So lately I've been feeling ...what's the word? Meshy. I've been placed in situations where I have to act responsible to make critical decisions for children under my watch. In my care...under my influence.
Is this God once again, trying to teach me something? He put The Constant in my life to teach me compassion... he made me care for my grandmother and become a "Big Brother" to learn patience. What if he wants me to become a father?
Is that possible? I mean I've always been anti-children...but not in these recent years. I've always secretly feared being a father. I've been known to joke that I would backflip out of vagina before I came in it. ...as a reply to guys who have kids and say, "It was TOO good to pull out." Yeah, right. See...My dad sucks. Not saying he's a bad guy, I barely know him... he just sucks as a father. Anyway, I can't help but recall something that happened not too long ago every time I'm placed in the Daddy position.
[BTW...this is an excerpt from my old blog on MySpace, called "The One with My Daddy Issues]
"I'm so ugly, my father carries a picture of the kid that came with his wallet."
-Rodney Dangerfield
So... I'm not a complete asshole.
In my attempt to sell myself as a better candidate for the female audience, I occasionally swallow my fear of children and put on my role model mask. Now, believe it or not- I am quite the role model, and I give out GREAT life advice despite my own terrible behaviors. However life has a funny way of keeping things in check that you wouldn't believe...
So- I'm hanging out with this girl- for shits and giggles we'll use the name Nora- and Nora has a little boy of about 2. So, I kinda don't mind little boys at around this age because they're becoming curious and the destructive edge is coming out of them... yeah, no more baby blue and cute booties. We got a man-child on our hands. Give him the touch. Give him the power. Nora is beginning to attempt to potty train him, and I don't know how it happened, but it suddenly became a great idea for me to teach him how to go peepee in the potty. Now usually a request like this is beyond my capabilities of acting, regardless of how bad I wanna girlfriend. I am at level 5 fear now, and my brain is screaming "Abort! ABORT!" However, I do not.
I scoop little Aaron up and whisk away to the potty. The magical realm of number 1's and 2's. I stand there speaking in that ridiculous baby talk of broken english nonsense- "Peepee goes potty" with a majestic fatherly vibe. This is it! I'm tappping into my inevitable daddy vibe. I'm so proud! I immediately stand up to demonstrate how the regal number one is performed, and whip out my dick. Now, it is here where maybe I forgot I was teaching a kid how to pee. Maybe in the back of my mind I really had to go, or maybe it was sheer force of habit. Regardless, I tilted my head back and released magical beer/liquor/soda contaminated urine into the toilet as I'VE DONE A MILLION FUCKING TIMES.
Only this time, there wasn't that orchastral sound of peepee splashing against blue toilet water. No just the sound of peepee on skull, because Aaron sure was bent over, head half into toilet looking into it.
I look down in confusion at the absense of sound first, then to my horror I'm peeing on this kid's head. I painfully stop peeing, but it's kinda too late. I've peed all over this kid. So I immediately toss him into the shower and run water on him. Nora is asking what's going on- and I tell her he put his head in the toilet. She screams.
Same difference right?
"And he that strives to touch the stars, oft stumbles at a straw." -Edmund Spenser
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