle' when he mentions them to his kids. Barney frequently refers to Ted as his best friend, and claims that he is Ted's to which Ted has repeatedly denied, and said Marshall is his best friend. A guy referring to his best friend to his children as 'uncle' is normal- a lot of men refer to their best friends do it. Since Lily is Marshall's wife, this would sort of explain her referral as 'Aunt Lily'. If Carly is the Mother, then Barney's 'uncle' title would be literal. So would Robin's if she winds up marrying Barney- but that's another conversation.
• Usually, in a mystery- the culprit is the character that has been mentioned but not shown frequently. most writers don't mention a character unless that character becomes essential to the story at some point. It's a waste of time to do so if the character has no place. Example. A character in a story may have a living mother, BUT her name probably won't be mentioned if she isn't going to have a place in the tale later on. Think about it. Even though she wasn't shown, they went out of their way to reveal Barney DOES have a half-sister, and she IS off in college. Even though it really had nothing to do with the plot of the episode. (again, see: Legendaddy)
• It's implied that the kid's mother is a brunette, in the episode Shelter Island It's revealed what his children would've looked like with a blonde mother. (or rather with Stella) Since Carly's brother J.J. has brown hair, (again, Legendaddy) odds are Carly will also have brown hair.  

Anyway, that's my theory- and until further hints drop- that's what I'm sticking to. Sorry I'm so long winded. Feel free to comment and call me an idiot. 
So back to my 'the show is doomed' line from earlier. Well they've locked themselves into quitting at 2015, no matter how successful the show is, or how much the studio wants to continue. They need to come to an end at 2015. Not only that, but they have to somehow keep Ted interesting, and sweet enough (which they are failing at) that we even give a damn about him finding his true love. Personally, Ted has been getting on my nerves ever since he broke up with Robin, (technically Victoria, but I forgave him) It's hard not to see his blatant douchebaggery with each passing season. And it seems the longer the show drags on with this mysterious premise, the more ridiculous Barney's antics get. Which, it could be argued that his antics are only ridiculous because of Ted's horrible and unnecessary (at times) storytelling, but I digress. 




UPDATE
As of May 14, 2012... my theory is still on track with being correct. In the episode, The Magician's Code it is revealed that Barney does indeed end up marrying Robin and Ted is the best man at that wedding. 


Also, at a bar the other night- I was speaking to someone about the show and then thought it'd be totally hilarious if the Mother was not the wife. Illegitimate children, rule! lol. 
...but then it'd be too much like Definitely, Maybe

Were (We're) with Friends -Part 3: Perspicacity

continued from Part 2: Quandary (<---clicky)

Finally.
So we've established that you've been 'zoned' and you tried to escape that dreadful area to no avail. It's simply time to pick another target. But not so fast! Don't cut that girl off! Only inexperienced and small minded guys freak out because they've been sent to the zone. Maybe because they feel it's so closely tied to rejection. Regardless, there are benefits to keeping the girl around. Believe it or not there are some really good benefits to being in the friend zone. Don't believe me? I'll show you. In fact, to make this interesting- I'll compare each benefit with a TV platonic male/female relationship that illustrate my point. Now, without further ado- Let's get on with it:

1.) No other guys will take advantage of being there with you. (Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy [30 Rock])

...and by being there, I mean the friend zone. Think about it. Most women aren't gonna have more than one guy occupying the coveted 'main guy friend' spot. They usually aren't looking for one, and no other guys ever take advantage of it. Sure, she'll have male friends, but you need to be that main one. The guy who she tells what turns her on and all her embarrassing details. Because you're going to turn that shit around and use it for other girl experiments. With no other guys around, it becomes much easier for you to reap the other following rewards of being in the zone. See, most guys can't deal with rejection and cut off all ties with the girl that rejects them. Unless she's a scandalous, selfish, skank, this is stupid. Sure, getting turned down isn't any fun, but if you're confident in yourself and don't take everything personally, you'll be a different type of attractive to the female community. (i.e. her social circle) Trust me. The poontang will come rolling in, if you're playing your cards right.

2.) There's the possibility of being more... (Jerry Seinfeld and Elaine Benes [Seinfeld])


The possibility of becoming more than a friend is the main and most obvious reason why guys stay in the friend zone with girls. You two exist in a  little world where everyone wonders if you two are sleeping with each other. But you're not, even though you interact like an old married couple. She knows that, her friends know that, your friends know that. Don't try to hide it. Now, when it comes to women that have strong will, this possibility of 'being more' may never become reality. However, if you know what you're doing and have patience, you can turn things around in your favor. Mind you, you really shouldn't be trying 'turn things around' unless you're truly in love with her. If you chose to stay in the friend zone for this reason, the you gotta be patient. If you're here just for an opportunity to smash, you're pathetic. And she's probably going to see through your bullshit. If ou truly love her, don't suffocate the girl with your affection- then you're gonna try too hard, which will lead to you being needy. She has put you in a place where she feels comfortable, and if you're going to be her friend, you have to come to terms with that. Now, maybe she needs sex from you. That can be accomplished as long you know what it is before you hop in those sheets. Is this boredom sex? Is this counseling and consoling sex? Whatever it is, if you're solid in the friend zone- it ain't let's get together sex. It's 'you're the penis I trust the most at this time, and I need a penis sex' Can you handles that honestly?? Play your position.
Of course, this can also lead to a deeply intimate relationship, which if it fails, the friendship is screwed...so be smart. 

3.) Building your confidence. (Chandler Bing and Monica Geller-before they slept together. [Friends])

Being in the friend zone also means that by becoming friends with more girls, you'll be able to improve your confidence and comfort level around them. This is extremely helpful if you don't have very much experience and want to be more relaxed and natural around them. This will unwittingly prepare you for future interactions with other women. Spending time around other girls, makes being on a date a lot more natural, aside from trying to sleep with the new girl, it'll kinda be like hanging with your friend- which equals a less stressful time for you.
The only foreseeable downside to becoming comfortable around girls is when you become too comfortable being around girls, you may soften up, or become too crafty and change for the worse. Even worse, you may become that guy that she tells all her big dick fantasy lady stuff to. But maybe you can handle that, because again, that just invites you into their brain. If you can handle that, make sure you are yourself around girls and don't change yourself to fit in with them. NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY.

4.) Opportunities to meet new women. (Ted Mosby and Robin Sherbatsky [How I Met Your Mother])

This one is for all you opportunists out there. Being in this position gives you new opportunities to meet new women. Double points if they're her friends. If you are outgoing enough you'll end up meeting friends of the girl who friend zoned you, which can grow your pool of dating prospects. This will make it easier for you to bounce back and recover after being put in the friend zone. The more often you find yourself in the friend zone, the more opportunities you'll find to meet new women. This will help speed up the process of finding the right girl for you. Maybe you can't grab a girl from her friend list. Fine. Girls are really good at tracking and hunting down future prospects. Even being with your lady friend in a bar increases your chances of meeting a new woman. Think of them as a dog on a duck hunt. Remember it's the female lions that hunt...and when you got a good lady friend in your corner, hunt. they. shall. 

5.) Free Advice from a Woman's Perspective (Michael Scott and Pam Beesly-Halpert [The Office])

This is the last and arguably the most beneficial reason. If you can manage to stay in the friend zone with the girl without shuffling her off to the limbo of insignificance then you'll have a reliable source of free dating and relationship advice as long as she's around. This will definitely come in handy when you need to work through some issues with future prospects, and it's A) not as embarrassing talking to her as opposed to your male friends; and B) her advice probably won't be as idiotic as his may. So take advantage of this kind of advice if you ever need it. C) She may even repair the damage you did to some other woman.

And there you have it. Hopefully I've done my part in the male community and helped my brothers out there. If I haven't, oh well. You were probably destined for failure from the beginning. Happy hunting!

Were (we're) With Friends -Part 2: Quandary

continued from: Part 1: Malaise <----click click--="">

OK! you've read Part 1 and you're now aware of what's going on. Hopefully. Now you're thinking, "Damn. Do I have a chance?" Um. Yes.

See the thing is- for MOST men- I'll say 83% of them, (made up statistic) the friend zone simply means that they done GOOFED.  You had a chance in the beginning, but you did something. Somewhere along the way, you fucked up by saying something or doing something. Whatever you did, you're now here, and you want to get out. Most people will tell you that it's a complicated process and there's all these steps and you have to do this, and that and the third. Totally untrue. Well... maybe not. But I've really thought about this and I think I've simplified this as much as it can be.

STEP 1: ACCEPT THE STATUS OF THE SITUATION.
aka You ARE her friend. Deal with it.


It's like this. She's made a conscious decision NOT to be with you, and no amount of persuading or rather, begging and pleading is going to change her mind. Well, maybe it will- but rarely it does. If you beg or plead with her then you only look soft in her eyes and whiny. I don't believe any of those attributes are going to help you. You should respond as stoically as you can, because if you respond by acting hostile or depressed it will ALWAYS work against you. If you take the rejection personally she'll most likely see it that you DO believe you're not good enough for her, or better yet: a total lack of confidence. That thought almost always equals: Unattractive.

Instead, try spending a little time figuring out why she put you there in the first place. Get out of your feelings and realize that a LOT of the time women do this shit and it has very little to do with you.

She could be:

• too busy with her personal life to deal with a relationship right now.
• recovering from a prior relationship (Very Common)
• she has commitment issues (which, in a way- she's doing you a favor)
• recovering from some mental shit (laugh if you want- there's some crazy wimmens out there)

You could take advice from your guy friend- which most of us do. (Silly us) and this usually results in cutting off all communication with the girl which really makes no sense because:

• You're never gonna have another chance with this broad. 
• You kinda just gave her power over YOUR emotions. (I'm anti THAT no matter the situation)
• You're GOING to look childish AND immature

So seriously. Kick back- put your feet and enjoy the friend zone.

Because if you pimp this shit right, you can walk away with some very promising rewards. (See Part 3: Perspicacity) 

STEP 2: BUILD SOME SYMMETRY

aka It's time for equal opportunity

When she puts you in the friend zone she has officially passed you up and is now open for business from other guys. This is where you do the same thing with other women. If you're so foolishly in love with this chick that you can't be with any other woman, then you better damn pretend and be convincing. This maneuver shows her that you don't think she's too good for you, she's NOT that special, and you aren't infatuated with her. (Even though you think you are. wink wink) If other women will happily date you, then natural law says she's gonna become interested in you- she probably won't be beating down your door anytime soon- but she'll definitely show a greater interest in you than she did before you put her on the reserve list. 

If you want my honest opinion (and you probably do, since you're reading this) you should never EVER put all your eggs in one basket, so work social circles. Your friends have friends and they have friends of their own. In one of these circles is a suitable collection of 'variables' (other women) that can be used to draw the attention of Girl A, friend zone Sally. Date them. Level the playing field. If you notice that Girl A has taken a sudden interest in you, now it's time to really show her that you've taken her suggestion to be friends to heart. Ask her out on a non-date. Let her accompany you somewhere that can be seen as a date to others but not to her. Book store trips, and shopping for clothes are tactics I've used before successfully. It's all in how you play your cards. But don't over do this because you may dig yourself too deep in this area. Oh, and if you two do talk about other people- the variables you both are seeing- keep it light. (Light enough to show that you're interested in conversing and spending time with her, but you don't wanna be her confidant.) Also try playfully flirting with her. Shit talking. Purposefully place no actual validity in what you're saying because 'your attention is actually on your variables'- the key here is to just build a comfort zone. If she flirts back then you've established that comfort zone/fair game, son. 

Once you have established fair game then there's only one thing left to do.

STEP 3: THE KILL SHOT

Make your move, Chief

OK. Here's the thing. Hopefully you aren't sensitive and you didn't go home crying because she rejected you the first time. Because in order to get out of the friend zone, you're going to have to make the first move. (again) She won't.
She will not.
Trust me. I'm comfortable enough in writing this to say 100% (another bullshit, but dangerously accurate statistic) of the time she will standby and let you fail if you miss the opportunity. You want an ommelette? You gotta break some eggs, homie.  However she will give you hints that it's okay to make this move. Open the door. Opportunity's on your porch. But play it cool, guy. If she finds out that your variables weren't legitimate threats, then you're screwed.

Now, if you followed step 1 and 2 correctly, then you've shown her that you won't get hostile or upset if she rejects you again and you have other options. But here's what she won't factor in. You have the odds stacked in your favor now. I am not saying that you're guaranteed to succeed. I'm saying that you should.

However...if she puts you in the friend zone AGAIN, then don't sweat it because you now have other dating prospects and can move on without skipping a beat. 

and... If you did put all your eggs in one basket with this one and you did fail again... well, I can only hope that you somehow get the fuck over it and STOP PURSUING HER. You'll come off as needy, pathetic and probably creepy. You and her ending up with you only works on TV. (I'm looking at YOU, Urkel)

Now if you've been rejected (again?) and you're okay- and you're over her- then I think it's time to move on to part three... 

Part THREE (<----click)

'Elegy' for my Love... (A long dead chick I would've dated.)

Dorthy Rothschild. aka the infamous Dorothy Parker. Where do I begin? What can I say about her that wasn't probably scrawled on men's bathroom stalls  back in her day? Not as if she cared, not when she would go on to say: "I don't care what is written about me, so long as it isn't true."

Never heard of her? Well, she was a legendary member of New York's literary scene. Known for her biting wit and cruel humor, Parker rose to acclaim for her literary work in such venues as The New Yorker, Vogue, and Vanity Fair. She was also a founding member of the Algonquin Round Table. Maybe you're familiar with this group if you saw Alan Rudolph's film Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle (1994), starring Jennifer Jason Leigh, Campbell Scott, and Matthew Broderick. After the breakup of the circle, Parker traveled to Hollywood to pursue screenwriting. She succeeded there, winning two Academy Award nominations.

However, Mrs. Parker wasn't without her dark days. She came from a conflicted, and very unhappy childhood. She went through three marriages (two with the same man) and was involved with 'certain politics' that would result in being blacklisted. Add on her bout with depression and surviving several suicide attempts, all while growing increasingly dependent on alcohol. As much as she wanted to be taken seriously, and actually author a full novel, Mrs. Parker never really escaped her reputation as a jokester, even after proving to be a prolific writer of short stories, dramatic criticism, articles, war reporting, political essays, song lyrics, and screenplays, dramas and verse. Once, because she was unable to admit to failure, she chose what she felt was the only solution that a writer could resolve her writer's block Then impulsively swallowed a bottle of shoe polish. Perhaps it's easier to understand her actions and drive for writing when it's revealed that she was a huge fan of Oscar Wilde. She once said in Life magazine when reviewing Wilde,

If with the literate I am
Impelled to try an epigram,
I never seek to take the credit;
We all assume that Oscar said it.

She was blunt and honest, she never lost sight of what she was born to do. When asked why she became a writer, she quickly and nonchalantly replied, "Need of money, dear" After all, writing is a business. She would later identify the "two most beautiful words in the English language" as "check enclosed" She had an open contempt for the pretentious (even when she exhibited it) and blatantly disliked writers who put on airs. She hated that some authors would misuse and rape 'creativitity' stating, the "function of a writer is to write." In her eyes, a writer was no more than any other craftsman or worker.

Her reputation as one of (if not THE) wittiest woman of the twentieth century was founded on simple snarky quotes and agile, tart one liners. Once while playing a word game where she was tasked to use the word 'horticulture' she responded, "You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think" How about a short verse, learning from experience no doubt,


(Unfortunate Experience first printed in Life, April 8th 1926)
By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying-
Lady make a note of this:
One of you is lying.


She was not shy with her image either:

I'd like to have a Martini
Two at the very most.
After three, I'm under the table
After four, I'm under my host. 


She would later in her life write book reviews for Esquire, and put down her days with the Round Circle. She  would eventually die in 1967 from a heart attack. In her will she bequeathed all of her assets to the Martin Luther King, Jr. foundation. When he died, her estate was passed on to the NAACP. However due to various negligence and personal obstacles, they were not able to claim her ashes until 1988m where they buried her and designed a memorial for her outside their Baltimore, MD headquarters. The plaque at the site reads:

"Here lie the ashes of Dorothy Parker (1893–1967) humorist, writer, critic. Defender of human and civil rights. For her epitaph she suggested, 'Excuse my dust'. This memorial garden is dedicated to her noble spirit which celebrated the oneness of humankind and to the bonds of everlasting friendship between black and Jewish people. Dedicated by the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. October 28, 1988"

Dorothy's legacy has remained notorious, and she has been portrayed several times in film and television and served as the inspiration of several fictional characters in plays. In 1987, Prince paid homage to her by writing a song called, "The Ballad of Dorothy Parker: which is on his 'Sign O' the Times' album.


In closing I hope you can see why I'd date this powerful woman. I hope you check out some of her writing- it could be argued that she is partly responsible for women being respected and admired in the world of Hollywood and modern literature. Even at her sweetest, because several people admitted she had impeccable manners- this woman was not afraid to express herself. She was a limited edition kinda girl, meaning there's nobody like her, and there probably never will be. Maybe you're not impressed, but I ask you this: Are you picturing this is a woman who was saying and doing all of these things in a time where women were rather seen and not heard (unless you were a star) a woman who like most women was once expected to try and please everyone, and soft pedal her opinions to suit what others wanted to hear. 


Wanna know what Dorothy said to that?


But now I know the things I know,
And do the things I do;
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you!


Suggested Reading: 


"The Portable Dorothy Parker" PRODUCT SEARCH HER CLICKETY-CLICK

Were (we're) With Friends -Part 1: Malaise

Recently, I was attracted to this girl, and I kinda failed. Well, not really- because I didn't really put forth a solid effort- well, whatever. The point is, I ended up in that foul region of platonic hell that most guys dread.

 THE FRIEND ZONE

First, let's recognize exactly what the 'friend zone' is. See, the way I've observed it- women aren't so black and white as we are, they can't do it anywhere and anytime as easily as we can because with them it usually comes with an onslaught of other dizzying and (to us) totally unnecessary emotions. So to most women, a male friend is the best of both worlds. She can get all the shoulder crying, strength, solid advice, concrete decision making, common sense (usually) and etc. without the web of hormonal problems that sex brings to the table. Men aren't usually strapped with the same mentally crippling thoughts that women are- in fact it's kinda the opposite. Guy likes girl, he wants to express his feelings between the sheets. Case closed. 


In some cases- it seems like the female brain can't process that kind of rationale. Instead, it almost instantaneously segregates any man it meets into two categories. Either he's a lover, or a friend. (Now it's quite possible that one man can in the course of that relationship fulfill both roles, however this is usually the result of the male either breaking through the friend zone, or being demoted to the friend zone once it's revealed that he can't handle the former.) Once the woman has quarantined you over to the friend camp, it's all but impossible for her to see you in any other light. What makes it worse is how she kinda forces you to still act like the dicks she's currently "sexploiting"- YOU KNOW- paying for her meals, getting that thing she likes, lifting that heavy couch she just bought, all without the fringe benefit of tapping that ass.



A lot of guys foolishly believe that if they act like that great friend, or romantic counselor, they can "sneak past" the defenses into her heart, or at least their underwear. In my experience, this only works in movies and crazy women.
...and then there are times when your timing just fucking sucks. She just got out of a shitty relationship- or she's an emotional cripple or whatever. Either way, you're all liking her and shit and she's just looking to drown her sorrows and make some slutty decisions without blatantly being slutty. ...and you're too fucking busy trying to be Prince Charming.


Whatever the case may be- it's my belief that if you get put into one, ABORT. 
However, maybe you really and truly like this woman and you want to give it your all without being a psycho stalker who just can't take a hint. We have to first identify if you are in the friend zone. In this chapter of this topic, I will show you what I think are MY tell signs if you've been "ZONED" (as my friends call it)
(starting from the most obvious)


1. She be drooling over other guys.
Yeah, that's when you take her out and she casually mentions how cute the guy who poured her beer was, or she proudly states how the guy who goes in the back to get her shoe can give her a baby, or how the guy who counted her deposit at the bank makes her want to church faint...etc. etc.

2. When you hang out, she brings a third wheel. 
So... you asked her out. You bragged to all your friends that you two were gonna kick it. SWEET. You go meet up with her, and Ohhhhhh...she's bringing her best friend... or her roommate....or her co-worker... 


3. She doesn't touch you.
 ...and by this I mean, she doesn't casually slap your knee when she's laughing, she doesn't put her arm around you when posing for pictures, no contact whatsoever. Maybe she hugs you when she's leaving your presence, but that's it. She's not touching you, bro. You know what I'm talking 'bout.


4. She asks you for favors.
She got you helping her move, and lifting boxes and  shit... she got you giving her rides... she got you letting her borrow money, and you're just an awesome buddy. Good lookin' out kid!


5. She keeps a weird distance in public.
Okay, so maybe she DID invite you to the bar she was at. But it's not your bad jokes that has her sitting at the table while you're on the dance floor...and speaking of your bad jokes...


6. She doesn't laugh at your corny/tasteless jokes
Usually girls that are into you give you sympathy chuckles when you're stinking up the car with your horrible Tosh.O impersonations, but all she's giving you is the cue to shut the fuck up. 

7. She doesn't do anything you're interested in
Every time you suggest something, she tells you that it sounds cool, but she never actually participates in the activity. Something always comes up, or she says it's too hard to figure out. In some cases, she may just straight up and down say she doesn't care for the activity. Either way, she ain't down.


8. She talks about other girls you should be interested in
If she's really trying to hook you up with her friend, then she's not concerned with taking you off the shelf herself. This also applies with her coaxing you to man up and talk to the girl that just walked past- or coaching you to prepare for the next girl that comes along. 



9. There's no awkward moments... or sexual tension
You feel awkward because you 're nervous and you're hoping today is the day that you say something magical that will finally give you a tour of her baby factory. She barely even notices it. She mentions to you when she takes shits, and she probably picks her nose in front of you. It's all good, because she doesn't need to be sexy for YOU. You're her buddy!


10. She introduces you to others as: "This is my friend..."

Finally, the most obvious and sometimes vital clue. Like men, a lot of women approach that weird dating phase of new relationships the same way men do.Usually, when you're not sure what a person is, or when a person isn't that endearing to you it shows when you introduce them to others. Seriously. Look for it next time you're out and about. Notice how you may something like, "Hey Joe! This is Lisa. She works with me." with some folk, and "Hey Joe! This is my homegirl Kelly!" with others. 
She blatantly labelled you as a friend to whoever she introduced you to. Unless she agreed with you prior that your affair would be secret, Game Over, bro. Game Over.


And that's pretty much it. (Well, at least from my perspective) If you're experiencing 2-3 of any combination of those, chances are you've been ZONED. But don't worry. It's not the end of the world. Now that you can recognize the signs, it's time to ditch that dead end and bounce to something new. However... maybe you're a stubborn SOB and you refuse to let this one go. Maybe she's got a snatch made of platinum. I don't know. Hopefully, that's your excuse. And if it is...then mosey on over to Part 2. CLICK HERE

Amazing Tescadero #15 (...you never forget Gwen Stacy)

I tweeted yesterday I was in a good mood today because "Gwen Stacy contacted me- wanting to go out", it occurred to me that my non-comic fans have no clue the significance of that statement. Well. Here goes.

ALL OF THE LIGHTS...all of the lights...

"All of the Lights" - Kanye West (My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy)

featuring: (No, seriously-) Rihanna, Kid Cudi, Tony Williams, The-Dream, Charlie Wilson, John Legend, Elly Jackson (La Roux), Alicia Keys, Elton John, Fergie, Ryan Leslie, Drake, Alvin Fields, and Ken Lewis

The music video was released today, kinda reminds me of everything Daft Punk and 'Enter the Void'



Gaspar Noe's - Enter the Void  intro. ...What do you think?

I'm upset that this song is a single- which means it'll be overplayed and outdated in about a week. But when I heard it played on the radio I looked at the bright side, which was- anticipate the video.
I'm a tad upset. Don't get me wrong, I'm overall satisfied with the video even though you may get an epileptic seizure if you watch it more than once.

My problems lie in that it has too much 'HYPE' (that's a pun) ... I mean, must we see HIS name in lights as well? I know he's directed countless hot as fuck videos, but dude. It's Kanye and 15 other superstar's shine, not Hype. Let us know once, really fast. We get it.

...also I was looking forward to seeing more than just Cudi. ...I know it's far fetched to expect all those stars, but wouldn't it have been STELLAR?

Just think about how cool it would've been to see Fergie's ass in one of those ridiculous Will.i.am outfits with lasers firing in the background belting about doing "that line"
Elton John in his most colorful outfit and bedazzled shades with Alicia Keys going back and forth on dueling neon trimmed pianos/keyboards...
Wheelchair Jimmy fading in at half opacity to sing/talk "we're going all the way this time"
The Dream and Charlie Wilson in front of a Vegas Casino with the mandatory video sluts in slow motion...

Man. Total Awesomeness FAIL.

...you don't think so?

Finally...Rihanna. I can see how most dudes are pleased with the gratuitous eye candy, but I wasn't. Go far, far away woman. I'm just really tired of her. I thought it was just her voice that's monotone, but apparently her face is as well.

Yeah, I said it. I ain't afraid of you motherfuckers. Hate my opinion.

The Naked Man... #fail

Ok. So I've explained to you what 'The Naked Man' is, right? Well, it's when you take advantage of a distraction in order to shed your clothing and surprise your date with nakedness in the hope of receiving sex by means of humor, pity, stupidity or sheer spontaneity. 


So- last night held a little happy hour meet up function at McFadden's in Foggy Bottom. I invited a couple friends and family members, and amongst the invited was this girl who I was attracted to, but slam dunked me into the friend zone. Which I don't have a problem with, in fact I've been treating her like a bro ever since. So last night, I get ridiculously hammered, and after the happy hour was over, we (her and I) were supposed to me the rest of the guests at The Mighty Pint.


Unfortunately, that didn't work at all. But that didn't stop her and i from drinking...or so I think. The details are fuzzy. Anyway, after a random trip to McDonald's and some other food spot to settle the drunk munchies, we make it back to her car. She suggests that I crash at her place, and I don't know what the fuck I was thinking but I decided half assed that this would be THE perfect opportunity to perform 'The Naked Man' so I immediately strip when she left the room, got into my centerfold pose (the pose in the picture) and then...


...yeah. The downside to the naked man, is that only works 2/3 times. 
I guess last night was the third time. I definitely woke up in the morning still naked, and she was fully clothed... with a belt on. 


I wonder how I'm gonna face her next... LMAO


#FAIL #LULZ #SHAMELESS

Liquid Tescadero... and the Gooey Kablooie

Ladies and Gentlemen, Liquid Tescadero has RETURNED.

Unfamiliar with just who 'Liquid' is? 

Well, let me go back a bit. 'Liquid' is a reference to the video game Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes.  The protagonist of the game, Solid Snake is pulled from retirement and forced back into participation in a top secret military conflict because his old unit has taken a military base hostage. The leader of Solid's old unit and the antagonist, in charge of the entire coup- is a mysterious shadowy figure also going by the code name Solid Snake. When you finally reach the end of the game, it's revealed that the antagonist is none other than the equally skilled, and up to this point unknown to the majority of the world, twin brother of Solid, Liquid Snake. ( Sounds cliche, but actually- it's beyond awesome.)

Anyways, a couple years back I was working at a bar on Capitol Hill where I'd foolishly, with the help of drunken nights, gotten involved in a sexual relationship with 3 different women simultaneously, and become the superstar of the rumor mill. It wasn't long before all three women suspected I was shagging them on a weekly basis. Of course, in the AMs I denied these preposterous accusations of sleeping around and acting a fool in nearby bars. It got so bad, one girl actually asked me- "Honestly, Tony...do you have a brother or something out there?- because people say they saw you, but I know you were home because we were on the phone!"

Exactly. As if mobile phones...aren't mobile. So Liquid Tescadero was born from THAT moment. 

I thought I banished that demon to the nether regions, over the past couple years, but he reared his ugly head the other day by going on a three day bender, and hooking up with a random girl he met at the bar. Only to feed into her advances, go back to her place- and meet her live in boyfriend and his lacrosse buddies... or rather be chased down the road by them.  It WAS not a happy meeting. Time will tell when the bastard will show up again, but I'll let you know definitely.

Now. I'm going to tell you this, and I'll know you read it here- because I WILL NOT repeat this out loud, EVER. Last Wednesday after I left the Moombahton Massive 2 party at U Street Music Hall, I'm walking down Florida Avenue- trying to powerwalk- because I really have to go pee and there's not a decent alley anywhere. Plus I'm totally exhausted, drunk and pumped from a full night of banging beats, slam dancing, and controlling the crowd- when a girl pulls up next to me and offers me a ride home. She mentions that she recognizes me from the Massive and asks me for the CD I was teasing the crowd with. I'm like sure, and we flirt about longer. I feel bad because at this point there was a girl I was trying to date- and I knew I was going to make out with this girl. So I did my customary "drop me off at the corner down the street from my place" (it's a maneuver, not what I said out loud.) ...it only took about thirty seconds before we're making out in her front seats. I'm feeling her up and I'm too busy fondling her nipple ring to stop her from roughly pulling on my dick...

...and me peeing on her.

Liquid: 1
Random black guy running out of screaming girl's car: ZERO.