The Shape of Things to Come [Moment of Vanity]

I was talking to my "girlfriend" the other day when it occurred to me that I'm an unwilling participant in some random (well, to me) eccentricities. One of them is, I lately have been championing women's rights. (Yeah, I know right?) The second is something I thought was just a strange coincidence or just a glitch in the Matrix when I noticed it a while ago, (see: MySpace blog, "The Curse") but as of this morning I have no other choice but to acknowledge it now.
Whenever I get involved with a girl, and it gets semi-serious on my end; when we break up, the NEXT person they get involved with, they will
1) Have a child with him.
2) Marry him.
3) Move in with him.
4) Have the greatest Earth-shattering sex they've ever had. (LOL...That only happened once.)

This is the truth. Seriously.
There was "The Constant" and then there was "Miss America" let's not forget Renee, Kyra, Christine, Michelle and Tori. I guess you can add Sarah and Denisha too. It's almost like there could be no worse than me so you had HAD to make that jump immediately after me. LOL. Now I'm not really complaining, nor am I asking to find the love of my life, despite what you decipher my Facebook status/tweets to be.
Until today.

Let me provide you with backstory.
There was a girl I was friends with, we got close...talked everyday. I fell for her. Told her how I felt on Valentine's Day, and she just said..."oh." then proceeded to fall off. No more calls. I backed off abruptly. 'nuff said.
I have a friend that moved far away from here, coincidentally to the area she lives in. I decided to get them together so he can have friends. He hung out, met her new live-in boyfriend... and then got hit on by that same boyfriend. Hit on... hardcore. felt up even. They then proceeded to go out, only for situations such as her going to grab drinks while he slyly felt up my friend's ass. Scary world but things like that happen. My friend didn't wanna tell the girl. I didn't wanna tell the girl... but now, I wake up to see her tell the world on MySpace...that she's marrying this same guy. THIS guy.

Backstory over.
So I'm stuck between, should I or shouldn't I? I'm stuck in a zone of, am I hater, a hopeless romantic, or a good friend?
And I can't help but notice these women that have left me to go off to greener pastures have slightly jaded (or re-jaded for the faithful) me. Sure I'm a free spirit... I'm the stereotypical male, and anyone will tell you I'm a wee bit past cold hearted, but even concrete bears scars. Scars that instead of crumble the wall, they simply make the walls stronger and impervious to further damage. I'm talkin' battle tested. Simultaneously though, I'm learning and living. I'm learning about what kind of women I've been involved with and what kind of guy I'm turning into....I'm turning back into what I tried so hard to change from. For lack of a better terminology: a drinking, shitting, fucking, shell of a human being. I'm not ashamed to go back to either. Is this the effects of "The Constant" wearing off? Where once I used women, now I'm being used...for whatever they're getting from me.

I keep the "girlfriend" at a distance... it's not her fault, but that's the breaks.

So what should I do? Should I tell her? Chances are I will NOT.
And what is to come? Is history going to repeat itself, and I go back to a life of hedonism? Or will I standby for whatever comes walking past? Who knows... maybe she came, or there she goes.

"Sometimes when you look back on a situation, you realize it wasn't all you thought it was. A beautiful girl walked into your life. You fell in love. ...or did you? Maybe it was only a childish infatuation, or maybe just a brief moment of vanity"
-Henry Bromel 'Northern Exposure' (Season 2: The Big Kiss)

"?"

People really confuse me sometimes. Like really confuse me.

One woman I know... let a man tear her all the way down. He trashed her self-worth, he risked her health, and shat on her goals. And instead of removing the element of destruction from her life she continues to hold onto him because it's what she wants.

Then there's another woman I know, who preaches one thing and lives another when it comes to her dead-end boyfriend. She's just drifting along... as if time was on her side. She has no plans to marry him at all but...

In both those situations I always hear the word 'Love' thrown about... and I'm not sure if they're wrong, or maybe my interpretation of love is jacked. I mean the way I always figured it... if I loved someone else- I'd first have to clearly love myself. And how can I love myself if I let someone else walk all over me or put me down... or waste my time?
When I was involved with 'The Constant', one of the biggest issues was the fact that was wrestling with loving myself. I wanted to love her badly but I wasn't sure what love was, nor was I sure I really enjoyed myself. So I never really wanted to get her too involved, because how could I hand out something I can't even give myself?
Does this make any freaking sense?
Actually, there was another girl I was involved with- who had a lot in common with me, joy of books, free spirit, and an undying sexual appetite. And as she sat in her garage that morning waiting with me for my cab... the inevitable question, "Where is 'this' going?" ...and all I could think was... "Please don't fall for me. Please don't fall for me. I'm going to break your heart. I don't want to but I will. I've played this scenario over, and over again. I don't love myself. I'm not cliche... but it's not you. It's ME. ME. Please don't fall for me." What came out was...

"We're just kicking it"
Of course that was the last time I had sex with her. (In a long time. But that's another story... or one I already told)

Maybe these women fully understand the concept of love perfectly... and it's me that has it all twisted.

There's a guy I know who put his needs on the back burner several times to fulfill his girlfriends wants. When I pointed this out to him, he said because that's what you do when you're in 'Love'.

Sometimes I think people are SO eager to fall in love, that they fall in love with the concept, use all the rules that apply for love in this strange little whatever they've built.

The way I see it, I would like to love myself one day the way I see women 'love' their men. I would like to go into a depression when I tell myself a lie. I'd like to get upset, when I disappoint me. I want to argue with me when I cheat on me with another loser who I jumped on because she stumbled out of the bar with me.

Silly, right?

"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?" -Lily Tomlin

The issue with "Miss America"...