(Though it must be said, if I removed her from my life, then she really wouldn't be The Constant, would she?)
Last week I was thinking about how far I've come... romantically. 10 years ago, when I was dealing with The Constant, I couldn't bring myself to tell a girl that I loved her, or even give a decent hug. I was a deviant, the pilot of a reckless life. Now, I'm climbing out of a year long relationship with a woman that I considered giving my last name.
I can't help but think... a lot of that evolution started when I became comfortable with who I am. I am the King of Urban Legend. If any woman is ever going to love me, and be with me she's going to have to deal with everything that I've done in the past, because those experiences led me to who I am today.Which gets me thinking about my favorite movie, because it captured that very life lesson.
In 1997, Chasing Amy hit the world and the brain of young Tescadero, and I instantly fell for it's crude, yet charming way of telling a tale of friendship, society, and the 'expected behaviors' of people dabbling in sex, and romance.
In short, the film is about comic book artists/writers particularly a pair of friends, Holden (Ben Affleck) and Banky. (Jason Lee) It's at a comic convention that Holden meets Alyssa Jones, (Joey Lauren Adams) another comic writer. During a dart game at a nearby bar, Holden and Alyssa discover they are of like minds, and it's obvious Holden has a huge crush on Alyssa, which he feels is mutual, until he learns haphazardly that Alyssa is a lesbian. Holden tries to stow his feelings, but Alyssa caves and reciprocates. This pisses off Banky, and all is well until Holden hears a nasty rumor about Alyssa, that may or may not be true. Emotional anarchy ensues that strengthens, yet at the same time poetically threatens the common ideas of love, friendship, and happiness.Since the first time I saw this film, it spoke to me.
I related to the wild Alyssa Jones. I understood her plight, the desire to be who you are, without judgement from people who think their life plans, or what they feel is 'normal', should be applied to you. I remember a time in my life when I answered every single stress, or bad feeling in pools of whisky and the embraces of random women of all genres. Maybe I knew their names, maybe I didn't. I remember She asked me, how many women I had been with, and because I thought I loved her (maybe I did) I told her, because I wanted her to know me. I remember hearing the disgust in her voice when I couldn't come up with an answer.
And... for the longest time after that moment, I thought I was the freak. The disgrace.
I allowed someone else to make me feel ashamed of myself. I allowed someone else to make me want to 'better' myself.' Because that's what you do when you are emotionally invested in someone else. You tend to put their desires above your own. Even if those desires aim to jeopardize the very actions that make you who YOU are.I was Alyssa Jones.
I'm emotionally handicapped to this day, but now I'm wiser and refuse to allow someone else to dictate my ideas on love, or relationships because they feel that I'm flawed, or not normal.
I changed myself to please somebody who A) didn't appreciate my efforts, and B) isn't interesting to me anymore. I allowed someone else's insecurities to consume me and regret the things I had done to discover myself. Silly me, silly me.
I'm at that age where all my friends are getting married, or having kids... And I'm crushing on people is like to think only as friends and is just a clusterfuck of everything.
But that's the funny thing about love, everybody has their ideas of how it works- and we're all wrong. It's not who you love. There's no good guy, or bad woman. It's how you love. Sadly, some will never understand that. Since giving up on The Constant, I've been involved with The Variable and The Substitute, and many others in pursuit of The Candidate. I've allowed many people to love me, and I've displayed some feelings as well. Each experience has brought something different out of me, and I'm pretty sure I've done the same for them...
but ...well. You know.
Hell, maybe you aren't in my shoes, or Alyssa's maybe you're on the other side of the equation. The point is, STOP letting dumb shit prevent you from being happy. And maybe step out on that limb and tell that friend, or that girl that works at the coffee house that you like her. You never know. I'm just rambling at this point.
Aight, peace
Movie: Chasing Amy (1997)Director: Kevin Smith
Genre: Comedy, Drama, Romance
Starring: Ben Affleck, Joey Lauren Adams, Jason Lee
Netflix Streaming: Yes
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