John Doe is Dead [Real Manly]

This world is full of opportunity and choice and all sorts of goodies. As Brad Pitt said in 'Troy,' "Do you know what's there, waiting beyond that beach? Immortality! Take it! It's yours!" If he said that in today's settings he probably would've added, "...if you're willing to grow a pair and seize it!"

Let me backtrack.

Earlier this year, we were drowned into the Conan O'Brien situation, where NBC pretty much tried to slip a dick in his ass for another guy- and he very casually, blatantly and with much respect replied, "Fuck You." Alright, he didn't say that. Nevertheless, he knew after that shadiness, saying fuck it and parting ways was the best way to go.

I was more than impressed. Half of me expected him to put his tail between his legs and fade to black, subliminally talking shit, whining and poking his lip out. Not the case at all. He approached the situation like a man. In those last episodes, Conan went from 'the Goof' to 'the Barbarian'

In a fine example of professional kung-fu, he channeled the chi of every screwed over, unappreciated, run through the mud, man in America. He shat on NBC and their financial woes without resorting to petty name-calling and cynicism.

I started to wonder why I was surprised at his candor. I am a man's man. Not a fat ass with a six pack and gravy stains on my wife beater as I watch the game. Not a juice head that's always in the gym oiling myself down and spotting other guys in more than one definition. Not the kind that gets a chubby when I smell fresh lumber and touch a new power drill. (Okay, maybe that last one was a lie)

I like scotch old enough to order scotch, American beer and I occasionally enjoy a decent cigar. I love my country. I served my country. I love my God. I like suiting up, and I like scantily clad women, in the proper settings. Not loose bitches, not strippers... classy dames.

I like lounges and a bloody steak, I like a fine tailored suit. I like reading about the Yankee's new prospects over breakfast. I own a tuxedo, and a grilling apron with an ridiculous saying on the front. I know how to change my car's tires, change the oil, and rotate the tires. I can install the battery and know how to read and replace fluids. I know how to chop firewood for my apartment's fireplace. I like spending time with my kids, (if I had any) boxing and playing ball with my son, reminding my daughter that she's my princess. I like to pinch my lady's ass when she walks past.

So why was I surprised? My actions would've been the same as Conan's. Then it came to me like an epiphany. I was surprised because 'man' has become SOFT.

I went through my friend's list on Facebook. Nothing but guys whining about their girlfriends, or how work is SO hard, and bragging about fashion. *sigh* FASHION. Sunday I spent an hour in the mall, eating a Cinnabon, taking notes and observing. I saw more men trying on clothes and window shopping than I did women. 103 men and 78 women to be exact.

Don't catch offense, don't get your panties in a bunch, Nancy. I'm not saying men shouldn't shop, nor am I saying a man shouldn't cook or clean. I'm not ignorant. What I am saying however, is that man should be a steam engine of backbone, masculinity, distinction, education, and honor. Standing on the block, smacking some chick up doesn't make you a man. Thug/Goon =/= MAN. It's like Andre said, "I'm a G- entleman" and furthermore being gay doesn't excuse you from being a fucking man.

Can't picture it? too many of you are more "queer eye" when you should be more like Robert Downey Jr. in Iron Man or Sherlock Holmes. Pillars of confidence, genius in your field of practice, capable of holding down your own. Easily set apart in your demeanor from a woman, or better yet, a little boy.

Is it too much too ask? Are you thinking to yourself right now how I'm just filling in stereotypes? Then maybe YOU need to man up. That's how I feel. If you don't like it, then pay me no damn attention. However, I strongly feel that the decline of man from the title of MAN, is the reason for so much social dysfunction. Too many males, not enough men. Hell, I know some lesbians that assume the mantle of MAN better than some males. Shame on you males.

C'mon guys... we were hunters once! Now we get mad if the foam isn't proper on our Vente coffees or whatever pussy drinks ya'll are getting from Starbuck's. Yes, YOU.

Real men wouldn't have numerous kids from numerous women, because a real man is responsible enough to protect himself and his legacy. A real man wouldn't hit a woman because he already knows he's going to molly whop her and he's no bully. A real man wouldn't be content with his woman being the head of the household. (Note: I'm not talking about whether she makes more than you or not, because sometimes that can't be avoided.) A real man always keeps his composure in tragedy when he's depended on and finally, a real man doesn't whine like a little bitch when things don't go his way. He sucks it up and drives on.

Can we get back there? Can we remasculate ourselves?

...probably not.

"I was feeling real good and real manly. Until a real cowboy walked by and told me I had my hat on backwards. So much for my life as a cowboy." -Michael Biehn