This past weekend was the anniversary of my friend, Harsh Kumar's death. In remembrance, I'd like to repost one of the last entries he wrote in his online journal.
Do
drugs, think critically, question everything, experiment, enjoy
sex, drive too fast, try new things, do whatever puts a smile on
your face, let passion make decisions for you, respect and
understand your parents, feel confident but not superior, know that money is
not an end - but a means… spend it, love whoever whenever whatever without
reservation, let feelings and emotions totally wash over you, hate with every
fibre of your body - don’t ever fucking justify your anger, break things, tell
people how you feel about them, understand your fears and overcome them - own
them, jump off things without knowing where when how you’ll land, feel beauty
and music, never fucking lie to yourself, lose control.
live
your fucking life.
the
rationale for the above is here:
parenthetical
warning: my ability to write (not well, by any means) is augmented by post-4am
insomnia, substance, music, getting terrible head (grr).
so,
if you can, swallow this: my manifesto. my treatise. my confession. if i
were you, though, i’d stop reading now.
What
if this is all we have? reincarnation, heaven, hell, nirvana, oneness,
whatever. what if it’s all an idiotic social construct — primitives
explained lightning and earthquakes and floods as the gods being angry.
what if this is all we have? your behaviour today, tomorrow, now,
has no bearing whatsoever on what happens in any greater sense. the
question? THE question: you know, what the meaning of life is, or
why we’re here is answered thusly: personal goddam happiness
I’m
probably wrong, but what’s my baseline? how do i measure my delta?
the word of sages, priests, sadhus, kings, scholars should guide me?
yeah, what’s their fucking source? historically, they’ve always and
unfuckingbelievably been wrong (men of faith who proclaim anything as fact -
you know this.. faith != truth). and this, boys and girls, is
a matter of faith. think about the word faith, by the way… take a trip to
dictionary.com - faith is a (uniquely human) departure from reality and
rationality.
and
we, as humans, are becoming more rational [logical, analytical, calculating]
every successive generation. Aww girl.
Anyway,
i’m leaving the pack. if you’ve gotten this far, i’m impressed.
Here
it is, here’s the thing. I, like most people (depending on how arrogant
i’m feeling, i could say “like ALL people”), need three things: a sense
of belonging, a sense of purpose, and happiness. why can’t i live to
satisfy these three basic needs (maslow!) even if it diminishes my chances of
happiness in my next life (or whatever). all i know is this: i’m here
today - i could fucking die tomorrow and that’s the end. this is all i
have - why the fuck should i take the word of anyone else when my senses, my
intuition, my instincts tell me that this is the end. there’s nothing more.
the
curtain comes down when my heart stops beating.
If
you’ve gotten this far, i’m less impressed and more surprised. anyway,
the point of the story is this: pleasure, happiness, contentedness… these
are the things we should strive for. my body and mind are a culmination
of a zillion years of evolution, and when they tell me things, i listen.
i’m not advocating deviancy or evil - if you have a brain, you understand
— if you don’t understand, well, i have the patience of a ADD addled 8 year old
for ya. go back, stop listen think.
so
rather than listening to people about how i should live my life, why can’t i
get by on my feelings. why should i let fucking two thousand year old (or
more) books, written by fucktards like us, guide me? nonsense… let love, hate,
feeling be your sole compass (aww, you like the play on words there?). do
what makes you happy while it doesn’t hurt other people. harbour
ceaseless faith in things like the capacity and love of your friends and family.
harbour ceaseless enmity towards blind faith, scripture, dogma.
never come back down.
you
and me. we’re the same, by the way. we’re better than we’ll ever
really know.
but,
really, what do i know. :)
Also,
shallowness: i met a girl tonight. (unrelated to the aforementioned
terrible head). turns out she’s had a crush on me since freshman year.
wtf? girls, if you like a guy, say something while you’re feeling
it. she still likes me, and i like her back, though, so s’all good.
also,
idiocy: i have no idea how to add people whose name/email i don’t know on
friendster (explains my 16 friend count), so if you want to be added (yay!),
i’m going to need explicit instructions. dude, i’m a friendster n00b.
and a giant fucking dork :)
and
finally, misbehaviour: if you’re so inclined, i suggest you plug some
comfortable headphones into you ipod (or whatever), do a big fat line, and
listen to music with real feeling - depending on you mood, best music for said
substance: (break.smash.destroy) american head charge - loyalty, (lovely
something) ani - superhero, (DANCE) AK1200 - drowning, (melancholy) mirah
- don’t die in me, (super sexy swingin’) marilyn manson - doll-dagga-buzz-buzz.
i’ve never done it, but tony the tiger tells me it’s gRReat :D
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