"?"

People really confuse me sometimes. Like really confuse me.

One woman I know... let a man tear her all the way down. He trashed her self-worth, he risked her health, and shat on her goals. And instead of removing the element of destruction from her life she continues to hold onto him because it's what she wants.

Then there's another woman I know, who preaches one thing and lives another when it comes to her dead-end boyfriend. She's just drifting along... as if time was on her side. She has no plans to marry him at all but...

In both those situations I always hear the word 'Love' thrown about... and I'm not sure if they're wrong, or maybe my interpretation of love is jacked. I mean the way I always figured it... if I loved someone else- I'd first have to clearly love myself. And how can I love myself if I let someone else walk all over me or put me down... or waste my time?
When I was involved with 'The Constant', one of the biggest issues was the fact that was wrestling with loving myself. I wanted to love her badly but I wasn't sure what love was, nor was I sure I really enjoyed myself. So I never really wanted to get her too involved, because how could I hand out something I can't even give myself?
Does this make any freaking sense?
Actually, there was another girl I was involved with- who had a lot in common with me, joy of books, free spirit, and an undying sexual appetite. And as she sat in her garage that morning waiting with me for my cab... the inevitable question, "Where is 'this' going?" ...and all I could think was... "Please don't fall for me. Please don't fall for me. I'm going to break your heart. I don't want to but I will. I've played this scenario over, and over again. I don't love myself. I'm not cliche... but it's not you. It's ME. ME. Please don't fall for me." What came out was...

"We're just kicking it"
Of course that was the last time I had sex with her. (In a long time. But that's another story... or one I already told)

Maybe these women fully understand the concept of love perfectly... and it's me that has it all twisted.

There's a guy I know who put his needs on the back burner several times to fulfill his girlfriends wants. When I pointed this out to him, he said because that's what you do when you're in 'Love'.

Sometimes I think people are SO eager to fall in love, that they fall in love with the concept, use all the rules that apply for love in this strange little whatever they've built.

The way I see it, I would like to love myself one day the way I see women 'love' their men. I would like to go into a depression when I tell myself a lie. I'd like to get upset, when I disappoint me. I want to argue with me when I cheat on me with another loser who I jumped on because she stumbled out of the bar with me.

Silly, right?

"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?" -Lily Tomlin