The Hunting Party

Tonight I was out with a friend, and on my way back in to the house a squirrel jumped from the hedges in my front and latched onto my leg, ran down and took off into the next yard. This not only startled me a bit, but it reminded me of this little incident, which is a Vid favorite...


Episode 6: The One Where I Almost Lost My Dick (August 09, 2005)

"Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy... but it's very funny- Did you ever try to buy anything without money?" -Ogden Nash

Big fat shout out to the coolest bartender at Dave and Buster's in Rockville, MD!! Her name is Jadah and she hooks a brotha up. Next time you're there give her a holla and tip well!

My boy Brandon (B-Dubs!!) calls me up Sunday and he's like he wants to go grab a bite and chill. So I say, "Aight, Let's go the Buster's." Because anyone that knows me well, knows that I'm saving my points to win a flat screen TV from there. So we go grab our other partner, Kevin (Kem [pronounced KAY-UMM for all you non-ebonic readers]) So we get there, and on the way, B brings up this ex of mine that he really admired and I told him about how I heard she moved to GA, and was engaged and had a kid. I immediately felt blah and I decided not to play games, but rather hit the bar. Where Jadah kept the screwdrivers coming while I watched SportsCenter. So, I was little tipsy when B-dubs and Kem came from the game room and after laughing over the fact that Kem almost got pressed by this gorilla looking security guy we left the bar area. B and I were still laughin at the fact that the security guy was so huge that when he came to the bar, his knuckles rested on the bar and he just mean mugged Kem. Leaving the bar area, I didn't notice Kem had stopped to tie his shoe and coincidentally there was a older larger white woman walking where Kem should've been. So my slightly drunk ass, turns and in horror says, "Kem? Oh my GOD! Kem!" B catches the entire thing and laughter ensues. I'm sittin on the curb in tears at my stupidity. We're laughing so hard.
We're driving down the street and this car full of girls pulls up and looks at us. It seemed as though they were talking about us in their car, so Kem and I rolled down the windows to try to talk to them. Before I can say any FUCKING thing, Kem hollers out, "Hey girl, can you sit on my face?" and slumps his body in the backseat. So now I'm sitting there and it appears like I said that dumb shit and B is tryin his best to pretend he's on the phone and not apart of the whole scenario. That girl was so disgusted and all I could do was laugh, solidifying the assumption if I said that or not.
We get to Kem's house and we're headed to his room to watch some TV, so I need to pee, because of all the alcohol I just drank and what not. I go into Kem's bathroom and the lid is already lifted. I pull my meat out, and I notice a tube or something hanging out from behind the lid, and I stared at it for like a minute before realizing that Kem's toilet was broken and maybe that was the flushing mechanism hanging down. (When you drink... your common sense, judgement, and reaction are effected before ANYTHING else.) So, like 30 seconds later, I realize that
1) The flushing mechanism wouldn't be hanging out from the toilet and definitely not behind the lid.
2) The "tube" or whatever it was, was moving.
So, I (still peeing mind you) decide to look on the other side of the tube, behind the lid and see what it was.

IT WAS A FUCKING POSSUM.

That sonbitch jumped out from behind the lifted lid onto me, and I'm scared shitless, pissin all over the place he rolls off of me down my chest on my dick (Lord, have mercy... my genitals) and hits the floor. I'm still in shock that damn wildlfe is in this kid's bathroom. I run Mach 5 speed out that damn bathroom out the house into the street... dick still swingin. B and Kem are lookin at each other vowing to never let me and alcohol get together again. I tell them the story they don't believe me. All of a sudden we hear the squeals from the bathroom. So after arguing like three girls we decide to go investigate. Yep. Big ass possum behind the toilet. Kem left his damn bathroom window open all day. We all took turns deciding what to do. I offered to burn the house down, I mean, I figure those things carry deadly germs like rabies! But eventually the liquor and shock wore off, and I ended up going in, B behind me with a mallot. It took us 20 minutes to inch our cowardly ass into the five foot long bathroom and we finally mustered the courage to approach the animal. I used three pairs of Kem's socks as gloves and we rushed in grabbed the possum and tossed him back out the window.

From now on, I investigate all areas before pulling my dick out.