I've only actually been IN love twice.
Once, with a girl that died when we were teenagers. The other I met by chance in Virginia, during my active duty days. One of the few good memories from that place. It was supposed to be a setup for NSA purposes. See, us military guys usually have these things on the brain. (Not necessarily in this order)
1. The 1st and 15th. (payday)
2. America.
3. Killing enemies for America.
4. Deployment
5. Sex in random/foreign places
6. Blowing things up.
7. Physical Training
8. Blowing things up in practice to actually blow things up that belong to folk against America
9. Inspections
10. Having something nice to come home to.
Well, I was in the search of a number 10. A shipmate of mine had a girlfriend that went to Hampton University, so myself and two other guys- Lucky and Mook decided we should get some Hampton girls too. It'd be nice to come home to a college girl...even if we honestly didn't give that much about them. Who'da thought I'd end up... giving A LOT about mine?
It was weird. Everything I liked, she liked. Everything she wanted to get involved in, I got involved in, and vice versa... I mean don't get me wrong... we didn't do EVERYTHING together- but we sure fooled others. I remember I used to drive from Newport News, Va to Pittsburgh, PA to see her when she was bored. (She graduated from Hampton, and moved to PA for grad school) We watched TV shows on the phone together. We cracked corny jokes, communicated through code words, pseudo telepathy, catchphrases and eye contact. I tried to teach her baseball, she tried to get me to like the Redskins. Didn't happen for either. She came looking for me when I went off into those dark periods. I'd give up on life, and just run away. Pack a bag, drive off into the night, live for a week, or a month in another place... and back then, there was a couple of those.
Somewhere in there was an uncontrolled theory that I should be in a relationship with her. Yet, instead of riding off into that proverbial beautiful sunset... we had minor success of being soul mates overshadowed by epic fails. She warned me, she didn't want to trade our friendship for a relationship. She just didn't want to, and I pushed it. And...it just didn't work. When it failed, it ended with me nearly going off my damn rocker traveling through a tunnel of self-loathing, depression, alcoholism, nymphomania, violence and self-destruction.
We used to talk everyday. As anti as I am about screwing over friends for people that you're interested in a non-platonic way, I did it first with her. I even put older friends on the back burner if she wanted to hang out... and I learned she did the same eventually. Amidst all this 'perfect' however, I decided to leave... I went away... part of me wanted to stay with her, while the other part recognized she found some other guy, and confusion, and I figured I'd go, and either come back fixed- or she'd hear about me dead. Either way, (as twisted as it sounds) I'd come back.
Then she got married. And I went ape shit.
Flash-forward some time and a kid later, and a definite change in mind status... we are separate and things are like so distant. Or so it seems. Lately, we've made random small talk slowly catching up- which has been subtly awkward. And then suddenly an episode of Clerks: The Animated Series comes on which features a running joke we used to find hilarious. Caitlin Bree.
HILARIOUS.
...and apparently that has stood the test of time. I immediately called her up, and informed her the episode was on and in that brief couple of seconds, it felt like those old days. It's funny because just two or three days prior, she mentioned how bitter she was at me for letting the friendship tank like this. How she warned me that taking the friendship beyond just that would destroy things...and how I didn't listen. But. That was then... and this is now.
Then I remember she got married to a guy I couldn't stand in high school. Of all the guys walking the Earth, she somehow stumbled into the lap of this guy.
And now, I wonder if the friendship can ever be repaired. I wonder if I ever want to. I mean, I miss her and everything- but what I had in her, I've repaired the damage in the levee by bringing in nine, yeah 9, other girls to replace her. So nowadays there's another girl that I call everyday, there's another one that I talk baseball with, there's another one I flirt with nonstop, and another one that knows all my dirt... and so forth.
Our friendship was definitely worth trying to save then, but she's married- and it goes against my own set of codes to try to befriend her now.
However.
There was only one her.
"Banky Edwards: What is it about this girl man? You know you have no shot at getting her into bed. Why do you bother wasting time with her? Because you're Holden fucking McNeil, the most persistent traveler on the road that's NOT the path of least resistance. Everything has gotta be a fucking challenge for you and this little relationship with that BITCH is a prime example of your fucking condition. Well, I don't need a magic 8-ball to look into your future. You want a forecast? (Picks up Magic 8-Ball toy and shakes it.) Here, will Holden ever fuck Alyssa? Oh, what a shock, "Not fucking Likely." This relationship is affecting you, our work and our friendship and the time's gonna come when I throw down the gauntlet and say it's me or her. Then what are you gonna say?
Holden: I think you should let this one go.
Banky Edwards: No, what would you say? Would you trash twenty years of fucking friendship because you got some idiotic notion that this chick would even let you sniff her panties, let alone fuck her?
Holden: Look fucking asshole, I'm telling you, okay, let it go!
Banky Edwards: What the fuck, man! What the fuck makes this bitch all that important?
Holden: 'Cause I'm fucking in love with her, man, okay? "
-excerpt from 'Chasing Amy' by Kevin Smith
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