"...No. No. I'm a catch. And I am not going to be the one who got away..." -Michael Scott, The Office (Chair Model)
First and foremost, it's been a long time. I shouldn't have left you... but there's been a lot on my plate. However, I'm back and I wanted to speak to you about something so let's just get right to it.
Here goes. Ready?
Outside of sex, NEVER go back to an ex. EVER.
It seems like every other week I hear of somebody going back to an ex, just as somebody else is complaining and breaking up with the ex they got back with the other week. I've never gone back to an ex. It's completely pointless. I will explain why in a minute.
And when I say that, I also include that asinine term- 'The one that got away' (which is the EXACT person we shall discuss)
See, the reason exes fascinate you so much is because your ego blows the old romance you once shared with that person out of proportion, and ALL YOU SEE IS THE GOOD. An ex comes back in your life talking about how things will be different this time around and how they've changed and oh, they're paying SO MUCH attention to you. Your ego is so smitten that they came crawling back that you unwittingly ignore the bad; or maybe you're not ignoring it completely- but you definitely trivialize it. You don't think about the stuff that sank the relationship in the first place.
In fact, you're more likely to idealize the whole experience- remembering something greater than it actually was.
Because no matter what he/she say says this time around, there is one inalienable truth: If he/she was that great, they would've never left/'broke up for good' in the first place.
I say this all the time, but one of the problems facing romance in this age is people frequently confuse 'in love' with 'fleeting' (In my opinion it's the number one reason why guys call girls 'Wifey' which leads to early marriages/shacking up and inevitable divorce.)
And get this, most people don't consider the absolute need for some things to be neutral when they're blinded by 'fleeting'. But we're talking about 'the one that got away' which implies the love of your life. Your highest human interest. They didn't have that neutral stake with you. You weren't the love of their life. They broke up with you. So when they come back to you and tells you that you were always the one-
-you go and believe them?
Grief of a failed relationship can become obsessive- I don't know why- may be it's a way of hanging onto something or someone long gone. Problem is, when you hang on to things that are long gone, the effort that it costs you will keep you from living any other happier life.
The ex is always sooo giving, and flexible and so great when they want to come back, but they're not right in the head because if they were, they wouldn't have rebounded from wherever they just came from so easily. Chances are they're confused and just want someone, anyone, to nurture them.
(I'd like to add here, that anybody who comes back while dealing with someone else, or with unresolved issues with another person is a potential cheater and is only looking for sex. Period.)
'The One that Got Away' is a cliche that invokes passiveness or self-pity. Think about it. (Also consider, 'the one that got away' kinda implies that they were captured at some point.) If you're living in the past grieving about something long gone, then it's very easy to feel that way. Did they really get away??
-or are you just the one that won't go away?
With all that being said, I will admit... though I've NEVER gone back to an ex, there's only one situation where I'd consider it.
Here goes: The woman and I would have had to been like, BEST friends and we had drunken sex a couple times and I didn't realize when she came clean and admitted she's been in love with me for years and I rejected her, only to later realize that I've been in love with her too. (or vice versa)
or: She writes a record breaking, multi-platinum album about our experience together...and her name is Adele.
Before I leave, I want to leave you with some bullet points. (feel free to print these out and stick 'rm in your wallet)
How to tell if your ex wants to come crawling back to you:
First and foremost, it's been a long time. I shouldn't have left you... but there's been a lot on my plate. However, I'm back and I wanted to speak to you about something so let's just get right to it.
Here goes. Ready?
Outside of sex, NEVER go back to an ex. EVER.
It seems like every other week I hear of somebody going back to an ex, just as somebody else is complaining and breaking up with the ex they got back with the other week. I've never gone back to an ex. It's completely pointless. I will explain why in a minute.
And when I say that, I also include that asinine term- 'The one that got away' (which is the EXACT person we shall discuss)
See, the reason exes fascinate you so much is because your ego blows the old romance you once shared with that person out of proportion, and ALL YOU SEE IS THE GOOD. An ex comes back in your life talking about how things will be different this time around and how they've changed and oh, they're paying SO MUCH attention to you. Your ego is so smitten that they came crawling back that you unwittingly ignore the bad; or maybe you're not ignoring it completely- but you definitely trivialize it. You don't think about the stuff that sank the relationship in the first place.In fact, you're more likely to idealize the whole experience- remembering something greater than it actually was.
Because no matter what he/she say says this time around, there is one inalienable truth: If he/she was that great, they would've never left/'broke up for good' in the first place.
I say this all the time, but one of the problems facing romance in this age is people frequently confuse 'in love' with 'fleeting' (In my opinion it's the number one reason why guys call girls 'Wifey' which leads to early marriages/shacking up and inevitable divorce.)
And get this, most people don't consider the absolute need for some things to be neutral when they're blinded by 'fleeting'. But we're talking about 'the one that got away' which implies the love of your life. Your highest human interest. They didn't have that neutral stake with you. You weren't the love of their life. They broke up with you. So when they come back to you and tells you that you were always the one-
Grief of a failed relationship can become obsessive- I don't know why- may be it's a way of hanging onto something or someone long gone. Problem is, when you hang on to things that are long gone, the effort that it costs you will keep you from living any other happier life.
The ex is always sooo giving, and flexible and so great when they want to come back, but they're not right in the head because if they were, they wouldn't have rebounded from wherever they just came from so easily. Chances are they're confused and just want someone, anyone, to nurture them.
(I'd like to add here, that anybody who comes back while dealing with someone else, or with unresolved issues with another person is a potential cheater and is only looking for sex. Period.)
'The One that Got Away' is a cliche that invokes passiveness or self-pity. Think about it. (Also consider, 'the one that got away' kinda implies that they were captured at some point.) If you're living in the past grieving about something long gone, then it's very easy to feel that way. Did they really get away??
-or are you just the one that won't go away?
With all that being said, I will admit... though I've NEVER gone back to an ex, there's only one situation where I'd consider it.
Here goes: The woman and I would have had to been like, BEST friends and we had drunken sex a couple times and I didn't realize when she came clean and admitted she's been in love with me for years and I rejected her, only to later realize that I've been in love with her too. (or vice versa)
or: She writes a record breaking, multi-platinum album about our experience together...and her name is Adele.
Before I leave, I want to leave you with some bullet points. (feel free to print these out and stick 'rm in your wallet)
How to tell if your ex wants to come crawling back to you:
- They take initiative to reach out to you. (Especially if it's through friends, family, INTERNET, etc.)
- They stare at you/touch you the same as when they were with you
- They hang around you longer than they have before (whether it's in person, on the phone etc.)
- They make themselves more attractive for you, implementing improvements you once suggested
- They make efforts to make things right with you
- They talk about the relationship/breakup and how things could have been better
- They allude to a future... and you're in it.
Reasons why you should NOT get back with your ex:
- It didn't work out for a reason!
- Living in, and RE-living the past prevents you from MOVING ON!
- Sure, some couples get back together and live happily ever after- but how many examples are there? THAT YOU ACTUALLY KNOW??
- People ...adults, DO NOT change!
- Do NOT settle for anyone who couldn't keep you around in the first place!
Until next time,
Tescadero.
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