IRIS.

Iris- The Goo Goo Dolls

Usually this type of post would be under the 'Revolutions Per Minute' tab... Ya know, it’s funny.
Sometimes you can be staring off into space, and that random shuffle on your iTunes will land directly in the middle of the mental quagmire you didn’t realize you were in.

Iris landed next to me 49 minutes ago. 

I saw City of Angels twice. Once when it was originally released, and then another time with a girl. If I never see it again, I’ll be fine. I’ve never been a fan of romance films, because my brain usually rips their silly, predictable, and over-saturation of cheesy situations to shreds. …City of Angels was a little different.

There were several conflicts at play here. 
It was sad. The sacrifice and immediate swift kick in the nuts- was devastating. But the main conflict, was that this theme of love and sacrifice was all too familiar. Allow me to expand...

I used to be …”loose”

My underwear were a burden and they were easily cast off to most women that came along. Long story short, despite the warnings from my body that I needed to quit, put away my phallic toy, and focus on strengthening me-  I actually did not until I met a woman. A special woman. A woman that I fell for, put away my childish toys and games, only for her to suddenly leave and marry someone else. 

Sacrifice. Immediate swift kick in the nuts. #fail.

Now it seems, I spend my time in this weird cycle of sleeping around, courting, or just plain not interested.

And anytime I even consider tearing down my barriers, I think that I’m cut from some strange hybrid theory of academia, conservative thinking, free spirited, non-conforming, pish-posh. Oh, wait-That doesn’t make sense? Welcome to the mire.

I don’t think most will understand, and even if they could, do I want them to?

Sometimes, you go through life- and it all feels like a big game of Hide & Seek, except... there's a big part of you that desperately wants to be found by that someone. You want to be found but you refuse to compromise your morals, your standards. You refuse to be involved in anything not authentic and scripted... and more importantly,
you really don't want to be played, or worse, hurt. 

I've been MVP of that position. It got me nowhere. I wanted- demanded the girl to figure me out with minimal help from me. Certain girls would attempt the ascend up the mountain, and realize it was futile and scale back down. 

And there in lies the rub my friend. 
You don't know what is coming around that corner. Love and life is a gamble. And if you're not out there jumping with blindfolds then you aren't really living. You can't guarantee anything in this life except death, so reveal your hand every now and then, right?

Failure is the end. It's just... I don't know ...learning that this particular way doesn't work.

Uncertainty. That’s really the core of it all, isn’t it? Faith.

Fade to black.

(If you're wondering what this song has to do with the movie, it was written specifically for the film- and pretty much captures the point of the protagonist's conflict.)

 “Iris” performed by The Goo Goo Dolls
City of Angels Soundtrack/ Dizzy Up The Girl