The Bizarro Bucket List (Things I NEVER want to do before I die)

So everyone is writing bucket lists. I don't remember hearing that term much before that movie came out.

I saw that movie on the flight back home from overseas. I thought it was okay, but I had already been hip to the whole 'bucket list' game. For a couple years prior to that I'd already owned a clever little book called 101 Things to Do Before You Die, which took the whole majesty or ambition out of crafting a bucket list.
Especially for a daredevil like myself.

Coincidentally enough, I was talking to a friend of mine not too long after viewing the movie, about his recent heartbreak, and he mentioned how he never in life wanted to be in my position. (not having anyone to love, a loner, blah blah blah) Believe it or not, for a second, I staggered. It got me to thinking about whether or not I would die alone, and if so- would I be okay with that.

A week later, it was discovered that the girl we were discussing had played him in a multitude of ways, the main one being financial. At that discovery I very maliciously retorted, 'Gee, I never want to be in your position' ...I still chuckle at that. Without further ado, here goes:

1. Break a Bone
A lot of people are surprised this have never happened to me, given the amount of scars I've collected, and the shit I've done. Well, it's true. I've banged up bones before- but never broken one. I'd like to keep it that way. I'm not ready for that cast life.








2. Cheat on my Girlfriend
I'm just not interested in the whole sneaking around thing. Has nothing to do with my morals, or whatever. Simply put, I just do NOT want to add another set of secrets to the long list of ones I already have. I don't have time to be sneaking around just because I can't keep my dick in my pants. I just DO NOT have the patience. Besides, by the time I have a successful relationship that lasts longer than 3 months, catching diseases will probably be easier than picking boogers.



3. Fail at Marriage
Yeah, see I'm a 'one shot, one kill' kinda guy- and I figure if I get over all my own insecurities and what nots to do something as huge as get married, I'm in it for the long haul. I have very little respect for the sanctity of marriage- however I do not appreciate the mockery it is now. There are more divorces nowadays than marriages. (and that doesn't even make since. lol) I don't want to waste all that time and money. So regardless of whatever financial, personal problems my wife and I encounter, we're getting over it.
...Or I'm taking that heifer for everything and keeping all of mine.





4. Be Sentenced to Prison 
Sometimes, I do dirt. Hopefully I never go to PRISON over it. Jail's bad. I've done jail several times. Prison is a whole other ballpark. The food is disgusting, there's absolutely nothing to do ALL day. And...
Let's not even bring up the other thing...





5. Eat Vegan Food
I've never had tofu, soy or any of that 'taste just like' shit. I don't want any imitation animal in my mouth. EVER. This is becoming increasingly difficult with Peta corrupting minds every day, and all these trendy ass veggie spots masquerading as normal food spots.
Animals were put here for me to eat. It's the freakin' circle of life. Mufasa said so.
(This also goes for you Gluten-free bastards)




6. Have Naked Sex on a Beach. (or have naked anything anywhere near SAND)

So. I've had sex on a playground that had sand there before, and I kept my pants on, around my ankles. We weren't even fully in the damn sand now that I think about it. We were on a sliding board. Drunk. Doing it like we didn't have our own respective apartments to retreat to. Just that barbaric carnal urge... for 16 minutes of pleasure... only to suffer for what felt like an eternity of sand particles in my nether regions. Weeks of scratching and washing. The most annoying shit EVER.


7. Blow It All in Vegas
I'm just NOT the gambling type, a lot of my friends are. Don't get me wrong, I'll take the trip to the casino or whatever- but that whole 'keep taking the risk even though the place is designed for you to lose and you are in the hole'? The most I feel comfortable losing is $200 bucks. After that, I hit the slots, and drink $400 in free liquor. That's the way I am, there's no changing my mind on that one.

8. Play Golf
Because I, like Mark Twain, think the game is a good walk ruined. I just do not have the time- EVER- to be walking around swatting at balls while somebody else carries my instruments like a douche is just not my cup o' tea. I'll admit. Hitting things really hard is always fun, but all the other aspects of this 'game' is an exercise in not letting your frustrations with the 'game' make you completely lose your shit. Seriously. Antique Road Show has more action than any golf game I've tried to watch.


9. Befriend someone whose life is inspired a Lifetime movie
Which in my ignorant mode of thinking literally means: I don't want to befriend any rape victims, domestic abuse victims, or moms that had their children taken by someone, and then they became notorious/famous because of it. Sue me.

10. BE ANYWHERE NEAR THIS FUCKING ... THING.

Son. I shouldn't even have to explain. This the type of shit that's only supposed to exist on Fallout 3 or some shit. Just know, if that's ever in my house- it's time to pull the firearm out.


...and that's it.
I have others, you know- the shit that's on everyone's list like 'box a kangaroo', 'buy anything by Justin Beiber', or 'find out I'm allergic to bacon' but I didn't wanna be too long winded. What are some of yours?