This, That... and the Other. Who doesn't Want It?

I'm a pretty level dude. I think. I was speaking to my friend the other day about my relationship with my ex. I'm still pretty proud of myself for having few ex-girlfriends in relation to my high number of bed notches. See, I never wanted to be one these guys with a bunch of ridiculous baggage, all these exes, that know my business and what not.
Some people see a guy with a bunch of girlfriends as a womanizer... I see a foolish fast talking failure. My boy is the same age as I am, and he's had 11 exes. eleven. None of them talk to him anymore. All of them have met his parents, grandparents, all of them he's 'loved' and had pregnancy scares, and this, that, and etc.
I've had 5.
Two of them know the names of my parents. I'm still on good terms with four of them. I've only loved (romantically) two women. One is an ex, and she's dead. One is The Constant. You frequent readers know what that's about by now.
So I guess what I'm saying is, some guys like to step up to the plate and attempt homers at every pitch. I attempt to get on base. If I hit a homer, that's awesome.

So my friend asked me why I still talked to my exes. I had to explain to him that unlike him, all of my exes actually meant something to me. All of my exes could've potentially been my wife had we continued on the path we were going. More importantly, ALL of my exes were first my friends. That's why I'm so adamant to separate girlfriends from bed notches. I actually enjoy the company of my exes. We have inside jokes. We truly are friends. He asked me how it was possible to maintain a friendship with an ex-girlfriend, and I told him that I treat the relationship like we're 'Jerry and Elaine.' See, a long time ago, I realized that the 'Jerry and Elaine' machine is one of the most solid relationships ever recorded on television. I can't think of a better couple-well, maybe Paul and Jamie, (Mad About You) or Frank and Claire (House of Cards) depending on what your tastes are.



There's so much to learn from them, even if you're weren't in a legit relationship, they aren't your ex or, in some cases if you've been friend zoned. Yeah, I get it- Jerry and Elaine technically aren't in a 'friend zone' situation. They're ex lovers, which makes them non-applicable to some. However it's just that- they they broke up, and actually improved their relationship. So to me, they friend zoned each other. 'Post-Breakup' couples are in very similar playing field with 'Friend Zoners' if both parties respect certain rules. Both relationships-the 'Friend Zone' and the 'Post-Breakup' have the general expectancy of zero sex as its core. Jerry and Elaine had sex twice during the show's nine season run, but they realized that they couldn't be friends and be lovers simultaneously, because the sex was killing the friendship they valued more. So they managed to remain friends, and generally care for, support, communicate, and hang with each other in a platonic relationship. This is how.

1. They Openly Discuss Other Relationships/Found another Person to Sleep With

Most post break-up friendships fail because because one, or both of you doesn't actually want to be friends. You're probably just hanging around to see if you're ever going to hook up, or get back together. These kind of situations prevent you from moving on, and finding someone that actually wants to be with you. Somewhere along the history of humans on this planet we got it worked into the system that pining after someone that isn't remotely interested in you is romantic, and respectable behavior. For a very small some, that may be the case. For the majority of you however, you need to move the hell on. A person that doesn't want to engage you sexually, will never engage you sexually. Don't put yourself through the punishment, and eventual embarrassment of waiting around for someone that doesn't want you the same way you want them. Not only have Jerry and Elaine moved on, but they openly and calmly discuss their new romantic interests. In reality, not many post breakup friendships can survive with the lurking jealousy of a new interest, if one of the members isn't being honest and...

2. Honesty is Significant

The entirety of their relationship hinges on the fact that they are honest with one another- even more honest with each other than the people they date.

There's no romantic flattery here, no cuddled half-truths. Everything is laid out in the open. They let the other see the real them. Jerry and Elaine allow each other to know exactly what the other is thinking, no matter how heinous, or embarrassing the thought is. All the facades and charades you held in your previous relationship, or in your attempt to start one, to appear even slightly desirable should go the way of the dinosaur. It's the best way to start an actual, authentic friendship. So scrap all those omissions of truths, and white lies. There are no compromises because you're not with them. You can actually say what you want, and can ask for what you want without worry because you really have nothing to lose, so make those feelings known! Also, Jerry and Elaine they take into account that since they had feelings for each other at some point, they recognize each others faults more accurately than their other friends. So they tactfully know when to be soft with their shortcomings, and when to take the gloves off. If you can manage being honest with one another, then you can handle the elephant in the room, that is...

3. Realize You're Not Having Sex. (even if you eventually have sex.*)
*= and communicate how you're going to survive afterwards

You're not doing it anymore. Get over it. It's not happening. Don't plan for it. Don't "happen to have a condom" if you're hanging out. Sex is out of the window.  Establish solid boundaries with yourself, and with your friend. You guys are friends and that ship has sailed. ...however.

We're all adults, and we drink, we get bored, we take risks, and we want to have our nether regions played with by someone else. A lot of time, it's just way too frustrating to go to an outside source. So you may end up jumping in the sack with your ex, who's now your friend because you've already got this honest, open relationship with them. If you do end up in the sack again, then discuss it before and after, talk about what was new in the bedroom, just avoid trying to reignite the romance. Open communication is the key because if it's done right, you may be able to have this, and that too. (although, it won't last long. It's not possible.)
Hell, breaking those boundaries in some cases may save the friendship. Before you end up in between the sheets though,

4. Be OK with Never Truly Understanding Why Your Relationship Failed

In one episode, Jerry told his parents that he and Elaine tried all kinds of arrangements, but they just couldn't remain friends when they slept together. That is key because he knew that being friends with Elaine was more important than
sticking his dick in her. Some folk get lonely and begin to dwell on relationships that failed, and get lovesick and start to glamorize a terrible relationship that's long gone. Next thing you know they're back with their ex, reliving the exact same terrible behaviors that broke you up in the first place. I'm not saying forget the past, but maybe have a sense of humor about it, and definitely ignore your friends that think your friendship is just some intricate secret foreplay. Don't let them pressure you into jumping back into that dead relationship. Don't worry about why the relationship failed. If you truly value the friendship, just knowing that the friendship remained intact, and will continue to grow, should be a sufficient enough answer.

Finally,

5. Don't forget to Actually Be Friends

Have fun. Talk on the phone. Tell dirty jokes. Be disgusting. See that movie that everyone likes, but you know you'll despise. Hang out, share a secret. Eat each others' food. Annoy the hell out of one another. Talk trash. Talk about your mutual friends and how they're screwing up whatever it is they're doing. Water the friendship, and watch it grow!